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Robin Grey

26 never had a girlfriend, no friends and no life. Should I just end it? I

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Robin Grey

As the title says, I'm 26 and have never been in a relationship (yes I am also a virgin) and I have no friends that I see or interact with face to face. 

I have chronic depression and sever social anxiety that has progressively gotten worse the older I get.

I have had a couple of dates over the last 3 years off of dating websites and I was strung along for a year and a half by a girl who used me as an ego boost because I'm "nice". 

I moved a lot as a child and as a teenager so I lost a lot of friends through that and now I don't know how to make friends anymore. I try to think of clubs etc but I've lost interest in everything and the fear of seeing couples together makes me shake. 

If I see people in a relationship in can make me throw up. Not because it disgusts me but through pure sadness and dread that I'll never have that. 

I've tried to kill myself before, I just stood on the edge of a bridge and tried to let go. I was there for hours but I couldn't do it through cowerdice which I had myself for. 

My therapist has now abandoned me saying she can't do anything for me anymore. 

I'm so lost and I desperately want to die but I know I can't. I just feel trapped. 

To never know what it's like to be held knowing that person cares for you as much as you do for them I feel isn't a life worth living. 

If I'm like this at 30 I will force myself to die. I don't care how I have no plan. Probably just drink myself to death tbh. 

If you can see a way out please share because I have run out of energy to keep trying. 

 

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successful_workthru

Hello please don't dispair there is hope.

Have you thought of the possibility that you might have apserger's as a lot of your symptoms sound like you may have asperger's.

Can you google aspergers, as there are other symptoms that may resonate with you.

IF you think you do have asperger's you can go to your GP for a test.

Asperger's isn't a curse, in fact it  can be a gift, you can discover gifts and talents you may have. Many gifted people who are famous have aspergers.

You can also join groups for people with asperger's and make friends that way.

An asperger's diagnosis in adulthood gives a lot of relief to people, as they finally find out that they do not have faulty personalities and that it is a neurodevelopmental condition, ie a brain thing rather than a mind thing.

I strongly urge to you google asperger's and look up the symptoms and see what you find, as you may be pleaantly suprised and it would be a shame to kill yourself if you had so many undiscovered gifts, talents and good things in life you missed out on through suicide.

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Robin Grey

I've been diagnosed with high functioning aspergers. Unfortunately I don't have any of the useful parts. Just the bit that makes me a loser. 

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successful_workthru
1 minute ago, Robin Grey said:

I've been diagnosed with high functioning aspergers. Unfortunately I don't have any of the useful parts. Just the bit that makes me a loser. 

Nooo that's not true, that is your low self esteem speaking. Asperger's is a blessing. Many people in silicone valley have asperger's, you just haven't found your talents yet. To find them, ask yourself what you enjoy doing the most? Do what you love, meet like minded people. 'Follow your bliss' as Joseph Campbell used to say, there is still time. What do you enjoy doing? Do you like creative activities, maths, mechanics, etc etc etc

Asperger's people are highly spiritual, they have been blessed with a gift. Have you been onto wrongplanet.net or any of the other autism forums, there you will meet like minded people who you can engage with. Do you like animals? Think of all the things in life that you like. 

Please do not waste your life by ending it.

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Robin Grey

I pretty much just play games now and I'm not that great at them either. I'm average at best at maths and am not artistic in the least. The only sport I was ever good at was golf which I turned pro at then got screwed over in that so I can't do that as a career. 

Because of my anxiety I don't use any social media in case I see relationship stuff and my depression spirals out of control. Last group I went to first thing they said was having someone to care about helps you more than anything. I don't have that and never will so I left. 

 

I've been dealing with all this for 7 years now. 

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successful_workthru
1 minute ago, Robin Grey said:

I pretty much just play games now and I'm not that great at them either. I'm average at best at maths and am not artistic in the least. The only sport I was ever good at was golf which I turned pro at then got screwed over in that so I can't do that as a career. 

Because of my anxiety I don't use any social media in case I see relationship stuff and my depression spirals out of control. Last group I went to first thing they said was having someone to care about helps you more than anything. I don't have that and never will so I left. 

 

What was your favourite subjects at school?

What did you enjoy doing as a child?

Computer games just empty the mind and bring you down even more.

Haaving someone to care about could mean having a pet? You can only attract love to you if love shines out of you and the only way that can happen if you learn to love yourself and embrace your asperger's.

Asperger's people in pre-hostory were shamans, because they had special perceptive spritual gifts. Many many aspergers people say they wouldnt swap who they are for the world. Its neurotypical people who don't understand, not asperger's people. You do have a special gift, it''s just discovering it and cultivating it.

