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My self-diagnosed BPD roller coaster ride


Bubblehead

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My self-diagnosed BPD roller coaster ride

A journey from distress to relief to "self-acceptance"

 I call it BPD as that is what most people know it by, but I prefer to refer to it as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I find the latter to be more realistic and grounded. Besides, BPD is now associated to "freaks", "crazy manipulative psycho bitches" ... people you must stay away from... well in my opinion after all these years I think I should be staying away from YOU because you are the ones causing my pain, anxiety, distress etc (and yes I know this is mostly untrue, but in my BPD brain it is all on you). So if in addition to that, you would also like to add the pain of stigmatizing us... well go ahead... but don't cry when I turn into the biggest demonic bitch you've ever seen. What I am trying to say is... we are stuck in a vicious circle and your labeling is not helping at all.

 Please note I am not here to provide you with solutions or answers to anything, I am no guru on the matter. I am here to talk about my journey as I have always found writing a good healing exercise. Also, if this is going to provide any comfort to at least one person who is in my same position... well that would make me truly happy. 

A journey from distress to relief to "self-acceptance" 

As you can see I wrote self-acceptance in inverted commas. Reason being, I am not ready, I am not there yet. But I hope to achieve it at some point in life, Even if it happens in 50 years. This is my new goal in life. If i were to base myself on those 3 stages I mentioned, I'd say that I am currently transitioning from distress to relief. I must say, it is not a smooth and decisive transition. It is like a roller coaster ride. Now my life is already a roller coaster ride in itself so imagine having a roller coaster ride into a ride. Can it get any worse? 

 I am currently in a stage where every few hours it hits me. I have BPD... and I feel all these icicles piercing my heart... it aches badly, I want to hide... I focus so strongly on the cold icicles they turn warm and become home. I find safety in the feeling of knowing. A relief I finally know why I feel so different and felt so different my entire life. Then the blaming game starts. Who did this to me and how and why? Well one possibility is that we have a history of mental illness in the family. My grandma used to get severely depressed, or at least that is what they thought. My grandma was suffering from a severe case of BPD which went untreated her whole life and it only got worse and worse and I am quite sure even the persons that were closest to her haven't figured it out yet why their mother went from this loving caring happy person to a demonic bitch in no time. Pardon my selection of words but that's the truth and I want to stay grounded as much possible. I am going to give it to you raw, as raw as BPD is. They say we have no emotional skin and that is why we feel so much more that it hurts to the point of affecting us mentally. Apparently, you guys kind of filter emotions, it seems that you guys learned how to react properly and adequately to each emotion you encounter. We did not, so we feel it as raw as it can get. Hence, our overreactions. It is not drama. We feel it stronger and in turn we react more intensely. Anyhow back to my blaming games. So yes there is this possibility of genetic inheritance. Another reason that torments me and I hate it... is thinking that my parents did this to me. I hate thinking this as they are 2 amazing persons I love deeply notwithstanding the conflicted relationship we share. Let's start with my mum. She used to hurt me mentally and physically and I do not think that even till this day she realises the damage she has caused to me. If she believed in something, it didn’t matter if it was right or wrong, if she believed in it then it must be right and if little Steffy did something opposite of that, that's it. I knew I was gonna get hurt. Very rarely she would sit down and explain to me why it is better to do this rather than that... this I believe is quite a lazy parenting style. You scare the child, the child does exactly what you want him/her to do. Problem is... child is not learning SHIT. Another thing I feel that might have contributed to this is the conditional loving complex we had. Nowadays I know my mother loves me unconditionally but back then it was not the case. She always made me feel like what I do is not enough. At that point even if I got A+ at school she would have wanted more, and that is not all, she always made me feel that I am only worth of being loved if I do things correctly (the way she likes them to be done). I think it is important to mention at this point that my mother has a quite severe case of OCD so it was very hard to always please her. But she always had this underlying thing of making me feel like I am a bad person if I don't do things exactly the way she wants them to be done. Before I close my mother's topic, I need you all to understand that we all have our flaws and our personality disorders or if not, at least personality disorder traits so DO NOT judge my mother. She is a truly amazing, kind and loving person and she did what she thought was best, she did not know better. Onto my father now. My papy has a very low self-esteem with very strong narcissistic traits, not sure yet if he can be classified under NPD, but I am sure he stands somewhere around there. His opinion is so strong there is no room for any other opinion in the room he is in, no matter how big the room is. I am still not sure how all this comes together and creates this cute lil monster of me but I do think that somehow all this is related and connected to each other. My next blaming victim is basically everyone... every single person that has been in my life and got really close to me should have realised. Why no one realised? Did they realise and not have enough balls to let me know what they were thinking? I received several comments in my life like... "being with you is like a roller coaster ride", "stop putting people on pedestals and adore them profoundly and then kick them off the moment they do something that hurts you", "life is not just black and white... think grey!" etc... I even used to get defensive when people would tell me these things. Anyhow, so even people noticed certain traits, they just didn't know it was BPD related. And how can I blame them when I myself… took me 31 years to realise it? I even have a degree in Psychology for fuck’s sake! How is it possible that I did not see it before? I always felt different but at the same time, it would never cross my mind for a second that I had BPD... and that is what hurts most... not realising it before, this thought causes so much pain that I do not even know how to explain it. It is the ultimate betrayal. I betrayed myself in tricking myself into thinking that I'm okay and everything is fine. How could I do that to myself? And if people cared enough, they would have researched and figured out what was wrong with me... but they did not. As you can see, it is all... blaming blaming blaming, it is a prominent BPD trait. We blame others for almost everything that happens to us, but we do not do it maliciously, we truly believe that anything bad that happens to us is because of other people. 

