New guy (Warning! Contains small triggers)

[BrokenManAlan]

Hi, my name is Alan. I'm not sure if this website is LGBT friendly but I am a Female-to-Male pre-op Transsexual man meaning I was born female but I want to become male. 

I am 30 years old and originally from a large town called "Luton" in south east of England but I lived in north London for almost 4 years and then last year I moved to Kingston upon Hull a big city with a countryside and a beach in East Yorkshire. 

I suffer from both learning disabilities and mental illnesses. I have Asperger's Syndrome which is a complicated but high functioning form of Autistic Spectrum Disorder and then I have Dyslexia, Depression, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I began suffering from depression from the age of 13 after my cousin was murdered and when my parents separated. A year after that, I was raped and suffered a miscarriage. 

I began self-harming at 16 when I fell into peer pressure. In college, I was struggling to fit in and find a social group that I belonged to and people began to realise I was interested in women and I was terrified as most of the people at the college were all lower class non-educated delinquents hooligans who were violent and very homophobic and also I was worried my mother would find out so nearly every day till I was 18 years old I tried many suicide methods or would create self-inflicted wonds on my forearms. When I was 17, I finally told my family I was raped at 14.

By the time I was 18, I came out as transsexual to my mother and psychiatrist and at 19 I told my best friend that I wanted to become a man and that I was interested in women. 

Recently I've lost my grandfather who lives far away and I never got to say goodbye to him and also I found out that my own biological father sexually abused me as a baby and toddler. So I guess you could say I've been through a lot and I'm still recovering.