Really don't know if this forum is still active as the posts are old and it should be really busy, particularly during lockdown.  Am very isolated and have no support and am really struggling to manage lockdowns as can't use coping mechanisms due to restrictions.  If there is anyone out there that is struggling too, during this difficult time please do contact me for a chat.

Louisa

I hate the phrase stay safe but that's what I want you all to do especially the ones that kept me  safe those years ago. 

Ginger

I cannot understand what is wrong with me!!!  I was diagnosed with depression many years ago.  I have been on tablets most of my life.    What I cannot understand is why when I am more fortunate than most, do I feel so low!!!   I have a lovely home, loving partner,  a little job to see me into my retirement , and two wonderful children, and grandchildren.  So why, am I so unhappy?   It's like I have forgotten how to be happy.  I have lost my appetite, so I tend to eat only because I need to, and I feel queasy a lot of the time.  I have no inclination to do anything anymore.  Why?   I feel so fed up.

She admitted she was pushing me away because she felt I deserved better, that I was too good for her, and she couldn't understand why I wanted to be with her. These are things she has said during our whole relationship so a lot of texts etc have been to try and show her this isn't the case, that I am the lucky one etc but maybe I overdid it in an effort to show her I wouldn't walk away like others have and that I am with her because I want to be.

anyway she decided to end things citing various reasons about not being deserving, needing space etc. For a while after I barely heard a thing but if I text she replies and more recently she has been texting and been more talkative. She even opened up a little to say she is feeling the lowest she has ever felt which is new as she hasn't really been talking about it. she has also text a couple of times to say she was thinking of me. 

For a long while she would completely switch off if I mentioned meeting up but last weekend out of the blue she agreed to meet for a drink. We sat and chatted for hours but kept it light and had a lovely time, we had a cuddle and little kiss afterwards which seems a big step. Her texts since seem lighter and she has been opening up more so I asked if she would like to meet up again, however she now isn't sure and has backed off a little.

She has had GP visits and is on medication, her dosage of anti depressants have just been increased.

If I am honest I just feel a little lost and confused. How do I help? Do I keep texting? do I leave her to text? I have read so many similar reports and it seems in a lot of cases things work out and people get back together. I have no intention of walking away, it isn't even an option for me, even knowing I will possibly come out of this badly.

I know this has probably been discussed countless times, I guess i just needed to get it out. Thankyou so much for any replies, I really do appreciate it

I'm a 17 y/o girl. I've had a job, my family loves me, and I've had friends who I really care about that really care about me. I came out as bisexual and everyone I knew accepted me, even my grandmother who used to talk about how being gay was a sin(she actually became a supporter because of this). Seems like a happy teenager right? Yet I constantly feel alone. I feel like I'm trapped in myself. All my days bleed into one another and sometimes I can't take it. I used to be really bad about self harm. Once my mom and my stepfather found out. They were really supportive at first. I trusted my stepdad the most, as he knows about this sort of thing. He used to self harm before him and my mother married which is why I trusted him. I had even stopped self harming. I know he would still talk about it to this day but.... My mom stopped trying to help. If I have a day where I can't stop crying she just yells at me, screaming how she walks on eggshells around me, and how I use how I feel as a crutch in life. I feel like.... Like she doesn't care about me anymore. I felt more alone than ever... And now their all gone. They went on vacation and left me all alone in my home for four days, and all I can think about is how suffocating the silence is. How alone I am.

I can't talk about how I fell with my family anymore, and the only friend I had spoken to about this is clinically depressed, and the last time I spoke to her about this she tried to kill herself... Said I had brought her down too much... 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't speak to my mother or my best friend. I don't have a doctor or anyone to speak to because we can't afford it and my moms not 100% sure I'm not faking this whole thing. I'm lost.... And I need help. I know that. But I just don't know where to get help from

I need so much help... My friend won’t listen to me anymore and yells at me when I just need someone to listen. I don’t need a response just..appreciation...Anyway I’m clinically depressed and I’m definitely at a low right now. Why is everyone leaving me...why do I hurt them this way...why am I so stupid...everything is falling apart and I have put it upon myself to make sure I don’t eat as punishment.I have like a pack of peanuts at the beginning of the day and almost nothing else...it’s been a month since I’ve had three meals. But of course I’m a stupid weak piece of nothing and so I graze on everything so I wouldn’t say I’m starving myself...

I just want to know I’ll be okay...I just want to vanish and I don’t even care if people miss me anymore. I just don’t want to hurt them...It’s so bad these last two years...I don’t know how to healthily keep going...can someone please talk to me...anybody? I can’t handle the empty sickness in my chest anymore... sorry for your time 

edit: typing it out made me feel a bit better...like it gives me hope that maybe someone will care

I'm not sure if I should really post this. The point is that my problems aren't really that bad so i feel like I shouldn't bother people with real problems. But then, I don't really know where else to go so... Oh yeah, and english is not my native language so please excuse grammar mistakes etc.

I think the very short story is that I think that I may have depression. I'm currently 17 years old and since last winter I can barely (or probably not at all) remember two days in a row where I didn't break down and cried. I can't talk to my parents because we don't really have a good connection and they have their own problems. I can't talk with my friends because I don't really trust them with something so personal and I sometimes feel like they don't give a shit about me anyways. My teacher also tried talking to me but I don't want to bother him. I know he's uncomfortable doing so and I also don't really trust him.

The point is that my last school year starts in like... four days and every night I cry myself to sleep, because I don't know how I'm gonna manage it. Post-graduation time is like a big black hole, because I don't know what I should do with my life after I'm done with school. Also I'm afraid that all my friends will drop me the second they don't see me on a daily basis anymore and that there won't be anymore people around me that I can run to if everything falls apart (like last year, I still had my teacher, who was obliged to help me.). I'm so afraid that next year I'll be totally alone and I'm hella anxious that I'll become suicidal if I keep living this way (Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking about killing myself right now. I'm just afraid how long I'll be able to do this)

So I guess all I really want would be someone to talk to.

Bye then I guess

"Things may seem bad now, but if you just keep pushing through, things will change for the better. Just because things are bad now doesn't mean they will be forever, and you have the power to change things, for the better or the worse. You have the power to separate yourself from the things in your life that are making you feel this way. I hope you know that no matter what, I'm always here, and no matter what happens, things will get better. Just know that you are in control of your life, and only you can change things for yourself. Don't let other people change how you feel or see yourself. Don't let other people put you down or make you feel like less than you are, because you are so much more than what they make you out to be. And yes, I would care very much if you died tonight."

He hasn't replied yet. . . He hasn't even looked at it yet. . . I'm scared he's going to do something. I feel like its my fault, because he wasn't having these issues until he asked me out and I turned him down. . . Someone help, please? I don't know what to do. . . I'm seriously scared he's going to hurt himself, or worse.

Every time I fall in love with someone or something I get this feeling of insufferable dread that’s just so terrible I don’t want to even think about it. I get into something and my mind tells me things like “don’t bother, you’ll stop being interested anyway. It won’t last long.” Or if I like someone my mind says “don’t bother, it won’t go anywhere.” This is embarassing, but I like kpop. Even though I like it, my mind practically bullies me out of liking it. “Don’t watch the music video. If you do you’ll get sick of it faster and you’ll have nothing. Don’t say you like any of the idols because you’ll just fall out of love.” And I hate it because it’s always true. Then if there is something about the community I don’t care for, like the kpop drama shows, my mind says, “well why don’t you like them? Obviously you don’t truly love this thing if you don’t have any motivation to partake like everyone else.” (Even though I know that some parts of he community aren’t for everyone and there’s nothing wrong with not being interested with every part of it. But my brain isn’t quite convinced.) The feeling of dread returns every time something like that appears in my mind and leaves when I finally decide that liking something isn’t worth being scared of losing it 24/7. I hate liking things because my mind counts down to me the time I have left before I won’t be interested anymore. I think that everythig would be easier if I just wasn’t interested in anything. And so I have nothing left and everything is boring to me. I want to be asleep. I don’t want to hear things like “don’t be scared of losing things, just enjoy having them and go with the flow.” You don’t understand... I can’t... it’s like every time I try to love something I’m bullied out of it. And then the second I start to feel even a LITTLE BIT less excited about something my mind tells me it’s over and I shouldn’t try to cling to something that’s declining. If I try something new it doesn’t last. I wanted to learn a new language and as soon as I thought that, my mind barraged me with, “no, it’s useless. You’ll stop being interested in kpop by the time you learn the language. You won’t use it. Learning the new language will make your interest run out faster. Don’t.” And Nothing lasts. I wish I could just be free and enjoy things the way everyone else does. I want to feel comfort in knowing there’s something wrong with me so I don’t have to feel like I’m normal and that this is just the way it will be. 

I’m free if the feeling of losing something because I’ve thrown everything away. I’m bored of being alive and unmotivated. Ive never been diagnosed with anything because I’ve never been to a therapist. I keep thinking that I’d be wasting their time. Which is why I feel a sort of comfort in the dread; it makes me think that there really is something wrong with me to be feeling this terrible, so maybe I can go up from here. As I write this post, the feeling is there telling me not to post it. Don’t bother. It’ll be useless.

...Please help.

I have chronic depression and sever social anxiety that has progressively gotten worse the older I get.

I have had a couple of dates over the last 3 years off of dating websites and I was strung along for a year and a half by a girl who used me as an ego boost because I'm "nice". 

I moved a lot as a child and as a teenager so I lost a lot of friends through that and now I don't know how to make friends anymore. I try to think of clubs etc but I've lost interest in everything and the fear of seeing couples together makes me shake. 

If I see people in a relationship in can make me throw up. Not because it disgusts me but through pure sadness and dread that I'll never have that. 

I've tried to kill myself before, I just stood on the edge of a bridge and tried to let go. I was there for hours but I couldn't do it through cowerdice which I had myself for. 

My therapist has now abandoned me saying she can't do anything for me anymore. 

I'm so lost and I desperately want to die but I know I can't. I just feel trapped. 

To never know what it's like to be held knowing that person cares for you as much as you do for them I feel isn't a life worth living. 

If I'm like this at 30 I will force myself to die. I don't care how I have no plan. Probably just drink myself to death tbh. 

If you can see a way out please share because I have run out of energy to keep trying. 

Like many here.. I have my own story battling depression. From the brink of suicide to where i am now... loving my life. I decided that I don't want anyone to suffer the way I did without help to get out of it!! 

So I teamed up with a group of coaches and specialists and created a bot that provides people with an easy way to work on their mental health and grow their happiness and wellbeing. In total privacy.

We are currently in a Beta testing phase, offering our services for free. Please private message me if you'd like to know more. 

D

I argue constantly at home with my mum and my niece, and my niece is the cause of it. She winds me up all the time, and when I get wound up I either go and argue with my niece, or I do the sensible thing that I've been recommended to do and tell my mum, which is supposed to prevent arguments. All that does, however, is cause arguments as well. I've got no choice. I can't walk away, my niece will continue to annoy me from there, and because she's 10 and doesn't live with her mum, my mum treats her like a saint and she is allowed to do absolutely anything without punishment. All I have to do is say the slightest bad thing and my mum is throwing my posessions out of the window(most recently my laptop, today), she is emotionally abusing me to a point where I don't know what to do with my life, and my niece continues to - despite having caused everything - get away with it. Unfortunately, my mum still thinks that I'm totally fine mentally and that my niece is better off, and she says I'm a bully and disgusting for saying that my niece has ruined my life since she lived here - which, in all honesty, she has. 

I've tried explaining to my mum(albeit during a less-heated moment of an argument) that I'm at the point of jumping off a bridge, that she doesn't understand what she's doing to me mentally. She doesn't care, or believe me. Trouble is, she's a caring person really, and she definitely would care if I was to go out and injure myself. I can't get anything through to her, I've tried my absolute best and nothing works. She's threatened to go and drive into a brick wall herself, which upsets me quite a lot because she's my mum at the end of the day, it's upsetting. She just doesn't care about what I say, though, even when I mean it and I've told her I do. 

She hates me for who I am, she's said herself she hates my voice, and I can only guess that she hates me because I was born with autism - hencewhy she treats me differently(in a negative way) than to my other siblings, and my niece. I can't carry on living like this, I can't tell anyone what she's like otherwise she'll get in serious trouble, and I can't ring or talk to anyone because there's a) that much on my chest that I don't know where to start, and b) she will also get into a lot of trouble, again, and I don't want her to, despite how horrible of a mental state she's put me in. I can't go out anywhere for more than a day to get away from her,  because she'll ring the police and lie to them(she lies to everyone and never lets me spea to people, because she knows that she's in the wrong. I can't speak to anyone local because she's already made me out to be a horrible person without me having the ability to defend myself). If she does ring the police when I try and get away, she'll lie to them and say I've either hit her or done something bad - and the only way for me to get across to the police that I haven't done that is to explain what's happened, and how I feel, and if I do that my mum will once again get into serious trouble or I'll probably get locked up for my own safety, because I'm at the point where I feel like jumping off a bridge.

