Why does this keep happening? *PT* this is a long post so won't be offended if no one reads it just need it out there.

[Charlie1986]

Hi Guys,

So I am fully aware that my eating is not desirable. I developed bulimia when I was 14 but this became full blown at 19 to the point I starved myself as much as I could and threw up what I ate. Unfortunately for me I have 100% control over my gag reflex and have never had to stick anything down my throat to do what I needed too. 

I have always been heavier. I used to comfort eat as a teenager and got quite big. My dads side of the family are all morbidly obese like 25+ stone with my mums side massively underweight so I've always fell somewhere in the middle with my metabolism. 

When it got to its worst point I went from weighing 16 stone which for someone whose 5ft 2 isn't desirable down to 7 stone 9 at my lowest. It took about 6 months for that to happen. I think I was determined to kill myself in all honestly. At the time I lost all grip on reality and I also believe this is the point my PD symptoms became more visible to other people. I litterally became hell bent on death and my impulsive behaviour became terrible. I actually lost my virginty on an impulse to a random guy I had met at a bus stop. I took him home slept with him and kicked him out at 3am. I was convinced I would be dead the day after so i didn't care about what I had done. The day I took him home I'd been in hospital for an OD and was on my way home from my mums house. I ended up back in hospital not long after it.

I eventually admitted I was gay not that I even knew 100% that I was until that point. I met someone online and became so attached to her i thought she would save me as she was older. I was 19/20 she was 27. It was long distance she lived in Scotland and I lived in St. Helens (North west England) I actually got help for my eating and although I was stupidly skinny and loved it I knew I had to do something or id die. I went into outpatient treatment for my eating disorder and had group and individual therapy and saw a dietician. I still played silly games but as the relationship with my therapist developed she made me see I was worth something until that all came crashing down.

The person id been with for 15 month ended at Xmas time. I cheated on her because she told me she wasn't ever going to tell people about me and she wasn't gay. I flipped out got hurendously drunk and slept with someone else on Boxing Day. I didn't try and make it work with her after that in fact I eneded it officially that night. She begged me to stay but I couldnt I knew I didn't love her anymore and no matter how much I wanted to keep hold I made myself let go. (This girl had dumped twice before and I'd taken her back. One of those times was because my dad had died and I was too upset). I never admitted I cheated to her.

I met someone about 3 months later who lived in the same town and automatically became infatuated and did everything for her. I worked and she was in college so I spent my money on her I ran around after her and made her my world. She dumped me after two months for someone else then came back around her birthday after i sent a very drunken message telling her I still loved her. She replies a couple of days later saying she wished I'd been there and not this other girl so we started seeing each other again and eventually got back together properly. 

I was still in treatment for my ED and decided I was going to go to uni with my girlfriend. This was the worst mistake I ever made. My treatment was meant to transfer with me too the new borough I'd moved too but my referral 'got lost in the post' and I never started it again. In anger I never chased it up and that's when I dissapeared from services and stayed away. 

My relationship was terrible and my mental health worsened. She cheated on me used me for money and told everyone I was a psychopath. I had barley any friends and for myself a bad name with the uni for smashing my door of its hinges and having to be taken to A and E with a suspected broken hand after smacking a solid metal lamp post on my second night there.

I've digressed. I'm sorry.

Back to the point, my PD symptoms got worse. (It's only now I look back and realise that's what it was at the time I had no idea what was wrong and it made me worse). I started to binge eat and put all the weight I'd lost back on. My relationship fell to pieces in the end. She tried to terrorise me and turn everyone against me again even though she was cheating again. It worked and all our flat mates turned on me. Within 3 weeks of breaking up for the final time I was forced to move 40 miles away to Manchester. (I was at uni Preston). 

I tried to rebuild my life met who ended up being my best friend for the next 3 years and tried to move on. My eating changed again and in that time I lost all the weight again through bulimia and starving myself. I met someone and put it all back on. 

We broke up and I met a succession of people after them. They never worked and my mental health nose dived. I stayed away from MH services but got out on anti d's by the doctor and went through maybe 3 different sorts in that time. I saw a counsellor at uni (I did  counselling and psychotherapy studies as my degree). I believed I had to to get better. I was let down massively when he didn't turn up for an appointment so told the receptionist she could tell him to fuck himself and never went back.

The only help I recieved after that was through the GP and was always just medication. I'd put all the weight back on again. 

I met someone who turned out to be the biggest manipulator and narcissist on the planet. She took pleasure in messing with my head and openly admitted she did it but then said it wasn't her doing anything wrong it was how I saw it. I started to hate myself even more and eventually I snapped and we stopped seeing each other. (Never officially a couple). After that my eating went terrible again and I lost a lot of weight again by starving myself. 

I met who I'm with now and moved to be with her after 6 months after getting a full time job near her (promotion in my company). We both ate all the time and I couldn't stop.

This brings us to now. Finally diagnosed with BPD  for the last two years I've impulsivly binge eaten and am now the heaviest I've been. My doctor has got on my case about weight management completely ignoring the fact I've openly said my eating isn't normal. 

Since the 30th March I've been restricting again. My partner has noticed it's caused a massive fight where she caught me lying to her about what is eaten which is something I have never done with her. I can't make myself. I eat with her but then I throw up first chance I get. I'm taking 4 different supplements at double doses that aren't cheap. 

The doctors has completely triggered me and now I'm stuck. I need the weight gone. In 4 days I lost 9lbs. I'll show him.

 

[bluemoon5]

hi Charlie,

my concentration aint so good so I was coming back to read, sorry , 

sounds like you have been on a rollercoaster of ups and downs, weight, moods and relationships. I was wondering what the bpd disagnosis means in relation to therapy and support for you now?

I hate doctors too so I know how hard it is the get help. but what about dbt ? dunno.

[Br0kenW1ngs]

Hi,

Just wanted to reply and let you know that you're not alone. I know a lot of people here will relate to your difficulties and while what I have experienced isn't the same I do know what it's like to be wrapped up in a cycle of gaining and losing weight.

I suffered with eating disorders for many many years, my weight went up and down and round and about and I thought I would never break free. 

I know how shocking the NHS support can be. I have a lot of friends in various areas of the country and it seems to be pot luck as to whether you're offered the help you need and deserve. I've been lucky and I count myself blessed for having had the support I have had over the years but I have met professionals who quite frankly should be shown the door and I know that my experience of treatment it definitely NOT typical. That said, it still took me 13 years under services to finally get to a point where I could lead a "normal" life. (I have BPD too and while I don't engage in behaviours any more I still have to remind myself that the way I think isn't always helpful).

DBT is, in my experience, good. But you have to be willing to leave your preconceptions at the door and try it whole-heartedly. It doesn't sit well with some, and I can understand why, but the ethos is a good one. Getting DBT, and good quality DBT, is a challenge. I know many people who would benefit from it but just aren't offered it. It's not right

I don't know (maybe someone in authority can help me out here??) if I can recommend another site for self-help? But I was pointed in the direction of an organisation that have devised work books for coping with some mental disorders. Granted I had the added support of my team while I went through these, between therapies, but given the right commitment they might actually help a little..... Anyway, I can post/send a link to anyone who's interested, I just wasn't sure if I was allowed.

I've gone off topic a bit (I usually do) but I think my point when I started this post was to let you know that there is hope. I know how s*** it feels, and never ending, but don't give up.

I wish I had the power to bang various officials heads together and make it possible to offer good treatment to everyone who needs it because it does make me so cross that it's so rare. But I can't.

Look after yourself as best you can