Stopped Counselling

[Data]

I have had a lot of counselling/therapy over the past 25 years. I was out of the mental health system and not getting any therapy from 1997-2007. Then in 2007 I got seriously depressed and saw a university counsellor, but she could only offer me short-term so I found a psychotherapist. I did 18 months with him and he helped me through my personality disorder issues. The sessions had run their course but I still felt bad and thought I might benefit from another form of therapy (not psychodynamic) so I saw a more eclectic counsellor for maybe 9 months. I phased out her sessions last year as I was feeling better.

I am not mentally ill and don't have a personality disorder any more, but I still have some personality/autistic traits that cause problems. This year I started a new job and took up a second home. I have to live apart from my wife and kids during the week as they are 132 miles from my work. I still have lots of issues with binge drinking, overeating, relationships, stress and loneliness. The upheaval of the new job made me feel like I was struggling to cope, so I found yet another counsellor. This guy is caring, and I found being listened to very reassuring. He is BACP qualified and well educated (he has a PhD, but in biology). The sessions are local to my work and are not too expensive. However,

1. I just don't think the sessions are going anywhere. I am not changing anything and its more about me sounding off and feeling less lonely. It was making me feel guilty as that isn't what counselling is supposed to be about.
2. I don't think his boundaries are firm enough for me. He used to let the sessions overrun - I think once I was there for about 90 minutes when its supposed to be an hour. And there is a social event locally where they discuss psychological issues. He offered to go with me, which I think is inappropriate. Also, he told me some personal things about his wife, suggesting that they are celibate and that she is nasty. I didn't want to know that!
3. I suspect he doesn't really understand me. He told me I am charismatic and can get people to follow me, I think exactly the opposite. I mention that I struggle with relationships but he says he doesn't see some of the things (that I mention) coming out in the sessions.
4. We have different views on labelling, diagnosis and mental health. He says he doubt if ADHD exists, and he isn't sure about BPD either. He is anti-diagnosis. Whereas, I think diagnosis can be useful and it frustrated me that when my mental health was poor I never ever had a firm diagnosis.

So, I wrote him an email today:

"Hi _____,

I've had a good think about our sessions and I've decided to discontinue them. I hope this doesn't come as too much of a shock or disappointment to you. I just don't think the counselling is going anywhere.

Thanks for listening and caring."

I wonder if I should bother with another counsellor. I've lost faith in my ability to change my life on my own, so maybe this is as good as life gets .

[pepsimeg]

sorry i have no advise but i know exactly how u feel as been feeling the same. 20+ yrs of therapy whats the bloody point no one is ever able to help me. sorry. im no use just letting u know. u have to do what u feel right. your existing t sounds a bit like one i had once so i sumped him cos he did go over boundaries too he was weird and he didnt work for me at all.

maybe have a break from it and reasses how u feel in a few months maybe ?

[brisbane]

hi data,

i'm struggling right now with my own demons but i want to let you know that i'm here, and that the part of me that's capable, she cares.

what jumped out at me in your post is that you have to live so far from home. maybe this is a big part of your struggles? i imagine there is no quick fix, but maybe while you're considering if you want to start counselling again you could look for a job closer to home. i can't imagine how stressful that would be, to be away from my anchor for so much of every week, plus the miles you have to do travelling. i dont know that the job market is like near year - its pretty crap over here right now - but maybe something greater than you will be on your side, and you can secure one of the jobs you apply for. I dunno, i'm sorry not to answer your question, i just think this is the most important thing, if i were you. to me home is sacred, and what keeps me stable (most of the time) in this crazy ole world we live in.

and you deserve a counsellor who you can be open with - who supports you - who has clear safe boundaries - you deserve that data. and maybe that is what you now recognise and are seeking.

good luck matey xx

[Data]

You are right Brisbane, but its difficult as opportunities near the family home in my line of work are limited.

I think I probably should not start counselling again until either I've found a job near the family, or the family have moved to be near my job. When we have settled down then I'll have a better idea of how I feel and whether its due to the separation or not.

[Saharah Blue]

I'm going through a period of lost faith too. I have also been in & out of therapy since I was a teen. There were T and times that it was a life saver while I worked through painful grief. Other times I wanted to be committed but I just wasn't. When I look back I have done best when I am at my complete wits end. If I can get by alright, then therapy doesn't seem to much more than be a sounding board, like you said. Without a firm goal it can leave you feeling adrift.

I too work away from home and have been reluctant to take on T again, Like you I know there are things I could improve like my interpersonal skills, like the self imposed isolation I put myself through, the "not dating" because it freaks me out, and a handful of other anxieties that hold me back. It is kind of hard to think about putting those actions into place when you are not really in the environment you want to be in.

It feels like I have done the bulk of the big stuff and it is just a matter of fine making better habits that will help me continue to lead to better choices. I suppose in a way I have for the time being given up on fixing the social & relationships stuff, or maybe I just need to be using this time to grow other areas of my career life. I really don't know the right answer yet either.

[Data]

Thanks for the response Saharah Blue.

I did try to have firm goals but the problem is I've lost faith in my ability to change the problem aspects of my life, and I don't have any faith that I counsellor can help me with those things either.

I would like to improve my interpersonal skills; I think thats the main area in which I lack. I get by superficially at work, but I don't have any real friends and people don't bond with me emotionally. The people who I speak to more are people who I know only online, and even then its nearly always me who initiates the conversation - they don't approach me.

I think if I had real friends then I might feel better and I may gain the mental strength to work on my binge eating and drinking. But then sometimes I am skeptical of that: if I had real friends I would just get paranoid about the things they said, and be scared they would abandon me.

I do "get by" but I am unhappy and I lead an unhealthy lifestyle, which I struggle to change. If this is what recovery is like then its overrated....