My mum has lied to the entire family about what I'm like, and has never said a word of what she is like to people. The entire family now hate me(apart from my dads side, my mum and dad live separately and my dads side of the family treat me the complete opposite of my mums side. My dad understands what she's like, and my grandma and granddad on that side are also really nice to me. When I see my dad I never get angry or wound up, which is because my mum and niece are the issue, but my mum tries convincing him that I'm 'two faced' and 'schizophrenic' because I can "put on an act", but she doesn't understand that the way I behave at my dads is how I am normally, she just drives me to my wits end. I don't want to live at my dads, however, because he has a different lifestyle which I don't really want to live in. He's not by any means an alcoholic or drug addict, he is very polite and all that sort of stuff, but I'm just not fond of his routine and everything, so living there is crossed off.

I don't know what to do, my mum is upset herself(although not as much as me) and I don't like that, although she doesn't feel bad for me when I'm upset. I've no idea what to do anymore, I've tried everything to tell her how bad my mental state is but she's still completely determined I'm either lying, she doesn't care, or that my niece is 'worse off' even though she's absolutely fine(I know what some people might say, but I can tell peoples emotions very well and how they're feeling, and my niece has everything she could ever want, including in her social life), and that's really getting to me. I can't tell anyone of my problems because I don't want my mum to get into trouble.

I feel like I'm getting major health problems from stress, I'm constantly getting chest pains and going light headed, as well as constant stomach pain all the time, but I don't want to go to the doctors because, to be completely honest, I don't care about my life anymore. I'm at my wits end, and as much as I'm tearing up writing this I don't know what else I can do at this stage :(

Anyway, my name is Louie. I'm a 14 year old, coming on 15. I feel this is important as I would like to consider myself quite intelligent and as a result I am well aware of my possible pubescent feelings and overreactions. However I equally feel like I need to vent my frustration and, as you will soon find out, I don't really have someone physically to go to.

My dilemma is this. I get along well with a small group of people during school, so much to the point where I would call them friends. This has been the case for about a year and a half. That being said, I don’t think they feel the same kind of friendship towards me as I do to them. It seems like they only interact with me when there’s no other option. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. The school week passes with conversation. The final day of the week comes and goes with no real plans being made. Keep in mind that I seldom have something to do on my weekends so I’m always free. (I’ve made this clear to them multiple times.) When to my dismay, I learn on the first day back that their weekend was comprised of fun with each other and going out etc. I often find out about this by either my parents seeing the group out without me and asking why I didn’t go (to which I reply that I wasn’t invited) or through the groups discussion of a particular funny moment or something similar. What’s more, they openly talk about these things in my presence, yet expect me to go unaffected. As you can hopefully tell by the nature of this post, I don’t.

And despise my attempts to show I want to get involved, both subtle hints and literally asking to be involved, my weeks of not doing anything continue. If I’m lucky I’ll get invited to go somewhere, but only if there’s no other option. 

This pattern, this constant cycle. It hurts. I don’t know what my feelings are. Anger? Loneliness? Sadness? Jealousy? Perhaps a mixture of them all. One thing is certain though, I feel alone, abandoned, forgotten. Unwanted. 

I don’t get it, I really really don’t. They include me in school but not out? While everyone else is invited? What am I doing wrong that is inhibiting me from being invited? Am I just a distraction? A tag along that is unneeded in any outside activities? Are they trying to tell me they want rid of me but don’t want to say it like it is? I’m completely lost. Maybe I’m just overreacting. Hormonal. 

I’d love to hear all of your opinions, thoughts and perhaps advice on this dilemma of mine. Am I just an angsty teen? Or do I need to re-evaluate where I place my friendships?

Also apologies if this all sounded very dramatic, I’m just speaking from my heart .

I dont enjoy speaking about issues so to cut a story short, the relationship ended with no warning and no future contact.

MY daughter was kept from me due to the mother and i having issues. i have not seen my daughter in almost 2.1/2 years.

how ever those past years i have not been able to leave my bedroom much, spending 97% of the time fixed in their. 

who knew four walls be become so comfy, i cant say i enjoy being bound here but its become part of life. lifes become so dull, with no hopes, no future plans, nothing to aspire to.

the one thing that kills me , is the fact no matter what ive tried i cant contact my daughter, i fell like ive failed her, failed myself and failed life.

My number one goal as being a dad was to be a good one, to be always there for my child, but ive hit a brick awall and i no longer know what to do..

i have had depression for years and anxiety about 1 year. 

i dont think anyones response will influence my mood or how i feel but i thought id share my story.

im at bottoms end right now. i actually dont want a way to feel better. im used to this feeling. ive failed this life. ive failed my daughter regardless if it was out of my control. children look up to parents to make things right and on this occasion i could'nt. so if anything i will be forever sorry to my daughter.

The following is my journal, kept from summer 2017 through to summer 2018. I never really wrote it for anyone other than myself - mostly as a way of venting frustration. Having now decided to stop writing in it. I figured that it might be worth posting on a forum in the hope that at very least someone else might find it interesting, or at most helpful/relatable. 

I've left everything in, including names, dates and crude swearing. I'm not too concerned about the chances of somone I know finding this online, least of all here - so it may as well be acurate. 

In the end, I chose to stop writing in the journal because I was worried that it was only acting as an echo chamber for my darker thoughts, and have found it more productive to express myself to a professional (shrink/GP) that can actually answer some questions. 

I'm sure there are parts of this journal which will make little sense, so here's a little context that might make it easier to read:  I started writing aged 17 - a sixth form student,  mostly as a way to try to come to terms with my apparent depression and try to be proactive in dealing with it. I broke up with a really great girlfriend shortly before the journal starts, I cheated on her. And while it caused me a great deal of sadness to lose her, the main effect was not having anyone to talk to, and as such felt the need to try writing a journal.  The jury's still out in whether it actually helped me, but if I know it worked at the moment as a distraction. There isn't anything exceptional about my life, I'm from Cambridge, England. I'm still dealing with substandard mental health. I'm still waiting to have a formal diagnosis and still trying to find ways to stay healthy.

- J

Sunday 2nd July, 2017

Hating your life isn't a big deal, I think a lot of people wake up and wish they were somewhere else, or someone else. But that's just a guess, everyone else  all seem to, at the very least, be able to enjoy moments of their lives, true genuine joy, something that feels like an ever theoretical concept in my mind.

I don't want to be dramatic or selfish….I've always hated people who go around sodcasting their problems and feelings to everyone else like it's their right to be listened to and other people even care. I also hate people who can't deal with their own shit, and have taken it as a matter of personal pride that I'm emotionally intelligent enough to be objective about the facts of life, and to not let them bother me. However, I think that my own mindset in the matter of life might not be as positive as first thought. Since, despite not being an emotional wreck, it's doing fuck-all for my happiness. So maybe writing things down is decent compromise between not keeping it all bottled up, and not being 1st class victim-mindset neanderthal.

First and foremost, I don't think I'm depressed, or have a genuine mental illness, I think I might just be a overly cynical bastard? And I don't mean cynical in the sense of believing that all people are motivated by self interest. That's a given. I mean cynical in my view of other people's character, seeing weakness and flaws in all people so vividly they may as well be wearing a sign around their neck. Spotting likable characteristics is also something I struggle with, in fact I can't think of anyone I know who I'd think of as a genuine, strong charactered and sincere person.

I'd like to think I'm a reasonable judge of character. But that is distinctly separate from looking at a person, and all you can see is: Narrow minded, emotionally unstable, no understanding of social situations.

Maybe all people my age are just arseholes? Who attempt to make up for their lack of life experience by exaggerating their own dull stories enough to to elicit sympathy and attention from others- All desperately groping for the stage where they've had enough shit things happen to them that they can fully adopt a mindset and outlook of a truly victimized person - and never have to prove themselves again. It's strange watching people desire to have the life of a soldier who's had his legs blown off.

Peace is being away from people. But it's also really lonely.

Monday 3rd July

Quit my job today, small step towards sanity….. Don't have to listen to the lazy cunts whining about doing to bare minimum anymore. Hating people is proving problematic, if required to work with them. However, should be entirely possible to find a job I hate a bit less. Progress. I was once told that happiness in life is derived from the connections we make with other people, so it stands to reason that if I only make negative connections with those around me the I'll be unhappy. However, this also appears to be a problem with people I make positive connections with, since they eventually like me so much that they want to spend an ever increasing amount of time with me. Something that for whatever reason, really distresses me, not because I don't like their company, but because I prefer my own, but now the only person I have to talk to is myself, no longer stressful, but it certainly isn't much fun. This problem was epitomised with my last girlfriend. Loved her, hating spending my time with her.

Ironically, I find myself unable to understand what to do with myself when left alone, but a burning desire to be alone the moment someone wants to talk to me for more than a few minutes. This has resulted in being unable to make a connection with anyone strong enough, that I am able to tell them I hate them. Nearly got there with my last girlfriend, but she never fully appreciated how much I disliked her, and probably never could. Underlying love is what people expect to find in others, especially their partners, but a cold, negative alter ego that just wants to be left alone? Its shit knowing everything about yourself, I know I care about myself (otherwise why try and write this shit down?), but I certainly don't like myself, because I hate other people, and I'm a massive cunt.

Ha. The wonders of being honest with yourself.

Saturday 15th July

Just read some of my earlier entries, cheered me up a bit. NB, turns out finding yourself funny can actually improve your mood. Not having a great day today, its 12.49pm and I haven't done anything, which is bothering me, however more pressing is the matter that I don't appear to have anything to do. Which is strange, because I'm normally busy. I often found I'm motivated by trying to avoid  one negative stimulus at a time, eat because I'm hungry, sleep because i'm exhausted, get out of bed because my face feels shit and my throat is dry. Being motivated by small amounts of pain works, literally gets me out of bed in the morning. But I don't think it's sustainable, and is undoubtedly having an effect on my happiness.

Today feels like I'm in some kind of shitty purgatory. A state where nothing is "wrong" you're awake, fed, warm, not in any immediate danger, and have no reason to do anything because you are already in the place that the animalistic and my apparently negatively reinforced subconscious wants to attain. When people ask if your okay, you can't really reply cheerfully with "feeling like a bit like wooden chair"  Might throw them a bit.

Fuck me, at least a chair has a  purpose.

Sunday 13th August

Still feel unable to motivate myself to do anything constructive or useful. I find being home alone makes this feeling worse - since I can't spend time with my brother. Also, even the smallest contact with my mother seems to send me into near uncontrollable anger. I think every aspect about her existence, her personality, and her manner of speaking deeply irritates me. I do love her, she's done a lot for me. But I think I could list in detail everything about her that makes me want to never spend another second of my life listening to her. It's one thing meeting a thick person, who can't articulate themselves but it's an entirely different feeling being forced to spend time with someone who can't even contemplate the most simple aspects of human life.  She is so stupid I'm almost offended. And I think her attempts to impart her "knowledge" upon me, is what creates my honest, real, and entirely sincere anger. She is in her 50's and can't communicate effectively, understand explicit verbal cues let alone notice a subtle change in tone of the person she is speaking to, she can't recognize a facial expression. She can't recognize a facial expression. Oxford educated, speech-and-Language therapist who works in interpersonal communication and she can't recognize a facial expression. Makes me feel physically sick.

Enough about other people, not sure it's them that is the problem. I'm still struggling to like people, even my closest friends. People I used to love spending time with. These days I'm happier when I don't see them. This appears to be because of two reasons, firstly there very presence stresses me out, and secondly because they are using up my time. I think their presence distress me, principally, because they have nasty, flawed and ugly personalities and secondly because I don't want to listen to, or be with such people.

As for the time issue, "time" itself is also something that seems to irrationally distress me, I look at the clock, and if it doesn't say what I want to to say I become anxious. This is normally accompanied with a feelings of time moving too quickly, that I have wasted my time and somewhat unsurprisingly, that I don't have enough time. It's made my whole summer feel like a brutal countdown to unhappiness at college, where my feelings of not having enough time  create stress,and result in me not enjoying my already short summer holiday.

I've found that doing something, that isn't immediately pointless or fruitless, helps rid me of my feelings of wasting time during the day. However it feels impossible to get rid of the impending feeling, that there is only 6,5,4 more weeks left of summer, before I'm thrust back into a world full of expectation and people constantly demanding to know what you intend to do with your life, and I have to lie and say I "want" to get a degree. Or I "want" to work in this field or that field. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed. In some ways it's lucky that breathing, blinking and sleeping doesn't require motivation, I guess it means that I can become as disparaging and unhappy as I want, and I'll still be dragged through life, kicking and screaming by a body which refused to reflect my state of mind.

I tell myself it's just one more year, but I know it's going to be the worst one yet.

