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Oldspice

I can’t love anything

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Oldspice

Hi. I have a problem. 

Every time I fall in love with someone or something I get this feeling of insufferable dread that’s just so terrible I don’t want to even think about it. I get into something and my mind tells me things like “don’t bother, you’ll stop being interested anyway. It won’t last long.” Or if I like someone my mind says “don’t bother, it won’t go anywhere.” This is embarassing, but I like kpop. Even though I like it, my mind practically bullies me out of liking it. “Don’t watch the music video. If you do you’ll get sick of it faster and you’ll have nothing. Don’t say you like any of the idols because you’ll just fall out of love.” And I hate it because it’s always true. Then if there is something about the community I don’t care for, like the kpop drama shows, my mind says, “well why don’t you like them? Obviously you don’t truly love this thing if you don’t have any motivation to partake like everyone else.” (Even though I know that some parts of he community aren’t for everyone and there’s nothing wrong with not being interested with every part of it. But my brain isn’t quite convinced.) The feeling of dread returns every time something like that appears in my mind and leaves when I finally decide that liking something isn’t worth being scared of losing it 24/7. I hate liking things because my mind counts down to me the time I have left before I won’t be interested anymore. I think that everythig would be easier if I just wasn’t interested in anything. And so I have nothing left and everything is boring to me. I want to be asleep. I don’t want to hear things like “don’t be scared of losing things, just enjoy having them and go with the flow.” You don’t understand... I can’t... it’s like every time I try to love something I’m bullied out of it. And then the second I start to feel even a LITTLE BIT less excited about something my mind tells me it’s over and I shouldn’t try to cling to something that’s declining. If I try something new it doesn’t last. I wanted to learn a new language and as soon as I thought that, my mind barraged me with, “no, it’s useless. You’ll stop being interested in kpop by the time you learn the language. You won’t use it. Learning the new language will make your interest run out faster. Don’t.” And Nothing lasts. I wish I could just be free and enjoy things the way everyone else does. I want to feel comfort in knowing there’s something wrong with me so I don’t have to feel like I’m normal and that this is just the way it will be. 

I’m free if the feeling of losing something because I’ve thrown everything away. I’m bored of being alive and unmotivated. Ive never been diagnosed with anything because I’ve never been to a therapist. I keep thinking that I’d be wasting their time. Which is why I feel a sort of comfort in the dread; it makes me think that there really is something wrong with me to be feeling this terrible, so maybe I can go up from here. As I write this post, the feeling is there telling me not to post it. Don’t bother. It’ll be useless.

...Please help.

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CloudyDay

Maybe you'll never see this, it's a month old and god knows if you even care anymore, but I've been there.

Well, am there. depends on the day, or even the hour sometimes.

The problem with it all is that the "just go with the flow" advice is the only thing that really, truly works. But unless you have enough spare brain cycles to actually push through it doesn't do any good. I often find myself so caught up in worrying about everything that I can't do what needs to be done to take care of myself.

 

My advice is to go feel something.

It doesn't matter what, whether it's happy, sad, angry, something in between or something entirely different. Just feel the emotions you've been suppressing every time you have one of these thoughts. Go somewhere private, your car if you have one, and feel loudly. Cry, hit something, scream in excitement. Never been able to pull off the last part, personally, but it's probably the most fun option if you can do it :) 

Don't just think about it, actually do it. Loudly. Let it consume your entire being, it's ok, you'll come back.

You'll feel a thought in the back of your mind that you -shouldn't- be feeling anything. That you don't really have any reason to be sad/angry/happy at the current moment. It's hard to ignore, because it's technically true - but the real truth is that you don't need a "real" reason to feel anything. Emotions are great! Not having them (or, sometimes, not letting yourself have them) is why depression sucks so much.

 

If you can't spontaneously feel something (It does take a bit of practice), you can get into an argument over something you care about. Have a fight with a friend. Go onto a forum and feed the trolls. Let yourself be passionate about something, even if it's just for a moment, even if it's stupid (protip: everything is stupid if you think about it long enough). Life's all about the feelings. Good ones, bad ones, everything in between. 

Edited by CloudyDay

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