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My Recent Learning In Therapy


jenny1471

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Hi

I'm in psychodynamic twice-weekly therapy and while it's VERY difficult.. utterly painful and I've spent many a night in utter emotional pain that I cannot even describe...it is really helping me. So much. It took a lot to get to this point so while this may seem like a very positive post, I do not always feel this way. Even 2 days ago my feelings were very different (was in a lot of pain) but I'm now realising......

That I cannot hold on to the thought that I am important. I cannot hold on to the thought that someone who I am attached to/think highly of, would also think of me or 'hold me in mind' as my therapist says. I cannot believe it because I truly believe I'm a bad person to my core.. so while I'd love more than anything to mean something to her, I don't believe I do mean anything to her. While she says she holds me in mind, I cannot believe it and often need proof. I am, slowly, very slowly, beginning to be able to hold on to some belief that she doesn't just forget me between sessions. I genuinely think I walk out the door and she forgets me until I ring the doorbell the next time. She says this isn't the case and I'm trying to believe that.

I've also learned that I "trap" my therapist at times. Like at times she just cannot get things right for me. It's strange because she pointed out to me that as a child i could never get things right for my parents.. I never felt good enough. Yet this is what I do to her. She tries her best for me and logically I know this.. but if I'm feeling low or scared or uncared for then I turn every single tiny thing she does in to a "you hate me" thing and accuse her of not caring about me!

I am learning that while I'm MUCH better in between sessions than I was last year, i can still get scared. I tend to get scared when I think she's forgotten me or that I'm not important etc. I then contact her (I'm allowed to email her between sessions) and 'shout' at her. Like I get angry at something she hasn't or has done. Of course I know she is human so makes mistakes.. but in times when I am scared I'll remember the mistake and twist it to mean she hates me. So I get angry and email her. Then I feel bad because she hasn't replied.. so I get more scared and think she'll abandon me as I've been bad. So I send a follow up email of "please reply!" etc. Eventually she does, as she is able to, but by then I'm so worked up that no matter what she says nothing will reassure me. So by then she cannot do anything right! Once I can see logically again I apologise but then utter fear kicks in that she'll abandon me. She never has and she says she never will, but this is what I'm scared of. It's like the book "I hate you don't leave me". I get angry with her for not being perfect. But I need her care, her reassurance.

I am learning that it is ok to ask for what I need. It's ok to tell her, in the here and now if she gets something wrong for me. I have recently felt able to say things in the here and now.. sometimes it's been my misunderstanding. Sometimes she says she didn't say something well. Sometimes we just need to clarify etc. It's a great feeling. To say something as it happens and not let it fester in my head.. fester until it grows in to something massive. Last year I would often sit in a session in a lot of silence. But then between sessions I would email her. Now, I am much more able to say what I need to say during my session.. and not email so much during the week. My emails now are fewer and shorter (unless I get scared). I never believed her when she said many months ago that my need to email would lessen.... but it genuinely has.

I am learning that my therapist is not my parents. She doesn't think or feel the same as them. She doesn't treat me the same as them. I used to think she was out to get me.. like she was just waiting for me to fuck up so that she would have something to analyse and catch me out on. But she's genuinely caring. I lose sight of that at times, when I'm scared, but she's been so consistent that I'm trusting her more and more. My main fear is that I won't be able to cope in life without her.. like at the moment my attachment issues mean I think of her so often. I count down the days to seeing her etc. What do I do when I don't have her to think about. Without her to care for me?? She is well aware of everything I have written above, and my attachment issues is something I talk about every time I am with her. It's hard work it really is, but so far this is the most progress I've ever made. Her thinking/theory is that if I can work through my issues in the room with her... if by feeling safe enough to trust etc. and become attached to her (which I am) then I will slowly learn more and more about relationships in general. About how I interact in relationships, etc. and then I'll be able to take my learning out to the 'real world'. I do agree with her as I've seen many things that I now do differently.. like I've been much more assertive with some people, e.g. my manager.

I don't really know why I'm writing here other than to process and remind myself of the progress I have made. A year ago I was in much crisis; I was signed off sick from work for 3 months with depression and would regularly OD or threaten suicide. I am aware I've made progress.. and even when I get scared and have a mini relapse, it is nothing like what I have been like. I just hope that this learning and healing is for the long term :)

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Jenny im rreally pleeased for u i genuinly am cos i remeber last year and how hard it was for u with yiur last therapist.

Its realky lovely to hear u are making such progress and i do appreciate that its still hard i knoe because i too am going thru therapy and the pain and fight is draining.

Im so happy for you. Reading this will hopefully give hope to others see its poss to make progress.

I for one am glad u wrote this and i wish u more of the same strength and possitiveness.

Your therapist sounds really lovely and im glad at last u r getting yhe help u deserve.

Best of luck xxx emo xxx

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Thank you Jenny for writing this, there is a lot of hope in your lines. I'm happy that you noticed progress. Keep on the right track dear.

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