Monday 21st August

Finally got a new job, feeling a bit nervous after the last one, there are some seriously weird people out there.  Still struggling to make sense of my motivation problem, irony being that I'm actually failing to be constructive in my attempts to improve my ability to be constructive. Still unable to control my drinking, but hopefully after throwing up 30 odd times I'll learn to stop altogether. Trying to get back with Izzy, not getting very far, tells me she loves me then let's Alex Marchinack kiss her…..Jesus fuck he is an ugly bloke. My one consolement being that I if she has enough traumatising experiences with people who've never used their penises before…... then I might still stand a chance. Silver linings. Gives me something to focus on, which helps, means I spend more time worrying about what she's thinking than how I'd like to die. Still unsure about going to GP, last time they sounded like before they could help me I was required to at least have done self harm, with extra credit going for suicide attempts. Failing this fucked up criteria, I was almost literally told to come back once I'd started cutting myself, in a blunt condescending tone to polish it off. Her response to my genuine pain, was condescension….as a result my 10 minute appointment with a medical professional, was literally less useful than 'get well soon' card. She couldn't last two weeks in my head.

Going on holiday soon, first holiday in years...not sure what to expect. Not happy about spending a whole week with the inanimate fucking object that is my mum . Not thrilled about the mate I'm bringing, I like him and all. But he's not Izzy. Still, might be fun.

I normally write this when I'm feeling down, in a hope that it might help me relax, but today….it isn't working. And moreover, Isabel….well she's making excuses not to see me. This poses a small problem when she happens to be one of the only people who I can rely on.

That said, she's a complete cunt most of the time. Rude to me, snaps, gets moody for no reason, winges, can't make up her mind, and sometimes just picks random moments to insult me in front of my friends.

You'd think with so much in common, we'd get along. Sometimes we do, sometimes she's just a bitch.

I'd give the world just have her treat me the way I treat her.

Tuesday 22 August

Decided today that I need to go back to the GP. There was once a time, not so long ago when I could deal with my emotions, I could rationally think about things that were making me stressed and quantify them, remove them, just cope with them in a practical and logical way, once I did this. I'd be happy. I haven't been able to do this for about a year now. No matter how much self pride I used to invest in being emotionally intelligent, I'm not sure I can crack this on my own.  I'm having to work harder and harder to maintain relationships, to stay positive, to calm myself down, to not cry and to get out to bed in the morning.

Time is starting to just blur together, months have gone by, and my life is no greater for it. I'm no more significant, no smarter, no fitter, no happier. It's like being on a silent rollercoaster that never ends.

Notes for GP

• Becoming distressed when having to engage with people. Even my friends

• Angry at the passing of time, which feels like it's flying by around me,

• Feeling helpless, because I can't help myself anymore.

• No satisfaction in anything

• Unable to motivate myself

• Sleeping too much, but constantly feeling exhausted

• Constantly thinking about death.

• Have to try very consciously to calm myself down after I become upset

• Immediately and vividly seeing dislikable characteristics in people as soon as I meet them. And from then on hating them for it.

• Having breakdowns where I feel so upset I struggle to breathe.

Wednesday 8th November

I hate people, all people, every day every second, they are nasty self deciving egotistical aresholes who don't understand the first thing about human existence.  Some of them are too stupid to bear, some of them to wrapped up in their own bubble of lies to put up with. Made a terrible decision today, went to see tutor. Had completely forgotten how much of a cunt he is, won't be making that mistake again, mocked me, condescended to me and scoffed at the idea of me being ill. Turns out my GP isn't qualified enough to help me and I should really try just manning up a bit. Glad I'm sorted, time to get on with rest of life. Wanker.  "Yes, but have you tried dealing with the cause of your depression? The maybe you could come off the drugs and get on with your work" Thank fuck he reminded me that A levels are more important than my own miserable existence on the planet, I'd nearly forgotten. Fuck you Mr Cummings, as if I'm going to take life lessons from a fucking IT teacher who doesn't have the common decency to google something before he lays down his infallible words. Cunt. I'm so angry. Fuck depression, right now I hate people more than depression, depressions a fucking bitch, but I'd rather kill myself that listen to another lecture from a man so self obsessed he thinks he can speak from a position of authority while eating a microwave ready-meal, while  sat alone in his computer chair at lunch. Moron.

This is actually calming me down, might try going back to bed in a bit. I hate that I have to ask for help, I don't want help, I don't want people to look at me and pity me, I want them to be in awe.  I don't need sympathy…. But fuck me, I certainly don't need to be condescended to. Is it too much to ask just to be treated like an adult?

My mum is getting increasingly irritating, can't wait to leave, she just goes on...and on...and on...and is genuinely too stupid to realise I want her to fuck off. She keeps thinking I care, that I even give two shits about what happened at work, that I would even bat an eyelid if I didn't see her for 30 years. How can you be so dumb you can't even recognize when another person truly despises you .

Still trying to get back with Izzy, she's got to be the only human on this planet that can cheer me up. I mean hey, she's got her flaws, but at least she makes me smile. Its her birthday today, just wish I was still her boyfriend to enjoy it with her. She is so beautiful. 

Stopped hating dad? I think? Actually kinda regret living with my Mum and not him these last few months. Going to try and spend more time with him, he treats me like an adult, we have a normal relationship. Turns out he was just completely terrified of being a father, and once he'd skipped the hard bit, he's more than happy to step back in, he's a nice bloke, but he was a shite dad, maybe at least now we can be friends.

Decided I need to get a dog asap, can't put my finger on it, but they really cheer me up, and theses days being happy is like winning the lottery, roughly the same odds as well. So it can't hurt. Plus they are cute.

Still being unproductive, not doing any college work. Honestly stopped caring about almost everything, now I just want to be less sad, so I spend my time gaming or with Izzy and her dogs - fairly decent strategy, right up until she leaves, or I have to stop gaming and go to bed….or my mum bitches at me for not sitting and listening to her bitch about other people enough. It's literally like living with a 13 year old girl… she keeps coming into my room to say she is going to bed? Why? I don't care? It doesn't involve me? Fuck off?

Making lists of things I need to do each day works quite well - means while I'm still productive and generally useless I'm not missed deadlines.

List of ideas that might make me happier:

• Spend every waking hour possible with Izzy

• Get a rugo

• Avoid mum at all costs

• Avoid tutor at all costs

• See GP more

• Every day make list of things I want to do

• Keep thinking about future

• Start working out

Monday 15th January, 2018

Izzy left me. For real this time, she isn't coming back and she never wants to see me again. I am destroyed. There is no other way to say it, every fibre of my being broken. To watch your last flickering candle go out. To know with absolute certainty that happiness is gone. To be finally left alone with a world full of people I despise. Every one of them, all deceiving themselves. And the there is me, unable to lie to myself, god I wish I could. To be able to convince yourself of a white lie would be a wonderful thing, if I knew less and were I more deceived I would be a happier boy. Because I could just gloss over the nasty bits of life, I could silence the enraged man that lives inside my head. I could use my mind to cheer myself up rather than battling it just to get out of bed. These days I have to distract myself while I stand up, otherwise I wouldn't do it. I lay there for hours trying to find a song or a news stories that will take my mind elsewhere for just long enough to stand up.

I need help, and I am unable to help myself. The only person I could talk to has disappeared like a cruel magic trick. She knew how much I depended on her and it just made me less attractive in her eyes. There is not a single person I could call right now to talk to. Not one. There is no human being on this entire planet that knows how much pain I am in. So here I am, left to talk to myself in the vain hope that expressing pain might lessen it. In truth I'm just in an echo chamber with myself. I argue all day long in my own head all writing it down does is mean that I can distract myself with the task so I describe the emotions and don't feel them.

On the strength of a passing comment I pin all my hopes of not being alone. A pointless exercise in disappointment. I know no one cares about me. Not really. I know this because I don't care about anyone else, not really. On that basis I almost expect to be ignored. The GP is paid to listen to my pain, but can't do anything. I don't want gratification for being unhappy. I want the pain of existing alone to stop. I am surrounded by people, yet devoid of company.

So, tomorrow I have to cross a bridge to go to my interview. And either I cross that bridge, or I only make it halfway along. The dark icy water seems so welcoming. The momentary pain of death insignificant in the face of carrying on. The water would sting, but the overwhelming feeling of relief from life would be so relaxing I doubt I'd feel the cold.

Its not giving up, suicide is about being happy. Since I cannot find happiness in life, and all I have is pain, to stop that pain is the closest I can get to being happy. Death is inevitable, so I do not get to choose whether I die. I do however get to choose whether I live.

You can't make me do this. You can't make my live a life I don't want to live. To have the final say is consoling. The best part of course, you even get to choose how you die. There must be millions of people who over the years become to weak and feeble that they are only able to die as their body will allow.

It's too easy, all I have to do is write a letter, leave everything to toby.

I've always loved the sensation of being underwater, I replay the idea of diving off a bridge somewhere over and over in my mind. And here I am, alone in Belfast, with a one hell of a bridge to cross.

Monday 5th February

Already regretting not killing myself in Belfast. Can't even hold a conversation theses days. Dawned on me today that not only do I live without any friends, but I also live without any family. My brother is a theoretic concept who lords his lack of interest in video games over me via text. My father is somewhere, messaging me once a month. I can't be bothered to write about how much I wish my mom would just die already, she represents everything about human nature which I despise.  Just went it seems my life can't get any more sad and pathetic, something else comes along to rub it in. I can't live because it hurts to much, I can't face sitting alone in silence so I play rock music on full volume, I can't even play video games for 12 hours a day, because I can't get out of bed, I can't even do well in the pretend world I use to escape the real one. I can't even understand my college lessons. I can't even motivate myself to run away. To exist so pathetically is almost the only thing I'm good at, that and not telling anyone.

The girl I'm seeing at the moment is...well she isn't making me sad but she isn't Izzy. Kinda just depresses me when I think of how Izzy would have done something differently or when I think about the time we had together.  

So here is the question, am I depressed because my life is depressing. Or is my life depressing because I am depressed. I am unable to distinguish between the cause and the symptom, and i fear they feed of each other. So what to do. Be happy. Easy, but how to be happy:

1) Kill myself, not technically happy but close enough.

2) Go through some pretentious long winded self obsessed,  self improvement phase of my life that magically makes all my problems go away somehow generates feelings of purpose, self assurance and general contentment...bollocks

3) Go back to GP and ask for something that would kill a horse. More clear cut, still allows for option 1 if it fails to help.

Okay having written that down, killing myself definitely seems like the quicker more reliable option. But can I be bothered to kill myself? It would mean writing a will..some cheesy facebook posts from people who don't know me...a mediocre funeral and at best my dad will donate a token amount of money to a mental health charity. That said..much easier to endure when dead.

Friday February 9th.

Struggling to justify spending my time with other people. Just spent a whole week with a 6/10 who turns out to be a self absorbed gold digger who can't just fuck one guy at a time. I mean how hard can that be? I don't want to be a misogynist, I want to believe that women have the decency to treat other people like humans without either being thick, selfish or just plain rude...but lately it appears to be women that I hate the most. Every girl I've ever been with is simultaneously crass as well as being under confident.

Guys are obviously all much worse and have every imaginable failing as well. But I don't have a predisposition to want to fuck them, so they can be as pretentious and rude as they like.  

So I chase short term happiness flirting and fucking in a desperate hope that I won't come to despise them. Yet, one after another I find myself wanting to be anywhere else but listening to their poorly formed opinions while choosing between sex and a headache.

I can have any women I want, but its not worth all the time, effort and money just to hate them afterwards. At least if I don't know them the I don't know their flaws.

Most recent lady is annoying slut, but she gives world class blowjobs, I give it a month.

Sunday 4th March

Okay, so it's just about lasted a month. She remains pretentious as fuck, had a go at me for making her a cup of tea and the stirring it with a teaspoon that had been "contaminated" with milk. Yeah. This is the level of stupid I have to put up with to get laid. She isn't even lactose intolerant for fucks sake she's just a bitch. The amount of sex we are having has greatly decreased. Might bail on this one, she really is a half wit. I wonder how many other people have to choose between sanity and getting to tie a girl up. I really want both things, and it's not easy trying to balance them at the moment.  I swear to god I wanted to slap her when she refused to touch the second cup of tea I made her, with a new mug and a new spoon. She doesn't deserve to live in a first world country.

On the flip side, I'm not sure I can be bothered to find another girl, (much like my last relationship) it's easier just to carry on that go through the whole being polite while meaning "please fuck off" conversation again.

Enough about girls. Human connection appears to be my real problem - can't find anyone I like. Like anyone, I have no friends, none. Dave - halfwit introvert with nothing about him. Jordan - professional moron. And those are the only two people I know well enough that I means I feel the need to highlight that fact I don't like them. I really really really really hate people. They just don't get it. They don't understand the world. They can't even see my hatred for them. I'm openly condescending to people. And the DON'T NOTICE. It's a joke, they are so dumb they can't see that I'm accusing them of being dumb.

So. I need to find a person I like quite badly. It's getting out of hand now. Everyone is just so thick. There is truly no one in my life who I admire, or like, or even begrudgingly respect.

Just seems so unfair, why can't I be moronic and happy like everyone else? Why can't I be stupid enough to enjoy the company of other idiots? I'm cursed with knowing more that those around me, I'm plagued with seeing people for what they are - little more than cardboard cutouts. And the worse part is, I have no one to empathise with. Not a single soul feels my pain.

