Obsessions With People

[gingerwoman]

Does anyone else here get insanely fixated on people to the point where the object of your fixation dominantes you ever waking moment?

I have had this problem since I was a little girl. I would fixate on another girl in my class. It's more than a sexual or in love thing.

Absolute fixation.

Of course there were lots of lovers that I would fixate on. Usually I would fixate on one person for a number of years before the object of my fixation changed to someone else.

Now I am happily married (have been with hubby for 10 years) married for 12 and yet I am fixated with some guy on a message board and he is kind of a jerk and yet I am totally and utterly besotted with him and my emotions go up and down like a rollercoaster and if I think he is mad at me or he isn't sending me enough private messages I feel horrible ache.

I AM WELL AWARE that it is COMPLETELY insane and stupid but it won't go away.

Anyone else have anything like this kind of weirdness?

I'm talking 24/7 obsession.

[Madeleine]

'Fraid so... When I found out the current object of my obsession was married I nearly threw up, not that this is someone I can ever have (or want in my rational moments either). I've always been like this too!!

[doormouse]

Oh hell yeah..........

With me its never a love or sexual thing - cos thats a whole other can of worms I've never even opened! - but I get fixated on people, usually other women, my teachers, my tutors, people I've worked with, people who've generally been nice to me - and the obessionj is worst when they've actually understood me. I get totally obsessed, but at the same time feel incredibly unconfortable around them cos it's like they can see right through me. Sometimes, its just like I want to BE them, cos they are everything I want to be, but usually have some things incommon with me already - like there's hope for my yet, if I could just be more like them. Then it can take off a whole fantasy life of its own....imaginary conversations, situations etc etc

It is totally crazy - and not something I've ever been able to tell my psychs about, not even the ones I really trusted.

Weird, huh?

Dory :unsure:

[gingerwoman]

Thank you for replying! And considering how FAST this topic got a reply I am thinking this IS a BPD thing!

I haven't been diagnosed with BPD but with ADD and Generalised Anxiety Disorder.

I agree with the ADD diagnosis totally and kind of with the GAD except that I won't think I worry about everything mostly I worry about things realted to my obsessions.

Doormouse you sound like you do understand what triggers your obsessions and it's even harder when your a woman and your obsession is a woman and it's not sexual. I mean it's hard to explain that to a shrink or anyone.

I had obsessions on women when I was at an All Girls School. It wasn't till I was at University that they became obsessions with men because I didn't know any men.

The people who I get obsessed with usually have some kind of mean edge to them but are also capable of being kind and empathetic.

I'm guessing that does relate to my mother who was a psychologist who abused me physically, psychologically and verbally a great deal.

[gingerwoman]

'Fraid so... When I found out the current object of my obsession was married I nearly threw up, not that this is someone I can ever have (or want in my rational moments either). I've always been like this too!!

Madeleine are you still obsessed with the married guy?

I know EXACTLY what you mean by the person not being someone you could ever have or in sane reality even want and yet the obsession and fantasies go on and on.

[squirreal]

omg thankyou for starting this topic

doormouse - i do the imaginary conversations and situations thing too. i can lose so much of my time to just daydreaming, its scary.

[sundries]

im absolutely fixated on the mental health service.

theres never really been any other fixations in my life. if there are any problems i deal with them and move on and dont tend to hold grudges.

With the mental health service things i havent been confident or well enough to stand up to at the time, unjustified criticisms, negative and unjustified interpretations ..they ALL stay on my medical record and continue to influence my treatment and be used to justify treatment options. I feel angry I havent had my say. I feel angry there are third party 'information' on my record there was particularly with one person who was another service user i know she said a load of absolute distroted shit about me cos she went around adn spread all these rumopurs to evveryone and i tend to have to put up with her coming and yelling at me in the street whenever she sees me. and i have had no opportunity to discuss that with cmht because she had hte same social worker as me and so i just thought it was inappropriate and i wasnt going to sink to her level.

I feel really angry about my medical records. it is like the insults are permanently continuing while they are there. things such as referrals saying stuff like 'she needs to be encouraged to take more responsibility for herself'.

