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looking for some advice/help?


tg0121

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hi I am completely new to this..

I'm a 24 year old male and I have been living with 'issues' for as long as I can remember.

I went through a tough times as a child my mom was a drug/alcohol abusive, she was violent towards my dad and I had to move away where I was raised none other than the saint of my step mother. I was put through therapy at about 8 years of age. people thought I had attention issues because of family background. I haven't seen my mother since I was about 14 after realising the person she was.. anyway at the age of about 17 where I began to feel like I wasn't normal I've been a hairdresser since I left school so I should be the bubbly person I come across as but inside I'm the complete opposite. I struggled to stay in a relationship with women because of trust issues and past experiences. and to trust other people around me.

at the age 19 I became very depressed and although I still worked 5 days a week I isolated myself from others and things around me I became very depressed and suffered with anxiety attacks at work because I was always worrying about what other people thought or what customer was going to come through the door etc.. I decided to go to the doctors where I tried therapy to erase these illusive thoughts I was having way too often. they offered me anti depressants but from my experience of other family members being on them I didn't want to go down that route..

Things got better for me when I allowed myself to meet an amazing woman who I expressed these feelings with and it felt a lot better because I knew I had her to come to home to, who is now my fiancé :)

we were then expecting a baby and at the age of 23 that did give me a motivation to do something I decided to change career but things only went down from there as the baby was born way very premature and did not survie for longer than a few minutes, we then both went through a bad few months as anyone can imagine. I then went back to the doctors last year after this happened and decided to take myself back to the doctors as the illusive thoughts were a lot worse and a lot more frequent questioning everybody and everything around me feeling hurt and betrayed but with no one to blame.

after a little bit more group therapy which i had to have because 1-1 sessions were not available for 4 months (which to be honest is not much help at all sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers identifying things which you already know) then the doctor gave me 20 mg of citalopram which i have been on since august last year. After a few intense weeks I did start to feel a little better but struggled a lot more with sleeping and felt very zombie like.

I do not see how a pill can help overcome anything. if anything it makes you feel more isolated and insecure about yourself knowing you have to take something on a daily basis. I am now down to 10mg of citalopram every other day but I don't feel better about anything since taking the dosage! Not too sure what I'm looking for but anything would be great...

 

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