I would happy end all human existence, just so I never had to meet a vegan again. I'd cut my own leg off if it meant I never had to listen to a girl bitch about another girl. I'd eat a bucket of broken glass if it meant I could respect my own mother as a human being.

I like being drunk, I like memes, I like being underwater, I really like dogs, I really like nice food. I just hate people. I want a dog, I'd trade every person thats ever smiled at me just to have a dog. Dogs are great, they wear their hearts of their tails and they have sharp teeth. Like The perfect human.

Game plan ,1)  persuade dad to finally buy a dog. 2) Find a less irritating piece of meat to shag and get rid of Ellie asap. 3) Make a friend. Just one. Fffs please just let me have a friend.

Thursday, 8th March

Got rid of the slut. Skipped college, got to see toby. Improvements, definitely - but no satisfaction. Nothing. Decided I might stop writing in this journal, it's pointless, doesn't help, just gives be something to do that isn't sitting alone in silence. I've just read through the whole thing, it would appear my own mindset is deteriorating. Not that there's anything I can do with this knowledge (other than be depressed about being depressed) I mean, I want to be happy. But I've spent so much effort and time trying to be happy with so little success it's genuinely saddening in of itself.  I've run out of ideas. The infinite list of things I could do to improve my life has been finished. I've got a better job, seen my GP, kept a journal, got more sleep, tried and failed to get Izzy to take me back.  What's the point. Fuck this. And fuck you all.

I think, had I done it differently, I should have been a whiny little bitch, I should have cried, or cut myself for attention. It's the only way people would have actually tried to help. Not that they could help. But I'll never know, all because I'm too intelligent and too proud of my own intelligence to ever act so stupidly.

It would be out of character to actually want help, let alone try that hard to get it. Maybe the problem all along was that I didn't really want to help myself - that self destruction seemed like the right and proper way to live my life, dissembling piece by piece until I had nothing left but a sad journal.

It's impossible to get help without betraying myself. To cut myself non-fatally for attention, or cry or actually stay on the silly drugs the GP put my one, would be to reject everything I held dear,

and everything I respected about myself.

I've decided how best to kill myself, just going to use a kitchen knife to open my wrists and throat. And then in that final moment, I'd remain true to my own self and just sit there calmly, and then leave quietly.  

I respect myself, because I knew I knew more than those around me, because I knew I could manipulate anyone to believe anything, because I knew I had the strength to do anything I wanted to do. Because when it came down to it, I'd never met someone who was like me, I was lonely sure, but it actually made me feel superior. I felt like I was on to something, that as long as I kept my brilliance to myself, the I could rise to the top of this strange world, have anything I wanted. But in truth, there is no reward for being a better, more vivid human that those around you, only cruel punishment, self inflicted pain from becoming so lonely that I the only people I saw on my 18th Birthday, was my family - out of obligation to them, and a single girl called Isabel Ritchie, who stuck around out of some misplaced obligation to me. I love her, I always did. She was the only sentient being, that saw my pain, she could never understand it, but wanted to, and that meant the world to me.

So this is me, I'm still able to be rational about the facts of life, I'm still able to deal with it, and this is me dealing with it. I never changed, not once. I was a loner back then, I'm a loner now. I was sad back then, I'm sad now. I hated living then, I hate it now. It's been now over a year. The thought of doing another year seems impossible, another 60 years? Not even imaginable.

So. I'm going to call the GP. Because I'm split. It's perfectly rational to kill myself, I decided that in belfast. Yet I keep trying, keep hoping it will get better - irrationality, and unsuccessfully, but persistently. Optimism, strange, out of place, proven wrong optimism, like some remnants of my younger self still mistakenly thinking that optimism is a positive thing, optimism drags me around like shock collar, I despise it. It's not me, never was.

Friday 9th March

Okay so I'm high as a kite. So what. It feels amazing, first time all week I've felt relaxed enough to sleep. 5mg of Valium and some antidepressants, and I'm like a new person. It's like being high, but still perfectly functional, like alcohol, but you just get the buzz, no side effects. The GP was right, I can see how this would get addictive, I mean, I'd happily live the rest of my life like this.

Sunday 11 March

Been an interesting few days, calmed down a bit now. These meds certainly have a kick. I spent Friday staggering around college like a drunk kid with ADHD - winking at people I didn't know.  Saturday, I played water polo with the ferciousty and gleeful violence, that I haven't experienced in years, nearly vomited in the pool but otherwise I had twice my normal energy. That night at work, I dropped a ceramic salt shaker and a silver candle - unable to stop my hands from shaking. My pupils are permanently dilated, and I'm slightly too social - made more friends in a single weekend than the entire year before.  

My depressingly dull life remains, I feel better, but I find myself bored, and offended by the way people treat me. I guess that answers my question, turns out my life was depressing because I was depressed - and had withdrawn from the world, and turned inward in an attempt to avoid any kind of social situation.

Therefore, the next step towards improving my mental health, would logically be to make my surroundings, and day to day life less depressing. This is where it find I have a problem, how do I change things that seem beyond my control? I can't magic a new, more likable, more dependable set of parents out of thin air, I can't even spend more time with Toby.  College however, might no longer be a problem - since all I have to do is dope myself up and sit there being high, I can do that.

I have another problem, I don't have any friends. Is seems impossible for an 18 year old surrounded by people in a massive city. But I don't have a single person who I'd consider a close friend. I have Izzy, I think, but the problem remains that she can never feel the same about me again, and however close we get, she'll always push me away because of our past. I have a few friends who I could intentionally spend more time with, ask more personal questions to - in fact I'm fairly certain I could engineer Dave or Jordan into thinking I was their best friend. But this would be in equal measure desperate and manipulative. In truth, I don't really want to me that close to either of them, they aren't like me.

So how do I make new friends? I mean everyone else my age has deep friendships that were built over the last 10 years of their life. But I recall sitting through the last 10 years of school, not liking people. And certainly not wanting to get close to them.

Monday 12th March

Turns out college isn't much better regardless of the anti-depressants, I'm still sat here craving to be back home and playing xbox with Toby. The noise, the conversations, the pointless task set by the teacher. Its near introlable. I dislike the smells, the sounds, the chair, the fact I'm hungry, and tired, and halfway between running away out of panic, and falling asleep with boredom. I'm sat in a politics lesson right now, counting down the minutes, desperate for this mindless slog to end.

I want to be eating a pasta bake I'd just taken out of the oven, drinking alone with Izzy, maybe even just playing with a friendly dog. There are so many situations I'd rather be in. I hate my life, all I have to look forward to is a proper meal, like most days I've skipped breakfast because getting out of bed is only possible when I know I have to leave for college in the next 3 minutes, sometimes the threat of getting kicked out of Hills doesn't even drag me out of bed. Lunch is also a theoretical concept, mum doesn't buy food, so I don't eat unless I pay for it, and I hate spending money on food, it's illogical. All I've eaten today is a 79p pasty from co-op, I haven't shaved, and its entirely my fault.

Monday 19th March

My life goes around in circles. Each day the same. Every second draws me closer to the next thing I don't want to do. I can't make myself like people, so I have no one to talk to, today I'm writing in this journal because I have no other way of expressing myself.  Suicide seems more and more welcoming, all I have to do is swallow valium and vodka until I pass out permanently. It's almost too easy, the funny part it I'd probably enjoy the experience. I just don't think I can do this anymore. It's driving me insane.

Saturday 7 April

Its 3.26 am at the moment. I've achieved nothing in days. I'm constantly considering suicide. Why not? I can't have anything. Not even a friend. Even, thick ugly poor people have friends. Refugee's have friends. But I don't. Why can't there just be one other person like me. I want to die. It's not worth it anymore. The happiness gained from getting  out of bed in the morning pales in comparison to the agony it induces.

I have nothing. I spend my short days playing computer games. The crashing back into bed, lying awake for 3 hours, and the sleeping in until mid afternoon, get up, eat and game some more. What else is there to do? Revise?

No one even notices my existence. Izzy doesn't even care about be enough to come see me, instead she just talks about herself, and how happy she is and how fucking excited she is for the week ahead. Just leave me alone. I don't want to see how beautiful you are, and  how great your life is. Just rubs in the fact you used to be mine.

I'm going to kill myself. Just a matter of when really, decided to try and get some valium off the GP to use. The just go to bed one night and that's me done. I'm actually looking forward to it. The idea of not existing seems infinitely better than existing.

Sunday April 8th

Deep in my head, past all the unhappiness and bitterness, there is a tiny part of me that wants to live, that truly believes that if I get this job in belfast, put enough miles between me and everyone and everything I hate, rent a flat, get a dog, make some friends - fuck me, maybe even get a girlfriend...that if will all be okay.

Problem is, the amount of effort to get that...almost seems impossible.

Wednesday April 25th

I'm hesitant to even entertain the idea, out of fear of just deluding myself...but I think things are looking up. My anti-anxiety medication, works. Just simply works.  I can sleep, I can be social, I'm calm, relaxed, normal.

As for my antidepressants, hard to say, but at least with the Valium I'm calm enough to try and make myself happier. Izzy...is talking to me again, I'm still hesitant to suggest she might still want me...but she gave me a hug the other day….let me kiss her on the cheek…

As for the future, I'm less disparaging. I might even have a job lined up. I liked Belfast more than I thought I would, I am actually excited to get to go back.

Wednesday May 16

Re-read my whole journal this morning. It would appear I go through cycles of intense depression, alleviated by increasingly strong medication, only to slip back into depression.

My mood has been all over the place in the last few weeks..up, down, left, right. I've gone from being on top of the world one day to not leaving my bed for 3 days back to being so excited I can't sleep and the remain happy all day….only to feel depressed the next day.

What the fuck? This is just confusing. I'm going to speak to my GP about getting a diagnosis.

Saturday June 1

Depressed like never before, unable to do anything. Like anything, having a shower feels like an achievement these days. Izzy….doesn't want anything to do with me. Made that pretty clear today. I've decided to leave her alone. Just let us drift apart, beats any emotional goodbyes.

I've decided that if I get to belfast, and I don't like the job. The I'm going to kill myself. Not to put any undue pressure  on myself to enjoy it, But if I genuinely don't, and I'm just causing myself more pain by carrying on with things, then I'll end it. Seems sensible.

The GP's new  drugs are shite, don't do anything. May as well be taking paracetamol every morning. I miss the valium I was on, at least that had an effect. In retrospect it appears I was given it to make myself happy in the short term - the GP was literally just trying to stop me from killing myself, in full knowledge that there was fuck all she could do for me in the long term.

I'm not that sad about losing Isabel, she's changed. She's not the girl I loved. She's a less sexy, more confident, and  more optionated person. Its un-nevering. The words "YOU CAN'T GET A DOG JESSE" were said with such religious ferocity that finally I had the moment which I have with almost every other person I've ever met, where I think - you're just another fuckwitt.

I can get a dog, and I will do. Why? Because I need the company, and because I dislike people. She'll never understand that... I'm pretty confident that her only interactions with me at this point are out of guilt. She's worried that if I kill myself she'll feel somehow responsible. I'm tempted to do it just to fuck with her. That way I get my own back + I don't have to live anymore - win win.

Fuck you Izzy. Go be a dumb slag like your sister.

So, now what? I still really need a fuck. Like really badly, and I'm running out of girls to ask. Two have said they just want to be friends. And I think 3, no 4 girls have said they have boyfriends.

Fuck me, I'm actually going to have to go and meet more people. That's going to require a lot of effort. I suppose we'll see how sexually frustrated I can get before I'm forced into pretending to be interested in some moron for long enough to get a blowjob. Urgh. I wish I was gay. So much less effort.

I want to delete my social media...facebook is terrible, I open it every morning hoping for a message from a girl. It's just a glorified extension of my nonexistent sex life. The I scroll down a bit, see a few photos of people enjoying themselves, a few girls i used to know looking hot in tight dresses...facebook is a strange thing.

However, it might mean that I lose contact with the last few friends I have. I'll give them my number in the morning, save all my photos, the go for it. Besides, if I ever want it back I can just make a new profile.

Friday June 8

So, here is me. Best part of a year since I started writing in the journal, not really sure what I've achieved by it. In fact my earliest entries are little different from my last one, bitter, unhappy and desperately searching for answers.

Feeling less suicidal for a change, I think have exams to focus on has helped. Not that I'm doing any revision - purely that the notion of impending exams is occupying my mind adequately enough that I've paused planning my early retirement.  

Fuck my life. Or more accurately fuck my perception of life. My life is easy, if I'm board or a bit lonely - then it should be easy to fix. Just do something, just talk to people. But for whatever reason I hate the idea of talking to people. I particularly hate the idea of leaving the house to do anything. In fact I'm getting pretty great at not doing anything. Its starting to become a lifestyle.

Wake up, swear and be grumpy. Find my laptop, click though some messages or emails or a youtube video to take my mind of the never ending sadness. Stagger over to the bathroom, blink into the mirror and clear my eyes of junk so I can get a proper view of my once athletic body waste away.

