Obsessions With People

[gingerwoman]

I hope what Jai said won't scare people off the topic. All of us here obviously do our best to hide it as much as we can and as best we can, but still I guess it is scary.

I do identify with stalkers lol, but I don't abuse people. I've managed to make many of my obsessions love me as a friend but still male or female, sexual or not, I seemed insatiable for attention from them.

Still I tried my hardest to give them space and hide what was going on in my head.

[squirreal]

i think jai has a point in that for someone the idea of being actually stalked or intimidated by a person with an obsession is quite scary.

this happened to me over a prolonged period of time in which this person did actually get violent and caused a hell of a lot of damage by blackmailing me,impersonating me etc. nearly 3 years on and the other month i received a phone call randomly from this person, which shook me up because i'm still quite traumatized by that experience.

but at the same time i have had an obsession for six years which i have just about managed to keep under control. i.e. not behaved in a threatening manner. (although as a tiny-framed squirrel girl, i get about as scary as a flea on steroids!)... but i am sure i am guilty of some form of harrassment. and had i the physical/financial power, it is quite possible i may have further satiated my stalking urges. i do fantasise about kidnapping the person i am obsessed with. it's just incredibly unlikely i could pull it off (unless anyone wants to team up and chip in with hiring a van?! ) just jokin...sorry. need to make fun of myself somehow.

for me i think this is definitely the darker side of bpd. and why i have never ever discussed it with any therapist. even ones i trusted with everything else. to be honest, the power this obsession thing holds over me makes me a bit scared of myself.

but maybe talking about it is key to gaining better control of it?

im quite tired so am not sure if this post makes any sense or is a load of ramble. sorry if it is.

[becsnoamp]

Hi

I wasn't going to reply to this topic but as so many people have admitted they have this problem, then I guess I may as well own up too!

Like you all here though, I've kept it under my hat and have never become a pest to anyone or anything. Its just something that envelopes my own little world but wouldn't dream of acting out on anything!

[gingerwoman]

I'm little too. None of my targets have been afraid of me (not much anyway.) but I've just done every nice thing I could think of, gone out of my way to do all kinds of helpful things and supported them in their creative efforts or whatever so they have become grateful and become friends but then eventually they do or say something to upset me and then they become upset and confused they've upset me and then we make up and it goes round and round.

Sounds like I do take it furthur than some of you but I come to know them so well all their likes and dislikes and then I do lovely things for them.

They do enjoy the ego stroking.

[gingerwoman]

maybe talking about it is key to gaining better control of it?

Talking about it is really helping me right now because instead of going to the message board where the guy I'm obsessed with hangs out (and where he and I actually run our own silly message board that I worked my ass off getting people to come to to make him happy) I am coming here.

I need to get away from him so bad. He is actually a misogynist delux but I made him love me by stroking his ego so much and doing all sorts of things (I know how crazy this all is but I need to talk about to help me stay away)

Anyway this is really helping, seeing the messages here is keeping me from going to our old board and all the other boards linked to it. The place I have been going is a really hateful place all about flaming with dozens of linked boards the same people go to. It's a very bad place for me so I just need to get away from the whole scene.

[pablambert]

gingerwoman please obsess over me and do nice things in excess!!!!

[Steph]

Gingerwoman, all I have to say, is thank you for starting this topic. I'm glad I'm not the only one. :(

[aylaah]

My obsessions usually want closeness, openness and a really close friendship I guess. I think the obsessions I go through are very different to the 'psychopathic' ones we see all the time in the media - and it seems most people here have that difference too.

We're probably as opposite to psychopaths as possible - we have too much emotional reaction, they have none (its Psychopath month on the crime channel here, sorry I've been watching show after show), we have incredibly guilt and reactive issues, they have essentially no conscience.

I guess my point is that we want to be close and do good things for the targets of our obsessions, or know them - or have them truly know us - rather than wanting anything bad for them.

I think the targets are those who end up as the people we're most likely to 'idolise'. I know for me that is usually an indication I'll get obsessed, if a certain person can do no wrong, are on that pedestal, I'll fight to keep them there or reward them for it.

If they fall I just want nothing to do with them. Sort of.

Its such a mirky area for me, and largely because it is something that has been kept so incredibly quiet, for years and years! The idea that I can now talk openly means I have so many thoughts and opinions I want to share but can't get out!

