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The Beginning Of A Journey Within The Journey


Peregrine

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it would be cool if they did EMDR

and just as cool if they did sensorimotor psychotherapy

they're the two best trauma therapy approaches i know

and its ok to ask what trauma therapies they've trained in :)

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I will try and ask that question as I'm curious myself. The problem is that I anyways feel tiny when going to these things and forget that I can be in control. I'm not sure what this person specialises in, or indeed, what we're going to do. Last time, which was in 2012, I could choose between short, medium and longterm treatment and I opted for short as I felt safer with that. It also turned out that psychologist was leaving the country for good, so in a way it was meant to be, rather than starting big stuff and then having to leave it or be referred somewhere else. At the moment I'm dipping in and out of feeling me going there is valid and good. Because I'm stable, I feel that I can manage by myself, but still know I can't in the long run. There are two psychologists for this area and my CPN thought one was more suitable for me. I trust my CPN wants the best for me but I'm also refraining from asking too many questions. I did at the beginning, wanting to see my notes and every little scrap of information 'about me' I could get. But I found it to be more soul destroying than helpful, as I wasn't ready to read half of the stuff. It brought way too much confusion, as, when you're not trained in that field, over half of the notes don't make much sense anyway. So, my current status is to wait and see. I'm not religious but believe things will fall into place when the time is right. I'm half scared, half excited. Enjoy the sun!

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heya :)

it rained here!! but i went dancing (five rhythms) which was so grounding and i feel so at ease just now :)

its often useful to write down bullet points/notes to cue you to ask questions,

as its often the case that the mind's rushing and its easy to forget or struggle with how to say it

but reading it from a note makes it so much easier

and you can jot down their answers too

and i believe that asking questions does demonstrate that you have a wish to progress

which is positive

but if its too challenging then i'm completely with you for just getting through a meeting and back home again

do remember that there's a difference between destabilisation and being undermined

therapy can destabilise as you're breaking eggs to make an omelette so to speak

because as you work through stuff you're tuning in

and that process brings its challenges as you know

but its not undermining you

(in this case undermining is intentionally harmfully disrupting someone's stability)

so take heart that you will be doing the hardest work anyone could ever do

but that it is so worth it

and it takes great courage to do what you're doing so you're really brave :)

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Thank you, Mousie, for being with me, for caring emotionally and intellectually. The sun today was the only thing that I seemed to notice and I took deepfelt enjoyment from it. Everything else went past in a haze, for whatever reason. I feel myself preparing, slowly, for when the time is right. I'm so blessed with being able to work outside all day (although it can be an arse when it's cacking it down) that I try and breathe into every moment that's given. Today was a huge mush though, I've had memories flit by like whisps of gloopy syrup, I don't know how else to describe it. But it is what it is, there will be fish to fry, but not today. I hope your day was nice and gentle. I've been reading some of your other threads and I think you're awesome. Sending you rainbows for the rest of the day.

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ah Fabhcún Gorm i love the way you write :)

would it be ok to ask what kind of work you do?

i imagine you're in conservation or maybe a lumberjack!

(i have visions of big boots and plaid shirts!)

or maybe you're the only paid falcon to tilt and ride the air currents!

yes, the waves of memory... somatic, emotion, head stuff

letting it wash through, like adrenaline, and dissipate

its quite an art form to let it pass through and keep breathing

i hope this doesn't sound cheesy

but could you thank you... your body, mind and spirit, for getting you through this far?

to give yourself recognition for keeping going?

i 'got my nurture on' today with someone wanting to work in trauma therapy

its an honour to be useful so it was a really good day in that way :)

i'm wishing you a gentle and peaceful night, beautiful sweet bird that you are :)

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Thank you for helping me look closer to home, mousie. Recognition of self is so important, easily overlooked and left behind on the search for bigger things. It's tricky to truthfully connect with self when there is hardly a sense of it, yet strangely able to cross boundaries to reach others in times of need. I wonder why it is that sense of self is so minute. Body aside, I can feel like a shrivelled up walnut, hard to crack but willfully feeding others with joy. I have found ways to feel the present deeply, for which I'm grateful as it wasn't all my own doing. Tiredness sucks at my ability to do so, but I'm getting better at weathering the nasties, hoping for a better day ahead. So much to be grateful for, which will give strength to continue.

