Long Awaited Assessment Today...........scared!

[Pickle59]

I'm feeling really scared, exposed and vulnerable..............I had a long awaited assessment today (4 months since my last therapy finished), to see if I might benefit from 3 times weekly therapy................It did not go as I thought it would, I got all of a fluster because I arrived too early, and I reacted badly to being told to go and get a cup of coffee in the cafe around the corner...............and so it went from there................it did not go as I thought or anticipated it might..............My anger was exposed..............and the assessor seemed to think that I did indeed qualify and this has scared me.............does it really mean that I am that bad?.................I did not carry myself as well as I can be known to do.............but maybe that is exactly the point...............its what goes on underneath the facade and the fake it to make it that is the problem................so that's me today............I in a way was sort of hoping that she would think that I was basically OK and I was worrying myself over nothing really..............and she scared me when she said, this is real on the couch stuff...............what the heck does this mean...........and is it different to therapy?...............Very very scared...............

[addy2]

Hugs Pickles, how are you feeling now? What type of therapy is is Pickle, sorry you are feeling so scared starting new therapy can be so scary xxx

[artemis84]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so wobbly pickle - huge hugs

I think it is understandable that you are feeling scared - fear of the unknown is so overwhelming at times - that is probably why you were so anxious at the appointment too. I don't think it is a bad thing that you showed your more vulnerable side at all, in fact I think the timing was impeccable - it shows how you really feel to the people that need to know.

And I don't think it is a bad thing that they said this therapy might benefit you - that just means that someone sees your struggles and wants to help. Good news I'd say! Understand your fear but hopefully it will really help you in the long term. Good on you for getting through it xx

[Bubbles..]

((((Pickles)))))

Sorry you feel exposed, I always find assessments hard, On the couch therapy I think is for comfort and safety of clients maybe.

xxxxxxx

[pepsimeg]

Im glad to hear u finallly had an assesment and i echo what others have said.

Hope u feel calmer soon

good luck xx

[Pickle59]

(((addy2))).........I'm still feeling scared.............when she said it was on the couch therapy, she pointed to the chaise longue in the room................so I am presuming it is therapy, lieing down...........this scares me in itself!!!..........I've got all sorts of connotations of what this might mean..........but I can't find the words to express 'em..........the previous lady who stabilised me about 5 months ago, thought what I was being assessed for today would be what I need..............she described it as psychotherapy/psychoanalytic therapy with medical input ........the thing is, no-one has really said what they think is going on apart from long term depression, trauma, and now, again, mention of anger issues................yes, it is scarey (((addy2)))....Thank you for replying.xxx (((artemis84))))....I'm definitely a wobbly pickle..........and even though the timing of everything seemed so off, maybe you are right in that it was perfect timing..........as you say ((which made me smile)).........impeccable......horrids, though.xxxx Thank you for replying.xxx (((Bubbles)))..........Thank you for coming back on this too, and your description of what on the couch therapy might mean, sounds much more cosy and comforting than what is going around in my head.xxx (((EmoGirl))).....Thank you, I hope I will feel calmer soon .xxx

[artemis84]

I had psychotherapy twice/three times a week for a year a few years back. I'm not kidding, I was petrified when I discovered the therapist expected me to lie on a couch! It took me a great many weeks to get up the courage to do so - I tried to stick to the chair but she was having non of it!! Seems really insignificant to lots of people but to me it was so so hard and seemed so movie-esque it almost felt like a joke! Anyway, in the end I did it and the world didn't spontaneously combust or anything!

You'll be fine, just take your time to feel comfortable (with the idea I meant but hey, why not wriggle around on the couch until you feel physically comfortable too!).

[Pickle59]

(((artemis84)))..........Its really good to hear your words of experience.xxxx I can't tell you how comforting it is to know and hear that you have experienced this sort of approach to therapy...................Did it make a difference lieing down do you think?

[artemis84]

I'm not sure if it did or not. On one hand it did make me feel more open as I could say what I wanted without having to watch the therapist for signs of what they were thinking (which helped as I have a massive issue with feeling judged) but on the other hand sometimes I felt a bit more restricted in what I said precisely because I couldn't judge if it was 'acceptable' or relevant or even boring her!

It was certainly a different way of doing things but it must have reason behind it and like anything really I guess you just get used to it.

Happy to help - let me know if you wanna ask anything more

[brisbane]

hi pickles, that would frighten me too, having to lie down on a couch. i mean i like it when i get a massage, and i like lying on the floor in a yoga room, but i'm not sure about with a therapist... personally i find black leather couches very triggering. i guess i just wanted to say that firstly, you are so brave to be commencing this. and that secondly, you have the right to ask as many questions as you need to... to voice as many concerns as you need to... to express as many fears and emotions that you have about the process, to your new therapist and to us on here. maybe this process can help you better decide if you are willing to particpiate, and to make you feel more safe in your choice. i think a big part of therapy is commuicating our needs to our therapist, and how we are responding to stuff right now, our fears about the process of opening up, and he we feel in their presence, not just about working through the past/issues in our life. you have the right to feel safe and supported and to ask questions and express yourself xx

[brisbane]

p.s. how wonderful you have been accepted into this treatment. did you really, deep down, want to be told that you don't need any help? xx

[Pickle59]

(((Brisbane)))..........yes I think I did , on the one hand, but on the other no .xxx

[Saharah Blue]

I want to add some hugs your way too, anyone would be frazzled after a day like this

[johnbooth1963]

Hugsss pickle. I guess what is important to focus on here is that the therapy is a helping hand and not a punishment. I had two years of psycodynamic (spelling?) therapy, where I faced my therapist on a chair. I think i'd have been a lot more comfy on a couch to be honest. You're brave to post this and I admire you for it. I pray that your fears are short lived, and melt away as you settle into your therapy.

