Can anyone help?

[crustybob]

I have recently discovered I have BPD, and I'm seeking treatment, primarily because the borderline is screwing up my relation with my ASPD girlfriend (though it also of course screws my life more generally). A very urgent specific problem has arisen in the last three days and, as it stands, unless this immediate problem can be overcome, we don't even have a relationship any more. So, I'm asking this in the hope someone else has similar experience and has some idea of what the hell I can do to break out of the cycle and regain my girlfriend's trust.

So, We've been together for 2½ years, during which time the only relationship problems we've had have sprung from what I now realise is my BPD: hypersensitivity to perceived or suspected slights and/or signs of being judged, rejected, or abandoned leading quite frequently (at first) to outbursts of intense anger. There is also a strong inability to break out of the black/white -euphoria/dysphoria apprehension of events, which of course distorts my understanding.

Over time, I've been able to get a handle on the sudden rages, which were almost invariably generated by the slightest, most improbable triggers. However, the rages were invariably accompanied with/followed by >3-hour discussions with my girlfriend in which the why wherefore and whatever of the trigger to the rage was turned inside out, back to front, looked at through both ends of a telescope and generally analysed to death in more ways than any normal mind could or should conceive of. Well, I say "discussions" - "aggressive, pleading monologues" might be closer to the mark. While my intention is to clear up misunderstanding and show what a super well-meaning chap I am after all, their actual effect on my girlfriend is to exhaust her, wear her down, and (increasingly) infuriate her. The worst thing seems to be that, even knowing that the discussions were wearing her down and infuriating her I was unable to switch off "explanatory mode" and just let things be/let things calm down.

Which brings me to this hyper urgent hyper dangerous present situation. The long and the short of it: the outbursts of rage following perceived triggers have calmed down almost to the point of disappearance (yippee) but of course trigger situations remain and now the >3-hour discussions in which the trigger is analysed and so forth have started now to inflate to >30-hour discussions and growing. One such discussion started Sunday morning (it's now Tuesday) and through the simple fact of wearing her down and the constant borderline flickering on my part (from self-abasement to resentment to anger to saying mean things to going back to self-abasement) I fear I've pushed her to the point of no return where she can't stand me any more, where she's reacting with ASPD no-filters honesty (which of course draws blood), and where we're actually splitting up or on the point of doing so and however bloodymindedly self destructive my behaviour is I REALLY don't want to split. She is quite honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me, the best person I've ever known, and I just don't want to drive her away ('nuff said, you get where I'm coming from).

SO AT LAST MY QUESTION. Is there any way in which we (as BPDs) can stop these unending cyclical "discussion/self-justification/dissection-of-what-went-wrong" diatribes with our SOs? Because I just don't seem to be able to stop even when I know how destructive it is. I just "have to" justify myself/show that I'm a decent person/that I don't mean any harm and I end up by doing the very harm I want to avoid. How in the name of all that's holy can I step away from these things and stop before it's too late?

Can anyone help me? Please?

[RSxo]

On 2017-5-23 at 6:19 PM, crustybob said:

I have recently discovered I have BPD, and I'm seeking treatment, primarily because the borderline is screwing up my relation with my ASPD girlfriend (though it also of course screws my life more generally). A very urgent specific problem has arisen in the last three days and, as it stands, unless this immediate problem can be overcome, we don't even have a relationship any more. So, I'm asking this in the hope someone else has similar experience and has some idea of what the hell I can do to break out of the cycle and regain my girlfriend's trust.

So, We've been together for 2½ years, during which time the only relationship problems we've had have sprung from what I now realise is my BPD: hypersensitivity to perceived or suspected slights and/or signs of being judged, rejected, or abandoned leading quite frequently (at first) to outbursts of intense anger. There is also a strong inability to break out of the black/white -euphoria/dysphoria apprehension of events, which of course distorts my understanding.

Over time, I've been able to get a handle on the sudden rages, which were almost invariably generated by the slightest, most improbable triggers. However, the rages were invariably accompanied with/followed by >3-hour discussions with my girlfriend in which the why wherefore and whatever of the trigger to the rage was turned inside out, back to front, looked at through both ends of a telescope and generally analysed to death in more ways than any normal mind could or should conceive of. Well, I say "discussions" - "aggressive, pleading monologues" might be closer to the mark. While my intention is to clear up misunderstanding and show what a super well-meaning chap I am after all, their actual effect on my girlfriend is to exhaust her, wear her down, and (increasingly) infuriate her. The worst thing seems to be that, even knowing that the discussions were wearing her down and infuriating her I was unable to switch off "explanatory mode" and just let things be/let things calm down.

Which brings me to this hyper urgent hyper dangerous present situation. The long and the short of it: the outbursts of rage following perceived triggers have calmed down almost to the point of disappearance (yippee) but of course trigger situations remain and now the >3-hour discussions in which the trigger is analysed and so forth have started now to inflate to >30-hour discussions and growing. One such discussion started Sunday morning (it's now Tuesday) and through the simple fact of wearing her down and the constant borderline flickering on my part (from self-abasement to resentment to anger to saying mean things to going back to self-abasement) I fear I've pushed her to the point of no return where she can't stand me any more, where she's reacting with ASPD no-filters honesty (which of course draws blood), and where we're actually splitting up or on the point of doing so and however bloodymindedly self destructive my behaviour is I REALLY don't want to split. She is quite honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me, the best person I've ever known, and I just don't want to drive her away ('nuff said, you get where I'm coming from).

SO AT LAST MY QUESTION. Is there any way in which we (as BPDs) can stop these unending cyclical "discussion/self-justification/dissection-of-what-went-wrong" diatribes with our SOs? Because I just don't seem to be able to stop even when I know how destructive it is. I just "have to" justify myself/show that I'm a decent person/that I don't mean any harm and I end up by doing the very harm I want to avoid. How in the name of all that's holy can I step away from these things and stop before it's too late?

Can anyone help me? Please?

Hi crustybob,

You've been really brave in sharing your story, so well done!

What makes you compelled to continue? If you are able to understand that your girlfriend's behaviours can be explained through her ASPD without her having to explain herself all the time, what makes you think that she won't be able to do the same for you?

Explaining ourselves in order to show we are good people indicates signs of anxiety. You appear to be so worried about what your girlfriend may or may not think of you, such that you have to constantly force this idea of you being a good person in her face until she gets fed up. The fact that you're able to discuss these thing with her for hours says to me that she really cares for you - most people don't have that kind of time for others. If she cares for you that much, I reckon she's able to understand the role of BPD in your behaviour.

My advice would be to stop worrying. If your girlfriend is ready to sit with you and discuss these things, she probably cares about you and loves you, so I wouldn't worry so much about every little thing that doesn't even make you a bad person! Trust her - she's stayed with you all this time for a reason!

Much love <3

[danielcroos]

"Can someone help me?" NO!