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blackdogunknown

What could be possible mental disorder?

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Back In 2002 I was an university going student and 22 years old guy. One day I was ragged/bullied by a group of senior students. After that all of a sudden I started feeling heaviness on my soul and in my bones all my surroundings seemed plain and bland. I started cutting off classes and I was no longer the same guy. I was very angry and full of rage. I started swearing at my dad out of nowhere I wanted to share my problems with him but he was very aloof kind of guy he was never there for me. I was beaten and abused by him when I was a kid. I used to cry for no reason when I was 10 years old even I am now 35 years old I can easily cry for no reason. One day in 2010 my dad told me to make a cup of tea and he was taking a nap on the couch. I heard a whisper in my ears out of nowhere -kill this guy. I shouted so loud that my dad had woken up from his sleep and he was kind of scared and scolded at me for almost killing him. He got shocked. I shouted loudly just to divert the whisper. My dad asked me what happened to me I did not tell him I heard some kind of whisper in my ears and simply left the room.

I no longer hear whisper or anything and I also keep myself busy with reading books and watching movies and all of that. However, these days my mind is bringing back all depressing thoughts again and they are mostly related with my dad like how much emotional pain he caused on my soul while I was growing up.

My exams are 2 weeks away and my mind is drifting away with all of these pain memories. I am having a hard time concentrating on my studies. Because of having these awful memories from past I am  having headaches around my temple area because of this I am having a hard time recalling information from my studies/textbooks.

My brain is also feeling a strong urge listening to sad/sufi music these days and it is increasing these bad memories from my childhood.. I am also feeling like I am communicating with God and he is punishing me for some unforgettable sins. I am kind of God chosen and I am very kind of superior guy because I was chosen by God. And he has special blessings on me. That sort of feeling.

Now tell me what could be the underlying reason for all of this mental suffering? I do not take meds. But my life has been living hell since 2002 and it is like a roller coaster. Some days are really bad and some days are okay and I am stuck with the same routine. Reading books, watching movies on netflix and now these days I am trying to muster up enough energy to sit down and open my textbooks for my Masters in Economics. I am simply unable to focus on my studies and going back to listening sad/soulful/sufi music.

Just share some thoughts or  a word of encouragement.

Thanks

Asad

 

 

 

12 hours ago, blackdogunknown said:

 

 

Edited by blackdogunknown

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2 hours ago, blackdogunknown said:

Back In 2002 I was an university going student and 22 years old guy. One day I was ragged/bullied by a group of senior students. After that all of a sudden I started feeling heaviness on my soul and in my bones all my surroundings seemed plain and bland. I started cutting off classes and I was no longer the same guy. I was very angry and full of rage. I started swearing at my dad out of nowhere I wanted to share my problems with him but he was very aloof kind of guy he was never there for me. I was beaten and abused by him when I was a kid. I used to cry for no reason when I was 10 years old even I am now 35 years old I can easily cry for no reason. One day in 2010 my dad told me to make a cup of tea and he was taking a nap on the couch. I heard a whisper in my ears out of nowhere -kill this guy. I shouted so loud that my dad had woken up from his sleep and he was kind of scared and scolded at me for almost killing him. He got shocked. I shouted loudly just to divert the whisper. My dad asked me what happened to me I did not tell him I heard some kind of whisper in my ears and simply left the room.

I no longer hear whisper or anything and I also keep myself busy with reading books and watching movies and all of that. However, these days my mind is bringing back all depressing thoughts again and they are mostly related with my dad like how much emotional pain he caused on my soul while I was growing up.

My exams are 2 weeks away and my mind is drifting away with all of these pain memories. I am having a hard time concentrating on my studies. Because of having these awful memories from past I am  having headaches around my temple area because of this I am having a hard time recalling information from my studies/textbooks.

My brain is also feeling a strong urge listening to sad/sufi music these days and it is increasing these bad memories from my childhood.. I am also feeling like I am communicating with God and he is punishing me for some unforgettable sins. I am kind of God chosen and I am very kind of superior guy because I was chosen by God. And he has special blessings on me. That sort of feeling.

Now tell me what could be the underlying reason for all of this mental suffering? I do not take meds. But my life has been living hell since 2002 and it is like a roller coaster. Some days are really bad and some days are okay and I am stuck with the same routine. Reading books, watching movies on netflix and now these days I am trying to muster up enough energy to sit down and open my textbooks for my Masters in Economics. I am simply unable to focus on my studies and going back to listening sad/soulful/sufi music.

Just share some thoughts or  a word of encouragement.

Thanks

Asad

 

 

 

 

Hi Asad,

It appears as if the bullying incident caused emotions that you felt during your father's abuse to resurface. The reason you may have been angry at your dad is because the anger of being abused by your father was directed at him, so when they resurfaced, that's why they were directed at him straight away.

The childhood abuse you suffered is something to look into. Every time you were abused as a child, your dopamine may have risen to be alert to assault. As a result, your brain became conditioned to have abnormally high dopamine in order to constantly be alert for any assault, even if there was no threat present. This is a common symptom of the development of schizophrenia.

This would also explain the voices - auditory hallucinations are a symptom of overactive dopamine, since we are constantly expecting a threat that doesn't exist. This would explain why you heard voices.

Also, I'd note the fact that you feel that you are communicating with God as a chosen one. This is known as a delusion of grandeur, since you have an inflated opinion of yourself. The reality is that you are not a chosen one, because God cannot speak, and neither has he chosen you as 'the one'.

TL;DR - You appear to show symptoms of schizophrenia that stem from childhood abuse. I'd recommend seeing a GP, therapist or psychiatrist for further help - do not worry, for all is not lost!

Much love <3

RSxo

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