Got to the kitchen, find myself disappointed at the lack of nice food. And unmotivated to cook myself even the most simple of breakfasts, If I can be bothers I make myself a cuppa and go back upstairs, turn on the computer and waste few hours.

And the its just filling in time, dabling in a bit of this, googling that, binge watching an iplayer series, feeling angry about Isabel.

Until finally I'm tired enough to sleep, Repeat until suicidal. The worst part about a downward spiral is you can see where it leads, but can't be fucked to do anything about it .

So, I need to keep reminding myself to be myself, to not lose anymore of what I've already lost. I try to talk to people these days...and it's pretty clear I'm out of practice. My personality has been hollowed out, scratched away at. I try to be charming, funny, intellectual. I just can't. I've forgotten how.

Sunday 17th June

Fuck christians. I wasted a good four hours of my life trying to have a proper theological discussion with two morons which turned out to be common homophobes.  Not going to bother seeing them again.

Fuck Frances. She really is an intolerable half wit. I would happily watch her get hit by a car.

Fuck my medication. My as well be taking grapes each morning. It's a sick joke

Fuck A levels. Complete waste of time.

Thursday 21st June.

Now that's just cruel. Must admit I should have seen it coming

Went out for the first time ever, met a great girl, left her in the morning. She said I should message her…..and she doesn't reply.  Absolute fucking classic. I mean at least she had the humanity not to leave me on read. But this is becoming scary. The simple quantity of girls that ignore me after we kiss or go on a date, or have a really nice chat in person. I mean,  well over a dozen - just in the last two months.

Like, how? How am I that attractive in person, and that repulsive over text?  Sounds like an easy solution, just don't be that weird person who sends you loads of unwanted messages. Sorted...except the problem is I don't do that, I'll send a girl one message or one text, and if it becomes clear she isn't going to reply. I just think "ah well, fuck her" and move on. Because that's when sane people do? Isn't it?

Just makes me sad everything I see that little "Active 1 minute ago" sign however about the message I sent two days ago. I mean its normal to get rejected now and then and its normal to feel a little hurt. But it can't be normal to have a success rate of like 10%. And that's a success rate which includes all the girls that asked just to be friends, or that take 4 days to reply but at least that they do, along with the 3 girls who have boyfriends, not failing to include the ones that never replied to my messages, but at least felt guilty enough to chat to me in person when I bumped into them, and of course the girl that turned about to be an actual prostitute with daddy-issues. You can't make this stuff up.

So the problem is clear, but I have no idea how to fix it. I mean, I could just never open my messenger app again until I get a message. At least that would put an end to the "l wonder why ----- hasn't replied " moment.

This is why I wanted to delete my fb...just anything to get away from the rejection cycle.

Oh well.

Friday 22nd June.

My life is strange. Not good or bad objectively, but definitely odd. I'm convinced other people don't live like this. My mind is just a dull cycle of the same questions, week by week, month by month:

Why can't I sleep when I'm tired?

Why can't I socialise when I'm lonely?

Why can't I work out when I want to?

Why haven't I got any friends?

Why do I pretend to like the few people that like me?

Why do I miss having a girlfriend so much?

Why do I constantly think about killing myself?

Why does talking to my own mother make me feel like cutting my ears off?

Why doesn't anyone understand?

Why I'm I alone?

Why, why, why….no answers. No great awakening. No cure. No happiness. Just existence.

Sunday 24th June

How dare you. How dare you bring me into this world. How dare you torture me mind, my wonderful mind. I could have changed nations.

I am separated from myself by a glass mountain. And my old self would have climbed that mountain. But I can't get to him, and he can't hear me.

My mind is crippled. My mind.

How dare you, how dare you let Kelcie walk away. She was a drop of peace in a ocean of pain. A one night stand where we didn't even have sex, just talked. Talked about the world, I told her how I would change it. I didn't just open up my heart to that girl, I opened my mind. And she walked away.

A cold towel on a broken leg. No cure, but a momentary sensation on peace. And the to loose that peace...the fire than remains underneath returns. The pure rage, it's consumed me. I'm not hollow, but a human furnace that burns on in the night.

No one can rob my of my humanity. No one can take away my mind, my mind that is oceans deep and and continents wide. I am a husk, but that husk remembers what it once was.

I will fight this, I will fight this until the day I die. Because if I get back, even for one day. Then it will have been worth it.

So fucking try me.

There are more natural way to kill depression,

1.       Exercise, train your brain and train your body.

2.       Eat healthy and eat at proper time

3.       Be scheduled

4.       Get good hours of sleep

5.       Take challenges

6.       Take responsibilities

7.       Talk to your friends and family

8.       Take part in adventures and daily day work

Having an I.Q. of 140 according to Mensa International, I began to utilize my intelligence according to much higher levels of philosophical, ideological, sociological and theological perspectives of existence trying to keep a stable balance of a foundational equilibrium between Optimism, Idealism, Rationalism and Existentialism. After integrating myself with genuine intellectuality and original sophistication I decided to upgrade my mental and physical abilities with personality and behavior in order to improve myself. I wanted to improve my education, qualification, sophistication and facilitation along with my skills, abilities, talents and potentials. 

I believe that in order to become an integral member of society that puts a positive impact on the world or the path towards goodness is achievable by understanding and learning the difference between good and evil or right or wrong and using that knowledge or information to formulate your morality by which you can build your empathy, altruism, compassion and kindness in an unbiased fashion that is not dependant on a desire or a wish for a reward or recognition or respect or retribution or even redemption. I am a multidimensional allrounder with multiple personality positive types and traits. I have got open mindedness to experience; I am very conscientious, extraverted, showing high tendency of agreeableness, with humility, balanced self esteem, balanced tendency to get perfectionism and I utilize all forms of learning styles like synthesis analysis, methodical study, fact retention and elaborative processing. 

I also have a fairly balanced personality in regards with sensation, intuition, thought, feeling, emotion, warmth, reasoning, liveliness, consciousness, conscientiousness, social boldness, sensitivity, and vigilance. I am a Type A personality with all four temperaments like Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and Phlegmatic joined together in a multifarious network that projects my behavior in different permutations and combinations of random and complex variables that display my identity in a unique or different manner in specific kind of situations, but majority of the time I make an effort or take an initiative to synchronize with my surrounding environment without negotiating the foundational structure of my moral integrity. I try to practice the seven virtues of chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility. 

I make an effort and take initiative in integrating and assimilating myself with positive emotions like affection, confidence, contentment, courage, curiosity, desire, empathy, gratitude, happiness, hope, interest, joy, love, passion, trust and wonder.

I am living among people who have a narrow perspective of life. I believe you should not underestimate other people and not judge others lest you be judged yourself. I didn’t get time to indulge myself in the finer things in life because I was too busy working hard in progressing and evolving into a more knowledgeable person who understands the difference between good and evil and right and wrong and uses empathy and altruism as well as compassion and kindness to make this world a better place. I wasn’t allowed to watch television or film or use computer or internet in my student days and I have never had fun in my life. 

I have worked in 8 organizations out of which 2 were of international level. I am writing Doctoral thesis and post-doctoral research papers for Engineers, Doctors, Scientists, Technologists, Physicists, Mathematicians, Chemists and Biologists. I am the founder of my "Martial Arts Institution And Organization". I invented the first Robot Doctor on artificial intelligence that works better than a human doctor in diagnosing minor diseases and illnesses, I am the founder of my own rock band, worked in radio as a DJ and RJ, wrote an encyclopedia book on Martial Arts. I have 8 black belts in different styles of martial arts like Kung fu, Taekwondo, Aikido, Jujutsu, Karate, Ninjutsu, Savate and Muay Thai Kick Boxing, I am 7 times national champion in Gymnastics and 9 times national champion in Kung fu, 2 times national selector and 2 times national judge, I have written my first rock album and my first rap album and I am also a maker of documentaries and films so what I am trying to say is that I didn’t make all of these achievements while sitting in my room as some arrogantly ignorant and obliviously naïve people think.

In order to become a genuinely intellectual and originally sophisticated individual, I had to study really firm and had to work very hard to read thousands of books on a multidimensional allrounder level on a diverse variety of all academic disciplines ranging between arts, humanities, social sciences, pure sciences, natural sciences and applied sciences to understand how this world really works. I believe that in order to formulate new ideas you have to join the old ones together in a fusion hybrid to gain broader perspective. I believe that in order to invent new things you have to indulge yourself in innovation, creativity, research, development, exploration, discovery, manufacturing and design. 

This is how I live my life and I am very successful in it. Remember success is not measured by the amount of money that we have accumulated but by the amount of contribution that we have made to society by helping our fellow man. I have done plenty with the grace of God. That’s why I am affiliated with 8 NGOs. I know that I have worked very hard in my life studying and working 16 to 18 hours a day and after being an educated, qualified, sophisticated, facilitated individual with high level of skills, abilities, talents, potentials, wisdom and intelligence and massive stages of knowledge and information from all fields and departments of academic disciplines, I faced a lot of setbacks and things may not have appeared to work out for me at this period of time but the game is not over until it’s over right? 

But people just don’t stop being idiots and don’t learn how to admit their mistake and apologize for it or grow up or wake up. Unfortunately my family and my relatives do not appreciate my efforts and initiatives because they like to have a good time making fun of me and also because they want to live in their pornographic fantasy that they are the only ones who are working hard while the rest of the people are just busy violating their fathers, brothers, husbands, sons, mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. I guess haters are always going to hate no matter what you do.

I like to indulge myself with innovation, creativity, research, development, exploration, discovery, manufacturing and design, but unfortunately I have limited options available over here. Let me tell you what the culture of my country is. I belong to a conservative country whose dominant religion is Islam. Now before I say anything else I don’t want anybody to stereotypically label me. There are 50 Muslim countries in the world with 1.8 billion Muslim followers and all of them are not like the way I described them; I am only talking about the people in my surrounding environment regardless of their religion, race, color or creed, but mentioning this information was a necessary application. The reason that I mentioned this truth or fact was that I want to explain how religious extremism can victimize you. 

I belonged to a religious conservative preacher saint family who raised me up like an altar boy. I was taught the foundations of my religion. The five pillars of Islam, Faith, Prayer, Charity, Fasting and Pilgrimage. I did all of them like a devout Muslim following the Quran, Tafseer, Tushreeh, Hadith, Sunnah, Seerah, Fiqah; all the laws and principles, all the verses from the scripture , the guidelines, the Fatwas, Philosophy, Ideology, Sociology, Theology, and even exegesis of religion; I am an unofficial student of comparative religion so I have studied other faiths as well including all major religions from Islam to Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, Jainism, Taoism And all other major religions as well. 

I integrated fully with my religion, cultures, traditions, ethics, morals, etiquettes, manners, rules, regulations, principles, values, norms, decorum and system. I was trained like a gentleman from the Victorian era Renaissance period. I followed every instruction or protocol down to the last letter. I was an exemplary Muslim and then I started getting victimized by the new wave of modernism in my society, and when I began to became less conservative and more liberal of my own free will even that was not enough because then my country started going through another level of hypocrisy and a new wave of extremist islamization started infecting my country like an epidemic or pandemic. It spread like a disease or illness that had no bounds and I was then victimized because of my liberal views.

I used to have a beard and I wore a traditional dress taking care of my decency and protected myself from all kinds of vices and sins. My friends used to say that this boy is so pious and saintly that angels perform ablution from his sweat. But then things changed and I was known as a loser who is a eunuch or a hermaphrodite who doesn’t know the ways of modern living. I was part of a peaceful organization dedicated to spread the message of Islam; the moderate or balanced version of it at least, it was obviously a preaching organization and I was its most forward member but then I began to notice signs of extremism and that created a problem. I was born Muslim but I did not just take Islam as my heritage dictated I embraced it of my own free will. Islam is a wonderful religion if you know the right version of it.

The females in our jurisdiction are programmed in the same way. Males are portrayed as potential rapists or like dogs waiting to pounce on them. A female is led to believe that males have no natural theory of selection meaning they do not have any standards and they have zero options so they would go for any female since every female is the most beautiful gorgeous hot and sexy girl in the whole world for all time so even a 95 year old woman who has decayed into a skeleton would flatter herself like that and would actually have an army of her family and relatives protecting her more than a high profile target like the British Queen because obviously every man dreams of raping a 95 year old woman right? 

Even when she is going to the hospital for a routine medical health analysis. But the most ironic part of this situation is that the massive level of confusion and conformity that is plaguing our nation includes people with diversity and versatility in such a way that one female cousin of mine would stay 20 feet away from me because I am a male while the other would get upset with me if I don’t kiss her in front of 20 males. Yeah, try to figure that one out. A female is taught to believe that if she speaks to any male other than her father, brother, husband or son God would strike her with lightning and she would burst into flames. I was taught that if I even looked at a female I was going to be vaporized with lightning speed. Even thinking about females was considered a sin.

I liked girls from a young age and I always wanted to get married and have a family. Who doesn’t, which brings us to the issue of marriage. Before I tell you my story further, let me tell you how the system of marriage works in my country. It is obviously none other than the system of arranged marriage integrated down to its roots in any patriarchal society. The definition of arranged marriage according to my ideological philosophy is a hypocritical mechanism of a prostitution industry integrated and assimilated by the shallow and superficial rankings and ratings of financial situations and reproductive organs. 

