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I don't know what to do anymore


eggspertkiddo

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I don't write a lot, but I've heard I have an odd writing sense.

To understand some of the things here, I'm male, and 18 at the time of writing.

So for the first 11 years of my life, everything was moderately okay. I got bullied at school, but I was ambitious, and had plenty of skills. I've grown up with computers all my life, and am naturally quite intelligent if I do say so myself. I mean, yeah, the bullying was kinda hard, but I made it through. I'd wanted to be a teacher for a long time, and to this day I still wouldn't mind a career like that.
At that stage in my life, I'd been perfectly fine. I was a bit of a weird kid, also kinda antisocial and didn't have many friends, but that was okay.
I couldn't go out with friends that often because of distance. To get me into a good school, my parents had moved me to a school that was a few miles away from home. This wasn't a bad thing, but the consequences of it were somewhat major. I'm not gonna lie, I got lonely very quickly. I've never been in a proper romantic relationship even now in my life, and I don't much know how to get one. Oh well.

Then, when I was 12 years old, puberty.
I don't remember much before this point in life, but I know that this is where everything started going downhill.
There was 3 main events that happened during this stage, and I can't exactly remember which order they came in, so I'm going to describe them all with the reader knowing they may not have happened in this order.

Firstly, I was bullied. I had hygiene problems, undoubtedly, and constantly had people commenting on it, and bullying me about it. I admit, I was still living as a child at this stage in my life. I was bathing about once or twice a week, which was not enough for my stage in life. I had difficulty forming new habits, and therefore became quite lax with cleaning my teeth, looking after my hair, and other self-care things like that.

<Slight sexual references in this paragraph.>
Secondly, I did something so stupid. I don't particularly remember fully as to how or why this happened, but I'll try my best to explain it. One day, I was at home and was feeling particularly... in a sexual mood, let's say. A girl I knew had an Ask.FM account, and the greatest thing about that was the anonymity of it. I'd 'agreed' with this girl that we would trade sexual pictures with each other. However, after agreeing, I realised that I couldn't just be me. That would ruin the whole anonymity of the situation. So, I created a fake Facebook profile. I added the spoken of girl on there, and she didn't keep her part of the 'agreement'. That was a good thing, however I was feeling particularly needy. I added literally every female that was in the "suggested friends" tab, and proceeded to try and get them to send sexual imagery to me.

Thirdly, I did it again. I set up another fake Facebook profile. This one of a female, to try and make friends. I had fake pictures ready, and I knew the persona I wanted to pretend to be. When I did set it up and started talking to people, it felt... good. It relieved some kind of loneliness in me which had been building all my life, and the fact that I could just talk to people without them knowing it was actually me felt amazing. So, like a lot of highs, this turned into an addiction. I started adding to this life more than my own. I focused on it much more than my own life. For three years, I have parts of my life where I have no idea what happened, but I could name every event that happened to this alternate persona in chronological order. It wasn't healthy, and it wasn't helping me mentally. My school life was going down the drain. I started missing homework assignments. I started breaking down in the middle of class. I started getting anxious and paranoid about everyone, thinking if they knew the truth.

Then, it happened. The low after the high.

One day, the police were at my house. A group of 5 of them.
I'd just got back from my paper round, and had noticed two other police cars that were close to my house. I'd started panicking, thinking about what I'd done. Heck, I didn't even know it was actually for me.
I got home, and one officer asked me for my name, so I answered. They let me into my house, and my dad spoke to me outside. I can't remember his exact words, but it was something along the lines of "If you did this, you need to tell us. They're going to find out anyway.".
So, I admitted it was me who did it. One of the girls had reported me for sexual content and pedophilia (Thinking I was a lot older than I actually was because of the fake Facebook).
The police took me into the car, and then, accompanied by my dad, they drove to the nearby police station. They put me into an empty room with a glass window on the door, and a wooden bench. The walls were a light shade of blue, and the floor a darker shade of blue. The wood on the bench had started to rot slightly, and the paint on the walls had seemingly started to grow mouldy. I remember it too well.
The police took me out after what seemed like hours. I could just see the disappointment on my dad's face. I had to do an interview, and my dad had to come in with me. I can't remember too much about the interview, but it was during this that the empathy started to kick in. They didn't want to see what I showed them, and to be frank, neither did I.
They took all my technology. My computer, my phone, and my mother's laptop. Everything I had used, they had to take.
They let me out of the station and took me back home. I was a minor, so I got first class service. At least, as first class as the police can give you.

The day after, I went into school a wreck. The girl who had reported me, she was in my class. I had to see her. I was scared. What if she knew it was me? What if everyone knew it was me? I had to try and keep calm. The police had told the school about what I did, and this was when my depression had started to become noticeable.

I'm missing out a chunk of details here, because they're not important to progress the events. To summarise, the next couple of years were focused on dealing with the consequences of the previous events.

