hummm_mabbe Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 Just one final thing - you have mentioned in the past that your marriage had been 22 years of a loveless relationship. Now that the kids have left, you may want to consider if all those years of feeling trapped, coming home to roost, arent the actual root of what you are feeling now - but are unable to do anything about it because you are kept stuck by your dependence schema in that marriage. Again the lifetrap book will give you information on this.Sorry to be so brutally honest but it was on my mind and I couldnt not say it - by all means tell me to shut up if I am way off the mark.Ross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 16, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 did - read it again - the other nightyesI agreeIt couldnt just be the marriage - because of what happened before, and what drove me into itbut the old T is backthe one they all wantedI guess thats why I feel relieved - because I havent changed - the devil you know and all thatYep - I know that is weak and bad, butI am not just up to it anymore - I am too tired - so They have got what they wanted and I hold up my hands and surrendered. say whatever Ross, I dont mind - you are normally on the mark, not off it !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel123 Posted October 16, 2008 Report Share Posted October 16, 2008 walker i really dont know what to say. I dont believe for one minuite that you made all this up.How could you? You were given a diagnosis and came here for support. At the moment i have not really got no one. Well a SW that has not even got the time for me and does not do anything to help. So dont think that because you have lost your therapist there is nothing wrong. It is the NHS for you.I lost 2 within 3 months and i am still struggling with it.Hope we see you again soon.Take care xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted October 17, 2008 Report Share Posted October 17, 2008 i have been through the same feelings of being not ill, just making things worse and yet in moments of clarity i can see just how fucked up some of my behaviours are.you have as much right to be here as anyone else, no one should feel pain and no one persons pain is more or less than anyone elses, it is relative and it is ours. no one else feels our pain, it is physically impossible. though they may feel akin to what we can describe, they can never know for sure that their pain is just the same.sometimes i think that the only reason i get referred anywhere is to 'pass the buck' to get rid of me for a while. deep down i need to realize that they are trying their best, but when the best doesnt work its hard to believe this is all they have.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2008 it has all turned back on me, nowmy faultI should have changed, and I didntI knew it was going to happenbut I just couldnt stop itand nowits hurting and hurtingbut i am in my own trap - raging at myselfno one to blame, but me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wednesday Posted October 18, 2008 Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 ((((Walker))))All this guilt is keeping you trapped.When I look at myself, my critical side is always getting to me with:-how dare you be a teacher-you are crazy-look at the things you have done-you are a fraud- you will be found out and your life and the lives of your children a misery- noone would let you near their children- how could you have done this to your family: you could have stopped yourself: you're just weak and useless.Maybe you are right, maybe this voice is right. Every time I have a bad lesson or a bad day it pipes up. Perhaps I should by all rights, give in , give up work and accept my fate and sit about with my regrets and my saddness for the rest of my life. I am serious- maybe that is right. Who would it help? Would it help my family? Do I just give up on myself pile on the guilt? Trying not to look back is hard. Trying not to worry about the future is hard. It is very difficult to look at yourself and think, if only I hadn't been so soft on myself, I could have done...... or indeed hating yourself just for being weak and vulnerable.Whatever has been my fualt in the past and whatever I have put my family through, the best thing I can do for htem now, is to do my best to get better by living in the day. They do not care about my guilt. I know I cannot be well through willpower alone.Please give yourself a break from all the guilt. Whatever you have done in the past, all you can do now is to focus on the moment.I know what you mean about psychiatrists, they have used the carrot of understanding and help for me to coerce me into taking medication. You are right too. I do take medication because I know that it is better for others. You need to make your own decisions about that, I am not trying to persuade you. Your circumstances are different from mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 18, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 it seems doing best for the family is all there isDoing best for me is unknownbut I am tiredtired of hiding, but also tired of seeing the futility of it all, tired of thinkingi dont know if I am ready to return to a life feeling so emptyAll it is , is a cover up for all the pain and hurt we all feel - and there we are - back againDONT FEEL NEGATIVE EMOTIONS - they are BAD - hide them, squash them, keep busy and take meds - so no one knows that badness within my heartso so tired Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
messedupgirl Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 sitting hererealising how I have ruined everythinghow i have been living under the guise of 'illness' for months now - and no one has kicked me hard enough to set me straightI am not illI want to be illYou are illYou DONT want to be illyou spend your energy struggling with each day - trying to find good in your livesI spend my energy forcing myself to do nothing, holding myself back, hiding and avoiding my lifeI am on the point of giving upof putting my smile back onof saying sorry to the world for being such a manipulative liarI am hiding from life - because it didnt feel like mine - but there seems to be no other - or not one I have the strength or energy to findI am so tired of the mess - the mess that I have created - that is caused by me - that I feel imprisoned byThis is all just a lie - a bloody great big lie - filling my ears, my eyes and my headCrashing around inside me - wrapped in layer upon layer of guilt and shameBeating my consciousness over and over againNO ONE else would behave as YOU do, selfish, manipulative, scheming woman set to destroy everything that was good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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