Initially the system wasn’t so bad because it was based on morality and the priorities were straight, selections were made according to suitability, a boy or a girl or a man or a woman were selected according to personality and behavior rather than wealth or title. It was a great facility that was useful to the people who are not able to find a suitable spouse on their own. Now this system has been corrupted as well and the lust and greed for power and influence has destroyed the foundations of this great institution.

If you even remotely have the luxury to think that you have got a fair opportunity of having the right to have an idea of a few standards and options in getting a suitable worthy marriage partner or even sending a proposal to a potential spouse in my country; you need to know that it has become more difficult than getting into NASA. Trust me I was looking at the requirements for the organization and I am eligible for it but you would be surprised that even a person like me with a great resume is getting trouble finding a wife. Marriage is now getting out of the range of all the people in the vicinity of the middle classes every second of everyday due to the misbalance in the salary and inflation with the demand and supply of a female’s ever raising expensive and luxurious tastes and her selfishness and materialism. 

First the only way you can get married in my country is through arranged marriage most of the time; that is where you can send or receive the best proposals; after that you’re options keep on getting lesser and with the passage of time goes down to zero. Your whole life could get destroyed just because you breathed in the wrong manner. Arranged marriages are now done in my country according to fame, fortune, wealth, property, assets, possessions, materials, politics, power and influence. For example a female does not want a man she wants a god. She would want him to have a huge set of muscles and he should be as pretty as a Hollywood actor otherwise you don’t stand a chance. 

Majority of the times the rich guys always win and take away the prettiest ones and then the rest are left for the lower classes. Yes, our society runs on class systems and status quos. Rank, position, standing, grade, category, group, type, order, level or stage they are all taken into measurement according to a design algorithm or a mathematical formula. Along with that religion, race, color, creed, faction, family, district, town, province, state, city, sector even neighborhood affects your variables in the statistical probability of your selection process.

I am an eligible bachelor but I was rejected just because my sister got divorced; imagine that. That’s right; if any sibling inside your family gets divorced the rest of the members will not get a fair opportunity to send or receive proposals, it is an immediate disqualification. Yeah, try to wrap your head around that one. I know! If there is a hell on the face of this entire planet, it is this place. It is absolutely unfair and unjust, but that’s how a hypocritical society works. If you want to send a good proposal to a good family, you need to have at least a 90 by 90 square feet plot on which you should build a 16 bedroom mansion, with a front lawn and a back yard, 2 vehicles like a sporty and a luxury one, 8 servants and 480000 bucks per month salary. 

In a poor country like mine where thousands of people are dying due to starvation and living on less than a dollar a day, that is quite a luxurious demand of a female spouse from her male provider especially at the age of 24 when he has just post graduated from university. Nobody in the whole world can fulfill this demand on his own unless he is the son of a rich tycoon which proves my earlier points. What does the girl do? Nothing.

Females in my country are used only as pleasure machines and off spring producing industrial factories. The faith and belief of a girl revolves around money and penis; in fact she measures the size of your penis according to the size of your bank account. She only respects 2 types of men; one whose money their under and the other whose penis their under. You have to wear a Ralph Lauren and come out of a Ferrari to be taken seriously in the higher classes and that’s where I have been all my life, now trying to fit in there is getting absolutely impossible and I can’t go anywhere else because I would not be welcome or would not even fit in because of the limitation in the mindset of their traditional circle. 

They only bring in people of their own kind and my kind is already quite different. Majority of the females in my part of town just eat, drink, sleep, excrete, have sex, make babies and do shopping. They treat you impolitely and furiously all the time and they behave horribly and terribly if things are not going according to their will.

I always take great care of my mental and physical health and fitness, but it just doesn’t matter because at the end of the day people are still going to judge you on your natural weight and height on which you have no control. That is what I don’t understand that why in this modern day and age we are still so shallow and superficial that we judge people on their physical appearances or on any factor that you don’t even have any control over. I didn’t have any control over my sister’s relationship and neither did she yet I got punished for it. Now people have a problem with my anatomical mechanics. 

I have got an impressive sport record even then people think that I am weak because I have an athletic figure which is lesser than the ideal figure of WWE Wrestlers like Dwayne Johnson. Unfortunately I don’t want to become Dwayne Johnson so my natural theory of selection becomes unacceptable. Girls in my world have been brainwashed by all kinds of international media who dictates how beauty should look like but even though genuinely intellectual and originally sophisticated individuals know that beauty is a matter of relative perspective they still fall back into the same primitive patterns of finding suitable mates according to weight and height as their ancestors did thousands of years ago. My weight and height is medium and that is supposed to be ideal according to the field of medicine but it’s just not good enough for females in my jurisdiction of the world.

If you look at the history of beauty, the perspectives have modified themselves on different shades and angles. 10000 years ago the concept of beauty was totally different from what we have now; a male was thought to be handsome if he had sensitive features and an athletic figure and men of larger sizes were considered unattractive and repulsive. If you need some evidence you can look at the art work from even the renaissance period and you would be able to see like as in the paintings of David and Goliath. David was made to look beautiful by his sensitive features and his athletic figure where as Goliath was made to look unattractive by showing him as a huge hulk type figure with more broader and sharper jaw line features. 

If you look at the famous statue of The David designed by Michelangelo you would notice that he also has an athletic figure. I in fact look just like the statue but unfortunately what was considered a sign of beauty is now unacceptable in this day and age. I guess I just ended up in the wrong timeline. Point is that there is no specific formula for measuring beauty. Scientists have tried to measure it by putting a theorem on the facial anatomy and giving it a value of 1.618. 1.618 is known as Phi (and also as the Golden Ratio, Golden Mean, Golden Section and Divine Proportion) and its mathematical cousin, the Fibonacci sequence.

Things get even more complicated when you start facing problems with your job, career, business and trade. Point is I make lots of money but it is just not that good enough for my type of people. Females in my group practice what is called hypergamy which is the action of marrying a person of a superior caste or class. This puts my situation in trouble obviously. On top of that my proposals usually get rejected because the statistical probability of the future prospects of my job do not achieve an acceptable value meaning that I am being targeted for something that might have a logical basis but has no moral value. 

How can we predict what going to happen in the next 20 years when we don’t even know what is going to happen in the next 20 seconds. I thought a perfect relationship could be achieved by the mental and physical compatibility that synchronizes with each other’s personality and behavior at a simultaneous quantum or period of time and space. It is not a high standard but quite a simple one in which you just have to be yourself. I am not saying that money is not important but there should be a balance between your analytical and emotional paradigms and between your robotics and humanity. 

I know this kind of thing doesn’t happen everywhere because then we would all be in trouble. I have worked and done business with foreigners and I have talked with them and asked them lots of questions in regards with dating and marriage and they tell me a few similar things from my part of town but not so messed up as my situation.

From what I have been told you don’t need to make an appointment with the security council to issue a written permission to pass a bill in the senate to offer an opportunity to interact with a member of an opposite sex. In order to talk to a girl you don’t have to plead with the father for permission. You can approach a girl and just say "What’s Up" and that would be just fine as she would not shoot you in the head. You don’t need to fulfill the 12 tasks of Hercules before getting a date with a nice girl.

I always imagined and dreamed myself of one day being a groom and seeing my bride walk down the path towards me, making my parents proud and becoming an acceptable and respectable member of my society. Giving my parents grandsons and forwarding my legacy, but I guess that is not going to happen. I have been stereotypically labeled as a failed person who has inadequate masculinity and does not deserve any happiness or peace in his life. The only thing left for me now is a slow and painful death; a life of despair and loneliness.

I have become a subject of humor in my relatives. They absurdly find it quite hilarious that I am still a virgin. I do not have a girl friend. I do not have the option of dating. The only way I can get near a girl is if I get married to her and that is not going to happen. There are a few other facilities but those are also not applicable and would not work because they still need the permission of your parents. My parents have technically disowned me because I wasn’t able to become the God child they always wanted. I live alone in a flat betrayed and rejected by the people I trusted and loved the most.

I know how to solve these problems but taking advice from a professional is also recommended. They say even a signal to a wise person is good enough. That is what I need; I need to have the proper guidance and counseling tools to point me in the right direction which does not compromise my moral integrity. Point is that I know how to solve this problem in 24 different kinds of ways but I don’t want to lose my humanity in the process. I want to solve this but also remain truthful and honest about it. There are many people in the world who have gotten many things in life through unfair means and after having everything they still feel empty on the inside. They try to shield their hollowness by bridging the gap inside their personalities and behaviors by over compensating for their inferiority complex and low self esteem. I don’t want to be one of them.

Another thing that I find quite fascinating is the insanity of looking down on somebody because of their sexual orientation or inclination. The most interesting of the ideology whose philosophical implications are tremendous is insulting, patronizing, disrespecting and humiliating someone on the basis of their sexuality stage like the phase of virginity. I have absolutely no idea why people make fun of virgins. It has no logical or rational basis. Everybody is born a virgin. It is not up to them to decide who, what, when, where, why, which and how are they going to lose it and even if it is, shouldn’t it be their prerogative. 

Virginity is an idea of again labeling your sexual status which is your private affair. Nobody should have the right to admonish or isolate you on that. It has become a symbol of discrimination in the whole world. The most shocking thing is that it has become a symbol of ridicule even in Islamic Muslim conservative countries like mine where fornication, adultery, promiscuity and infidelity are regarded as the most repulsive acts of human vices. Even then there are people in my neighborhood who look down upon me because I am still a virgin.

That doesn’t make any sense when I do not have the luxury of even having a fair chance at interacting with a member of an opposite sex since they are all covered up in 24 layers of clothing like a Burqa or Hijab and locked in the 4 walls of the house; well at least most of them. If even I was born in a western setting or a modern secular liberal free society of a developed country, it would still be a despicable act of self indulgent behavior or narcissistic pretentiousness if someone would harass or victimize somebody based on their sexual activity. It is like attacking somebody for not living on your base instinct of eating insects for proteins so that you can have the ultimate level of survival training as a benchmark for proving your masculinity and success as a person of a higher order of society. 

It is like being violent with someone because he or she is not using their reproductive organs according to your preferences or standards of life that you have created to measure something that does not have any basis of measurement for anything.

There is no requirement in any field or department of any academic discipline or any job, career, business or trade that you are supposed to lose virginity. No religion, cultures, traditions, ethics, morals, etiquettes, manners, rules, regulations, principles, values, norms, decorum or system requires you to lose your virginity. In fact it is considered a sign of decency and nobility. There is a double standard in this as well. If you are a virgin male you are looked down upon as a failure or a loser, while if you are a female virgin you are considered quite desirable. Although this also has 4 combinations this can be a good thing or a bad thing for both males and females depending upon the place or area of the world they are living in. 

On the other hand if you are a promiscuous male then you are considered to be quite accomplished even if you may not have done anything else, but if you are a promiscuous female then you are considered to be a dirty slut. It doesn’t make any sense; it’s like a Shakespearean play. To love or not to love; that is the question. Even if you do decide to have sex then who should be the person. Obviously then you have to analyze the standards and options, which then brings you back to square one.

No amount of success in your life will solve this problem because people will still think that there is something wrong with you. Newton, the most influential scientist in the world died a virgin, but I don’t see anybody throwing his work out of the window. Jesus was a virgin; I don’t see any anthropologist, archaeologist, historian, poet, writer, philosopher, ideologist, sociologist or theologist targeting him on that quality. What if you do lose your virginity; what then, does that prove anything except that now you are not a virgin anymore and would that solve our problem; not really, because then you would need a regular or a permanent relationship which again has double standards and relative perspectives. 

Losing virginity does not signify how much regularity of sex you have and neither can anybody measure that according to any standard, because there is no equipment, instrument, gauge or device that can measure the level of satisfaction or fulfillment or happiness or peace of your relationship. Neither there is any ranking or rating or classification or categorization that can prove that your sexual proficiency in synchronization with your mental aptitude of your ultimate standard has given you the best sex you can ever have with someone. What you do with your partner mentally or physically is only acceptable according to your own understanding of your idea of a romantic involvement which is only acceptable to you on your own grounds. 

Jean Simmons claims to have made love to 4800 women in his 24 year music career; Justin Bieber has had sex with 40 women up till the age of 20, but then how do we measure the standards of those women and what was the satisfaction level of the sexual interactivity. So what I am trying to say is how much sex an average person should get in his lifetime to become socially acceptable. I know that there are some people out there who are genuinely in love and are having the best relationship but I also believe that sex is something that people usually get very less and it fades away really quickly. 

Why do you think that majority of the musicians are in business for such a long time. Why do you think that majority of the top 50 billboard songs always revolve around sex. Just think about it. The conclusions that people draw from somebody’s virginity are also very ridiculous. If somebody is a virgin, it may be due to different reasons on which he or she may not have any control or it might not be their fault to really begin with, in the first place anyway. Just think about it, if people get to know or find out that you are a virgin it is automatically judged in the most harsh manner imaginable. 

