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BPD breakdown


Eagleheart

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I had a massive breakdown about 4 weeks ago and I'm not getting better. I was doing well. I had what I believed was an unbreakable friendship with a girl I met through another forum. We were like soul sisters. She made me feel so loved, so understood. It was an awesome relationship. 

 

But she suddenly totally blanked me, just after I told her I'd had a breakdown. I begged her to tell me why she had abandoned me, but she has never contacted me again. We both have bad MH problems and I had dealt with her having a bout of mania. She knew all about my MH conditions. The only explanation I have for her cruel treatment of me is that I made a short video clip of myself and my cats for her. It seems like she found me disgusting to look at. I've had someone do this to me before, just because of the way I look. Naturally, this has killed any self esteem I had. I'm SHing, I'm constantly checking how I look, to see if I look acceptable, i keep myself to myself and I don't believe my husband when he tells me I'm gorgeous. I have been destroyed by this. I am completely broken.

 

I WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE EVER AGAIN.

 

 

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Thank you Artemis. I'm not sure if I can come back from this. Imagine rejecting me just for what I look like. It is cruel beyond belief. I wish I knew how to share an image of myself here. I  wonder what others think of me??

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Are you sure it's because of what you look like? maybe they lost internet access, maybe they got taken into hospital or some kind of care and the times are around the same time. Maybe they got a bit nervous because you made a video for them, some people don't know how to handle it when people make gestures that show that they care.

Getting people to tell you what they think of you isn't a good idea, I know how to but I'm not going to tell you :P. If she is the sort of person who picks friends based on their appearance and she can ditch you because of how you look (no matter what you look like) then she probably wasn't that good a friend.

Anyway, this sucks, hope you sort through it, just remember the first conclusion isn't always the correct one.

Forest

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Thanks for your input Forest. Maybe it wasn't to do with how I look. She used to tell me how beautiful I am. I'd send her pics of myself now and then and she thought I was stunning. It's just that the rejection happened shortly after I sent the video clip and I suppose I assumed it was the way I looked or spoke. I had just told her that I'd badly beaten my leg with a rock. The last thing she said to me was that she just didn't know what to say to me. I messaged her 3 more times, begging for her to talk to me but never heard from her again.

 

I loved her. Deeply. This has broken my heart. And there is no chance for a reconciliation because she's blocked me on fb. I have her address but think it's pointless to write. Her silence speaks volumes.

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Hi Eagleheart,

I'm so sorry this has happened and you are going through such a low patch. Big hugs!  I have also just lost my best friend/soulmate and know how deep your pain is and how bad the betrayal is. I lost mine about 8 months ago and have since made real efforts (and sometimes it is a real effort ass I'm sure you know!) to have a few good friends rather than one 'best' friend. not sure if this is much better as I now don't have anyone to tell my secrets to or be 'me' with but I have people around me who wont screw me over because they don't know my pitfalls and weaknesses and I can have a good time with them. Swings and roundabouts I guess! But its helped me.

I'm sure it wasn't your appearance as you have said that she has complimented your appearance in the past, maybe she just got to the point where she couldn't deal wither own problems let alone someone elses (you said one of the last things you told her was that you hurt your leg) and the easiest way to deal with the situation was to quit contact? No excuse as it would have been best for her to explain and say sorry I cant deal with all this at the mo. Just a thought.

Anyway, keep going, things will slowly improve even if it all looks black at the moment.

Lottie xxxx

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I think LottieLou is on the mark there with it most likely being a case of her not feeling she can cope with the relationship at that particular time, most likely due to stuff going on for her.

I agree it wasn't the best way for her to deal with it, but try not to blame yourself. Things will get better, you will find more friends and possibly in the future she may come back and explain, for now it's probably best to try to come to terms with her being gone for the time being and try to move on.

Good luck.

Forest

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Thank you both for your thoughts on the matter. I find it very hard to make friends and this has totally killed my hopes of ever making friends with someone again. Too many bad experiences. I'm better off on my own. I never want to be hurt like that again. So I choose loneliness.

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I also find it hard to make friends. Try not to let it kill your hopes, I found the most important part of making and keeping friends is acknowledging that friendships are 2 way. It's not just one persons fault if they fail. Often nobody is to blame, it's just circumstances that have an impact.

Also embrace what makes you who you are. I'm quite self centred, it's just the way I am, I've tried to change before but always slip back so I decided to embrace it instead. I'm much happier doing that and people who really matter understand and tell me when I push it too far. In return I accept them for who they are, limitations included. I also accept their perceived criticism of me and try not to get too upset about it.

Don't close yourself off, im sure you will make a great friend for someone, and even with the hurt you feel now at least you have happy memories. I know its hard but try to reflect on what was good and what you had rather than the loss. Hope that helps.

Forest

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I miss her Forest. As you will know, being rejected is probably the biggest trigger for BPD. I've been thrown into a swirling vortex of dreadful, painful emotions that I just can't handle. I think about doing SH all day, every day. I just want these painful feelings to stop. I can't handle them. I am in emotional pain ALL the time. And added to that is my fibro, which is very bad atm. I am in severe physical pain all the time too. My life is quite unbearable tbh. How do I stop the hurt?? I'm getting more and more I'll psychologically. This is hell.

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I understand why you are in pain, just as I understand you wanting them to stop, I'm sure you know that SH isn't a fix and will only make things worse. Working through this will stop the pain in time, you're better off fixing things properly rather than taking the quick fix that will ultimately just make things worse. I get that fibro is also a pain, I have a similar condition which gives me problems, with fibro the best treatment is light exercise, this will also improve your mood. I know it's probably the last thing that you want to do right now, but I can honestly attest to it's effectiveness - even if in the short term it increases the aching, it will also improve your mood and take your mind of things.

I think we all have our ups and downs. I'm sure with a bit of work you will be back on the way up in no time.

Forest

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