I have constant angry conversations about it in my head. One thing though i find hard is how to describe what is going on. eg when they say something totally inappropriat that it isnt an over reaction to be annoyed about and yet ANYTHING im told is my 'perception' and what i 'imagine' to be the case. Im not disputing people can hear things wrong but sometimes things said or n on verbal communication cant be mistaken - and they certainly have no problem attributing to my non verbal behaviour THIER invariably hostile and suspicious interpretations of my behaviour and thieir biases and ignorances.

what is it called when if you say something a doctor has done wrong people try to rationaliose it 'doctors are good kind caring people who just want to help' therefore (even if they cant find any) there must be SOME good reason motivated by compassion why they have done a certain thing. if they cant think of one then its my imagination OR if it is utterly indisputable what has been done..then i have to put up with the 'oh well we arent perfect you know' which is a way of saying 'oh you are sooo unkind and judgemental to complain. yert even when i do something from totally 'pure' motives they almost have to ensure no cognitive dissonance by rationalising how for example, since im not mentally ill and its just my personality, if im having difficulties cos of severe depression it is manipulation and laziness and attention seeking.

[folder]

God, obsessions with people, I hate it. It can dominate my every waking moment too, and cause me a lot of anxiety. My worst cases are usually members of the opposite sex but needn't be people I'm necessarily attracted to, though the gender allows me to term it a crush. The problem is, I know it inside out, I know when I'm fixated that I'm fixated and that there is nothing rational about it, but it doesn't help. I'll still wonder (taking examples from my most recent fixation) what she's doing, has she sent me an e-mail, I'll check, nope, why doesn't she send me more texts, has she sent me an e-mail, I'll check, still nope, why not dammit, oh, a text from her, nice, now I'm on a high for half an hour. I know it's obsessional, even while it's happening, but like I said, doesn't help. And always the wondering of what the object of my fixation thinks of me, and thinking they hate me, then like me, and the jealousy over nothing...ugh. All the while I'm hiding all these emotions, they're none the wiser, I'm just a colleague/friend.

[Space0dyssey]

I've been diagnosed with BPD and recently discovered that I have this problem too and have started to realize how much it's beginning to take over my life. It started with celebrity obsession (I know this can be considered common, especially in adolescence) and it has just recently become obsession with people I meet in person. As a teenager, I would become fixated with one celebrity after the other- -on average one per year. I'd keep the fantasy of being with this person alive day after day even when I went to sleep at night. It wasn't your typical rock star/movie star "fan"-atic behavior. I really felt as though keeping up the fantasy provided a sense of comfort and self-importance. It would end as soon as it came once I'd become aware that the person was "taken". It seemed to at least distract me from my feelings of worthlessness at the time. It was silly and I assumed that it would go away once I began real dating. Well, unfortunately, I'm finding that it's a behavioral pattern that I'm a little too used to. I'm 22 and recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years in September telling him that I just wanted to be alone. In reality, I was becoming totally infatuated with a co-worker, who was not even interested in me but whose presence was enough to take my mind off of our relationship entirely. I would not see this person at work everyday but just having hope to see him gave me great motivation to look good and actually made me feel wonderful. I was much less depressed and even stopped using alcohol and illegal drugs (another problem of mine) because I finally felt happiness. This lasted a good six months before he quit and began working elsewhere. After breaking up with my boyfriend just to fantasize about being with this person, him leaving my job was devastating and I have only slightly recovered. I turned to internet dating to lessen the heartache caused by the end of my totally made-up relationship with him. This is a new experience to me and it has begun to prove that my obsession with people is not going away any time soon. I began dating someone who I felt I was very compatable with and who I have become totally infatuated with. It's only been about 4 weeks and a total of 5 or 6 dates and I've become obsessed. I know rationally that I can't love or be in love with him but I'm totally fixated. What makes matters worse is that he is a police officer and has a ridiculously busy schedule, works nights and weekends and barely ever has time to see me. I become insane thinking about him during the day and awaiting his call at about 9 o' clock every night. During the week I'm coping with his absence well by concentrating on my job. On the weekends though, it's become an absolute sobfest and I sit at home thinking about him and if he'll ever call me. Every single phone call affects my mood. I could be in a great mood from our last date (the dates always go well) and then a phone call will somehow make me feel like he doesn't like me or like maybe I'm being too clingy and it RUINS my day. It's becoming extremely hard to deal with. I wish I didn't care about him...but as usual, if it isn't him I'm obsessed with, it will be someone else.

[byerslm]

Does anyone else here get insanely fixated on people to the point where the object of your fixation dominantes you ever waking moment?

I have had this problem since I was a little girl. I would fixate on another girl in my class. It's more than a sexual or in love thing.

