New, Undiagnosed & Trying To Engage With Services

[aberrans]

Hi everyone,

I'm new, and i've struggled my whole life with undiagnosed mental health issues. I've found it difficult to engage with services over the years (GP,  counselling, CBT) with varying degrees of success, and I've been prescribed 20mg citalopram for suspected depression and anxiety for the last 7 years. In that time i've managed to fall through the cracks, so I just order my repeat prescription online and attend a 5 minute medicine review once a year. I struggle daily just to get by, but I'm just about functional enough to hold down a job, and i've worked hard over the years to conceal my problems through a mixture of healthy (self care) and unhealthy (cannabis, isolation) coping mechanisms. I've always been labelled as odd, overly emotional, and dramatic, and been confused about why I struggle in the ways I do. I recently read an article about BPD, and it all just seemed to click.

I have no emotional skin. I feel everything so much more deeply than other people, and can have an out of proportion reaction to even the smallest of things. I struggle with any situation where I am not in control and have rapid and debilitating mood swings, from depression and hopelessness to rage and anger.
I'd never before characterised my relationships as unstable, or thought I had any fear of abandonment (I pride myself on being very independent), but once I really thought about it the evidence said otherwise.
I have absolutely no idea who I am or what I like, and I just tumble from obsession to obsession constantly in both my career path and hobbies.
I have curbed most of my self destructive and impulsive behaviour as i've got older (i'm now in my early 30s) but my past is riddled with bad decisions and behaviours i'm ashamed of, including self harm.
I can 'go off' people periodically, or start to question their motives and integrity.
I experience extreme paranoia, including thinking that other people (even strangers) are watching and judging me.

Recently, as i've been trying to notice my thoughts and behaviours, i've wondered if what i've always thought of as 'spacing out' is actually dissociation. I can find myself staring into nothing and thinking nothing for extended periods of time, multiple times a day. My eyes will completely unfocus (which I thought was a sight issue as I wear glasses) and I find myself simply stuck, or having to physically shake myself out of it if it happens around other people. It can also happen when i'm very upset, like i've experienced so much emotion my mind and body just shut down, unable to cope any longer, and I go completely numb.

I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about BPD, and the more I read the more it seems to fit. I understand the issues with self diagnosis, but i'm also aware of how difficult it can be to get even the most basic mental health support. I have a plan to reengage with my GP to explore my options, but I have no expectations about what they can do for me. I'm also looking into private services, although the costs would be difficult to cover. 

Does anyone identify with my experience, or have any advice? I'm hesitant to jump to conclusions, but in all my life nothing has ever come as close to explaining my struggles as BPD. At the very least it's encouraged me to make my mental health a priority, and that can't be a bad thing.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

[MP!]

I recognise a lot of what you describe in my daughter who has BPD.   Its good  that you are looking  at yourself, trying to make sense of whats going on for you. Also scary I  guess.  Getting  a diagnosis helped my daughter in that she now had "something to explain her behaviour". However, we still struggle with accessing support . In our experience BPD seems to be a bit of a "taboo subject"  and seems less recognised, unlike Bipolar or Anxiety and Depression. 

I  wish you luck,  get as much help as possible, don't battle with this alone.

[MP!]

We are struggling to access the right support for my adult daughter .   My daughter was managing life with BPD until she met her partner.  Growing up, The Drs warned us that she may struggle with relationships because of intense fear of abandonment .  This led to paranoia, possessiveness, over controlling , and repeated episodes of DV  {Her attacking her partner{.  

She is now pregnant , living with BPD and pregnancy hormones , her symptoms have escalated.  She has been arrested for the first time, she has become extremely violent and now social services are involved.   She was managing before the relationship, so I know this is not her, its her illness.  Non-mental health Professionals lack understanding or compassion, especially police.  More awareness is needed.