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What is actually wrong with me? What help can I seek?


Tyler95

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Hi guys

Im a new member here and I want to start of by saying that  I do not know what exactly is wrong with me and I do not know what help to seek with my issue/issues. I want to start of by saying that I am 22 year old and a fulltime first year university student who is  doing reasonably well so far on my course.So my problem may not be quite as disabling as many other members on this forum so I just want to get that off my chest now.I am not even sure where to begin so I will try to present my mental situation as coherently as possible.

I have been bullied and often been made to cruel remarks throughout my childhood and into adulthood.I have been betrayed and humililated many times.No sexual abuse though just to make that clear.On top of that I am also very sensetive and so I think this magnifies my past expiriences.Those things have happend years ago and yet despite this I have never really went for long periods of low moods. It is only in the past year that my anxiety and strange beaviour really kicked in.

I have several friends although no gf. I occasionaly socialise with them and try to appear normal as possible but my suffering at times very intense.In my mind I am persecuted by every single person I meet. Every single person in this world has malicious intentions torwards me inluding my family members who often appear to be suppourting me. This feeling is not constantly persistent but is more persistent than not. There are certain things which make me very paranoid or very angry. One of those things is the change of someone's facial expression.

When I am with my friends I can really have fun and have a fairly moderate fair and even positive mood.Yet often without warning I feel sudden switch where I suddenly imagine elaborate scenarios where my friends are betraying and doing horrible things.This switch is often triggeredby even slight change in someone's expression. They may not say anything but a slight change in their facial expression is enough to trgger  those evil thought. I think to myself: they changed their facial expression beacuse they thought something bad about me.They changed their facial expression because they have malicious intent. They changed their facial expression because they plan on taking actice steps to harm me in some way. This can make me very upset,suspicious.I try to keep my cool but I grin my teeth in anger or look down. My friends try to be kind it seems and they reassure me but I am still very angry. I may have'to go to the toilet or somewhere to start crying.I may imagine some horror thoughts and then cry due to feelingd of gulit. When I get in my car I scream to myself saying'Its not true!!!' or 'Shut up ! Leave me alone!!! or'I would never never never do that!!!' The distress is real. I then my walk somewhere and every person I see has evil torwards me or is thinking that they are better than me.It is those that type of powerful feelings which I completly cannot control. I told myself: That's ridcicoulous! Dont be so negative! but guess what ? it is not working the thoughts are so powerful.

I initialy thought that I have depression and I might have it but my issue seems to be a different. People with depression tend to be depressed overwhelming majority of the time and that is NOT the case with me.I am actually frequent with a fair or even very very happy mood.  My mood changes can be sudden,drastic and I can go without the paranoid thoughts for several days at the time. When the paranoid thought are gone I am very postive. It is a little bit strange because my whole perception is so drastically dofferent and superior. I sudeenly think that everyone thiks I'm important,that I am expectionally handsome and can do many things. I struggle to sleep at night and just laugh for hours due to the very very positive and plesant thoughts. The thoughts are usu\lly then very optimistic. I think it's very good until it seems like my head is going so fast and I should be doing things faster. The sensation in my head is like things are moving FAST it is hard to describe. The thoughts are so that I have'to stop mysled from laughing in joy. Personally I enjoy this part alot until the excitement brings an element of anxiety and my heart is beating too fast. This can last a few days or a few hours.When it is over I go back to fairly regular or parnoid/anxious mood. My mood can also swithc back and forth, In a way I can be very childish. I feel I used to be more mature in the past. It is like I have reverted back to a more childish way of thinking. It is at times very humililating. It is hard to describe and impossible to control. i feel like a physical sensation when I am paranoid or when i swith to the more happy evrsion of me.

I do think that the my persistent issue is my element of anxiety but I do not think that I have clinical depression. or maybe I'm wrong? I decided to seek help and have had a few CBT therapy sessions which were deemed as usuless. The counselor have reffered to some other type of level 3 cbt with more sessions but I do not see how they are going to help. All they do is ask me: how do you feel about this? what do you think can help? Well if i knew what could help me then I would do that.

I went to see a GP and have done a blood test which ruled out  any thyroid issues and any hormonal imbalance, or testosterone deficency,

I just do not know what the issue is and what type of help I should seek. What do you guys think? any advice would be appreciated especeially from any members here in the UK

 

 

 

 

 

 

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