Absolute fixation.

Of course there were lots of lovers that I would fixate on. Usually I would fixate on one person for a number of years before the object of my fixation changed to someone else.

Now I am happily married (have been with hubby for 10 years) married for 12 and yet I am fixated with some guy on a message board and he is kind of a jerk and yet I am totally and utterly besotted with him and my emotions go up and down like a rollercoaster and if I think he is mad at me or he isn't sending me enough private messages I feel horrible ache.

I AM WELL AWARE that it is COMPLETELY insane and stupid but it won't go away.

Anyone else have anything like this kind of weirdness?

I'm talking 24/7 obsession.

I have recently been diagnosed with BPD. Thought it was never my mother. I have always fixated on one particular person at a time and it was always my close friend. It is not sexual I had one therapist suggest I was bi sexual and I freeked because i knew it wasn't that. I am having difficulty dealing with this fixation on my current best friend and we are also sister in laws and so I am working my hardest to try and see that I need to focus on my husband of 16 years and my 3 children who need me to focus on them. I have to do self talk. and push myself to not think about her. its a strange thing and it hard to understand why it happens

I know she is usually the one I turn to when I am feeling down and anxious. She has a way of grounding me. the problem is I can't alway count on her to be there for every little glitch I have because thats not fair to her and its not healthy for me. so some times I don't know where to turn. I just fixated on her all over again.

[gingerwoman]

I'll still wonder (taking examples from my most recent fixation) what she's doing, has she sent me an e-mail, I'll check, nope, why doesn't she send me more texts, has she sent me an e-mail, I'll check, still nope, why not dammit, oh, a text from her, nice, now I'm on a high for half an hour. I know it's obsessional, even while it's happening, but like I said, doesn't help. And always the wondering of what the object of my fixation thinks of me, and thinking they hate me, then like me, and the jealousy over nothing...ugh. All the while I'm hiding all these emotions, they're none the wiser, I'm just a colleague/friend

Write now it just hurts so much if this message board guy doesn't send me any private messages. *insane*

I relate so much to all that and so much to stuff many of the rest of you said too.

i do the imaginary conversations and situations thing too. i can lose so much of my time to just daydreaming, its scary.

Yup same here exactly, to the point where I have lost jobs because of the daydreaming about the person

Thought it was never my mother. I have always fixated on one particular person at a time and it was always my close friend.

I wasn't fixated on my mother! I was just thinking that maybe the abuse from her set this off somehow since some people believe BPD is caused by abuse.

[pablambert]

AAAhhh, I don't believe it. Other people do this tooo!! My first obsession was when I was 12 years old ... i dreamed 2 nights ago that he finally felt the same way about me. All ... it's been 36 years and many obsessions since!!!!! Good Grief!!!! I was an equal opportunity obsessionist. And like you all, it had nothing to do with sexual desire. In fact, once I had the opportunity to go that direction with one of my most obsessive obsessions and it was a real turn off, I couldn't go through with it.

[hmmm]

Wow, I have had this obsessing problem since I was 15. It has controlled my life (and really screwed it up many times) from then until a few years ago when, lucky for me, I got to marry the last one I obsessed over, so now I finally have my fix.

My first two obsessions almost killed me. I had no idea I could live without them. I see that part of my life as a very dark, scary part.

[gingerwoman]

Oh it defintely can be sexual but that's not all it is and it can exist without that. It's actually very sexual with this message board person.

I finally blurted at him today that I think I'm in love with him and he told me I was insane and to wait till my period was over and I'd be ok.

[gingerwoman]

I keep picking fights with him and I've ruined our friendship now how do I get rid of this horrible ache?

[folder]

I've blurted out to someone how I felt before, and they too thought I was crazy, as I had shown absolutely no indication of my feelings hitherto and had lived everything in my head. And the absolute molten anxiety in the pit of my stomach stirred up by the fact they did not reciprocate...I just couldn't see past her to anyone else. The sad thing is, I only got over it by becoming fixated with someone else. I believe I know the ache you mean, gingerwoman, always made me feel like stabbing knives into my stomach, and I too would get it concerning messages (curse Myspace btw) and waiting on them. Even my fixation (I hate terming it that) not immedietely responding to a mundane text was an intolerable ordeal. Who am I kidding, *IS* an intolerable ordeal.

[aylaah]

yep, put my name down too. Having those same 'can't believe someone else has this' reaction over here!