 The “blaming game” played an important part in the whole process of finding out I have BPD. How? Well… I have been in a relationship for about 2 years with a guy and we have been living together for the last year. I’ve always felt that like me, he was very different from other people, and so similar to me in so many things. The first 5 months were AMAZING, all my needs were being met, he adored me and worshipped the ground I walked on. He passed the relationship test with flying colours. And that’s when things started going wrong. I was being very open and straightforward about certain things and he got really hurt to the point he got really shitty towards me, not for a week or two, but for over a year. This completely destroyed me and devastated me. Imagine how you feel when someone treats you like shit and hurts you, now take that and multiply it by 10, and that is the main difference between you and me. Anyhow he always talked about being depressed and anxious so I did lots of research and approximately a year ago I felt the borderline description fit him quite well, I also remember reading certain stuff and thinking to myself…hmm this sounds quite familiar. But I did not put too much thought into it. Back then I still used to think that it was impossible I had a personality disorder. And with regard to him, I tried to forget about it as what I read was quite scary and I was hoping it was not true. A year went by. We fight so much and the fights are not so “normal”. When we hate each other during a fight it is so intense, anyone from the outside would think we do not love each other and that we are about to kill one another. Ten minutes later and there we are hugging and loving each other like never before. When both of us are happy at the same time, it is the best feeling I’ve ever felt in my whole life, it is literally a high. Imagine the intensity of a BPD x2. It is surreal. Strongest, scariest, most intense roller coaster ride you’ve ever been on. It feels so fkin good, so real… I’m finally alive. Anyhow, I have been in multiple relationships, enough to know that this was not a normal relationship. I knew it was not normal because of him, what I did not know is that it was not normal because of me too. Every little fight we had, I always thought it was his fault. But I did not do this maliciously to piss him off, I honestly always thought it was him and his issues. Never realised, not even for a second that it could be me too. Even now that I am aware of it, if you present me with a conflict we had months ago I’d still think it is his fault we fought in that circumstance. I find it very hard, close to impossible, to see what I did wrong, let alone accept responsibility for my words and actions. So yet again, while researching I end up reading about Borderlines because in my head I thought if I can classify what my partner has, maybe I would be able to deal with him better. (Even this “in my head” term I use very often and I feel it is somehow related to BPD. It feels like I use it when I think that people think I am doing something wrong to kind of justify it by saying… listen I know you might not agree with me especially because we are different, but that is how it is “in my head” I don’t expect you all to see it the same way I do, so please don’t expect me to see it the same way you do, and meanwhile if you could also accept me for who I am, that would be great, thank you). Ok where were we? Yes, research about my love and his BPD. I got so scared I felt I was going to throw up. The whole description I read translated to… nothing but trouble and danger. Of course, that makes sense now, because people have this bad habit of being scared of the unknown, that that they cannot understand so they draw it like this hopeless, all negative, bad picture. Throughout this entire torture of text… there was one sentence that triggered something in me. It said:

The Chase is intoxicating for Casanova (borderline male)--outside of that, he gets bored. Borderline females are the only ones who are better at this game than he is~ and in truth, they can hold his attention indefinitely. Years after their split, he's still lamenting about the one who got away and insisting it was "real love," even though his attachment fears caused him to act-out, and surely hastened the death of that relationship.”

…and I froze….

Reason being, he always used to get bored within weeks of being with someone. He felt like he has never loved this deeply before. He always says this is it. And I always used to wonder… for someone who gets bored so easily (like I do) how can he be so hooked on me for so long? Why?

