Back after 7 years

[fabbychic]

Hey 

I had a nervous breakdown 2010 and found this place after the BPD diagnosis, I was even a mod for a while, but I got better and moved on.

Haven't had depression since, the BPD though is causing me problems and its real hard as its made me a coke addict but its only once now and again but it makes me go backwards and its not helping, its like I've lost me as I'm too scared of people so don't talk or interact.  I have ptsd because of the fact that bpd meant i took shit for years that others wouldn't married someone who beat me bad, let someone trash my house for three years and abuse me and was psychotic for 12 hours at a time and i still went back out of need which is bpd. So I cant trust myself to be around anyone because i have no control.  I don't want to live alone but want a companion its all i can give.  Im 53 I've suffered enough god laughs at us sadist we make all the wrong decisions we have no control, we can't ever change, all we can do is have no one.  Yet our emotions mean we get ridiculous over car repairs of the dog being sick, people think we are hyper or mental, we are up and down all the time.  Any thing that affects our emotions we cannot control.. I don't want to just work and sleep.  

 

I lived for 34 years ruining my kids lives, destroying mine.  Im 53 i will never be able to have anyone because i can't stop it, i can't see it until its too late then the need means its too hard to get out.  I realised i only ever had sex to make them come back enticed them then when they were hooked didn't like them anymore but stayed for years anyway, when normal people would move on.

 

My mum done this to me i begged god to let me die at 13 he didn't then he let me have this shit life and have nothing because he is a sadist then to make it hurt it lets me ask my kids for help and they say no, all that keeping alive for the kids was for nothing.  I have no family, kids gone, just a dog. A friend just finished as i gave my all and he saw me as a casual friend i saw us as bestie and gave my life up to be there for him. my brain again lying. so now i have a job and a dog, and a coke habit. which makes me think this stuff and try to sort it out, when I'm not on it i don't even think about it, but i only talk to the outside world when on it, like the old me.  I just want a life, I'm fat , lost interest in me. don't really eat. just want a friend who won't make me ill. someone who will give and not take someone who is genuine. there is someone just one. do i go for it just friends. companion. thats all. he has been here for two years always on phone lending memory never said no never asked for anything. its either that or when my son leaves die