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Don't know what to do


Becca_95

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Not to upset anyone or anger anyone. But this is a place I suppose I can speak freely because nobody can tell. I have had enough. I have nothing left to give a single person anymore and I dot really know what to do. 

 

A few weeks ago I was Sent to a mental health ward (goodmayes). Can you imagine the last place you can imagine yourself being is there and get the staff tell you to f**k off just because you ask for a glass of water. All my life I've been a victim of crime of horrible, vile disgusting men and yet I end up being the one locked up and they are free? 

 

Ive always done the right thing. I've never hurt anyone. I love animals and I don't have a criminal record. 

 

My "father" will be released from prison next year in march. After doing 6 years in prison. He got sentenced to 20 years? Why say 20 when he only does 6? He abused me for 5. But because I was aged 9-14 the criminal justice act changed. So hes found a loophole. So I've been free for only a little while longer than he abused me. But I haven't been able to reflect and try and fix me ? Why? Because as soon as he went to prison I was attacked again! 

 

3 times. I've been attacked by the same person. When I've told the police they've been quite unhelpful. You know what. If the police are the only people I have to help me, and yet they don't then why. So I withheld the evidence. Last year I had to have an abortion after an attack!! And no one would help me. I had to sleep in my own car bleeding as there was nowhere for me to go? 

 

I finally get housed. Above a horrible man and woman.  He's just been released from prison after doing 8 years for attacking someone with a machete. Before that he did 18 years for a racially aggrivated murder. They asked for money. I said no. They are drug users and I don't see why I should give them money. So they leave meat on my doorstep. They've attacked me in the street. Vandilised my car. I didn't get given my car, I saved 20 a week from 80 a week wages to get that. It's the only protection I have when outside ? Because that man only lives a few roads down. They always refer to me as a "white girl". Piss off you Race baiters. 

 

They attacked my car. Put things through my door. I just want to be left alone with my little cat and try and get over things. But if I make a complaint he makes a counter allegation (false) and the council have said they are just "piggy in the middle". 

 

He made a false complaint recently that I had a party and an ambulance came as I had been drinking with all my friends. This was proven untrue. I had overdosed on sleeping pills I bought online. I don't feel safe outside and now I don't feel safe at home. The ambulance service proved this to be untrue but yet, nothing is done. 

 

So after being proven as a liar, they just send another's letter telling them to stop harassing me. 

 

Another day. He offered me crack. I was disgusted and he said " White girls would suck dick for a bit of crack". 

Hes looking at the wrong "white girl". And also, if a young girl was going to do that for drugs and you accepted that offer, that says more about you than her. 

 

Anyways. I don't know what to do anymore. I have have cried for help. I have asked for help. I've spoken to the housing, the police, the mp. What can I do. Then I try to kill myself and I get locked up??? This isn't fair at all. They try and give me anti depressants and I say it's not me that has a problem in my head it's the problems around me. 

In 22 now. How can you let my dad out of prison, how can you do that to me????? It was okay when I was under 18 and everyone's around me to make sure I go to court. Get their prosecution. Now he's coming out, i ask what do I do? They said "if you see him, go to a place of safety and call 999". He will kill me. If Daniel sees me he will too. He's the one who's attacked me 3 times. 

 

If no one listens to me alive. Maybe the will when I am dead. There's evidence about the attacks from that scumbag in my home and an abortion clinic near me. 

 

I just dont understand how this can happen. I've had enough. And I hate my neighbours. Why put me above them. It's a house converted into two flats so I'm upstairs and they are downstairs. I've done nothing to them except refuse to give them money for there drugs. 

I have no where to go. It takes me days to work myself up to leave my house. 

I just don't understand how the prison service can do this to me? They had a choice to make. They've chose him. I can't be on the same earth as him while he's out of prison. I can't be moved from Daniel as I haven't made a report to the police and tbh I don't want too! They've not been great so far. And then this neighbour. Just leave me alone.

i try to kill my self end up in goodmayes hospital and the staff can't speak English and the ones who can tell you to fuck off. The only thing I took from being in that hospital is that if your gonna kill your self do it properly. Else I'll end up their again! 

 

Maybe I'm more like these people than i would like to be. The overdoses fail! And I won't do anything that hurts because it's hurts!!! Fucking coward. Wouldnt believe I used to self harm. Wtf is wrong with me? 

 

When I hung myself when I was 16 it went into the guardian paper. "Police save teen seconds from death". Thank you. You did all but fucking name me. May aswell have. 

 

I'm lost and don't know what to do. I hate pain. Overdoses are failing all the time! If I knew where to get a gun I'd get one and I'd put it through my head. But who do you ask for a gun? I don't know anyone. 

I can't ask for help because I'll be the one punished.

i don't know what to do in this situation. Maybe i need to get over the fear of ‭‭pain

 

Then I'm told I HAVE THE PROBLEM. I have "emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder" 

 

I call it "police and prison service can't be asked" 

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