And for the first time, after reading that paragraph I felt like I had an answer or was close to getting one. Whatever it was, it scared the shit out of me. I didn’t want to find out I have BPD, even if it means that it makes me the perfect candidate for my love. That same night I read so much material and so many tears were shed. What I cannot understand up to today… how can you read the traits and think nahh this is not me at all and truly believe in it, and then you read them again and realise that it is nothing but you. One must really be in a strong denial stage.

 Ok so onto my BPD. I always felt extremely different from other people. I could never understand it. I just knew I was different. When I look at people I can see that they are not feeling what I am feeling, I can feel that they are not suffering the way I am. I just used to blame it on me being too sensitive. I just did not know there was so much more to it. And now it all makes so much sense, like a puzzle coming together. How is it possible that I never figured it out before… that is just beyond me.

 Let’s analyse the traits thoroughly so you will have an idea of what I am talking about.

 Relationship = roller coaster ride.

So many times I was told that being with me is like being on a long roller coaster ride. Never really put too much thought into it. I actually always thought of it as a compliment. At least, that is how they made it sound like. They were addicted to my passion and intensity. Problem is, the moment the relationship gets too stable, I suddenly get hit by all the flaws of the person I have by my side. I start hating on them. I get bored. I cannot stand them. However, I don’t want to be alone. So what do I do? I find someone else that is up for an intense adventure. Get at least, emotionally involved so I feel safe. Otherwise, I would not be able to break up. Throughout the years I realised I find it very very hard to break up with people, so I need motivation. And the only thing that motivates me is knowing that there is an amazing love story waiting for me to end something in order for it to start properly. Keeping that in mind, I finally break up. This happened for almost every serious relationship I had. Please note not one single tear is ever shed from my end. The only tears I shed is when I put myself in my ex’s shoes and try to imagine what it must be like for them. That pain… paralyses me, terrorises me. Hurts so bad that for a few moments I feel I have to protect them, hug them and tell them it was just a nightmare, I am not leaving them and everything is going to be fine. I realise my heart is in agony for them. Too much pain = emotional shut down. So it is like I am in a dream, I open my eyes, realise I am feeling too much, take a step back, and become emotionless. When it gets too much, I have to put on my shield. And that is how I get my nicknames “heartless bitch”, “ice queen”, “cold as ice” etc. Believe me you want me to use my shield, you don’t want to have a shield-less Steffy running around, I would be all over the place, that would cause chaos, disaster…

 Unstable relationships – idealization and devaluation

Besides the sentimental ones as explained above, I have very unstable relationships in general. People to me are either good or bad. The concept that we are all humans and we can do mistakes… that does not exist in my head. I will love you, adore you, give you everything, make you feel special in every single way BUT the moment you hurt me (even by doing something very silly)… that is it, there is no going back. To me, you’re dead. You become this bad person I can’t even stand looking at. Now as you can imagine, everyone fucked up at some point or another. And in turn, everyone got pushed away by me. In addition to that, I am unable to maintain relationships even if you did not hurt me. Unless we do something together regularly, I do not see any point in maintaining contact so I will eventually stop talking to you. The only ones that succeed at staying friends with me, are the ones that are very persistent and keep on poking me from time to time and make sure I answer back. But eventually, they all give up and stop wasting time with me.

 Black and white thinking

I worked on this very hard years ago and now I am able to accept other people’s opinions. Hence I want to be listened to. I need to be listened to. I need to know that people are going to love me no matter what my opinion is. That they are going to accept me no matter what my opinion is. I am scared to voice my opinion because the moment I say what I think, people reject me. They do not like what I have to say. Maybe it is too raw for them, too real. People at times find it easier to live an idea rather than know the truth about something. However, when it comes to people, I do a lot of black and white thinking. Let’s say a person did something amazing... they will be my new hero and I will fall in love with them immediately. One little bad thing from that person and they are instantly added to my black book. Now, I know people are not completely bad or good, but I simply cannot help it.

 Identity struggle

This was the hardest for me to come to terms with. So hard, you have no idea. It still aches when I think about it. To understand that I have no real identity and that what I have put on was just a mask… is scary. I am even having trouble writing anything about it. That is how scared I am of people finding out. And of me finding out more about it. I am scared it would break me to the point of no return. I will try get into it a lil bit. I read people that have no stable physical image have an identity struggle. And this makes perfect sense. I spent my teens and twenties changing my hair colour all the time. I tried every possible “acceptable” colour, from blonde to copper, to red to black etc. I have no style. I go through phases but I literally have no style. I am extremely unpredictable. And if I like something I want to wear it all the time. People struggling with identity use a lot of mirroring. And this was immensely hard for me to admit. I do this mostly with partners. I always used to think of myself as a chameleon and I even thought of it as something good being capable to adapt to your surroundings. But that’s not really it. I am nothing so I need to mirror other people to be something. Honestly, I don’t think I am completely nothing because I do have my interests but somehow it is never enough and I am always changing. If I were to evaluate my life, I’d say I was very successful and life was fruitful when I was mirroring certain people that had lots of positive vibes.