Alot of young aspergers people lose sight of themselves when young because they try not to be 'different' but as they get older they realise their diffferences are special. I promise. 

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Robin Grey

I was bullied at school so I hated every part. I felt stupid and alone. 

I didn't go to college or high school if US. 

Not all people with aspergers are talented. I'm one of those. I would give anything to be someone else as long as it didn't mean they'd have to be me because I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

I'm not special. I couldn't be more average if I tried which is why I'm not noticed by anyone. Especially women. 

How can you love something you don't have. I can't love nothing. 

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successful_workthru
1 minute ago, Robin Grey said:

I was bullied at school so I hated every part. I felt stupid and alone. 

I didn't go to college or high school if US. 

Not all people with aspergers are talented. I'm one of those. I would give anything to be someone else as long as it didn't mean they'd have to be me because I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

I'm not special. I couldn't be more average if I tried which is why I'm not noticed by anyone. Especially women. 

No disrespect or offence to you but I think you have got so hung up on meeting a woman that you have lost sight of yourself.

Most asperger's people were bullied at school because of their diifference and unfortunately this blocked thier ability to see thier talents and gifts.

Artistry isnt about talent its about practice.

You didnt enjoy school because of the bullying, try to imagine, if there were no bullies, just subjects, what lessons in school would you have enjoyed the most?

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Robin Grey

When everyone you know is getting married and my sister that's 4 years younger than you has been in a 4 year relationship and is moving in with them. Where I'm a 26 y/o virgin that doesn't even know a woman my age. Yeah I think I have a right to be a bit "hung up" on it. 

I used to like making things but as I've been trying to find building and engineering work I'm too stupid for it. So it doesn't matter if I enjoyed it. I'm not good enough which is effectively the story of my life. 

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3 minutes ago, Robin Grey said:

When everyone you know is getting married and my sister that's 4 years younger than you has been in a 4 year relationship and is moving in with them. Where I'm a 26 y/o virgin that doesn't even know a woman my age. Yeah I think I have a right to be a bit "hung up" on it. 

I used to like making things but as I've been trying to find building and engineering work I'm too stupid for it. So it doesn't matter if I enjoyed it. I'm not good enough which is effectively the story of my life. 

You used to like making things, what things?

You enjoy building and engineering work, why not study this more, it's your current self hatred that is tellling you that you are stupid, this is lying to you, you must not believe it. Everyone has something to offer the world.

You ARE good enough but you need to believe it yourself.

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Robin Grey

I've been to college to study it but I wasn't clever enough. It's really not me saying it. That shows in my grades. 

Making anything. I used to like cooking but I can't work in a kitchen because of the stress, plus I was getting fat. 

I'm not just saying bad stuff about myself without any evidence. I know how much of a loser I am because everything I try at, I fail. Every time. 

I can't see a future. I could get a job as a bin man or something. Get a flat somewhere and wait until my depression just overwhelms me and I top myself. 

Nobody would even know. 

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successful_workthru

Do you think that your low self esteem and loneliness interfered with your studies, resulting in lack of interest as wanting acceptance took over resulting in low grades?

Cooking, there is another talent/interest. You can discipline yourself not to eat too much. We tend to indulge in bad habits when we are unhappy with ourselves. What about cooking in a less stressful environment, cooking on your own for people, there are jobs out there for lone cooks.

You fail because you 'know' you are going to fail, so you attract failure, I am not having a go at you, the only evidence there is is that people with low self esteem fail and fail to make frieinds because they have low opinions of themselves, and hence, cannot give their activities thier full attention and they also fail because they are hung up on no one liking them. i know becausee it happened to me. Please dont be like me and discover your special gifts at 50, you are still young enough and there are plenty happy virgins out there who are older. 

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Robin Grey

I'm not good enough to cook professionally. I don't have a special gift. Some people are just nobody's. 

The evidence is the grades I have the things people have said to me. I walked up to a girl in a bar a while ago and said hi. She turned and said "ergh no thanks".  

I cook at home sometimes and that's it. 

Anxiety interfered. I had to go to the toilet to through up from dealing with a load of hormonal teenagers snogging everywhere you looked. 

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successful_workthru
1 hour ago, Robin Grey said:

I'm not good enough to cook professionally. I don't have a special gift. Some people are just nobody's. 

The evidence is the grades I have the things people have said to me. I walked up to a girl in a bar a while ago and said hi. She turned and said "ergh no thanks".  

I cook at home sometimes and that's it. 