[celticgirl]

I get this too.....wanting to get close to the person,be really open,trust....somehow i get it in my head that with that person in my life it'll all be ok.....then when reality hits i know that noone can make that difference except me.The people i obsess over are always female.Been trying to keep this part of BPD under control and its got better the last year or so....tends to happen more if i'm in a real low......everything thats been said on this thread makes so much sense,thankyou xx

[byerslm]

I've read all these postings and it is so amazing to me. I've been dealing with this for so long now it just seems to be part of who I am. I don't like it because it puts a strain on my relationship with my husband. He just has no idea how intence it can be for me because I haven't discussed it with him because I don't want to loose the one good thing in my life. I just wish I could share it fully with him so he could understand it. maybe he might be alright with it and understand that its part of the bpd, or maybe he wont. I just dont know. I do know that he hates the person I obesses about be cause he thinks my priorities are askew (should be him not anyone else).

thanks for bring up this topic. I dont feel as alone anymore

[gingerwoman]

byerslm I'm in the same situation in a way. My husband is so wonderul and there is nothing that is lacking in our marriage and yet I am obsessed with this jerk on the net.

He thinks my priorities are askew too.

[stuart-g]

Sorry to have to say this but being married to a BPD sufferer I have seen my wife become infatuated with many people. None of them are really interested but she becomes totaly besotted! I know realise that this is just part of her illness know but never the less it is still soul destroying ! Thats why Non BPD's need help to some times.

Stuart-G

[gingerwoman]

Oh that's awful Stu.

I'm hiding this from my husband but he just thinks my priorities are askew because he thinks I'm obsessed with this message board not a person on it.

[Elke.]

Quote: "I do the imaginary conversations and situations thing too. i can lose so much of my time to just daydreaming, its scary."

Yes I do this too (and I thought I was the only one who did this!!!). Although I did win control of it for a while (when I was feeling stronger) when everytime I caught myself talking in imaginary conversations telling myself "STOP TALKING TO HIM!"

xx

Elke

[gingerwoman]

I'm having one of my bad days.

Some days I think I'm totally over him and I can go on and then a day like to day I do things to make him like me then I do stuff to annoy him and he gets really mad.

He's a very very passionate person in the way he posts and private messages so his messages when he is happy with me are

GOD I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and when he's mad

omg YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH WHEN YOU DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly these are the type of messages I get from him and for an emotically reactive person like me it just does my head in and we private message each other all day.

And the thing I did that pissed him off was pretty bad. I don't know why I did it.

Just cause I can't get enough attention from him to satisfy me.

I even got my husband to block the message board so I couldn't go there but then I begged him to unblock it again ugggggg!

[gingerwoman]

Anyway my point was I'm having a bad day.

When he's mad at me I feel all sick inside and can't shake it off.

[samsung]

hell yes!!!!!!!!!

[popjoc]

I am quite new here and have been having serious problems recently. The main problem has been the Obsession with one person, but also the fact that my over obsessiveness has now driven her away from me and the emptiness in my life is totally unbearable.

I have gone through life like this, when I meet someone from the opposite sex who shows any remote interest in me then I cling to it and do everything i can to keep them close. like others not all have been sexual, but most have.

After my separation from my wife, who I am still obsessed with too. I met a girl online, and spent practically every minute of every day talking to her online, or by phone. After a couple of months, I moved over to be near where she lived. She was in Manchester, I was in N.Ireland. But I moved there so I could be closer to her, both physically and emotionally. I still had children and an ex wife over here, so it was a big thing for me to do this, and my family could not understand.

When I was there I had to be with her all the time, I could not let her out of my sight, even when she was working I would ring her mobile and everything. I know now that it became too much of an obsession for her. But I did something I was not overly proud of and cant believe that I am admitting this. I got on to her computer and noticed that she was chatting to other guys when I wasnt there, I got angry. I made up pretend phone calls to these guys in front of her. I became very distressed, all because I thought I was going to lose her. The last straw though was that I stole her cash card so that she could get money to go away for a weekend, and I even got her pin number and withdrew her money....I did give this back tho.

At that point, the money thing, I knew I couldnt be with her anymore and moved back to N.Ireland. She struggled for a while to understand my actions, but eventually she came to understand that I had this problem and we began talking normally again. And even though I wasnt with her physically I felt more obsessed this time. She had come back to me despite everything I had done.

Now as I have mentioned on another thread, she will not contact me anymore, except an email once a week, (but its been 8 days since I heard from her). It is not enough for me, and I am finding it all very difficult.

Sorry for going on a bit, but when I saw this thread I just had to reply with my own story.

