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BPD Brain Cancer


fabbychic

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According to the NHS website its a Mental Illness, sorry but I think its a brain cancer that can't be treated.

You think totally different to any one else all the life decisions you make are born of need which is how your  brain works, you have no choice.  

Diagnosed at 48 didn't see or couldn't until 3 years later after I started  coke addiction which actually gave me sight.

Lived my whole life mental decisions things i did life i lived because of how my brain worked totally mental, moving kids 100 miles away from home for man knew 3 months didn't even ask them, told myself for ten years was for them I'm a brilliant mum, no it wasn't for them, i believed all this totally.  Then realising i abused my kids by texts for six months blaming them for my shit life emotional blackmail because if they respond they care.

Every person ever in my life i let shit on me abuse me no boundaries and have them back again out of need, your brain lies to you, you have no choice its not treatable you can't take pills for it.

I now have ptsd i can't have any friends or partners because i can't trust my brain to latch on and lose another five years. I spent 5 years in a relationship that was horrendous for both of us because of need because i have no choice. I can't ever have anyone in my life.

The mood swings the car needs fixing my mood is high and low high and low the dogs ill, I'm thinking of getting him put down.  This illness you can't ever control, all you can do is hide.

I can't take pills for it, i can't get therapy.  At least I see what i need to do now, at least i see why one of my kids hates me.  I have no good memories because i had no choice how is that faire. 

I don't want to think about it anymore i just want to lead my life then someone calls me crazy, when i die i will be remembered for being the idiot no one will say poor her she had no choice

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I think brain cancer is abit harsh on yourself and coke isnt going to solve it long term. Why cant you get therapy? 

I feel for you as i can relate to something you said but it sounds like you have alot of insight into your mistakes and problems but it sounds to me your more bothered by the guilt and pain of it. Am i right or wrong?

Focus on what your problem is right now and work backwards from there. I dont think it helps the other way round.

Peace x

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I often refer to bpd as a disability more than an illness

as like you - fabbychic - I realise that HOW I think/behave is the reason behind lots of things

and even if I do have periods of greater stability, less depression/anxiety, better eating etc

I still have the fundamental thinking/emotional intensity, that has plagued my whole life

and I wasnt' dx until 44 so also had no idea at all that my life was being 'steered' by something wrong within me even though

I had always felt 'wrong'

 

as the Nicola- Marie has suggested, it is probably useful to look at what can be done now - as I know very very well that our past mistakes

can cut too deeply into our minds as we continue to punish ourselves for what 'should' or 'should not' have been

take good care of yourself

xx

 

 

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