What can I do with my pent up anger from childhood to now?

[loverofcreation]

I had a very abusive childhood to the extent I have PTSD, BPD and other mental illnesses because of it, along with little to no memory of my childhood. I like indulging in things children would enjoy because I long for a childhood. I also had physical ailments because of it as well.
My father also caused me to have epilepsy for 7 years and because of the trauma I am literally unable to relax at all without sedatives such as benzos, which I'm not allowed to take every day as they are one of the most addictive drugs. I'm also on other sedatives and anti depressants.
I wasn't allowed to cry or show any negative emotions or I'd get beat and told how I was ''so stupid'' and ''evil''. (For the record, I am not stupid. I began speaking full sentences when I was just 10 months old, and had the reading level of a college graduate when I was just 8.) 
Though I may not have memory of my childhood I am prone to mood swings often and the anger is still there.
My 'father' ran away before he could be caught.
I was thinking of joining the army, destroying terrorists, but I have a heart defect (which requires drugs also), back problems and I'm overall very petite. I'm also legally blind because of all the seizures.

There needs to be an outlet for all these dark thoughts. I feel like I wouldn't have any issue maiming (be it directly or indirectly) people like my 'father' even if they're unable to escape. In terms of innocent people even with my parent's training I'm still not a sociopath.

[RSxo]

On 2017-6-2 at 8:43 PM, loverofcreation said:

I had a very abusive childhood to the extent I have PTSD, BPD and other mental illnesses because of it, along with little to no memory of my childhood. I like indulging in things children would enjoy because I long for a childhood. I also had physical ailments because of it as well.
My father also caused me to have epilepsy for 7 years and because of the trauma I am literally unable to relax at all without sedatives such as benzos, which I'm not allowed to take every day as they are one of the most addictive drugs. I'm also on other sedatives and anti depressants.
I wasn't allowed to cry or show any negative emotions or I'd get beat and told how I was ''so stupid'' and ''evil''. (For the record, I am not stupid. I began speaking full sentences when I was just 10 months old, and had the reading level of a college graduate when I was just 8.) 
Though I may not have memory of my childhood I am prone to mood swings often and the anger is still there.
My 'father' ran away before he could be caught.
I was thinking of joining the army, destroying terrorists, but I have a heart defect (which requires drugs also), back problems and I'm overall very petite. I'm also legally blind because of all the seizures.

There needs to be an outlet for all these dark thoughts. I feel like I wouldn't have any issue maiming (be it directly or indirectly) people like my 'father' even if they're unable to escape. In terms of innocent people even with my parent's training I'm still not a sociopath.

Hi loverofcreation!

Sorry to hear about your childhood - I can't begin to imagine how awful it must've been, and I'm proud that you've managed to stick it out so far

I think it's pretty clear that while you've repressed those childhood memories, they very much continue to influence your behaviour to this day. Indulging in childhood activities is your way to trying to reclaim your childhood. Lack of emotional output has led to the storing up of emotional energy, which erupts in violent bursts if not treated - the mood swings you experience and pent up anger would be explained by this too. 

You want to attack your father, as well as people like him. You want to join the army, but are unable to due to physical conditions. You vividly remember the lack of emotional care you received as a child. You continue to try and reclaim your childhood to this day. All this points to the fact that you're still stuck in the past. You feel so angry that you cannot leave the past be, and live your life in the present day. The first thing I would suggest you do is find a way to come to terms with what has happened, and the fact that you can do nothing to change it. You cannot rewrite the past, but you can rewrite your future.

I would suggest getting an appointment with a counsellor to discuss these issues and find ways to manage your emotions. They would be helpful in aiding you getting past what happened, and in finding ways to live a happier life in the future.

Much love <3