Why I Want To Be Diagnosed With Bpd

[Data]

I have seen my pdoc twice now and he has never given me a definite diagnosis. The first time he mentioned something about "personality problems". I suspect he disagrees with my therapist that I have BPD, since I answered "no" to a lot of his questions about things like self-harm, and he screwed his face up when it was mentioned. To be honest, I am too afraid to ask outright for a diagnosis in case he gives me something inconclusive or vague, because I will just feel invalidated and get angry with him.

My therapist and the manager of the therapy centre both feel strongly that I have BPD, and I agree with them. I feel comfortable having a label for my problems. If I don't have a label, or I have vague diagnosis like "personality problems" or "BPD traits", then that makes me feel like people are not taking me seriously. It makes me feel like people don't believe me when I say how much pain I am in.

Its blatantly obvious that I have a personality disorder (although some of the fuckwit psychiatrists saw me dozens of times and didn't even spot it) since I have had problems since before the age of 5.

Some people feel that having a BPD diagnosis from a psychiatrist is detrimental since you are stigmatised. Well, my experience with GPs is that they don't even know what personality disorders are, so its hard for them to stigmatise you. One GP suggested to me that personality disorders don't exist.

Some of the labels I've been given by doctors in the past have been judgemental and vague:

• "anxiety, immature personalty and obsessional traits"
• "bascially a personality problem... gets depressed, cannot relate to other people, and goes into a deep psychosis"

I have had many health professionals tell me that I am not ill, or that I should take prozac and go away, that I am emotionally immature, that I just need to get a job, that I don't need help, that I am incredibly selfish, etc etc etc. Having come from this background of judgmental nurses, and vague and rapidly changing diagnoses, I feel I need a name for my problems to hold onto. And my therapist has given me that.

Several people online have suggested that I am not BPD because I don't fit the stereotype. They have also questioned why I feel uncomfortable about not having a BPD diagnosis. In my opinion, this thing about counting the criteria on the DSM is a load of bollocks. Nobody who actually understands BPD should need a tick list like that to diagnose it. And, some people get a little more stable with age, and may stop "acting out" as much, so the number of criteria you meet goes down, but in my opinion it does not mean you no longer have BPD. The disorder is for life, I am afraid.

The other thing about not having a BPD diagnosis is that I am denied access to DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy). They do it in my area, it wasn't even mentioned to me by my pdoc, and its supposed to be very good.

I am sorry if people feel I am attention-seeking, or am trying to make people feel sorry for me, but this is how I feel, and I wanted to explain it.

[anastasia]

and you think that having the label will make it better? That miraculously you'll get dbt? it doesn't work that way, especially not on the nhs. even with a diagnosis, do you honestly think they'll mention it? If you feel that strongly about having it, perhaps it's worth paying for it yourself? it'll be quicker and easier in the long run.

honestly data, if you feel this is your problem the only way you'll find out is if you ask them. what's the point in pissing around and making them do the guessing when you think you already know what the prpoblem is? But what will your reaction be if they don't agree with you? If they say "well, you have some of the traits but we dont believe that you have bpd"? what then? will you continue to disagree with them or would you be ale to accept it? Either way, you need to accept that the only way you find out in the first place is to bring it up. yes your pdoc may have shrugged it off the first time but did you ask why he did that?

the label doesn't change anything.

[Data]

Having a label will make me feel more comfortable, since it makes me feel like I am not just "making it up" or that I am wrong for seeking help again and again and again. It reassure me that it is not my fault.

So, it will change something.

I know you don't suddenly get DBT. However, I think you can guarrantee that if you have no BPD diagnosis you won't get it.

And, I will bring it up with the pdoc next time.

[anastasia]

the bpd label doesn't stop people thinking you're making it up! it just makes them give up on treating you in many cases cos they dont think it can be "fixed" and it's too much like hard work.

and what other people think surely doesn't change anything? you're never in the wrong for seeking help and if people think you are that's their problem not yours.

sorry, i just, i cant agree with it at all. it's normal to want to know what's wrong but if you already (think) you know then why not just accept it and work on changing it without the label?

[Sammy]

hrm good luck with not being stigmatised if you get that diagnosis, good luck with not becoming another 'write off' that can't be helped, good luck with them not signing you off the books as bpd'ers best treatment is to take responsibility for themselves and have the least amount of intervention as possible from professionals or anyone else. Maybe you need to read more bpd'ers experiences with how they are treated by the medical profession and others around them. Being diagnosed with bpd is just a fast tracked route out of the system, and away from support, not into it. Once you get a bpd diaganosis you'll spend the rest of you're life trying to get support, trying to get people to believe you're not just attention seeking or making it all up in your head. And it's a lot harder to get rid of a diagnosis or have it changed than it is to get one, so be careful what you wish for.

