Unintentional Turns To Intentional

[x-Bliss-x]

Hey!

So for about 6 months now I've been actively trying to put on weight without any kind of support other than friends and family as my treatment stopped almost 3 years ago now. I maintained a healthy weight for quite a while although at the lower end of the scale but somehow I've ended up in the anorexic range again and I'm not quite sure when it happened!

As far as I'm aware, I never intentionally tried to 'lose weight' or 'restrict' again. I remember the severe restricting behaviors I used to put myself through when I was still in treatment for anorexia and I can safely say it was NOT easy. But somehow I've lost quite a bit of weight without really even noticing.

At the end of last year around October I really started trying to gain it back as unlike last time, I could see the weight I had lost and to me I looked too skinny again. But since then it's just been a repeated cycle of putting on half a stone and then losing it again almost immediately. But I STILL say I'm not aware I'm doing anything in particular for this to happen??? I'm not going to lie though. There are some days where I do skip meals, but it doesn't feel like restricting, I'm just not hungry. That's normal right? Normal people don't force themselves to eat more if they are full or aren't feeling hungry? I've had various blood tests and nothing strange is showing up to account for it.

The problem I'm having now though within this last month is that I'm starting to enjoy the weight loss more again now. The low weight and loose clothing is giving me a satisfying feeling and I know this isn't good. Especially as I'm having some anxiety issues to do with my past crop up. I'm now noticing that my thoughts are beginning to favor the restrictive side rather than the gain.

I had my 6 monthly review with my consultant psych over a month ago and he recommended that I be referred for an assessment again with one of their ED specialists who I've seen before and see what she thought about it all but I still haven't heard back.

I'm worried that the longer this goes on, the more I'm going to like it and get sucked in again. But if I haven't managed to restore my weight successfully in 7 months, am I realistically going to? Am I subconsciously sabotaging my weight gain?

Any thoughts?

x-Bliss-x

[maddy harper]

hi bliss

i to suffer with anorexia/perdging all though i havent been sick for over a year.

still have issues with anna though even though i've stopped perdging my food every day...

i skip meals a lot or i just don't bother eating cause i don't like the feeling of being full

i like the feeling of being empty and clenzed instead which i know isn't good at all

[Bluehorizon]

I'm going through recovery and identify with a lot of what you have said. Have been gaining the weight back and really making an effort to be regular and eating healthy amounts, when I'm with people etc.

I tend to get sucked back into the cycle when I feel I am losing control of something, and I use the food restriction as a way of having hold over something. I fully recognise what you mean by not noticing weight loss that is unintentional, until the clothes feel looser and that pleased feeling comes with it. So hard to unthink your way to the opposite happy feeling of gaining weight.

Remind yourself that you are a human and won't get it right 100% of the time. You are trying and I know it's hard. I have skipped meals today due to stuff going on but I have promised myself to try tomorrow, keep going the right direction. Sabotaging as a word suggests deliberately making an attempt to stop progress and I am sure from what you say that you are just conscious of your progress and concerned.

Stay strong. Try not to give yourself a hard time if you do have up and down days, keep facing the right direction.