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I have BPD and DPD and want to have children, please help


Kyle Daniel

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Hi all

I wanted to ask a question and I was hoping you would be able to help.

I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Dependant Personality Disorder. It’s not easy but me and my wife are getting through it and its all ok in that regard.

My big concern is wanting children but not wanting to pass on my BPD to them. My BPD developed as a result of my parenting so it’s a big worry. The bigger worry is that they weren’t outright violent or manipulative; they passed on their BPD even with having the best of intentions and trying really hard.

I want to start preparing myself and the first step is understanding and this is where I need some guidance. I physically cannot picture what a healthy child/parent relationship looks like (I know they are never perfect but roughly speaking…). Whenever I think about kids and how I would treat them/react to them in a certain situation I find myself mentally starting to imitate my parents which is very worrying. In terms of black and white thinking, that IS parenting to me…even though I know it isn’t.

I wanted to ask if anyone knows of a good place to start? A very simple, very straightforward description or diagram or paragraph that explains how the parent/child relationship is meant to look (again roughly speaking). I’m not asking for the ‘magical perfect answer’ as I know there isn’t one but I need a solid and easy first step to begin to understand and start that journey.

Any advice at all would be really appreciated.

Thank you all very much

Kyle

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Hi there. There's a lot of anxiety when we suffer with mental health and children.  Luckily BPD isn't genetic it's from traumatic experiences and other reasons. I've got 2 children and I'm BPD and Bipolar.  They wouldn't have a risk of BPD but the risk of bipolar as its a chemical imbalance in the brain.  Bpd/eupd can be helped with hard work, therapy,  medication such as antidepressants but shouldn't have to be on them life long.

 

Speak to whoever is involved with you tho as children are so so hard. It has really set me off and every single day I am triggered over 50ntimes a day. Its possible but make sure that the support will be in place.

 

Hope this helps x

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  • 4 months later...

Well I think that it is very good that you want to have children. You have some goals in life, and dreams.

People that often sufferes from borderline, does not really have any dreams or goals in life. 

Do you want children, or is it just because your wife wants children? Are you capable of seeking help, so your children does get affected by your problems? 

If you easily get triggered by people, you need to ignore it, and just be yourself. Try to drink some hot things. Like Tea or coffee. It might help in your stomach, so you can get rid of the emptiness. 

The journey 

The first thing is to look at yourself in a normal way. Dont let your brain control you, and trick you. Say to yourself that you are normal, and have the same oppitunties like everyone else. Remember everything is possible in life. Be strong, and don't let other defines you as a person. 

Remember you are not alone about your problems. Say to yourself that you are normal like everyone else, and don't let those doctors control you. 

 

Bye. 

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Hi there :)

I have BPD. I also have an 11 year old and 4 year old, both with complex needs, and my youngest is nearly 3! I'm a single mum (relationship started to fall apart just before my youngest was born, but final nail in the coffin was last August, so still a bit new to doing the single parent thing all over again (I was with my eldest, too, for around 5yrs).

 

 

i relate and follow the "gentle parenting" ethos quite closely, and this is basically just being responsive and kind, treating them as though they are a whole human with as much right to respect and kindness and love as I or any other adult, no less important because they are younger. 

I treat them with mutual respect and I guide them rather than force. I lead by example and through explaining logically what is expected, I help them to meet those expectations, rather than using demands or threats to control or other tactics to force compliance. 

 

 

it is perfectly possible to have these disorders and be a good, healthy parent. I am not concerned that I will "pass on" my unhealthy traits to my children, much less pass on the disorder itself. 

 

there is a genetic link, but this is through behaviour and how the parent relates to the child and vice versa. Those of us who are doing this work on ourselves, have this level of awareness regarding our disorder, and are consciously striving to have a positive, healthy relationship with our babies.... We are not a concern <3

On 5/24/2018 at 1:43 PM, Maria Rasmussen said:

Well I think that it is very good that you want to have children. You have some goals in life, and dreams.

People that often sufferes from borderline, does not really have any dreams or goals in life. 

Do you want children, or is it just because your wife wants children? Are you capable of seeking help, so your children does get affected by your problems? 

If you easily get triggered by people, you need to ignore it, and just be yourself. Try to drink some hot things. Like Tea or coffee. It might help in your stomach, so you can get rid of the emptiness. 

The journey 

The first thing is to look at yourself in a normal way. Dont let your brain control you, and trick you. Say to yourself that you are normal, and have the same oppitunties like everyone else. Remember everything is possible in life. Be strong, and don't let other defines you as a person. 

Remember you are not alone about your problems. Say to yourself that you are normal like everyone else, and don't let those doctors control you. 

 

Bye. 

I have BPD. I have dreams, goals, aspirations - many I've already achieved (I am both blessed, and a damned stubborn woman!! Lol), and many more I am working towards. 

 

 

As for your advice.... Of ignore your triggers when they occur, just be yourself, and try a hot cup of tea? 

You sound like the crisis team used to sound, back before even they realised that was obsurd advice. :rolleyes:

 

Tea does not address triggers. Neither does ignoring. "myself", in that moment when I am triggered.... Is just that. Someone who has has experiences that I've now been reminded of due to a link between my present and my past. I respond accordingly. 

Therapy teaches radical acceptance, distress tolerance, and mindfulness. It teaches self-care and it teaches to improve the moment. These are skills that have proven to work time and time and time again. Dbt is a lifesaver. It would not be classed as a disorder if it was normal - that is going some way to invalidate the experiences that have resulted in our psyche functioning the way that it does. Just because this disorder is present, does not mean that it is limiting, though. 

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