I had the first that I really remember when I was 13, and it lasted until I was 17. Then it was someone else who ended up as my husband. That I never thought would happen!

Anyway then it was someone else, a close friend of ours and someone I've probably had one of the most turbulent relationships with - he triggers my abandonment issues more than any other person in my life, except maybe the ones who started the issue there, my parents.

I obsess over things sometimes too but the person obsessions are so difficult. I rarely act or even tell anyone about it, but its such an incredibly physical thing, and similarly it is more than sexual or romantic etc.

Someone finding out was always my worst nightmare, especially as a teen!

I think one of the worst aspects was when that first major obsession was complicated by my being raped by the target of my obsession. I remember, being 14, and unable to work out if I should be appalled that I was raped, or grateful for any attention I got. It took a long time for me to talk about that.

Now, the obsession with the friend comes and goes a bit depending on what is happening in life, whether i have contact with him, whether I see him, whether I hear about him - sometimes it takes very little to trigger a psychotic episode in me when it comes to him, so I have to tread very carefully.

We've just started speaking again recently, all via text message (as for seeing each other it was a wave across a crowded pub), and I'm really wary of what could happen. I'm trying to think a lot more than normal before I act, and trying to beat the obsessive thoughts and feelings, trying to remain somewhat detatched and logical. Here's hoping!

[Tory]

I was amased when i read this, I do this too. i know its totally irrational but I can't control it and it drives me mad. I get totally obsessed with certain people and it is really annoying.

I thought it was only me! I never told anyone before, I try hard to keep it hidden!

Tory

[jai]

me too

and it can consume waking hours stupdily, although nowadays i try to distract myself and not let it get the better of me.

[pablambert]

Uh, my daughter (early twenties) has left enough clues that I think she does this too. It's not a happy thought that she may have inherited this ridiculous trait from me. Does anyone have a clue as to what part of our illnesses this irrational people obsession is connected to? I remember coming face to face with one of my obsessions once and instead of smiling or saying hello, I turned and ran ... yes, I did, I ran at 8 months pregnant ... to my car and drove away as quickly as I could. We knew each other formerly, I never knew if she recognized me or realized what I had done. I was very happy when I found out she'd moved away.

[pucca_chick]

AHHHHHH! me too! i cant remember not having them. its never been sexual though. i dont understand it. its always been female teachers, tutors and stuff-recently its my doctor. i feel like a freak!

these people take over my life and occupy my mind constantly. i invent relationships with them, conversations and whole scenarios, i draw everything back to the person and question what they would make of it all. id never tell them. but strangely i miss them constantly and crave them, but they make me so nervous and uncomfortable when with them. id be devastated if they left me or even got annoyed at me, im terrified my doc will leave me. what is this part of?? xox

[gingerwoman]

these people take over my life and occupy my mind constantly. i invent relationships with them, conversations and whole scenarios, i draw everything back to the person and question what they would make of it all. id never tell them.

All of what I've quoted is the same with me. Except I do all these things to make them like me until eventually quite a few of them have become attached as a friend but it's not enough. And some have been lovers who I could never make love me.

Eventually after a very very long time of hiding things it usually does come out.

I only told the guy I thought I might be in love with him because he was mad at me for getting mad at him about something he'd said which I took the wrong way. I'm also mad at him because he has stopped sharing personal stuff about himself with me like he used to.

Anyway I am going to really try to break all contact off with him now.

I am very happily married there is no reason for this to be happening AGAIN with some jerk on the internet. lol

And he really is a jerk.

Someone asked what part of BPD it relates to. I'm thinking it relates to abuse issues maybe because my mother was alternately kind and sharing and then she would turn and be very spiteful and I always fixate on people with a spiteful streak but also the ability to talk about emotions with empathy.

That intermittant reinforcement from someone really hooks me.

Someone alternately caring and rejecting and hurtful.

Also it seems to relate to empty aching feeling. I get the aching and I want to fill it up with this person.

[gingerwoman]

I made this thread 2 days ago and sixteen seperate peoplehave replied . WOW!

[hmmm]

I was amased when i read this, I do this too. i know its totally irrational but I can't control it and it drives me mad. I get totally obsessed with certain people and it is really annoying.

I thought it was only me! I never told anyone before, I try hard to keep it hidden!

Tory

Me too! I've kept it hidden until now. I have always been so embarrassed!

[jai]

is this why we are scary?

sorry just a thought , being a fellow obsessor

jai

x