[brisbane]

thanks for being honest pickles, about wanting deep down, at least in part, for them to say you don't need this. that triggered something really deep in me. i'm tired of putting my life on hold, to be built around mh stuff. i don't mean this as any reflection on what you're embarking on... i just felt such a deep sadness when i read your response (in terms of my own stuff) and wanted to express it. enough ramblings xx

[Pickle59]

(((artemis84)))........I so get what you say about seeing the reactions of the therapist and what I know can be my reactions to this.................especially when they look like they are bored or even asleep or nodding .........Not good for the morale eh?.......At least the couch will eliminate this...........xxx

[Pickle59]

(((Brisbane)))...Yes, still a bit of a wait yet, and I know what you mean about the black leather sofa. Thank you for what you say, I must try and stay a bit grounded around this, but I'm sorry too that it has triggered you a little (((Hugs))) xxx (((SaharaBlue)))...Thank you for the hugs..xxx Very much needed.xxx (((John)))...Thank you for this..........it is a subtle change of thinking, a helping hand....that's good. Thank you.xxx

[Endoftheroad]

I've seen you use this emote to so many people, so it's only right you should be the recipient in your hour of need

[Pickle59]

(((EndoftheRoad)))..........Thank you.xxx...........need lots of hugs right now.

[jenny1471]

Hi

I read this thread earlier this week but haven't been online long enough to write a reply. I hope it's ok to reply to this now. Wonder how you're doing?

I wanted to say well done for going to the assessment despite the anxiety etc. Also, I was thinking (as I was driving to work one morning!) that maybe her throw away comment about it being 'real on the couch therapy' could be more about HER stuff. I mean, there is a lot of stigma and lack of understanding about psychodynamic therapy. The NHS and many people just see CBT as the way forward.. of course it's cheaper and can be measured etc etc. And I wonder (and this could be my stuff!!) whether some CBT therapists, or other professionals are scared themselves at the thought of psychodynamic model. So yes what I'm trying to say is I wonder whether this was HER stuff going on?

I wonder whether it really is laying on the couch or whether she meant it's the concepts of psychodynamic therapy? I say that because I see a psychodynamic therapist twice a week but there is no couch. To be honest there isn't that much difference between seeing her and when I've seen therapists in the past who have been trained in transactional analysis or 'humanistic'. Of course there is differences in personalities... and if anything I've found my current therapist, who is psychodynamically trained, to be able to 'hold' me and sit with me more than previous therapists. A large part of her training has been in attachment theory.. and attachments are so important (well, they are to my issues anyway) so that is so helpful.

I'm totally waffling but what I am trying to say is that I really do applaud you for attending the assessment.. I urge you to disregard her silly throw away comment that she made with no regard of how it could leave you feeling... and I would say to 'just' see how it goes as and when you meet your therapist. If there is a couch then you can talk about it with her/him if you want to. I don't think there'd be any force to lay down. One of my colleagues, who is a psychotherapist, said that during her training she had psychoanalytic therapy and for the full 4 years she didn't lay on the couch once. They talked about it, but she said she didn't want to so basically she didn't. I think what's more important is the feelings behind the decision.. like for her I'm pretty sure it's because she's just a rebel! But really, all of this is stuff you can talk about at your pace if and when you feel you want to. There should never be pressure in therapy..

Right I'll stop now but I just wanted to wish you luck and hope you are doing ok

xxxx

[Pickle59]

(((Jenny)))........It's so lovely that you have taken the time to reply and share with me...........I really really appreciate that, and it's definitely not too late.xxx When she said it (((Jenny))) she pointed to the Chaise Longue in the room............ ......I take all your experiences and knowledge on board.xxx You are right in what you say that it is important that when the actual therapy comes through, I need to speak openly and honestly with the therapist about the why's and wherefores.............and as you say, whether the couch is necessary or not................I was speaking with a very dear friend of mine yesterday about it, because I'm still a bit shaken after the assessment. He is a trained counsellor, and he said that when he was training, he learned that some of the benefits of lying down and looking at the ceiling/cobwebs is to eliminate transference and reacting to the body language of the therapist.............so there is more detachment and not reactions to another person, and the theory behind it is to get to more of the clients issues rather than maybe reactionary issues with the therapist............. ?.........I know you and peeps say it was brave of me.............I suppose it was really, but cos it didn't go according to my plan (((Lol))), it has made me a bit frightened................but I think as (((John))) said, I must see this as a good thing and not punishment................somewhere in my head for some reason.................there is real fear around this.xxx I like what you say too, in that there should be no pressure in therapy..........that make me feel a little lighter .

Thank you (((Jenny)))............Pickles.xxx