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I tried to end my life and now I'm numb (long post)


Possum

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I'm sure there's probably several members on here who've seriously considered, planned or attempted it at some stage so I am hoping maybe someone will know what I am feeling?
I don't want to trigger anyone or give anyone bad ideas so I won't say what I did. If anyone wants to talk privately about anything I say, please message.
~Please don't read this post if you are feeling very fragile and it might bring up stuff for you~

 

 

A bit of background info - (for older members I used to be Bigmouth Strikes Again)

So last year ended with me getting engaged and I couldn't have been happier, it seemed like for the first time in my life I was a somebody and I had a future. But by February cracks were beginning to appear in the relationship again. I tried to explain the issues causing me to split on him, he said he understood and would avoid doing those things - however it continued. And after many nights throughout February and March panicking and crying myself to sleep because he was out all night, I finally said I can't carry on with the relationship. It was a couple of days before my birthday and we'd made plans to go away, so I said he's still my best friend and I still want to spend time together so we went away. He was sick and passed a chest infection to me on my birthday, I got pneumonia (and have been ill 11 weeks with non stop infections because my immune system was so badly battered).

Things were difficult but we started to get back on track. By the start of May I got another serious chest infection and he left me completely alone battling it while he went away with mates drinking for several days, he didn't even contact me! This was the point I sunk into severe suicidal depression but to stop myself doing anything about it, I got two baby rats to distract me. We had a few okay days after he returned until he said he's going away for 6 days for a festival at which point I blew up!

I'd been ditched and left home alone crying so many many nights while he was out having a laugh and I'd been so ill. There was no way on earth I was going to sit at home crying for 6 days while he was drunk and stoned and not talking to me. So I said it's me and our relationship or the festival and he said fine then. He was choosing the festival. He then admitted he'd been lying to me for months and my whole world collapsed. I'd suspected it but I just couldn't believe he'd willingly, knowingly lie to me over and over for months. So that was it, my future disappeared, the wedding, the new home together, the whole new life we were supposed to be working towards thrown away.

I spent the rest of the week planning everything; rescues for rehousing my animals, funeral costs etc. At the start of the week I was highly emotional and heart broken, by Thursday a sense of calmness came over me and I was ready for it. I left home on Friday and went to a hotel, ready to end my life in the morning. My partner messaged pleading me to tell him where I was but I was paranoid about him calling the police so I told him if he went to the train station, I'd tell him which train to board but the last train Friday night was leaving soon so he had to leave but he wasted 15 minutes arguing with me and didn't even try to get to the train station - I gave him one last chance to act, to do anything to show that I mattered and he didn't bother. I'd never felt more alone or worthless.

I got up at 4.30am and left to end my life. I wasn't able to due to a couple of things beyond my control. I sat for several hours crying, it was nearly 8am now and I knew I'd have to wait until sunset before I could try again. I eventually told my partner where I was and said I'm not going home, I booked hotel in another town and I spent the night sobbing uncontrollably telling him out much I regretted not doing it. The next day we returned home and he took me to a local mental health place where I was assessed by a nurse who referred me to a crisis team at the local mental hospital. I have been attending psychology group therapy daily for two weeks, I was seen by a psychiatrist who prescribed Risperidone (took it once and fainted 3 times so haven't taken it again).

It's been two weeks today since I tried and I still wish I'd done it. Last night I was awake all night, lying in bed thinking about trying again. I've asked about being an inpatient but they are extremely reluctant to admit me. I've never felt this bad in my life. I'm still swinging between anger, irritability, rage, numbness and sadness daily but there's no joy, no hope. My relationship still feels like its crumbling and I cannot see any future for me at all. Despite seeing a nurse every 2 - 3 days and having group therapy Mon - Fri I don't feel like there's been any improvement. I know its early days but I am full of regret for not doing it and struggling every day. I'm actually so sad it physically hurts my chest and my head, I feel like there's a heavy weight on my chest and the pressure in my head builds and builds until I have such a headache.

Anyone been through a similar experience? I'm being told constantly it gets better or I should feel this or be happy about that and it's so invalidating.

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