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Angeloola

Am I right or is it just my BPD?

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Hi everybody

I am new here and I wanted to ask opinions on something that causes me a lot of stress and triggers off doubts, paranoid thoughts, attention seeking, etc.

My partner of the last 4 years is the most caring, kind, loving, supportive and understanding man I have ever met. However, we cannot live together due to the fact he spent some time in prison. Since he came out of prison he has lived rather reclusively because he is scared and prison affected him badly. But there is one person who was extremely supportive and helpful to him during his time in prison and afterwards who still phones him most days. He has told me he is very grateful for her support when everybody else turned their backs on him after what he did and therefore happily takes her calls and chats for up to an hour. Yes, its a girl. He has also told me he slept with this girl, once, not long after his release from prison six years ago.

I am utterly jealous of this girl. I hate that they had sex (once, 6 years ago). I hate that they continue to speak. My partner assures me that he loves me and that he just appreciates the support she has always given him and I do believe that, but when I know they have been speaking, or that they may be speaking (I know what time she usually phones him) I am completely consumed with jealousy and can't help focussing on the thoughts that they are probably discussing the sex they had, or they are having phone sex, or they are arranging to meet again, or discussing each other's bodies, or that he wishes he was with her, or that she is sending him tempting photos, etc etc.

When I am with him and I see her name flash up on his phone, I get upset. So recently he has started telling the girl when he will be with me and so not to phone cos I get upset, but I still get upset because it now somehow seems like they have something to hide.

So I don't know what to do. I would love to tell him to end this friendship with her or to tell her to stop phoning him, but she has been doing so for many years, visited him and helped him through prison, was there to help when he came out, and has been there ever since as somebody to talk to since he is quite lonely. I don't think I have the right to ask somebody to end a friend ship like that. Besides, it probably IS just a phone based friendship (they haven't met up with each other for 6 years and live in totally different parts of the country) so I don't want to overreact and make a scene if I am actually worrying over nothing or overreacting.

My partner knows about my BPD and has been there through everything. He deals with my crazy mental attacks amazingly and has promised to stick by me and support me no matter what. He knows I am jealous of this girl and he has done all he can to reassure me he really isn't interested in her and that he loves me. He tries so hard.

I'd love to know your thoughts please.

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Hi Angeloola, 

Honestly...I think your worries are well founded regardless of the BPD. In your situation I think I would feel exactly the same (although I also have BPD so maybe you shouldn't listen to me). At the end of the day it's your partner still in contact with a past partner which I know can/does happen but the long phone calls just seem a bit too much if you get me. 

That said, it's impossible for me to understand the situation purely from your comment so please don't do anything rash off the back of what I've just said. Would it be worth speaking to him again about it, it's nearly always better to talk than to let something build up inside :)

I hope you get this sorted! 

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