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HollyR

My BPD - (new to this page)

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HollyR

Hi!

 

My name is Holly and I am a new member on this website. I wanted to put something somewhere about my condition where I felt comfortable and like I'm not being judged, so I thought a forum like this would do the trick. I know I shouldn't be ashamed, but I don't like lots of people I know, knowing what I've got, just because I know what some people can be like when it comes to discussing Mental Health. Insensitive and ignorant. 

It was in July of 2018 when everything came to a halt in my life, I tried to end my life via an overdose, things had gotten to a point where I felt that suicide was the only answer. I was then hospitalised and spent a week overall in general hospital, and in the Mental Health Unit. The whole experience was just horrendous from start to finish, but it did give me time to think about my future and how I was going to go forward from this. I had officially hit rock bottom, and sometimes you don't always go up, you just stay there, which is where I was for a little while. A team of doctors spoke to me after three days of observing me with other patients and told me I was ready to go home, so off I went with my boyfriend, nobody told me anything about my diagnosis and after a few weeks, I didn't hear anything from the Mental Health Team who said they were going to stay in touch for 6 months. 

A few weeks later I started to think to myself that my original diagnosis of Depression and Anxiety Disorder was a little vague and that there was definitely something more going on. I'd been previously tested for Bipolar, and had been suffering with bad Mental Health since I was 12. All in all I'd suffered with a lot of Mental Health Disorders but didn't know much about Borderline Personality Disorder, so when I did some research on it, I thought that the symptoms sounded a lot like me. Unstable relationships, strong impulsive behaviour, extreme fluctuations in mood and a burning fear that I will be abandoned by anyone who says they love me. I went to my GP because I just wanted to get the ball rolling and get tested, just so I knew if it was anything or nothing. Turns out it was already on my notes from the hospital, no one had told me that I suffered with it in there or the days after I came home. I didn't question it any further, and the doctor sent me on my way, it all felt a bit like I was being dismissed. 

After I came out of hospital my anti-depressants were doubled in dose and since then I've been taking them daily to try and stabilise my emotions. It's just strange though, one minute I'm happy, almost too happy, then I'm down and moody or emotional, then excited, anxious and angry all within a few hours. It's all so extreme, there's never really a grey area, it's just black and white. I've always known that there was something else, I just couldn't quite put my finger on what the problem was. But now I'm seeming a counsellor once a week for DBT, and week by week I'm slowly telling her more and more about my life, and the traumas I've been through to lead to this point.

Sometimes I do feel very unlucky, because as many of you will probably understand, living with bad Mental Health is tiring more than anything, you just spend so much time exhausted and drained from trying to hide your emotions from others because you don't want anyone to worry, and you don't want people to know. You spend a lot of time thinking what if? What if things were just 'normal' whatever that is? It's very confusing and fingers crossed my therapist and make it easier to deal with and if not, cure it completely.

I will be posting more soon about different subjects, but I just wanted to introduce myself really!

 

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