Invalidation As Trigger For Anger

[roxy222]

The reason your still hurt,

Is your mother has not told you why she did these things;

You will never get an answere from her,

Because she thinks she’s done right thing;

Now what you need to do,

Is if you can research your mothers childhood,

Without being caught, it will give you some understanding

To your mothers treatment, once you find out you will know that to do,

You must move on, or it will destroy you,,,,gavin

totally disagree, i think forcing yoruself to move on is what destroys you, manipulates emotions and is just more invalidation coming from oneself. i know my ms past, i understand perfectly, but that means nothing, as it is no excuse at all

[roxy222]

wobbles you say 'simpley the emotional abuse'. in general it is often viewed as 'milder' probably cause people in general can be so in denial, but as someone who has been through all extreem forms of abuse the emotional stuff is by far the most truamatic of all, especially when coming from the primary care giver. all the stuff written on truama responses etc entirely applies to emotional abuse on its own cause that feels much more life threatening than anything else, and invalidation is the core part of emotional abuse and neglect

Roxy, you're so right!!! I'm so glad you picked up on that, as it has helped me see how i'm still invalidating myself and what i went through. That the emotional and psychological abuse, wasn't sexual or physical so it musn't be as valid, i have always felt the need to justify it and there have always been thoughts like 'Oh it wasn't that bad, get over it, stop being such a sook'. Etc.

It's not just simply emotional abuse, you're right, it's just as valid as any other type, and often far more damaging.

Thanks hun.

i would volantarily go through all the rest of it again, the s/a and r/a from just a baby by many many people, the p/a, medical abuse, neglect, all of it and all its consequences (and believe me thats no mild claim, i am plagued by dissociation, memeory gaps, fbs and nightmares and intrusive images) if i could just only have a m who acknowledged my existance and who even if they didnt love me atleast did not kill my soul everyday for the fun of it. if i could have had that tiniest bit of origentation, that sence of self, some form of healthy attachment instead of it being twisted against me just because i was alive, i am v v sure that i would have been able to cope with all the rest much more successfully tahn i have, that i wouldnt have had to kill off all of my memories or proove time and time again how worthless and insignificant i was, hand myself over for humilation and torture to anyone in sight. i am v v lucky that i have recieved genuine care and respect from others, neighbours when i was little, friends parents and a tutor when i was older, which is why i think im getting there with some of that now, somehow something in me remembers that feeling and seaks it out from others and demands it from myself, but the pain left by being so utterly irrelevant to the m is by far worse and far more permenant than all the rest of it. the one common factor all types of abuse have is that they all contain elements of emotional abuse, it is what underlies all harm done, and is doubley poisonous by how subtle and undetectable it is, especially when it comes from the m.

Roxy I couldn't help crying when I read this, because it was like reading my own thoughts. Until yesterday I had felt that I had accepted the neglect/invalidation/hurt from my mum. I no longer have anything to do with her and have been much more fulfilled, happy and able to move on in my life since cutting contact. However I had a conversation with my cousin on msn yesterday where she was telling me I should get back in touch with my mum and giving all the standard reasons why I should. Once again I felt misunderstood, put in the role of the perpertrator and invalidated for all I had been through and all the hurt my mother had caused me over the years.

Now in the past this hasn't bothered me at all, I've shrugged it off in the knowledge that I knew I was doing the right thing for me and my children, but suddenly I felt so angry, angry at everyone being blind to my mum's cruelty, lack of concern or care for me, neglectfulness, resentment towards me. And worst of all I reacted to it, I vindictively told my cousin all the bad things about my mother, not just what she'd done to and how she'd treated myself and my brother over the years, but even about affairs she had had that are really none of my concern.

My intent hadn't been an honest one of wanting to inform her or warn her what my mother was like out of some kind of genuine concern, but of pettiness, anger and vindictivness. I felt all these things as I was telling her but couldn't hold myself back. Afterwards and still I feel so much guilt at behaving this way, I know it was wrong of me to do, I know it was a reaction I should not have given regardless of how I was feeling at the time or how triggered I felt.

But most of all, after at least a year of believing that the way my mother is and was towards me was accepted and moved on from, that in fact I have clearly not accepted it, I am clearly still hurting and still angry about it.

And much like you, I feel as though had I only had a mother that loved me, cared about me, validated me and listened I would have been able to take all the other bad stuff that happened to me as a child and as an adult. Perhaps this is not how everyone feels, perhaps others that were validated as a child by parents and loved ones still feel the same suffering or more suffering than I do, but I feel for me personally that I would have coped better if I'd just had that support and validation from my mother.

With that being said, I feel it would be too late now even if she suddenly changed and became the mother I always wanted her to be.

im not 100% convinced the pain and anger will ever exactly go away entirely. like maybe often we will get to stages where we think it will, and maybe it will for those times, but likely can be triigered again by other things, the horror of a m like that brought up all over again. maybe is not a bad thing like this though, allways allways we can remember what not to be if we allways remember and allways empathise with the childs point of view.

i think the longing and pain is testament to the huge significance of an m, which for us maybe devestating but in general kinda amazing thing, means that whateevr happens in life, all of the millions of uncontrolable things, people can cope providing they have a m who does validate and love and value them, which is pretty amazing cause means we can choose to be that kind of m, which makes a real difference to the world, even though we cant control all the terrible things out there, makes the most sence in the world to me. and even just with other children, coming across someone somewhere who truely sees them and shows genuine care for their well being, can mean the difference between life and death (for me it did without doubt) or life as a good person who continues to build and add to the world, or someone who does terrible things, even though its sucha tiny imput, tiny thing can have such great importance