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N.Lewis79

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N.Lewis79

Hi there. My apologies if this is not the right place to post, but here goes:

I don’t even know where to start. I have problems, and I don’t know if there is a label for them, or the things that I do. I’ll try and outline some of them, in the hope that there is someone out there who can point me in the right direction. If that is professional help, or just some insight from someone who has been in a similar downward spiral, all will be appreciated.

I’ll start with where I am currently. I am a 41-year-old man, married to by best friend with four beautiful daughters. At this moment, I am at the lowest point in my life, which is all self-inflicted against my better judgement. My wife has confronted me on a number of stupid decisions that I have made, both financially and personally. I have run up debt over the last year (during our wedding and in to buying a house together) without her knowledge. I started vaping on and off after quitting for years, I have lied about loans and bonuses from work. I’ve looked at inappropriate on the internet despite denying it, which leads my wife to think I would have no qualms about cheating on her. That is the furthest thing from the truth, but I totally understand why she feels the way she does.

All of this has been done on the backdrop of my wife bailing me out financially a couple of years ago. I carried over debt from my previous marriage, where I just didn’t care about the relationship. I was in trouble, and my wife managed to consolidate my debts, budget my salary with hers and get me on the right path. But all I have done is throw that back in her face by continuing past behaviour. She no longer trusts me with anything, does not believe anything I say to her, won’t let me touch her……I’ve done so much damage to our relationship that it now no longer exists. I can’t say anything to her to help claw back any respect that she may have had for me, I just don’t know how to fix myself so I can be who I should be to her. I should be her support, God knows she needs it, but I’ve simply made myself yet another burden on her life.

Going back further, I have always let people down regarding money. I would get into debt with store cards etc, ignore demands and spiral into debt, thinking that there would be a magical fix for the problem. I’ve been this way since I was a teenager, and I’m still doing it. I really want this to change and stop so I can be the man I should be, not another child to be looked after.

I have always had an underlying need to self-harm when things are going wrong. My teens were a blur of cuts with a knife, and burns from lighters/hot metal. I was basically branding myself. That urge continues every day, especially when I am stressed about how my financial situation is spiralling again. I have so many thoughts of causing myself serious harm, I can’t begin to tell you. Most of the time, I can abstain but on occasion I will burn myself for a momentary release – then blaming it on a work related accident that wasn’t intentional. I drive to work on the motorway, wondering if anyone would miss me if I crashed my car. Those thoughts are few and far between, but scare the hell out of me when I have them. Them fact that they are there scares me more.

Drinking has always been another release, dulling any inner turmoil that may be going on over the terrible decisions I have made. I also show signs of nervous twitches and ticks, such as blowing on my hands/wrists, rolling my eyes and some odd facial movements. All of these stem from the stress that I put myself under by getting into these situations through lying to my nearest and dearest.

I need help, I can’t do this on my own, and my wife certainly does not need to be lumbered with my ways any longer. She needs a break from being married to an idiot – she had the same problems in her previous marriage with lies and cheating – so I need to change things now.

Any help or advice you can give will be gratefully received and noted. I thank you in advance.

From the bottom of my pit.

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Fool 72

I’m not sure I have any wisdom for you, right now. I need a bit of time to mull over what you have said. I just want you to know that I have heard you. I’ll come back to this once I’ve done some digesting, but for the time being I truly hope that this moment finds you okay xx

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Saharah Blue

All good in relationships start with compassion and a genuine sense of care for the other. People say it is not possible to truly give love without loving yourself first. I can see the logic in this theory, because otherwise is a always a fast circle back to self, self, self.... Learning to take responsibility is usually at the heart of it. I am sure there are ways that you need nurturing and healing before you will see the change you want to see in yourself.

I do know from experience the more I let love in my heart the more love I have to give in turn. I also have found that when I make choices based on the person I want to be, I just feel better in a deeper and lasting way.

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