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i can relate to that minute sense of self

dwarfed by the importance and needs of others

it can grow gently and genuinely if i, if you, regard self as a stranger

and do the kindnesses one would do for a stranger

and it makes sense to do so

because whether we believe we're less or more important than others

that doesn't change the view of others about us

and who are we to dismiss and belittle the views of those that are important to us?

therefore to respect their views, it makes sense to demonstrate that respect

by treating self as equal to that of a stranger

a common regard

and in that way, the self revulsion and desire to self punish rescinds

giving permission to be ok

to be normally kind, as its human and humane

i hope you have a gentle evening and that the weather suits you :)

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It makes so much sense what you write, mousie. My mind can follow the thread of logic that begins at mind and ends at action. I'm still tucked up in bed, having a day off, worn out. The gentle drizzle outside helps, as if it permits me to lazy around. Reading your last post, interesting thoughts awaken. The deepfelt wish of feeling entire, the momentary truth or best way to be kind to oneself is to treat oneself as if it was a stranger. My mind understands, my heart feels sad about it. My CPN often says a huge chunk of recovery is practice. Practice on self and on/with others. And I fully agree, as therapy is like weaving a safety net unique to each individual, starting at and anchored deep in one's inner core. As threads become more numerous we can start to explore, step outside and gently bounce on what we've woven. Maybe, practicing kindness to self is like bouncing around outside, but every now and then, take a new thread, go back inside and add it to all the others. I'd like to think, as we interact with others we pass threads around, weaving some of our own into neighbouring webs of confidence and strength. Only very rarely are we allowed to pass this boundary and can venture close to others hearts. Every now and then, with permission, we can test other's webs by bouncing together. In some areas, my net is thick and strong and I can jump around like crazy. My self-kindness patch needs work, I still fall through the holes. But in connecting with others, maybe a new thread will be added once in a while, chucked over to me, handed to me by a kind soul. It's me who has to do the weave though. Thanks for helping me think, mousie. Hope you're not too tired from all the driving.

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And then there are the arseholes of this world, who walk around with huge scissors and fuck it all up. Thieves.

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hiya Fabhcún Gorm

its a beautiful image of threads and connections :)

and i can see it here on the forum

now and then someone will give one of my threads a tug because i've not noticed it for a while!

its still there but maybe needs attending to

i often have an image that's stayed with me now for years

and when i make a connection with something and especially someone

i experience this glow, a warmth inside

and i describe it as my heart's tuning fork vibrating

so that when i don't connect, its because i'm not in tune

and when i witness someone's vibration i can experience the truth of it

even if it doesn't resonate within me

but when it does, hooo! such a wonderful thing :)

and i get that here :)

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Meaningful connections is what helps us grow. I love your tuning fork and the glow it brings. I think, knowing what deep and truthful connections are, are the destinations of having walked miles through death valley. And knowing how to give and guard them are done intuitively. I find face to face contact really confusing. I manage in a professional environment but anything else I avoid. I don't want to, any longer, but need help in trying how to figure out how to look someone in the eye without feeling puzzled or hurt. That's why I love working with animals. I can look them in the eye, they look at me and things are straightforward. There is absolutely no second guessing on either behalf, there just IS. That's where I feel at peace and in balance. I think they've got tuning forks as well.

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completely agree with you

animals have tuning forks and sense of other beautifully tuned :)

and how to work out how to suss out what's going on when you are face to face with another person?

have a good old google around with mirror neurons

its what we sense in eachother

that gut feeling. gut reaction

that informs the truth. the emotional reality

i've been working with it for years now

and have used it extensively as a therapist

and it is a really really useful tool to have :)

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I will have a look mousie, thanks for all your helpful stuff. Never heard of mirror neurons. Can't write much morw, as REALLY tired. Hope you're well.

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  • 1 month later...

So, the letter came today with the proposal of initial assessment beginning of September. I'm so very grateful to have been offered this and i hope he will be able to see that I'm determined to work more on myself. It's still a while to wait but that's ok. Gives me a little longer to verbalise to myself what i want. I'm happy and nervous.

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please forgive me if i've mentioned this before...

are you able to prepare a 'comfort zone' in your home

where you can go and just curl up

with comforting things

resources to read, listen to, watch

comfort cuddly things

and a stash of things to nibble at and drink

they don't have to be junk kind of stuff

but stuff you know works

as and when you start working on yourself in sessions

there may be times when you could retreat to that comfort zone

i know this from work i've done in the past

i hope this is useful for you

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Hey Fabhcùn, just was passing by and wanted to say hello. How are you doing? I hope you can stash a comfort zone and be okay with therapy, as it's usually very demanding in itself. Take good care. I'm hugging you with all my mighty kindness.

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Mousie, you have not mentioned this to me yet and as ever I'm grateful for your suggestions. My room in general is a sanctuary with solid wood furniture, tons of books, my desk with my favourite pens and diary and a little felted bunny made of sheep's wool that is just big enough to fit into my hand. I also have a tiny angel pinned to the shelf next to me bed. They keep me company.

I think my mind has formulated what's important for me to say during the assessment. No heavy stuff or anything like that, more of how I feel I stumble at the same hurdles and feel stronger to wanting to explore more than ever. In the past I always directly said that i 'don't want to go there', so we never did. But I've come to realize how i half-live my life, lacking so many skills that come naturally to others. I literally haven't got a social life and spend most of my time with animals. The words i do have to say i pour into my diary, on this forum or to MH professionals. I either don't trust or get confused so easily by contradicting body language I've given up a while ago. Yet i observe how people interact, so concepts and rules are not foreign to me. I just can't internalise and act.