Anxiety interfered. I had to go to the toilet to through up from dealing with a load of hormonal teenagers snogging everywhere you looked. 

That girl who said ergh no, its her problem not yours, you wouldnt really want someone like that would you.

It does sound as if self hatred induced anxiety is a problem for you.

I really wish you could read up on just how special asperger's is. 

Did you know that bill gates has it, and probably steve jobs too.

It's really surprising how anxiety can blunt high intelligence.

I can sense that you are really intelligent, but you put yourself down too much, you DO have a lot to offer, so your a virgin, save yourself for the right person no matter how late in life.

Sex is supposed to be about love but to attract love you have to radiate it out and the only way you can do that is to radiate love yourself.

Please google aspergers and see how special  it is, you just havent discovered your hidden latent talents yet. I promise, it is not too late for you.

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Robin Grey

I've done my research as well as seeing specialist therapists that deal with people on the autism spectrum. I don't have autism bad enough that it can hand off any significant traits. I am better at some things than others but not enough that I can do something with it. 

21st century sex is about sex. Not my personal view but that's the way it is. More casual sex now than in any point in our history.

It's about looks and sex appeal and I have neither. 

 

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successful_workthru
1 minute ago, Robin Grey said:

I've done my research as well as seeing specialist therapists that deal with people on the autism spectrum. I don't have autism bad enough that it can hand off any significant traits. I am better at some things than others but not enough that I can do something with it. 

21st century sex is about sex. Not my personal view but that's the way it is. More casual sex now than in any point in our history.

It's about looks and sex appeal and I have neither. 

 

I have a couple of authors to recommend to you. Joseph Campbell and Paramahansa Yogananda, they have books that i think you will get a lot out of.

The earth has been in exiistence for aeons, 21st century is but a tiny speck, a blip, its not the way nature intended the world to be, including human nature.

You're on the spectrum, no matter how mild, some on the far end of the autism spectrum cannot function at all. A lot of people with asperger's like cats, in fact there is even a book with a title like "all cats have asperger's" or something like that, if you have a google you will find it.

Honestley there is a treasure chest inside of you waiting to be discovered but its wrappped up in a thick gooey layer of self hatred.

I don't know who has put those negative thoughts in your head but you are special, and i am not just saying that as an  internet random, I couldnt be bothered with saying false platitudes.

I urge you to read or even buy the audiobooks by those two authors, they are full of ancient wisdom which i had wished I had read when i was much younger.

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successful_workthru
Just now, Robin Grey said:

I'll try. Thanks

It'll be worth it.

You have a spiritual gift. I'm not religious by the way, this is ancient wisdom. Joseph campbell is a well known mythologist scholar, well he was hes dead now, and yogananda was an ascended master yogi. Joseph campbell has inspired many a person, he says you must find your bliss and follow it otherwise life will be dysfunction at best, diasaster at worst, even if you have to start those exams again, if that's your bliss follow it, if its not, find it and forget about women and sex, those things will come when the time is right. Joseph campbell even advises on finding a spouse but the important work starts with you first, you must find your own bliss, what YOU enjoy, and the rest will follow. I promise.

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Robin Grey

I tried reading some stuff but I'm really not spiritual in the least. I got rejected again today and I'm in the process of looking up escorts so I can just lose my virginity then top myself. I have nothing to offer this world to I may as well give an escort 150 quid for 5 mins work and end it. 

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successful_workthru
3 hours ago, Robin Grey said:

I tried reading some stuff but I'm really not spiritual in the least. I got rejected again today and I'm in the process of looking up escorts so I can just lose my virginity then top myself. I have nothing to offer this world to I may as well give an escort 150 quid for 5 mins work and end it. 

Nooooooooooooo

You don't have to be religious to be spiritual.

Nature if life, life is spiritual. Aethists can be spiritual.

Please don't top yourself.

For most of the earth's aeons of existence, people have believed in reincarnation, the meaning of life is to spiritually evolve.

Suicide is the worst thing you can do. You only kill your physical body, your conscious awareness stays, you could end up stuck, if you kill yourself you will regret it bitterly. I am not religious in the least. I felt suicidal and even planned it but am still here because I don't want to reincarnate into a worse life. Life is about lessons. Your lesson is to learn to love yourself. Make those things, do things you enjoy with people who enjoy the same things, no matter what they are. Sex alone is not love. Real sexuality is about love and should be reserved for someone who loves you.

If you keep seeking sex you will constantly be dissappointed as people can sense you do not like yourself.

Please look at the good things in your life no matter how small they may seem. When we hate ourselves, our vision is disorted and we cannot see what we have to offer the world.

