Bpd the discovery

[fabbychic]

Bpd.... living with an illness that was caused by failed parenting, not only do you have your parents letting you down they cause you to have an illness that makes you different makes you make all the wrong choices. Makes you a manipulator, emotionally abusive.

Gettingnto an age where you have insight and see that the person you are is making choices living a life that’s totally insane. No one will ever get that you don’t get for and against or good and bad you only get one side when you have a choice when you make a decision. Black and white sounds like you get two sides you don’t, it’s not an option. 

There is no cure you can do dbt which gives you the tools to think before you react, what it can’t do is change the way you think the fact you make choices born of a mind that needs feeding attention.

I have just spent five years in the worst relationship of my life. I have flashbacks and ptsd. My head made me stay because one day it would change. Then one  ifht I saw that what I believed wasn’t true he had never said he felt the same I’d wasted all that time and lost myself. 

I can’t ever be around people again for my head to do that, I don’t want to be controlled not have the facts it made me feel so bad I gave up living I just exist. My life will only ever be work and home alone.

I’ve had people use me, abuse me when I’ve helped them been a friend.

bpd is the only mental illness that only has external triggers that means an emotional event - people. You get the rest because it kills you emotionally makes you anxious depressed. If you remove people you stay stable. 

I’m gutted that I was a child my parents destroyed me I got this and I’ve done nothing wrong. 

I lived my life having opinions doing stuff that’s alone to normal people. After diagnosis I blamed my kids for stuff sent them shit for two years I never for one minute thought I was wrong. Some never see what they do is bad, that we are taking stuff normal people would walk away from, that we constantly test. I messaged my son for years asking if he would help if I was homeless. Bpd you never love love does when you get treated bad or aren’t happy. Need survives.

at 17 I done things I didn’t want to do he wouldn’t leave me. I have never said no. I moved over 100 miles left my long term job moved my kids after I knew someone three months. I told everyone done it for them. Married a man didn’t like beat the crap out of me. Then talked to a man on phone for four years lied never questioned it. It cost me my eldesti had a breakdown then after five years thought I’d date man said I sleep with women first I didn’t say no. 

 

Then last person still about he made me realise I can’t yrisy my head that I can’t let my bpd accept abuse. I have never had anyone care. 54 got nothing my kids will see me in a bedsit. They judge me but won’t read up about it.

 

the only way to be with someone is out of something that grows. I spent three years begging a friend for help he never said no I blanked him on good times he lent me money he is the only person I have known that has never wanted anything. I can stay here alone or move to his in a room hivingnip my life. Yet I just can’t be doing it out of need. I’m stronger I won’t take any thing anymore my friends who is killing me bought me stuff then calls me a leach I’m paying him off. I used to wear make up have hobbies this relationship has lost me I don’t cate anymote . I can either die or take a chance on someone who for five years has given never once taken he has been used but is still there. I have only ever done things for men changed lost weight.

 

ky whole life ruined because my parents didn’t give me unconditional love that’s what causes bpd. That’s what we need.

I’m way further on than most will ever get some will never see.

bpd doesn’t cause voices or noises. I don’t see any mental health peeps. I take antidepressants. I’m stable but I take coke to think and I get bored because I pet someone  abuse me for hours at a time whilst on drugs expect me to do stuff he won’t do. I’m sick of.  Not being able to say no of being scared. I won’t ever be normal I hate that and my kids will always judge me. 

 

Mouth heads work totally different we are arseholes, abusive, manipulative. We blame everyone. A lot still take shit Fromm their parents they caused this we are victims.  I hate spending can’t control. It. I say stuff then think shiy was that ok. We don’t think like normal people we can’t listen to someone’s vies.

 

i am passive aggressive. I am terrible if I have been underpaid go mad I don’t wait and see.  If I live with someone who does stuff without me moving  I won’t be triggered I can learn to be normal. 

 

Ive never achieved. Stuff and I’m super clever. Don’t have anyone to say well done.

 

im angry that my parents have had happy lives I’m angry that they donenahat they did and lost me my future. When I die my kids won’t say she was sick.  I stayed with their dad ten years was a one night stand didn’t say no thanks. Abused me cheated never worked. Ten years. I’m 65 I’ve got no happy stuff. People think I’m strong.  If I stay here I die because I’m not existing if I move I live in someone else’s place. Im scared because I can’t be in a place where I have to do stuff to be safe.  I think I have to go with money and s iob. It’s 18 months away. I just existing. Because. I’m finally dying l I got into coke because he done it. Then when realised  my head fuked me I couldn’t cope. I need to try to live. 

If I stay I be alone. I think the man has done enough but I worry. What’s my choice. I will go if I can’t do it I can die.

 

i paidnin bef At thirteen cutting begging god to let me die. He didn’t I knew then there is no god. In the next room was my mum and young boyfriend having sex. My dad left me three. They done it all in front of me. My dad came back said all my fault. I was a child no one said sorry I tried for years to die.  Then god gave me this sorry but that’s the devil.  I’ve got nothing yet my parents had lives. Parents protect save. My dad left me. I’d watch tv and they would be snogging. How is it possible for a mum to do that. I see uernfornyeara out ofnsitu shenjever said sorry. I saitnin a chair cowering whilst my dad shouted it’s uout fault.  I was in top classes bright. Had plans to be an accountant. I can’t change but I can not pet my head trick me.

i take shit from my kids never say or defend myself. It’s fear of rejection. I had the man I moved here for contact me I told him no thanks I’ve never said no.

ive never had sex out of love. I’ve done five years again. I lived alone five years before happy hobbies.    I need someone to balance me to stop me. I want to write about bpd because it’s caused by one thing.. it doesn’t cause depression or other stuff.  We aren’t nice people. Our minds all work the same as it’s mapped the way it is as we didn’t get emotional security.  We never love . We always think we are right. We never ate in anything. 

 

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