POP

[strat]

I'm not quite the same. I obsess about people whom I perceive have wronged me in some way, and I can feel the pain of what they've "done to me". This can go on for many years. For example, I still obsess about a girl who dumped me 25 years ago.

strat

[gingerwoman]

popjoc! ((((hugs))))) OMG! Thank you so much for sharing your story. Kudos to you. I am so sorry you have been going through such a hard time.

You took the money because you couldn't bear her going on a trip with another man is that right? But then because deep down you are not a bad person you confessed and gave it all back right?

I'm not sure if I have done anything quite that extreme but if I thought about it long enough maybe I have.

Once when my lover lent me his house key to go back to his studio and freshen up I ran and made a copy of it so I could always get in to the building which locked it's doors after 5 at night so you couldn't get in without a key or I would get in at 5:00 and hide from the security guards until he got home from University.

It was total madness really. He didn't love me or even want me as a girlfriend but he did want to have sex with me.

Strat I do that too (lol) but it's less important.

Actually when I was younger I was the revenge Queen because I was jealous and bitter that I had never had a real boyfriend but my 12 year relationship has made me not like that anymore thank God.

I did used to get revenge on ex lovers. I burnt a hole in a painting that my artist lover (the one whose key I stole) did of another woman he fancied but he was able to fix it so it's not as bad as it sounds. He only painted that to try and seduce her anyway.

He was using me for sex and wouldn't be seen with me as a girlfriend in public and I was completely besotted with him so I let him.

I only burned a small hole in the painting when he said we shouldn't sleep together any more.

I know, I'm crazy. That was 15 years ago though!

Now I just have this problem with my obsession with this guy.

I'm having a good day now and I got my husband to use blocking software so I can't access the message board that this guy and I contact each other on.

It's the only way because I have no self control not to go to that message board.

[popjoc]

Yes Gingerwoman, I thought she was going away with another man, but she wasnt that was just my jealousy and obsession with her. But I did admit I took her card and withdrew her money, and like I say I did give it all back. but it was a horrible thing to do, and it wasnt fair on her. But i couldnt bear that she wasnt going to be there for a whole weekend. Even now I cant bear going a day without talking to her, but I havent heard from her in over a week and its getting very difficult

POP

[Marchmadness]

Hell yes, I have the same problem. I am BPD, but I'm told that this is a normal trait of BPD. But with BPD just what the hell is normal. I would have to say my obsession as of lately is my therapist. I mean it is a 24/7 thing. Yes I am married too. Have been for 19 years. But yet, I still think about my secessions, replay conversations in my head, and I have even thought what would it have been like to have her as a mom. It is so crazy, but she is the first person who has really listened to me, without judement. What a concept. Not to be judged. I go from one person to another. They seem to last for a couple of years. I have been in and out of therapy for years, but have never had a therapist who really touched my heart. But it scares the hell out of me to be that close to someone. So I keep her at arms length. This has to be the first time that I actually admitted to the fact that I have seem to cling onto one person. Hey thanks for bringing up the topic,

Marchmadness

[roadster]

Does anyone else here get insanely fixated on people to the point where the object of your fixation dominantes you ever waking moment?

I have had this problem since I was a little girl. I would fixate on another girl in my class. It's more than a sexual or in love thing.

Absolute fixation.

Of course there were lots of lovers that I would fixate on. Usually I would fixate on one person for a number of years before the object of my fixation changed to someone else.

Now I am happily married (have been with hubby for 10 years) married for 12 and yet I am fixated with some guy on a message board and he is kind of a jerk and yet I am totally and utterly besotted with him and my emotions go up and down like a rollercoaster and if I think he is mad at me or he isn't sending me enough private messages I feel horrible ache.

I AM WELL AWARE that it is COMPLETELY insane and stupid but it won't go away.

Anyone else have anything like this kind of weirdness?

I'm talking 24/7 obsession.

[gingerwoman]

roadster did you have more to say?

[sez]

Hi gingerwoman

I have been following this thread since you have started it and have only just worked up the courage to reply.

I have the same problem it has been happening for a hell of a long time but the most recent examples are of my GP, an ex-bf i had when i was 13(whom lives on the other side of the country) and my husbands brother, and the obsession swings quite quicly from one person to the next even though i would NEVER act on these obsessions that sometimes consume my life 24/7 it is still very frustrating that i even think about these people in a sexual way and it feels that i am cheating on my husband just by thinking of these people which in turns causes tension between us.

sez