It is like the worst sin ever committed in human history more brutal than Adolph Hitler’s World War II that killed 48 million people. If you are a virgin you are qualified to be stereotypically labeled by the whole world on an international level according to a similar tradition of unorthodox logic, rationale, nature or instinct that you are a horrible and a terrible person who deserves to be lynched, staked, crucified, burned or vaporized due to the reason that you might be a freaky, geeky, dorky, nerdy person who might be a pervert and if he is a pervert then he might be a stalker and if he is a stalker then he might be a molester and if he is a molester then he might be a pedophile and if he is a pedophile then he might be a rapist so we should just kill him before he does anything wrong. That is how the stereotyping average regular human mind works.  

When you lose everything and hit rock bottom, one of the last things that go before darkness takes over you is none other than your faith. I am hanging on the last ray of hope and final string of faith. I have seen that in this loveless life of mine, everything is going to go against you. Your friends will betray you, your family will disown you, your mentors will admonish you, your teachers will humiliate you, your relatives will disrespect you, your partners will deceive you, your government would abandon you and your nation would vilify you because you did not synchronize with their hypocritical principles. 

On top of that your job, career, business and trade get destroyed, you start suffering from mental and physical diseases and illnesses, you lose you wealth and then your health, your fate goes rogue and your destiny becomes illusive, you become partially blind with floaters and then you start suffering from high levels of anxiety, depression, nervousness and tension and the doctors give you a death sentence that if you don’t get treated you might actually die of a nervous breakdown or a tendency to commit suicide. So if a person unfortunately gets involved in this kind of situation, I think that his faith would be one of the many things that would get negatively affected.

Let’s put this thought into perspective; the ultimate question that every individual asks is why did this happen to me. The answer has many variables but the simplest one is that you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and your heredity and genetics were screwed from the very beginning resulting in a design that was following a destructive pattern of entropy from the foundation of its origin. But then the God variable comes in the form of divine intervention projecting the ideology of changing your fate by making your own destiny by showing your own resolve and praying to God that he will pardon your sins and reward you of your righteous deeds and take away your pain and suffering and make you whole again and then give you back your health and then your wealth and then your success and your purpose and your love for morality and humanity. 

But as it turns out, this pornographic fantasy does not work that way. I was actually betrayed by my Islamic clerics who deceived me with their lies that if I pray hard enough, my problems and my troubles will go away. That did not happen and things just got worse no matter how hard I tried to rectify them. So a person asks what in the name of God’s heaven is going on. If this life is an examination then why would God help us in the first place anyway and if we are going to get what is written in our fate then what is the point of praying in the first place anyway. This makes you feel disappointed as you feel like God has forsaken you. 

The most genuine and original form of Islamic guilt. You feel as though you either did not do enough service for him or maybe he just doesn’t love you that much. My whole life has been a Muay Thai Kick Boxing Tournament with God every second of everyday for 24 hours since the day I was born up till the day I die. I should probably get this written on my tombstone. Nothing has ever been that easy for me. Even the simplest of things have proved themselves to be nightmares because you have to fight your way through 10 barricades of different types of obstacles for fulfilling one task that should take just one second but somehow ends up taking the whole bloody year because you’re living in a hellish place with stupid people. 

I feel like Odysseus fighting twelve Gods at the same time. I just don’t find that fair but as it turns out life is not fair. I believe that if we are progressing and evolving through our understanding of our purpose and existence then I believe a higher from of intelligence like God who is our creator would also be progressing and evolving like us but on a higher level. God just looks to me as a research scientist who is playing a game of chess with us as his pawns. The only difference is that we have got free will. The important question is that what my purpose is in his grand design. How do I decipher the design matrix of God so that I can transcend from my inquisitive state and move forward with my spiritualism?  

A person of faith like me who’s only friend left was none except God and now he feels as though even He has forsaken him brings forth the ultimate purity of loneliness. Loneliness is not the absence of communication; it is the absence of intimacy. Everybody wants to have a friendship or relationship that has a foundation built on either benefits or pleasure or humanity or goodness that helps you become a better person and makes you want to strive ahead to live life to the fullest even if the odds are stacked up against you. Unfortunately according to my experience, I have noticed that you are born alone and you die alone, and nobody cares about you or is coming for you. 

After a little while everything just seems pointless; you lose your inspiration and motivation and everything becomes so meaningless in such a way that all of your ambitions, passions, targets and goals just don’t really matter anymore. It just gets so difficult to get up in the morning and life starts feeling like a burden. Your sensations, intuitions, thoughts and feelings become warped and you integrate with anxiety, depression, nervousness and tension. Work is no longer fun and fun is more work. You don’t feel like enjoying your life when you feel miserable all the time. You start thinking like a dark, negative, cynical and pessimistic brute. 

Everything is so blurry and everybody is so fake. You feel empty or hollow. You don’t want to indulge yourself in anything because it has no meaning. You start hating everything and everybody. It is like a downward spiral. You’re afraid that something bad is always going to happen no matter what you do because you are just stuck in a fix that you can’t get out of. It feels like you’re trapped. It feels like you’re in a quicksand and you are slowly drowning. You start thinking about death and sometimes you just wish that you were buried in your grave. Sometimes you just wish that you went to sleep and never woke up. 

You don’t feel alive anymore and you see only the whole world burning down in front of you. Why am I feeling this way? It doesn’t make any sense. Should I reprogram myself into becoming a robot again? I have got 2 options in my life. I can either become the most indestructible and unbreakable organic machine devoid of any sensitive emotion and lose my humanity or gain my humanity to lose my power and gain a world of pain and suffering only to feel alive and find a meaningful purpose of my existence. Do I submit to my pride and live in loneliness or do I surrender to love and live in pain? 

Who am I and what am I doing here? These questions have always bothered me. There is no easy answer. Do I live alone for the rest of my life and never have to worry about hurting or getting hurt by anybody ever again without any distractions or limitations? Or do I find somebody to have a meaningful relationship with, only to know that she wasn’t the one that I was looking for and everything that she pretended to be or I thought that she had was just a mirage or an illusion, enough to make me realize that my whole bondage was a dream in fact my whole sensations, intuitions, thoughts and feelings towards her were just a projection of a fantasy that wasn’t real? 

Then the ultimate question originates about how do I find out what is real in this world? Do I take a leap of faith or measure the hope of getting real love according to a formula revolving around a theory from all forms of natural sciences like physics, mathematics, chemistry or biology? Would I ever be able to calculate who, what, when, where, why, which and how would I be able to acquire what real love is or should, could or would be? What is love in the first place anyway? According to the oxford dictionary and the explanation in philosophy books, love is a thought of unselfish loyalty and benevolent concern for the well being of another person. 

But that is just the tip of the iceberg. Love is so much more than that and no matter how hard you try you can’t really calculate it, because it is embedded deep into the core of our consciousness with different permutations and combinations of random and complex variables that are changing so much faster than the speed of light that even time reverses itself in the fourth dimension. I guess love and time have got an intricate relationship that goes beyond our truth and reality. Which triggers my desire to learn more about it in such a way that it becomes an obsession, until my mind wants to be a part of it because it gives me a reason to live. 

Am I being illogical or am I following my instincts for the first time in my life since becoming self aware? Is love really the defining factor of my humanity that is rejuvenating my morality or vice versa or my digital circuits have been integrated with an anomaly or are facing a temporary glitch? Is love really a self aware conscious thought or is it just a biochemical instability or hormonal imbalance that assimilates feelings of reproduction for the survival of the species. The more mysterious this emotion is the more it intrigues me and its fascination invokes the desire for its acquisition. 

Is it too much to ask from this unforgiving world? Am I not just trying to be known to someone special and be important for her so that I can fit the missing pieces of the puzzle and find a broader purpose for my existence? Is it so hard for this world to accommodate me? Would I ever be able to achieve my target and reach my destination? I guess only I can answer this question.

No matter how hard I try to resist this emotion due to my bitter experiences, it still finds me and when I give in to it, it just tears me apart again. But the beauty of it is that you always want it even more. The irony is that it is so difficult to find and even if you do find it, it will ultimately fade away. But I still try very hard to put myself in a situation or position to prepare for it again so that I can take the first step towards beginning this journey, even though life itself is not giving me this opportunity and fate itself is trying its level best to stop me. Love is kind of like a journey of finding yourself; when you find yourself, you find love because they are the same thing. How do I find love in this unforgiving environment that I am living in? That is the ultimate question.

My friend’s story was quite similar with a disastrous ending. He was a good person; did all the right things and made all the right moves. He couldn’t get a job and nobody tried to help him, instead his family blamed him for everything and nothing he did was ever good enough. 

On top of that his other friends made fun of his virginity and told him what a loser he was because they got married and were making love to beautiful women while he was a useless and worthless piece of garbage who had absolutely no future prospects. He started working as usual in a low paying dead end job and with no labor laws and no designation of minimal wages, the organization exploited his situation and made him work down to the bone until his mental and physical health and fitness started getting irreparable damage.

They paid him absolutely nothing even when his internship had finished and he was a permanent employee. Instead he was paying them to gain experience. That is how corrupt our government and private sector are. He was doing 4 jobs at one time in which he was getting less than minimal pay for 2 jobs from which he was paying the other 2 jobs related to his qualification field so that he can progress in them by gaining experience in these jobs and so that he could build a future. Even after working like a zombie robot and getting treated like an animal he stayed strong and prayed for things to get better but to no avail. 

After working like a slave for these monsters it was all in vain and his efforts were futile. He was barely able to afford his rent and his family had disowned him and with no facilities like social security, medical insurance, career counseling, unemployment stipend or welfare support which are considered as necessities in developed countries but are luxuries in underdeveloped fourth world countries like ours, he was headed towards an armageddon which he won’t be able to survive. In our country even electricity, gas, water, phone and internet are considered as luxuries. 

We get sometimes 24 to 48 hours of load shedding or power blackouts in our country. Finally the alienation and isolation took his toll on him and he couldn’t take it anymore. He decided one day to finish it and ended up committing suicide. All he ever wanted was to love someone and be loved in return of his and her own free will. Was that too much of a high demand? In millions of women available, not one could find an eligible bachelor like him worthy enough? Does he necessarily have to finish the 12 tasks of Hercules? Does he really need to become a God? I don’t want to end up like my friend.

I always wanted to have a normal life even though being a normal person is such a relative perspective. I don’t even know who I am anymore and when you don’t know who you are, you don’t know what do you want, where do you want to go, when are you going to get there, why are you doing this, which option is the best and how are you going to solve it. I don’t know whether I want to be with anybody anymore. Should I be alone and preserve my humanity or should I be rejected and lose my morality. How do I know and how do I tell? Is it moral to be alone or is it inhumane to be rejected? 

I know people can learn how to survive alone if they make a conscious decision or if they have no choice. I still have a choice but do I really deserve to be with someone? Do the rules of philosophy or psychology dictate that I need to be with someone to progress and evolve? And if they do then what is the logic behind it? And if it is settled then how do I be with someone? I haven’t been taught courtship or companionship. I do not have a doctoral thesis or theoretical experience in the field of female sexuality, dating, sociology, psychology or philosophy with which I could develop interpersonal relationships. 

I have never even talked to a girl in my life except in situations in which there was a work requirement in university or office and I live in a conservative country. I am 28 years old and I have never even looked, talked, walked, touched or kissed a girl in my whole life. I mean all of this in terms of having a meaningful communication or a thoughtful connection. After living a straight and formal life, I have been stereotypically labeled by my family and friends as a homosexual, a womanizer, a pedophile and a rapist but the ironic or poetic part of this situation is that I am a virgin. My mental and physical health and fitness are going down which means that if this deterioration keeps progressing on a mathematical formula then I am probably going to die a virgin.

All I need is a fair chance at life; is it too much to ask? I don’t even know how it feels like to be touched by a woman. It’s not like I don’t have money; I do, but I am not a super rich guy and it is unfair that I need to have huge loads of money so that I can buy a wife for myself. Majority of the girls in my country do not use dating websites in fact they don’t even use the internet mainly because of the reason that they are either illiterate or too backward for using that technology. The few girls that do use the internet and even fewer who might use a dating website have got even higher standards of demands from their potential spouses. Meaning at the end of the day in order to put the long story in a shorter version, there isn’t much left to deal with in the first place to even begin with anyway. There is a massive shortage of women and even a larger shortage of good women.

I do not have a degree in psychology or sexuality and I have absolutely no idea how to talk to a woman as I have lived in a guarded and segregated environment. How would I be able to make a woman fall in love with me when I don’t even know how to talk to them? They are totally different from us in many fields and departments of life. One of my biggest fears in life now is loneliness but on top of that are also people. How can I fight both fears that are polar opposites and are working against each other to facilitate my safe zone but also torturing my preservation of a healthy life. 