Save yourself for someone special.

People reject you because you reject yourself.

Please join with other aspies online, there are many people who are virgins or lost their virginity late. These online aspie friends can become your kindred spirits.

I used to hate myself and never realised what i had to offer, but i have an artistic talent that i discovered really late in life. 

PLease please do not kill yourself, and please make the most of what you have to offer. You are in your twenties, dont leave it until you are in your fifties. Losing your virginity is not important as loving yourself and letting nature take its course, ie, attracting a mate by loving yourself first.

 

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Robin Grey

I don't believe in all that stuff. If I kill myself there is no regret, just nothing. Weird I've had friends that hate themselves too. They've self harmed etc and they'll go to a bar and pick up a girl. You know why? Cos they are attractive, that is all that matters. 

I've tried groups but everyone I've met has aspergers worse than me and see things very differently. 

I don't have it in that way. 

Save it for someone special...I'd just die a virgin in my 80s, no thanks. I'd rather die now. 

 

I'm not looking for just sex. Or rather I wasn't. I was looking for love but I got used because I was nice too ego boost them until they found someone better then they ditched me. I don't really trust women anymore as all they've done is hurt me. 

 

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successful_workthru
4 minutes ago, Robin Grey said:

I don't believe in all that stuff. If I kill myself there is no regret, just nothing. Weird I've had friends that hate themselves too. They've self harmed etc and they'll go to a bar and pick up a girl. You know why? Cos they are attractive, that is all that matters. 

I've tried groups but everyone I've met has aspergers worse than me and see things very differently. 

I don't have it in that way. 

Save it for someone special...I'd just die a virgin in my 80s, no thanks. I'd rather die now. 

 

Whether or not you believe it it's true, it's been that way since time immemorial.

Physical attractiveness is only skin deep.

You are looking at life through black glasses and seeing everything as really negative at the moment.

I have to go to bed now but have you tried the online asperger's groups.

I'm undiagnosed aspergers and i know its much easier to communicate in writing than it is face to face.

I would give anything to be in your postition. I'm ini my fifities and its through self hate that i got into drugs and messed up my life.

I bought a flat to commit suicide in but its unsellable, I never did commit suicide. I daren't in case i reincarnate into a worse life.

Have you read the book autobiography of a yogi?

Something's taken away your self esteem, please appreciate the good things about yourself, everyone has them.

 

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Robin Grey

I don't want to get into a belief debate. I couldn't buy a flat because I have no money and will never. My position is not the problem. I am the problem. I will not make it to my fifties. I already set a plan to kill myself at 30 but I just keep getting hit by more crap. 

I couldn't even get into drugs cos I have no idea how to get hold of them plus I couldn't afford them. 

I wish I could go to bed but I haven't slept in nearly a week. 

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successful_workthru
14 hours ago, Robin Grey said:

I don't want to get into a belief debate. I couldn't buy a flat because I have no money and will never. My position is not the problem. I am the problem. I will not make it to my fifties. I already set a plan to kill myself at 30 but I just keep getting hit by more crap. 

I couldn't even get into drugs cos I have no idea how to get hold of them plus I couldn't afford them. 

I wish I could go to bed but I haven't slept in nearly a week. 

If you havent slept in nearly a week, that is not helping your depression in any way, as lack of sleep can play havoc with the mind.

Suicide is the worst thing you can do. You will just be left without a body.

Drugs are very unwise and will lead to trouble.

There is no reliable way to kill yourself and you will likely just badly disable and injure yourself leaving you in an even worse position.

I know because i researched suicide methods.

Please, please, while you are still young enough realise that losing  your virginity is not important, there are plenty happy virgins older than you in thier 30s and 40's and beyond.

I  cannot emphasise enough, your self hatred shows up to other people which is why they keep rejecting you. 

 

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Robin Grey

I didn't always hate myself. I was driven to it because of the things that have happened to me because of who I am. All the rejections be it either work or relationships. I came to understand that I am nobody and deserve what I get. I don't care about my virginity if I had someone that cared about me. I wanted to be with an asexual for a long time until she strung me along then told me she had a boyfriend.

I don't believe in a soul or spirit. That is just what your brain does and when that dies so does the rest of you. No afterlife no reincarnation, just nothing. 

I wish I had died two years ago then I wouldn't have had to live  these last couple of years. Things only get worse. They'll never get better because people will always see me as nothing. 

You can't say I've got so much to live for. You don't know me, how much of a nobody I am or what I look like. 

If I take my life. Nobody will care. Nobody will remember me. I think that may be for the best. 

 

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