verbena Posted August 19, 2004 Report Share Posted August 19, 2004 It’s gone. Then it’s back. Then it’s gone, but for longer. Then it’s back, but for not as long. Then it’s gone and I miss it – because if it’s gone, what else is there? I’ve been adding to my life to take its place. I go to church every week (because that is being in the right place). I work out every day (because when I am on the trainer, I can stop thinking). I picked a date for the fall party (because the committee pushed me to). I begin the writing class next Tuesday (because he said I should take a writing class). I am waiting for these things to be more important than it has been. Do you understand? Any of you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted August 19, 2004 Report Share Posted August 19, 2004 It is very clear to me. bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladylazurus27 Posted August 19, 2004 Report Share Posted August 19, 2004 I understand Verbena, I have problems with IT too.... ~kristy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckygurl Posted September 9, 2004 Report Share Posted September 9, 2004 IT runs my life................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted December 29, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 This is part of it. You used to know what I meant Bets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 I miss IT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted December 29, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 EXACTLY!!!!!! I haven't found it yet, but I once asked the question "Would you miss it?". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 Right now I don't think I could cope without IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 IT is both saviour and sinner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted December 29, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 Maybe I hadn't posted it here. I found it in my documents titled of course, IT. Would I miss it do you think? Would I miss the constant self-analyzing, and being so inside myself, and wondering how close I could come to crazy and still keep whatever life I have built between times when it takes over? Would I miss being able to treat the people who care about me like shit and have them still care about me, and would I miss being able to manipulate people who try to help me? If I had the chance to be well, rid of it, would I, really? I don't know that I would, and so I am really not wanting to get any better. I want to get worse. I don't want to be better. I want to stay as I am. Or get worse - that would be the only other choice. Stay as I am or get worse. It would be like saying good-bye to my life if I got much better. It is the way I am. I know how to be like this. It’s like having a low-grade fever or a little food poisoning that won’t go away. Just a little sick all the time. Sometimes I thought it was easier when I could just zone out, then for a while it was really hard, everything hurt, but I couldn’t cry. Now things are easier – I think I am grounded now, things aren’t as painful, I’m not losing everything, no poking, no v & v. You tell me that less therapy is better for me. Without arguing that, I must say that there are questions and concerns and incidents that I want to talk about or at least verbalize that I haven’t because I think you’ll wave them off or wave me off before I’ve finished. All part of the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted December 29, 2004 Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 getting well is scary... it is the unknown.. means giving up old defenses.. means taking responsibility.. means living in the here and now... means saying that empty space is as filled up as it is going to get.. means your inner child is as well taken care of as it will ever be.. means more honest relationships.. means tearing down walls and defenses., means being more vulnerable. forgive this word association of wellness... it is probably all a crock anyway. sorry bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted December 29, 2004 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2004 .. means taking responsibility.. means living in the here and now... means saying that empty space is as filled up as it is going to get.. means your inner child is as well taken care of as it will ever be.. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Sounds just like Dr. Brooke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
budgie Posted December 31, 2004 Report Share Posted December 31, 2004 i know IT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m0noxide Posted January 5, 2005 Report Share Posted January 5, 2005 i understand where you're coming from. it is a recurring theme in my life. i hope you can recover from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted January 5, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2005 We'll see. Now it's Risperdol and Wellbutrin and therapy. We'll see if that puts a dent in IT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
budgie Posted January 6, 2005 Report Share Posted January 6, 2005 I have Prozac, Topamax and Xanax....sorta er...cruise control at the mo i guess...previously had Risperol but WOW! I was like...zoned..but during that period of time, I was also on other meds, and coupled with a tough (actually THE toughest) time, I couldnt really tell wat was really zoning me out then....The Big IT, or the small Itlets, or ...........watever.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
verbena Posted January 6, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2005 Budgie, I love it when people make up words, and I see it here a lot! Itlets - I can take itlets because I can manage them one at a time and don't feel like a loser as I do when I'm staring into the face of the big IT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
budgie Posted January 8, 2005 Report Share Posted January 8, 2005 i get u there Ver, I get u. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.