depressed

[ashlynn]

so... i'm not really sure how to start this and I feel like an idiot who can only let their feelings out on a mental health forum but...

i'm lost. so very lost. its hard to get out of bed in the morning, its hard to go to school, its hard to go home and sleep. everything I do is a vicious cycle that never seems to end. I've considered ending my life but I know I would never be strong enough to go through with it.

my dad was the one who started taking me to counseling, he was very worried about me and my declining self. right away, my counselor told me how hopeless and self-destroying of a person I was. i'm taking an antidepressant (sort of, some days I forget or skip it because I feel like such an idiot taking it), and its been about a few months, but I feel worse than before. when I was a kid I went to counseling for my anxiety, now I'm going for both depression and anxiety. I hate counseling but its the only time I feel real, like i'm not acting like I usually do at school.

I feel like a loser. I mean, I have friends, but at the same time, i'm feel so alone. every time I screw up or say something stupid I burst into fits of laughter because of how terrified or angry I was that I would be so idiotic. I spend so much time watching tv or sleeping so I don't have to focus on how sad and lonely I am. I eat so much, but food tastes bad and their flavors are so bland and mix together. its hard to breathe sometimes. my head always seems to hurt. i'm partially dehydrated all the time.

I don't know what to do. I can't tell my parents or friends, because I know my problems will just be a burden onto them like it is on me.

its like, I don't want to live, but i'm afraid to die. I just want to be happy. or someone else. I don't really know

[RSxo]

5 hours ago, ashlynn said:

so... i'm not really sure how to start this and I feel like an idiot who can only let their feelings out on a mental health forum but...

i'm lost. so very lost. its hard to get out of bed in the morning, its hard to go to school, its hard to go home and sleep. everything I do is a vicious cycle that never seems to end. I've considered ending my life but I know I would never be strong enough to go through with it.

my dad was the one who started taking me to counseling, he was very worried about me and my declining self. right away, my counselor told me how hopeless and self-destroying of a person I was. i'm taking an antidepressant (sort of, some days I forget or skip it because I feel like such an idiot taking it), and its been about a few months, but I feel worse than before. when I was a kid I went to counseling for my anxiety, now I'm going for both depression and anxiety. I hate counseling but its the only time I feel real, like i'm not acting like I usually do at school.

I feel like a loser. I mean, I have friends, but at the same time, i'm feel so alone. every time I screw up or say something stupid I burst into fits of laughter because of how terrified or angry I was that I would be so idiotic. I spend so much time watching tv or sleeping so I don't have to focus on how sad and lonely I am. I eat so much, but food tastes bad and their flavors are so bland and mix together. its hard to breathe sometimes. my head always seems to hurt. i'm partially dehydrated all the time.

I don't know what to do. I can't tell my parents or friends, because I know my problems will just be a burden onto them like it is on me.

its like, I don't want to live, but i'm afraid to die. I just want to be happy. or someone else. I don't really know

Hi Ashlynn!

Expressing yourself on a forum is nothing to be ashamed of! As long as you're expressing your emotions in some format, it will be helpful for you as an outlet

What you appear to be doing is hiding from the problem. By eating your emotions away, and escaping to TV or sleep, you avoid confronting the very emotions that are causing this conundrum.

Suicide is not the answer. Like everything in life, short term fixes do not work, but long-term solutions are always better. Suicide just puts all the pain and sadness onto friends and family, which definitely will put a burden on them.

You need to realise that you are the only one that can change your future. Yes, professional help like counselling will help the process, but if you don't work at it, then it'll get you nowhere. You need to engage with the counselling - try asking your counsellor for help in making a strategy to fight through this? Like everything in life, you need to put in hard work and effort to get what you want, and this is no different. Put all your effort into consciously changing your life so that you can get on the road to recovery.

On the topic of recovery, don't stop your medication at all. This will only make things worse, since you will have an imbalance in brain chemicals, which will make your perception and thinking very erratic. The medication is a long-term solution to chemical imbalances in the brain, so stick to it for long-term benefit!

You've been very brave in sharing your experience here, so well done! Now, take the initiative and change your life for good - the power is in your hands!

Much love <3