Am I supposed to just survive or do I deserve to be happy? Do people like us never find peace and keep on suffering in pain till the last breath of their lives? Should I just give up all hope and learn to live with my demons or is there a way out? Should I do the right thing and feel miserable or should I do the wrong thing and think that I am satisfied? Should I do the wrong thing and think that I am doing it for good or should I do the right thing and feel that I am doing it for evil? Should I rather be hated for telling the truth or be loved for telling falsehood? Should I rather prefer to live in a reality that is a nightmare or an illusion that is a dream?

10 Steps to helping you beat the Depression :

• Get moving. Studies show that those who take some form of exercise daily have a better chance at lowering their depression. “Getting sweaty in your spare time means you’ll be twice as likely to stave off depression than someone who doesn’t” declares the Daily Mail. Take a walk, borrow a neighbour’s dog, go out with a friend, do stretches – it doesn’t have to be a strenuous work out, nor do you need to spend money on joining a gym.
   
• Fix your diet. A diet high in junk food, alcohol and smoking can cause feelings of sluggishness, lead to constipation and other digestive disorders. Dietary issues can lead to feeling unwell and depressed. Replacing your diet with highly nutritious food such as vegetables and fruit, whole grains and whole foods will pay dividends. Get yourself a colonic for a good clear out, then drink more water! Have a glass of water beside you to sip during the day. Drinking fruit juice does not replace your vitamins in the same way that a piece of fruit (with all the fibre content) will. Fruit juice can lead to weight gain – it is fluid without the goodness as all the goodness has been processed away! Alcohol increases your susceptibility to depression, *even* if you drink when you’re happy or celebrating. Alcohol increases your susceptibility to weight gain. Calories in a bag of crisps (35g): 180kcal. Calories in a large glass of red wine (250 mls): 191. Often we consume both at the same time! Weight gain can lead to depression! So “fixing your diet” will not only improve your depression but it will help you lose weight.
   
• Get sociable, engage with people. Although this doesn’t necessarily fight off feelings of loneliness, having a social support network can definitely help with beating feelings of depression. However this does mean *engaging* with people, sharing your story and seeking support. People love to help and support others in the right context.
   
• Develop your interests. Before you began feeling depressed, what did you do in your spare time? Were you creative? Sporty? Musical? Artistic? I’m convinced that everyone had something they really enjoyed doing but due to time pressures or other concerns they ceased pursuing their hobby. Think about it, research your area for where it might be and go and do it! Not only will it increase your levels of happiness, it is also sociable and fun! Some hobbies are more “singular” but perhaps there is a group in your area that meets weekly or monthly. Even if it’s not local, can you travel there by bicycle, car or bus?
   
• Negative thinking. People who are depressed seem to develop a cyclical thought pattern. The idea springs to mind and it is instantly “bashed” by thoughts of problems that would happen were they to pursue something. The comfort zone works but it doesn’t fulfil and it doesn’t change the patterns. Yes, you may fail, you may be sad, you may be rejected. But people who think in a positive way do not allow these disappointments to deter them.  Take a chance and spread your wings and if you fall down, you will have learned something new and you won’t fail in that domain again because you will have learned. If you do fail again then perhaps that wasn’t the right move for you but there will be another opportunity! One door closes, another one opens.
   
• Sort out your problems. You may have a list of areas that do not help nor serve any more. Make a list and decide on the easiest one to get resolved first. How can you resolve it? By talking to friends or family? By writing it down and thinking through different solutions? Or talking to a counsellor – someone impartial who can reflect on what is going on for you and help you to find the solutions that are right for you.
   
• Stop complaining! Ok this sounds a bit brusque coming from a counsellor, but constantly complaining about an issue without resolution reinforces feelings of depression and possible inadequacy. People may respond and try to help but you perhaps won’t want to be sorted out *yet*. Some people find that this is their “comfort zone” even though it doesn’t help you live a harmonious and enjoyable life! For some people complaints need to explored and understood in terms of what lies behind them; for others there is a question of “timing” when suddenly epiphany strikes and their world is changed in a flash as they realise that life CAN be better if they stopped doing x, y and z.
   
• Have realistic expectations. So you want to lose a stone in two weeks? You want to become an entrepreneur? Being divorced with multiple lovers? I’m being a little facetious even though there’s a grain of truth. What is your vision?  What does it feel like to visualise success? Consider the steps you need to take to get there. Plan your steps with realism; be aware of distractions and if distractions are constant, do you need help with this? Consider hypnotherapy to beat procrastination and or distraction. Look at the steps you take – are they the same each time and let you down each time? Is it time to look at how you work on your goals and visions rather than what they are?
   
• Make changes. At the time of writing it is January 2013. A traditional time for people to want to change diet, wipe the slate, detox, improve their relationships, work environment and many such changes. Unfortunately it is human nature to want to change everything yet human nature to handle one thing at a time. Forget multi-tasking. My take on multi-tasking is a little more cynical – it was a phrase invented by men to get women to do more work J. If you desire change, change one thing at a time. Keep expectations realistic.
   
• Control your thinking. Change statements into a positive. For example: “I don’t want to keep smoking 20 a day” into “I’d like to be cigarette free in 4 weeks”. Set your intentions as a positive statement. “I don’t want to be in the same place in a year’s time” equals “I’d like to be in Paris in a year’s time”. So where do you want to be, how do you want to feel? “I don’t want to keep feeling like this any more” to “I want to feel joyful, I want to feel in love, I want to feel peaceful”. Jot down a ten point “feeling” list as to how you really want to feel.

• 14 Superfoods That Keep Your Body and Mind and Beating Depression too!

Be happy!

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I don't belong here. and I'm useless and pointless in everyone lives.

I've recently cut myself and I let out a lot of blood. I was hoping that maybe today was the day I would die, but I guess not. 

No one really cares about me. They say they do but I know it's the only way they could get rid of me. So I stay quiet and pray that one day I could just stop talking. 

I know everyone is going to say I'm stupid, that I'm so extra, and no reply to this forum but I do not have a purpose in my life so I don't deserve to live on.

I'm a 19 year old male, Patented divorced at a young age had a few problems growing up within a broken family such as relationships with the step parents and what not but nothing ever sever.. But all my life I've felt this sadness I can never pin point why I've felt this way but it's gotten worse as I've gotten older. At this point in my life I'm doing well I have an amazing girlfriend who I love more than anything, I've started to play sports and become more active I'm studying a.course at college which will hopefully enable a well paid job... Why aren't I happy? I find myself frequently thinking about no longer being here but it's very rarely a thought of taking my life more of a wishing I'd never existed, I know I couldn't take my life as I lost my brother years ago in an accident and I know the pain that causes I couldn't put my family through that again. I just don't know who to talk to or what to say, I trust my girlfriend and love her but I feel like I'd just be bringing her down if I spoke to her, this maybe because a relationship I had in the past I often told her about my problems and she told me she'd lost interest in my problems and didn't care. I just don't know what to do I feel so conflicted 

Whenever I have done something wrong to someone, they would tell me that I'm ungrateful. I would then apologize but they don'tnreally accept it... So if I'm ungrateful and useless, then I should really stop living so I won't cause anyone trouble ever again... They would be happier if I was dead, they won't have to worry about someone as broken as me anymore... 

I'm sick of myself and I would be better off dead. I don't deserve to live because I'm nothing. People only see the wrong in me, no matter how good I was to them, if I did something wrong, it would be hard for them to forgive me unless I beg them to. They would do bad things to me like bully me and make fun of me, but I would shake it off like it was nothing even though it makes me even more worthless. But they never asked me for forgiveness, they think it's okay that they hurt my feelings as long as I don't hurt theirs.

Life is too unfair and I can't bear to lie to myself and wear a fake smile anymore. I feel numb so I cut myself every now and then, I'm thinking I should go really deep this time as to finally end this stupid life of mine. But I'm kind of scared, so I want to have your guys opinion on ways to kill myself in the easiest and most painless ways possible. Thank you

I am a 24 year old with a history of major depression as well as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). 

This thread is intended for both support and a kind of ''change my view'' thing. I hold the view that being ''nerdy'' is a bad thing, because throughout my life my parents have given me much grief for it and I feel like it's significantly affected my life and my mental health.

I feel a lot of inner conflict with myself, that causes me daily stress to the extent I am having heart-related symptoms and also ringing in my ears that doctors say is caused by my body releasing too many stress hormones that are effectively poisoning my body from the inside out.

A vast majority of this stress comes from my parents, and how my family sees me.

When I was a meager toddler, instead of drawing stick men like most toddlers would, I would draw things that I'd call 'inventions'. A lot of these were aircraft designs, but others were gadgets, for example a hybrid of a mobile phone and a TV that you could wear on your wrist to talk to people. Sometimes, my school teachers would see these drawings and remark on how impressive they were, and how advanced my grasp of aerodynamics was for such a young age. My parents did not appreciate this behavior, and threw my drawings away, saying that they were a ''waste of paper''. I immediately felt guilty, as if I was a bad person for drawing what I liked to draw. I was more interested in chemistry sets or model solar systems than toy trucks or cars. My parents told me I was not normal, in the worst way possible, and rushed me to every pediatric mental clinic as possible, rabidly trying to get a diagnosis so that they would not appear as bad parents for allowing their child to be ''nerdy''. 

My parents would tell literally every single person on the block that I was ''crazy'' or ''retarded'' before they even layed eyes on me. When I told my parents how this was affecting my mental health for real, they ignored me and pretended that me being upset was a part of my ''craziness'' or ''retardation''. 

In high school, I'd enjoy hanging around with ''nerds''. I am an extrovert but I am what you may call a stereotypical nerd, so I fit in with them pretty decently. My parents shamed me for this, telling me to ''stop hanging around and talking with nerdy people''. They would also try to discredit their intelligence, by saying how they weren't smart and looked 'gross' just because they were skinny and wore glasses. 

When I was in college, I studied science. My parents argued with me not to go to university, and I got so discouraged and upset that I dropped out of college. As a result I currently have no job or aim in life.

In my adulthood and recent years, I have come up with more inventions. I have not told anyone about them. But a part of me is aching to get them out there, even though I don't know how. I have three big inventions, and two of them are aircraft. Actually, both of them would be considered entirely new types of aircraft. The first one is a wearable flying machine. It isn't a jetpack, it'd use electrical energy, it would be a lot quieter and less bulky. It'd likely be a lot less expensive than a jetpack, and people would probably use them to fly to work since it'd be light enough and small enough to be in an ultralight aircraft category and require no pilots licence or training. 

The second one can best be described as a train in the sky, with the capacity for the aircraft to be thousands of feet long, powered by solar energy and would require very little electric motors to get around, because its design would allow it to drift through the skies like a jellyfish drifts in the oceans. They would be the cruise ships of the sky, and would operate at altitudes slightly higher than that of commercial airliners.

The third one is a forcefield and one of the most technical designs I've come up with. It would basically replace normal barbed fences and would be implemented in areas such as high security prisons. The design would act as an invisible forcefield that would stop specific people from getting close to the generator of said 'forcefield'. It would also only activate when the person gets within a certain distance of it, saving energy. 

I have 3D models, schematics, drawings, and documents about what these concepts would look like and how they would work, along with the physics behind each function that they would have, as well as their applications. The sky train one is one that I've had since I was around five years old and was one of the 'inventions' that I drew. 

But yet a part of me doesn't want to get those concepts out there, because being 'nerdy' is apparently a really bad thing. For instance I told my parents about that launch last week, and how they shot a car up into space, followed by the boosters landing autonomously sci-fi style and how amazing it was. My parents looked so disappointed in me and looked at me as though I was a witch. They then promptly ignored me and changed the subject. 

I really don't know what to do. I turn 25 later this year. What's more is I feel like I am starting to hate myself and hate ''nerdy'' people in general because I feel like my parents have warped my mind. Meanwhile my brother got all F's in school and does drugs but my parents and family don't demonize him as much behind his back.

I hate my life, I am a virgin and struggle to make anyone even respect me. I obviously have no friends, girlfriends and will probably get let go from my job as a software tester. I started at my job few months back after uni and started acting confidently, with a new wiped slate, but shit has gone the same way everything has gone since, uni , PhD ,, part time jobs and now my full time job. I don't know what wrong with me, I can't connect with anyone, ANYONE! NO ONE WHATSOEVER, NOT EVEN SOME RANDOM PERSON ON THE STREET OR SOME PERSON I SEE ONCE A WEEK. 

My dad was a drunk and my mum was someone with no social skills. To me she was a saint, my dad usually hit me or got angry for doing the smallest things, this i believe is the result of such a combination. I don't feel sorry for myself, I used to, i just don't see the point anymore, I just want help, BUT NO ONE CARES.

I'm not shy, I'm really not, im so weird and different in that i have no social skills but I am not shy as I have been told not acting sky will eventually get you there. THIS is bullshit, shy people have gotten 100x further than me. 

What everyone takes for granted, I would kill for, I hate it. 

Im 23, but maybe im just a creep and should kill myself, I dont want to be 24 25 and still be a virgin with no life. Whats the point in life if you have no relationships at ALL!!!!

Im not going to be that person, who is alone as 30 years old and still a virgin, fuck that I will kill myself before 25, 100%.