Dissociation

This I believe happens to me when I am kind of depressed. I look at the mirror and I do not know who the person in front of me really is. I cannot identify. It is fucked up. Mind-blowing. I look deeply into my eyes and I cannot find me. I feel numb and flat. One thing I notice is my face is always changing. Every day I see myself different in the mirror and even when I take pictures, I always look different. When I say different, I do not mean the angle of the camera, or different make-up or hair, I just see it change every day and I always wonder if people see what I see. But if they did, how could they recognise me? Because from where I am if I don’t check every morning in the mirror to see what I look like, I wouldn’t be able to know that this person is me because to me I look so different all the time. And I do not know what this means but I somehow feel it is BPD related.

 Self harming, cutting and suicidal thoughts

This is the part that gave me hope that I do not have BPD. First of all, I would never hurt myself on purpose. Yes I am clumsy as fuck. But never and I repeat NEVER would I hurt myself. I cannot bear any physical pain. I contract minimal physical pain and I am already in agony. I hate hurting with a passion and I would do anything to avoid it. So I would definitely not be able to cause myself any harm, let alone cutting myself. I would never be able to forgive myself. I am way too scared of pain, Same with suicidal thoughts. Yes, on a very bad day I would wish that I were dead so that I do not have to go through all this pain bla bla bla. But never have I really thought of ending my life. And this is something I couldn’t do. No matter how bad it gets, I think. I love life. I know this is very contradicting… to love life when I am stuck with this crappy self. But I honestly love life and I just want to be happy.

 Emptiness

This is extremely hard to explain for me. I had a hard time understanding it myself. But when I did understand it I realised that I am very empty inside. Being always bored and finding it hard to show any interest in anything… is one way of explaining it. I do not enjoy being numb… at all. I want to feel alive. I want to enjoy life. But I feel like there is always something holding me back. I crave life. I absolutely crave it. But yet, somehow, I am stuck in this black hole and I cannot find my way out of it.

 Self-soothing blanket & baby talk

Well I had this piece of cloth when I was a baby and I just never grew out of it. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep without it. I used to throw tantrums every time my mum washes it. I would rub the soft cloth between my fingers, close to my face while my mouth does a certain movement in sync with the cloth rubbing. The soft texture, the smell… I am not sure what it was, but it would give me a sense of comfort and safety. I always had problems sleeping, at one point I was actually afraid of sleeping to the point I would throw up. But the moment I hugged my clothie I could fall asleep. This lasted till I was 18. My boyfriends used to find it cute. But I decided this had to stop as I did not know anyone else that was doing it so it felt wrong. I still do it occasionally from time to time and the more stressed I am the more I end up doing it. I used to think that the reason I wouldn’t let go of this cloth was because I have never used a dummy, but I think there is more to it. One more thing which might not be normal for other people is the constant baby talk which I do only with partners. When I was a kid I used to baby voice with my parents, even when I got older because it felt like I would always get my way when I do so. And now I only do it with partners who eventually end up talking to me in baby voice as well. However, this becomes a bit annoying when I am trying to communicate something very serious and I realize that I just said it in baby voice. Again, I am not sure if this is BPD related but I found out that lots of Borderlines do similar things.

 Fear of abandonment

Well… I believe this is the underlying reason for every single thing I say or do. This was one of the hardest things to discover. It takes a lot of time and effort to find the roots of this. For a very simple reason… I am an only child and I always felt very comfortable by myself. Even when I meet friends… after an hour I already want to go home and be by myself. People drain me. But at the same time I am terrified of getting abandoned. How? I am scared of being alone but at the same time I know I would be fine by myself. This confuses me a lot. I think I will only get to the bottom of this, if at any point I decide to go for therapy.

 There is so much more to say but I have said so much already. I will post from time to time and update you if I notice other things.

 Meanwhile, I’d like to say one more thing. Some like to think of us as manipulative revengeful assholes, others think of us as wounded creatures. But that’s not really it. We are DIFFERENT. Use that difference to make something different. Be innovative. Don’t let a stupid label mute you. Use your voice. If people can’t understand you, provide them with material and explain it to them. You will come across a few people that are patient and willing to understand. Give them a chance. The ones that refuse to understand you, let them go, it is their loss. Unlike what they say, we are very kind, caring and loving people and all we want is to be loved. If they are not willing to love us the way we need to be loved, it will cause us a lot of distress. And life is too short.

 Steffy

 

 

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