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After some friendly advice....


ForestP

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Hi All

I'm one of those people that reads a lot of discussions but has been keeping my distance for a while...I felt it was time I posted something I do apologise if this turns into a bit of a rant.

So firstly I don't have a diagnosis of anything other than documentation of the symptoms that I have gone to the doctor about, the ones on file are panic attacks, anxiety, and dissociation.

There are then the other "symptoms" I generally don't speak to people about. When I am stressed/tired, I struggle to remember who I am. That's not to say I don't know my name or where I live, but what my character is, what defines me as a person, what I like, what I don't like. How I feel about things, what my principles are. This can cause me to act very differently to how I usually would, usually in a particularly damaging way. I often feel like there is something inside me hell bend on self sabotage, seeking to destroy everything that I try so hard to keep together. There are many other things I could go into, but I will try to keep this as short as possible.

The reason for my outreach is for concern about my relationship, I have been married for nearly 3 years now, how I have kept the relationship together is beyond me...I am constantly worried that in a moment where I loose myself I will do something that will destroy my relationship. I love my wife more than anything, but if she gives me any kind of criticism then for hours I can hold a deep hatred of her, it's horrible because although I love her, it's like that can change in a moment. I'm then a horrible person. Once this passes the guilt I feel is horrendous, I feel that at some point, she is going to leave me and it will be my fault, and I don't think I can cope with that. Luckily for me she knows that I have problems with things and is quite forgiving, I know that can only last so long.

As I am getting older I can control things better, but I think I have been lucky so far to not irreparably damage my life. I feel like I am constantly warring with myself and all that is required is for me to drop my guard for a moment and I could loose everything.

So to anyone who made it though this, the reason for my post is the following:

Is it worth seeking medical help? My experiences so far have not inspired me, I have gone through multiple GPs who have either thrown various useless anti-anxiety drugs (one was marginally effective), or referred me to Mind who took the view that because I still go to work every day and I am not suicidal then I don't score high enough on their point system for help. I've paid just over £1000 on private counselling which I did find quite useful, I had to take out a loadn and have nearly paid it back, i don't want to need to take another one...

Do people with a diagnosis find it helpful? I don't really know what I have, I suspect it may be a personality disorder but could just be an amplified version of anxiety? I don't know if putting a name to it helps?

Also does anyone have some general advice on how I can try to avoid self destruction? I feel fine today, I'm in a rational state of mind and am quite grounded, tomorrow I could be in a completely different state with little control, is there anything I can do whilst I am like this to prepare for when I am loosing myself?

I apologise again for the post being pretty long, thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this, and thanks in advance to anyone who takes more time to respond to me.

Regards,

Forest

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Just a quick correction, it was IAPT I was referred to, not Mind. Also I should have spell checked before I posted, so apologies for the typos.

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Forest, Firstly of all I'd like to say that I'm not a professional and so any advise or suggestions I may give come only from my own experience and the knowledge I have gained along the way. Having said that like many people who have gone through a recovery, we become experts by experience.

I would like to say that you have done a brave thing by posting on BPD World. Its says to me that you are moving forward and thinking actively about recovery, otherwise you would have just left it and continued reading other peoples postings. Forest I can really Identify with much of what you say about your condition, in particular, the dissociation, forgetting who you are then this is experienced majorly by those of us with Bpd. I like many others have experienced a degree of loss of reality, detachment and a loss of identity, we actually feel like someone else, in fact I have felt like many other people during my life.

Forest, as regards to not having a proper diagnosis, this can vary depending on your symptoms and who is managing your condition. I know that it is now common practice within the NHS to have a 'treat the symptoms' approach' and this is because the condition is so different from person to person, for me however Diagnosis was one of the keys that unlocked my recovery. For many years I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I was given meds that didn't agree with me and held me back from recovery. Although it took several years before I received my true diagnosis of BPD [emotionally unstable personality], it made all the difference. I was able to hatch out a real recovery plan, read up and educate myself and above all realise that 'Recovery is Possible from BPD.

That was six years ago, since then I have completed courses in CBT, DBT, and Mindfulness, had six years of Psychotherapy,[ in which I have financed five years] and also attend a monthly support group. All this was possible when I received my correct diagnosis. I feel it is important to understand the condition, its ability to mess with reality, identity and psychosis.

Forest, don't try too hard, but invest in your recovery, it generally is a 'Two steps forward , one step back; thing, but it is possible and you will get there in the end.

Rule No 1- Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

neilh

 

 

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I'd also go as far as to say that was rule no.2, 3 and 4.

Above all else, do not be too hard on yourself.

too often we our our own worst critics IMHO

Good luck

kim

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Thanks neilh

I believe that an experience makes an expert, be that from their own experience or from that which is passed on.

I do want to recover, I just don’t know how, I worry that by revealing these things about me, I can end up a label that I maybe don’t want that also has the potential to impact my life I worry about it impacting my work, affecting peoples views of me and things that I rely on such as being able to drive.

I should have mentioned I have tried to get help with this when I was younger, this resulted in me being diagnosed with partial complex seizure disorder, triggered by emotional stress. This then resulted in me being given medication which made me feel out of it all the time, like I was walking around constantly drunk, this didn’t help the episodes of being distant from myself which is what were suspected to be seizures. After a while this diagnosis then was overturned and I was given therapy and medication to stop anxiety with the new theory that these episodes were panic attacks. After this I tried to get more therapy but was denied, I then gave up the medication and have been dealing with things by myself since.

It is reassuring to hear of the progress you have made following your diagnosis, it does inspire me to think about potentially trying to do something about it, although I’m not quite sure what yet. My wife desperately wants to start a family but I don’t feel my head is in the right place. I want to get better first.

I do have a habit of beating myself up, I don’t deal with my own failures well, and it bothers me tremendously that no matter how hard I try this conditions holds power over me and it often feels there is little I can do about it.

Thanks again for your response nielh, and thank you Kim for your good wishes.

Forest

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