[anastasia]

i'm glad someone agrees with me

[Ruth24]

I hate the fact I have BPD on my medical records. Undefinable mental health problem would be a lot better, in my opinion

I have never been offered DBT or CBT

Ruthie

x

[anastasia]

perhaps it would just be better if we all had "waste of dr's time" on our records?

[Ambrosia]

Data-I hope you don't feel like i am attacking you here but i have to agree with what the others have wrote.

You say you want to be diagnosed with BPD?ok fair enough,BPD is shite,why would you want to have it?I don't understand?It is just a label,It won't change who you are.I really don't like having BPD either it really is a crappy mental illness.Just ask your pdoc next time you see him,one way or the other he will tell you.

Lavender xxx

[Sammy]

Also you can learn all the dbt techniques online or from books, they are just about life coping skills, no real talking therapy or anything like you get one to one right now. You learn about untwisting twisted thinking, halting thoughts, mindfulness, all these things can be learnt elsewhere, and regardless of whether it helps you or not, you'll still be treated like a time wasting attention seeker for the rest of your life as long as you have the diagnosis.

[recurrencebat]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying Data - I have a BPD diagnosis but I basically had to diagnose myself (well my boyfriend at the time happened to go through a BPD screening test and gave me the info). I then talked my psychiatrist around to agreeing with me!

I have had the same useless doctors, no dbt and very interestingly, no offer of therapy at all until I said I was going private - I am now miraculously on the waiting list, I don't even know exactly what for. My psychiatrist was incredibly vague, as she always is.

I think the diagnosis helps a lot, as any increased awareness about yourself will be a useful tool in allowing you to get better. Understanding the symptoms and the learning exactly HOW you are reacting and experiencing the world is particularly beneficial if you are experiencing distortions in thinking, identity disturbances or dissociation. Without something to check yourself against at all, you can feel very lost and overwhelmed. KNOWING that this is the problem can be very validating and helpful if used in the right way.

All that said, you have probably taken all the steps you can anyway by going for psychotherapy yourself. There are useful books on dbt available and the techniques are hardly rocket science - if you have a good therapist to talk things through with and give dbt a go on your own, you have as good a chance as anyone of improving. That's my approach to this and I think it's pretty sensible.

One final point is that different people can be very different indeed in their approach to their mental health problems. While a diagnosis does not matter to some, it does to others and I can fully understand why it matters to you, as it did to me.

Becca

x

[saffron]

I understand why you want to know Data. I feel like that. Its like having what you feel validated. Having done by someone who is supposed to understand makes it more tangible, I suppose. something definate. I hate living in limbo not really knowing but believing it myself, I want someone else to agree with me. I makes me feel as though Ive been listened to. that ive been right, that there has been a reason why I am like I am. although I think you have to be careful about self diagnosis. I think your therapist should be making a more active attempt in getting you more help though, if she beleives in what she is saying. she cant just drop a dx and then say goodbye and let you get on with the next fight alone. its almost like 'job done'.

take care all#

Saffron :)

[Data]

Data-I hope you don't feel like i am attacking you here but i have to agree with what the others have wrote.

You say you want to be diagnosed with BPD?ok fair enough,BPD is shite,why would you want to have it?I don't understand?

Its not a question of wanting to have BPD. I have it whether I like it or not. I'd rather have good mental health instead, though!

Also you can learn all the dbt techniques online or from books, they are just about life coping skills, no real talking therapy or anything like you get one to one right now. You learn about untwisting twisted thinking, halting thoughts, mindfulness, all these things can be learnt elsewhere, and regardless of whether it helps you or not, you'll still be treated like a time wasting attention seeker for the rest of your life as long as you have the diagnosis.

But I have been given really terrible treatment in the past without a BPD diagnosis: judged, distriminated against etc.

Your experiences may not be shared by everyone. The lady at the therapy centre certainly did not treat me like this; she has been on training courses to learn how to treat BPD.

And I know you can get books in DBT but it can't be as good as doing it in person.

[Roses]

It is difficult, I am not being offered DBT or schema which I desperately need, cos I have not go an officla PD dx. I have this dx: chronic recurrent depressive disorder + anxiety + psychosis + ED (bulimia/anorexia) + body dysmorphia. I want them to put it all together and see it is not about lots of different stuff buncehd together, it is one PD that is ruining my life and they are not giving me the correct treatment as they are blinkered. But at the same time I do not want a PD dx I just have run out of ideas. After being ill from a child and since age 16 in and out of services (so that's 16 years of crap) I have got nowhere and if anything havbe got worse and worse.