Then, sixth form started. I was 16 years old, I think, and I'd just got my GCSE results. They were, pardon my language, absolutely shit. Over the summer holidays, I spent quite a while just... doing nothing. I got lonely. Too lonely.
And then, I set up another fake character. For now, I'm just going to refer to this character as "En". This time, I would only speak with people who I didn't know personally. The plan was flawless. I had everything I needed. An email address, a Facebook account, pictures, and a Minecraft account.
So, I started. En had numerous romantic interests, and it actually helped me realise my own identity a bit.
This went on for about a year. I had stopped putting in any work at school, and whenever I could, I would change into En.
This then stopped, rather suddenly. My dad found out I was doing it again and started becoming more strict. My grades at school were really low, and I'd seemed to have messed up any chance of becoming a teacher now.
Programming computer programs quickly became a new hobby of mine. I realised it was something I'm actually extremely good at it. Everything I learn about it, I just understand. And I haven't felt about anything that way since I was about 10 years old.
I quickly got good at it. I started programming in all my free time. This is what I wanted to do with my life. I quickly became very ambitious about it. I'd made a game for the others in my computing class, and they all said it was amazing. It felt so good. It felt amazing.
I'd found something I was actually good at!

But then I'd got my grades back for the year at school. They were, again, terrible. This was a major kick, and I quickly spiraled back down into my depression. I registered for a counselor shortly after. They replied 8 months after.

And now, we get to where I am now. Back in depression, but seeing a counselor. I still have multiple fake characters that I use, and I can't stop. I want to go out now though. I want to meet people. I want to make actual friends. Heck, I didn't come on here to just ask for friends, but if anyone would like to chat, just... go ahead I guess. I aim to be one of the nicest people you will ever meet.

So, that's me. My life story, shortened down. I'd like to ask for support. I know that I should stop doing what I do, but I don't know how to.

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Hi there,

Sorry to hear what you've been through. Firstly, well done for having the courage to admit that this is a problem. That's the first step to recovering from an issue or problem, so you're already on your way!

From the first 11 years of your life, you had a very normal life. The stand out fact was social isolation. Being located away from peers, struggling to make friends and consequent loneliness. You said that it wasn't so bad, but I'd imagine that it probably affected you a lot more than you might think. Bullying may have also contributed to this - wearing away confidence and esteem may have caused you to be increasingly hesitant when it came to social interaction, and much more conscious about what others thought of you. The fact that you described yourself as weird as a child when you had quite a normal first 11 years points this out.

The hurt of social isolation is what I suspect led to the instances of cat-fishing (pretending to be someone else online). The bullying would have dented your confidence, such that perhaps you didn't feel that you were good enough to make friends. Thus, you turned to fake profiles in order to be someone who you thought was better, and thus would have a better chance of interacting with others. This became something that you desperately wanted - perhaps a mixture of being denied the opportunity for a while, as well as missing the social interaction that makes us human. The addiction formed, and intruded on other parts of your life - academic success plunged, mental well-being plummeted - and the decline of these areas would have only made that addiction stronger, since you would become more desperate to hang onto that source of happiness. After recovering from those events, you became lonely again, and so the cycle repeated. "En" happened, and you lived your social life as another person. And then you get the message that academic performance is poor, and then the depression came back.

Amidst the confusion, there are several clear takeaways from this experience:

1) Your desire for social interaction is very evident. You clearly want to engage in interacting with other people, but have kept resorting to a medium that doesn't make you happy. In that case, you need to take that first step, and start talking to people. Maybe you practice small-talk, or perhaps you reconnect with friends. Whatever it is, you'll only get better at social interaction through practice, so the more you interact with others, the better you'll get in time! Of course, it's much more comfortable behind a screen, but you need to go outside your comfort zone here. When you next see that person in a shop you regularly visit, talk to them! Or if a neighbour is passing by, say hello! Make that first step, and get yourself out there!

2) You know what you want to do. You know you want to become a teacher, and you know that you are very good at programming. Perhaps then, you could combine the two - becoming a programming teacher at a college or high school. However, you need to work backwards from that. If you want to be a teacher, you need the qualifications. If you want the qualifications, you need to pass those exams. To pass those exams, you have to study and work hard. To work hard and study, you have to improve your mental well-being and take back control of your life. It's never too late to learn for a qualification. You still have time on your side, so keep studying for those qualifications you want. Work on these one step at a time, and you'll be on the road to success :)

3) Online interaction isn't helping you right now. While it is bringing you instant happiness, it staves off face-to-face interaction, which only stalls your social skill improvement that you clearly want! It has ended you up in problems before, and addiction has also happened. I would stay away from it, since it is negatively affecting other parts of your life. Cut it out, redirect your energy into other parts of your life, and maybe later you can come back to it. However, you have to be disciplined, and take the steps you need to recover - if that means cutting off online interaction completely, then that's what must be done. You may be unhappy now, but you'll be much happier in the long run.

4) You're on the road to recovery. Whether you realise it or not, you've already taken big steps to recovery. You've accepted that there is a problem. You've shared your experience online. You've accepted that you need to get help, and have done so with the counsellor. Work with the counsellor in order to put you back on the right track, and live a happier life. You've already been brave by sharing and accepting this problem, so keep showing that passion to fight this battle and win this war! I believe in you! :)

I'd love to chat with you sometime! Hope you feel better soonx

Much love <3

 

 

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