One problem i have is my hearing. It's so sensitive and sometimes, when there are more than two people present, i can't filter the conversation at all. I hate it having to be in a group, when all the noise is a jumbled mush in my head and i grow increasingly tired because of it.

When I'm feeling high (not drug related) some sounds can be so pure and beautiful, much more clean and smooth than when I'm 'normal'. They are good times and i don't want to miss them, but it's the people stuff and sounds i often dislike.

At odd times a scene can change colour somewhat. It's like a hue, like looking through tinted glasses. When all my channels are open and a person reacts to part of me, i see whisps around them, like a mixture between vapour, water and electricity. I don't take drugs now, haven't done for years, but these are all things that currently make me avoid people. The hardest is the talking though.

I don't know why all of this came out just now. I guess, with the prospect of therapy looming, I'd like to embrace myself for who i am.

Threemoons, how kind of you to pop by and leave a note. I'm fine, thank you, lots of stuff moving through my head, but that's ok. It's wonderful to know that some of what i write stirs a response, it doesn't make me feel so alone.

Thank you, you two ☺

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All i thought about today was 'the appointment'. As if my life depended on it. Well, maybe it does... My longterm life.

I only really woke up about noon, despite having been at work for 4 hours prior.

It feels like i sense what i want out of this whole thing, but my head is starting to get frightened of too much destabilisation. I've worked very hard the last three years, keeping my job down and staying settled, contrary to my past nomadic life. Complying with medication, checking in with CPN on a regular basis, staying out of hospital. All good things and i should be proud, should be grateful. Although i do feel a newly gained sense of responsibility, 99% of my being is robotic. Programmed to function.

When i watch people in the streets when i happen to be in town, they laugh, connect in ways that are alien to me and talk in ways that helps them connect but bores me. I don't like being that blunt, but it is what i feel and i don't like myself for it.

I can be social in certain settings-at work or when absolutely required, but that is it.

At the age of 6 i denied myself any form of physical contact. My mother still recalls it and thought it may be a phase but it stayed like that. I don't like it when people come and tap me on the shoulder or are touchy feely. I don't mind so much when they're children. Yet during my sturm und drang years, the intimate relationships I've had were straightforward in terms of physicality and i found myself amongst it.

Why the hell am i writing all of this?

Because I'd like help. Because, tonight, i feel really fucked up. My mind is screeching, i seem to have swallowed a shredder.

If the question is asked what brings me here, my simple answer would have to be: everything. Me. The person that rattles when she walks with all the memories. I keep trying to bolt them together but everything looks wonky and out of place.

I'm wonky and out of place.

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You know, I'm not really touchy feely either, don't like physical contact. I think there's nothing wrong in it as far as you're functional. What do you think of it? Is it something that really bothers you? I'd say just be you and the rest will come in time. There should be no pressure in touching you, you're master of your own body and its limits. Don't let people touch you if you don't want.

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Thank you Threemoons.

The touchy feely stuff is hard to describe. I'm ok with physical contact when it goes at a normal pace but some people barge their way in personal space so quickly or feel a hand on the shoulder helps them make their presence known. That's what i don't get-can they not sense that it's not everyone's cup of tea?

Functioning is ok by me, but i find it limiting. It feels like I'm depriving my soul from life.

I've entered this stage of safety just over 3 years ago, after years of sleeping around, leaving a trail of destruction, abusing drugs, alcohol, homelessness, the lot. I've done a course of cbt and come to acknowledge that I'm not only harming others but myself. So, i fought like hell to get myself straight. I've now got a full-time job, a roof over my head but I'm burnt out inside. Looking back, I've never been able to be normal around people but I'd like part of them. I'd like to know what it's like to have a real friend. To maybe start thinking about a meaningful relationship, maybe a family. It's not something to be achieved, not at all, but my soul feels so so so lonely. I postpone the search for it day after day and nothing changes. If i go out, I'll fuck up as i don't know how else to go about it. I've got an inkling that some or even all of it may be resolved in therapy.

Thanks for listening. How are you?

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I'm very fine, thanks for asking. I understand it can be extremly hard to struggle on this point, I'm sorry you're throught it. Do you think you could hang out with some friend and not fuck it all? It's good that you have goals setted though, it's what keep us walking. Have a thought and take care.

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It's what I'd like to do, to hang out with people i like but i have to find them first.

I tried meeting up with a couple of girls from the village. They are both nice and we met a fair few times. They are full of plans, wanting to do this and that and get hugely excited which just scares the crap out of me now. I've come to realize that i was never sociable. The times that i did burn the paths behind me were all a front, living anger and rage whilst being utterly lost.

I agree, some structure and goals are what keeps us going. I have clung onto these over the past few years, especially when all i wanted to do was run again. So much of it is down to my CPN who I'm blessed to have. I didn't have to endure staff changes like many on here, so I'm lucky, really, as it gave the team some time to get to know me and me them.

It's good to hear you're well m

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