Sometimes a dx is essential to treatment but at the same time it is true, be careful what you wish for. And personally I don't think you have BPD although I would agree you have some form of personality disorder, just not that one.

[donnam]

i agree with some of things data said, i found it very unsettling not to have a diagnosis, probably because i didnt trust i was receiving the correct treatment. though that is not to say i want to be dx'ed with bpd, i just wanted to know what was wrong with me, i didnt care what the answer was as such, as long as i could research to make sure i was getting the correct treatment. guess i am lucky in the fact my gp's seem to care, ask me to go back etc, and if i ring up urgently, they call back, but yes i have also had the other side of the coin, and dont actually like telling people my dx, as i think they will run a mile- generally they will from my experience.

[Ruth24]

I was relieved when i got a diagnosis. It explained why i was the way i was. But i had never heard of it before

If i were to take the test again now, I doubt i would fit the criteria. I haven't self harmed in months and the suicidal tendnacies have gone. I have better control over my moods and feel more relaxed around other people.

But I still have BPD on my medical records. If i could have gone through the recovery without a diagnosis of BPD (and i didn't get a lot of help, no CBT no DBT). I wish my diagnosis of depression had stayed, i would have got the same help with that as i did with BPD.

Having a diagnosis of BPD doesn't always open the doors for treatment. A diagnosis of any PD will still put you on a long waiting list.

I agree with roses. I don't think your diagnosis is BPD. You should speak to your psych and ask him/her

Ruthie

x

[Russell]

I can understand the need and desire to know what your Diagnosis is and if it is something you really want then I wish you the very best in finding it.

At the end of the day everybody is different, what works for some might not work for others.

I have always had the mind-set that I can fight something if I know what it is, but how do you fight something that is vague or maybe non exsistent!?

I think having the dianosis could be useful in certain areas of life. It could give a sense of belonging, it could clarify why you are the way you are and it could simply get rid of the doubt of not knowing.

If you really want to know Data I think you should start asking direct questions of those people over seeing your care. I know there are accpeted medical reasons for withholding diagnosis so if there is one it may take some digging.

Again, Good luck with it mate.

[Ambrosia]

Data-I hope you don't feel like i am attacking you here but i have to agree with what the others have wrote.

You say you want to be diagnosed with BPD?ok fair enough,BPD is shite,why would you want to have it?I don't understand?

Its not a question of wanting to have BPD. I have it whether I like it or not. I'd rather have good mental health instead, though!

I am sorry if i misread what you wrote then.When i was diagnosed with BPD i wouldn't accept it at first it did take time.

I do hope you find all the answers Data.

[Data]

And personally I don't think you have BPD although I would agree you have some form of personality disorder, just not that one.

I agree with roses. I don't think your diagnosis is BPD. You should speak to your psych and ask him/her

I thank you for your honesty and I am sure you both mean well. However, I find this highly triggering.

[Roses]

It is bound to be triggering as it is hard to see things outside of how you feel. I hope that with time and in consultation with your doctor and therapist, that you can find which dx is closest to your symptoms.

[daisy duck]

i get what your saying data...sometimes having a name for why i am the way i am would be a relief.

i can understand why you would feel this way.

i hope you get the help you need

xx

[Ruth24]

I'm sorry my comment triggered you data. My concern is, is that you get so obsessed with the idea of BPD, that if you get another diagnosis, will you be able to accept it?

I just want you to be wary of self diagnosis because your symptoms are not all BPD traits and i feel there is more to in than that. I hope you get a diagnosis, but i want you to get the right one and accept it

Ruthie

x

[detroitguy]

Sometimes I think it is best to focus on symptoms rather than a specific diagnosis because a lot of symptoms overlap many diagnoses. Then one should find what works best to treat those symptoms (therapy, medication, etc.). I honestly don't know what my diagnosis is but I am getting effective treatment for the specific symptoms I am having problems with - Detroitguy.

[Data]

It is bound to be triggering as it is hard to see things outside of how you feel. I hope that with time and in consultation with your doctor and therapist, that you can find which dx is closest to your symptoms.

I know you think I am dangerous, Roses. I know you want to keep your distance from me because you think I will harm people. You deleted me from your facebook.

But I am full of love really.

[Ruth24]

deleted