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Katara

I'm sure I have mental disorde but don't now what it is

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Katara

Ok, I'm 19 yrs old and I had mental health problems in the past with social anxiety and mild depression but I never went to a shrink or something like that. 

So about a year ago I started having problems with obsessive irrational toughts that are irritating and are giving me problems in everyday functioning and even making me depressed. I first touhgt that it was existentional crisis, than anxiety, lately I was sure that it is mild schizoprenia or something similiar but now I have no idea. Nothing utterly fits the simptoms. I'm constantly tense and can't stop having these toughts even when I go out, they keep bothering me and giving me bad time . 

I've been having two types of these irrational toughts and ideas. Ones that showed first where dominant about 5 months and than they were raplaced by different ones lasting about 2 months. Then I had period when I was relativly good and toughts were rare but then the first ones came back and thay are now more intense and even scarier.

I was thinking about describing these toughts but it's too complicated. It would take too long and it is even hard to explain it to someone in person. I'm just going to try to explain what they are about. 

First toughts are about how life is apsurd. Not like in "we are all gone die" way but more about overanalizing all activities that we do in life to the point were nothing makes any sense anymore. It makes me feel like 5 year old child who can't figure out something, only that I can't find meaning in anything anymore, even things like having coffe with friends seem meaningless to me to the point that it makes me frustrated. This led to me losing passion about every activity possible and now I feel like a corpse with no soul that can't enjoy anything in life. Second toughts where about morality. I've been having constant ideas that only right way to live life is totaly conservative, not doing anything for fun as it would seem to me as a weakness or something like that. I felt like I don't deserve to be happy and that it is only right to suffer, doing anything to make myself happy seemed like not being pure and similiar ridiculous shit. These ideas even made me scared that I'm going to be punished when I die. What is crazy is that I don't even believe in god. 

And the most crazy thing is that all this sometimes goes away and it is seems funny to me that I was ever thinking about all that shit, but then it comes back same as before. 

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