Kimboski Posted August 19, 2016 Report Share Posted August 19, 2016 Ok, this is the first time I've ever put this in writing, or even admitted to it. So it's hard......and to be honest, I don't know where I'm going with this. I have never had a 'healthy' relationship with food. Growing up it was always a case of feast or famine. Due to my father's alcoholism, we as a family were perpetually short of money. The one day a week that there was ample food was the day my mum got paid. I would gorge on food until sick. then I'd do it again. this was, from recollection, the age of about 5. i took this into my adulthood, sometimes obsessing about my next meal before finishing the one in front of me. I'd spend so much money and time thinking about food. By my early 20's I weighed around 25-28 stone even though I rarely kept a meal down. I'd bing and binge and then make myself sick. In times of stress it would be rampant. I'd feel my pulse quicken when eating. I was disgusted with myself. the fact I could not control my eating fed into my loop of regarding myself as a worthless human being. My dentist asked me why I had lost most of the enamel on my teeth (through being sick) and I lies and said it was through drinking too much diet cola. 3 years ago I had a 'sleeve Gastrectomy'. 75% of my stomach was removed in an operation . I've lost around 9 stone since then but if anything my obsession with food has heightened. I can't handle a normal portion of food.........but i eat till it hurts. Then I purge. I can do this 5-10 times a day. As my alcoholism is increasing I'm finding that I can't keep many meals down at all. there is a part of me that loves it. I love the pain of overeating and the fact weight has again started to drop off.. I rarely admit any of this to myself. It is becoming scary. Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimboski Posted August 20, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 20, 2016 Ok, yet again I feel like a stroppy child. And I hate it. Not one comment. I give in here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForestP Posted August 20, 2016 Report Share Posted August 20, 2016 Sorry Kim, I think the forums a bit quiet at the moment, I tend to stay away from the eating disorders pages because having never had an eating disorder I don't feel I have much to contribute. Also I think eating disorders are one of those "easily triggered" things, so I think some people who have them/have previously had them tend to stay away from potential trigger topics (which you kindly flagged your post as), Just give it time, I'm sure people will respond to you. You aren't being stroppy and I'm sure people aren't ignoring you, it's likely that there just aren't that many people around at the moment with the right experiences to say anything. Forest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimboski Posted August 21, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2016 Hi Forest, Thank you mate. Of course, you are right in what you are saying. I think the major problem for me.....if I'm entirely honest, is that I need attention. Like a child. And I really hate it within myself. If feel like an attention seeking prick. And I hate it. It's got to the point that I'm actually scared of posting in case I get no responses and am triggered into a world of self loathing, where I feel totally unworthy of care. I absolutely know this is a common trait with our condition, but knowledge doesn't make me feel any better. i really do think i need to take a step back and take a break from here as it making me feel worthless. No one else's fault of course. I think it's just the best step for me at the moment. Thanks again mate and all the best. i will be back, but when I'm feeling a little better. Take care. Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForestP Posted August 21, 2016 Report Share Posted August 21, 2016 Don't hate yourself Kim, there is no good that come from that, it's a big step in recognising that is the case, I think we all crave attention, we all want someone to notice us, someone to care. It doesn't make you a prick, it makes you human. I post with the hope that someone will respond, but knowing that there is a possibility that nobody will. I accept that if that happens, although I will be disappointed, it is not a reflection on myself, but is a reflection of the environment that I have placed my post. I try to get satisfaction from actually writing, rather than people’s responses (they are the added extra). If you feel you need a break it is perhaps helpful to have one, maybe just sit back and watch for a while. You don't need to respond to me, I would like it if you read this, and will make the assumption that you have without acknowledgement :-). All the best.. Take care of yourself. Forest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted August 22, 2016 Report Share Posted August 22, 2016 Just to let you know that I have read this now Kim and that I am hearing you and your distress. I think it was very brave of you to admit all that. If I'm honest I can't offer you a specific reply as I have a history of an eating disorder which is flaring up right now and to go into all this would trigger me too far. I'm sorry for being selfish but please know I am here and am listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted August 25, 2016 Report Share Posted August 25, 2016 My relationship with food is hard too....Therapy specifically for this has helped though.... All this selfhate gosh pains me to hear it. You are struggling and I am guessing youve been through an awfull lot, you deserve kindness from yourself. You might want to read about selfcompassion (Kirsten Neff) And remember yes its quiet but we are here, this small group of us, we care and were here. Lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimboski Posted August 26, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2016 Hi all, I am back and want to thank you for your replies. I'm sorry for the childish strop and am determined not to give into them. Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted August 26, 2016 Report Share Posted August 26, 2016 Nice to see you back I frequently strop about like a child but remember, there is a reason we behave like we do and ultimately it usually stems back to something we had no control over a long time ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eureka! Posted September 7, 2016 Report Share Posted September 7, 2016 Hi, I'm brand new....I relate so well to the bad relationship you have with food, plus, I am the queen of stops and concur there are reasons for the way we are/behave. I'm a bulimic in recovery (I've never admitted to that before) your never alone and your post tells me you are tough! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimboski Posted September 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2016 Thank you Eureka, I really appreciate your thoughts and what you said. I certainly don't feel tough at the moment. Quite the opposite. I know that this is a useless and harmful thought pattern, but I think I'm a 46 year old man......and shouldn't be in this circumstance. But I am. So I had better face it. I don't think I've spoken to you before, so welcome to the forum. Thanks again. Kim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ishandiwan Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 On 8/21/2016 at 4:01 AM, Kimboski said: Ok, yet again I feel like a stroppy child. And I hate it. Not one comment. I give in here. What is the most common symptom in fibromyalgia is pain What is the most common symptom in fibromyalgia? (starts with "p") Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimboski Posted September 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 What? Sorry you've lost me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForestP Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 I'm confused.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 7 hours ago, ishandiwan said: What is the most common symptom in fibromyalgia is pain What is the most common symptom in fibromyalgia? (starts with "p") just spam !!!! On 07/09/2016 at 9:13 PM, Kimboski said: I'm a 46 year old man......and shouldn't be in this circumstance. But I am. this makes me so sad I am a 52 yr old woman ...... and I shouldn't be in this battle with food, either my god I envy people who have a healthy enjoyment and love and relationship with food but I don't think there are that many people who do - or maybe I just cant see it I have spent quite a bit of this year avoiding 'bad' foods and now these past weeks - bang, its gone and I can no longer avoid anything and I stuff my face and there is no pleasure in any of it its bloody torture but I still torture sorry for interrupting on the thread, just feeling shit about eating and then saw this xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForestP Posted September 17, 2016 Report Share Posted September 17, 2016 Sorry to hear that walker. I do wonder what a healthy enjoyment really is, I don't have an eating disorder but still have a level of guilt for eating things that are bad for me, even though I enjoyed them at the time, I think it becomes a problem where you are in a constant battle with it, going one too far one way or the other. I think sometimes when you try to control something too much you instead can end up loosing control. I can't speak for Kim but I'm sure you commenting with something related isn't a problem. Forest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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