I think I have BPD

[jelly_neko]

I don't know how to even write this, I am very embarrassed. I was raised by a Narcissist (possibly a psychopath) It wasn't until this year that I finally cut ties with my mother and I am now able to focus on myself. What I am seeing really makes me sad. I have anger issues, constant anxiety and I rely on everyone for my image of myself. I am married and a mother of two boys and I can see that my behavior hurts them. I don't want to be anything like my mother, whose behavior caused me to create a protective self, I do not want to be like that. I need to find a therapist but I live in a tiny town with few options. I am hoping chatting will help me out a little.

 

Thanks everyone!

[daizyBloom]

Hi Jelly_Neko,

I Too am ashamed and embarresed sometimes to say those words.. "I have Borderline Personality Disorder" Like 1st of all No one really even knows what that means. ORRRR They've heard HORROR stories from the past about it and think we are psychotic

I was recently diagnosed with BPD, and once I realized it was true (because I didn't believe I was, lol after my therapist told me I was I went straight home and read what the symptoms or characteristics were .. and SWORE she was WRONG... But, then, I stared to do all kinds of reading and researched it like crazy and the more and more I read, and the deeper I got into my research.. the more I had to force myself to say the words outloud to my therapist the next time I saw her was humiliating and actually kinda comical. lol "YOU are RIGHT" This is Absolutely ME 100%  ... It's like a freaking LIGHT flipped on inside my ENTIRE LIFE!

So many things made so much more sense. and YES, I have Embraced the fact that this is who I am.. but, It doesnt't always make it any easier when things come up in your life, or your day to day interactions with people.. that you'll catch yourself doing something BPD'ish ... or one second you are as happy as a bluebird in a birdbath, and BAMM you SPLIT on someone. ugh.. That is 1 of my Top 3 Things I hate!! 

They say Borderlines have to have 5 out of the 9 catagories to be diagnosed with BPD. I HAVE ALL 9!! You'd think they'ed have a Special Name for us lol (They probably do, and just haven't told us yet haha) Society calls us Crazy or Over dramatic.. and I call myself Queen Split lol ... I've learned since being diagnosed that you just have to put a positive spin on the whole "LABLE" otherwise, you will spend a lifetime (or the rest of your lifetime) beating yourself up over it. And analyze every single crappy thing that went wrong in your life up until this point, and realizing how you SHOULD HAVE handled it differently. 

Thing is, That's the Past! PERIOD... Bottom Line. 

You can't EVER go back in time and change how things happened. But you can choose to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. ALWAYS FORWARD PROGRESS NEVER BACKWARDS. Something someone instilled in my over and over .. but never really SUNK IN until I lost him a year and a half ago to a tragic accident. Then I was forced to rely on ONLY MYSELF to get me through the worst pain imaginable from losing that ONE PERSON .. who actually NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU.

Anyways, I didn't mean for this to get so long.. but, What I am trying to get at is this. I too have kids. 3 of them. I have even lost custody of one of them due to my mental illness and the choices I made that resulted in mistakes. But all you can do is try very hard to stay out of your own mind and not allow the negative self talk. That will only kill precious time. AND get you NO WHERE fast! Just take a moment and realize your surroundings.. and take a deep breath.. maybe even put on some HAPPY music that you love. the kind that makes you wanna sing and dance all around the livingroom type of happy song. and just focus on all the positives you got going on right now. Your kids for #1 .. right? They LOVE YOU and Yes, they might not act it or show it every minute.. but that's ok, they are kids. lol Depending on their age, sit down and color with them lol ... I can't tell you how many times I've done that. 

Infact that's how I discovered what true talents I had buried deep within me. I started with those adult coloring books (after I weened myself off the kids ones lol)

and then it turned into painting Rocks, and then.. Robotz lol, and painting etc. I endulged myself in Art Therapy and the 2 hours a week was never enough for me, I had to take it home or find other things around the house to occupy my mind as I listened to my happy music. (cause dancing around eventually wears you out quickly lol) But I am a HUGE Advocate for anyone to find and search out what their true passions are in life. and once you discover what that outlet is for you.. you dive in and take advantage of EVERY opportunity you can to be apart of that. 

it's life changing I promise! ... and try not to stress on the fears we all have about not wanting to be like our parents. or the people that raised us. I don't know if you or others out there are anything like me... but, I was so fearful of that when my kids were little, I went to the extreme opposite direction as my parents, to avoid at all costs not to be anything like them. Well, that can backfire on you too!! I think if we try and quit stressing ourselves out so much about what we DON'T want to be like, that it only creates more pressure on us to screw up and then beat ourselves up again for how we went about that scanario .. or situation. it's a VICIOUS CYCLE that we need to break. 

Ok, I'm done talking now lol ... geeze I didn't mean to ramble on. I just felt sad that you had posted this and NO ONE had even commented ANYTHING at all I am new to this forum .. is it always like this ?? I really hope not because I came here trying to find resources to help my concerns about Mental Health in CALIFORNIA. I am recently back "home" after gone out of state for 15 years and appalled at the LACK OF RESOURCES they have available here. THERE AREN'T ANY. Anywhere!! I'm just blown away by this and it's actually making me miss OHIO.. which I never thought I'd say lol

well, good luck please, and don't be so hard on yourself, and I mean it. find something that makes you smile.. and find a support group too maybe ?? My art therapy and my mental health facility changed my life in Ohio and I wish every single day, that I was back there, instead of here