I Have A Very Upset Girlfriend. Please Help.

[Love&Me]

What I did NOT mention in my original post is that I am very nice to my girlfriend the majority of the time, in fact it's rare for me to be actually cruel towards her.

Stopped reading I think you must be on the wind up. You could find something better to do with your time as I have with mine so I am not reading what you've written.

[Vanille13]

What I did NOT mention in my original post is that I am very nice to my girlfriend the majority of the time, in fact it's rare for me to be actually cruel towards her.

Stopped reading I think you must be on the wind up. You could find something better to do with your time as I have with mine so I am not reading what you've written.

Then perhaps you shouldn't have posted at all? I mean the entire purpose of this post was to show me that you do not care for what I have to say. That's very childish of you.

[Vanille13]

we're all, to a greater or lesser extent, weird vanille! thank you for your extensive and considered replies. you certainly have my respect for your honesty - most people would not be so willing to discuss their strengths and weaknesses so openly. i hope that you folks can work it out.

there may or may not be more to your girlfriend's issues than there appears to be at face value - i guess you'll just have to wait and see if she ever feels comfortable and confident enough to open up.

you also mention that her opinions are volatile and changeable. That is something many of us here will know a great deal about, however that does not mean that she has BPD. The percentage of people in the population with BPD is quite low. People in general change their opinions from time to time and also people wear a mask that shows the things they want to show to the world, or that they think that the world expects them to show. This means that people appear quite changeable depending on the extent to which you are being allowed beneath the mask. People are also subject to the vagaries of their internal biochemistry and especially to the daily, monthly and yearly hormonal cycles, which means that their emotional state changes dramatically from time to time, altering their behaviour and brain chemistry considerably (sorry for the biology lesson - I earn a crust as a professional biologist...) So the fact that she's variable is, in my experience, normal.

and as for your issues - you acknowledge your own weaknesses frankly and that is a good start. in my opinion (for what it is worth) you probably will find, over the next few years, that you have underestimated (at this point in time) their importance and impact. In other words, when you look back to now, you will realise that there was more to fix than you were willing to admit needed fixing.

i'm glad that 90% of the time you are both happy and hope that, with a lot of work, this percentage will increase.

good luck

edited for bad typing - I smashed my right arm a few years ago and type mostly one handed - it knackers the quality of the product!

Thankyou for the response. I didn't ever consider that she has BPD; she raised it some months ago and spoke to her doctor but he dismissed it. I think that her changed of heart are normal too, though I do not understand the biology behind it anywhere near as you do. Also I do appreciate details, we both take an interest in science, her especially. It's just confusing, I mean one day she's proposing some crazy sex ideas, then one day she wants it to stop. I really do feel she's been completely honest and she really doesn't understand her problems at all, which is why i'm hoping somebody here may have any idea from what i've said. I felt I needed to be pro-active and do research myself.

It would be stupid and naive of me to disagree with you about my problems. I know that they will most likely mature and surface later on in life, but at the moment i'm rather comfortable with myself. At the moment I have set my self improvement goals towards changing habits to alter my productivity and general mood. About a year ago I struggled to get any work done, despite thinking about it all the time, my feelings took over massively and I felt myself pulled to bed every time I considered doing work, due to the perfection I expect from myself. This has changed dramatically and it's not really relevant to our problem; it's just what i'm working towards and so far i'm winning. It would be very hard for me to predict what problems I will have, as I feel content with my current situation, but logic tells me that they will arise later, as they have done consistently through my life.

As for the 90% happiness thing, I mean obviously this is a guess and you know it, but I actually think it may be higher, considering how much time we really do spend together. I'm confident that if there were any observers to our intimate moments that they would agree that we're very close and work well together, it's just a shame that id doesn't come across in my posts. Any observers would most likely consider us to be intelligent and not naive, though our relationship is immature in literal time, especially if we end up married together for many decades.

I think our problems clash somewhat, but it doesn't seem to be a destructive relationship. I need to make sure that I'm careful with my jokes. This will most likely insult many people, but I learned a few years ago that what women (under ~35) say they want is in fact different to what they truly want, or what is good for them. I suppose I should have carried that thought through to our social humour; she wants it and does not want me to change it, but it's not good for her.

I do however feel that I have much to learn about the intricacies oh relationships between humans, as they seem to be unfathomably complex, but compared to most people I think i'm doing well!

[Love&Me]

I said it as I think people are giving time to someone who is just saying inflammatory things. To say it is rare for you to be cruel!

[Vanille13]

I said it as I think people are giving time to someone who is just saying inflammatory things. To say it is rare for you to be cruel!

Anybody who claims they are never cruel is just lying completely. Everybody has moments where they say something they don't mean. It happens very rarely and I can only recall probably 1 or 2 times in 2 years of constant contact that i've ever been really mean and that was during a heated argument. I felt the need to say i'm rarely cruel, because everybody had the initial impression that I am cruel and I wanted to dispel that. IF you actually read what I have to say then you'd realise i'm not a horrible person, even if you disagree with my arguments.

[fedup!]

SO BORED BORED BORED OF PEOPLE COMING ON THIS FORUM TO WIND OTHERS UP.

Quick hint to any newbies who are looking to join here: it may be an idea to actually offer support to others as well as asking for it.

Vanillie13 - I am over the moon that you have found something to do, other than deliberately pissing your girlfriend off and harbouring porn by coming on here to annoy folk. However you won't find much sympathy here with your current attitude.

Suggest you ask for actual help, rather than try to make us think your girlfriend is an idiot. She isn't - but maybe have a look at your own behaviour before you come on a MH forum and start shouting the odds.

[Love&Me]

I scanned your reply and within that quick scan I will say I am not judging you as a horrible person I think you are an attention seeker and what you are saying is mostly ridiculous or perhaps a fantasy, I don't know.

[Love&Me]

SO BORED BORED BORED OF PEOPLE COMING ON THIS FORUM TO WIND OTHERS UP.

Quick hint to any newbies who are looking to join here: it may be an idea to actually offer support to others as well as asking for it.

Vanillie13 - I am over the moon that you have found something to do, other than deliberately pissing your girlfriend off and harbouring porn by coming on here to annoy folk. However you won't find much sympathy here with your current attitude.

Suggest you ask for actual help, rather than try to make us think your girlfriend is an idiot. She isn't - but maybe have a look at your own behaviour before you come on a MH forum and start shouting the odds.

Yes I don't think there is much truth in this story so I am saying stop wasting your time writing to annoy and upset and I will stop reading so I am not annoyed and upset. Fedup! I agree with you.

[Love&Me]

Paranoia!

[fedup!]

No lovely - that post was directed at Vanilie 13 only! Sorry for any confusion there xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Love&Me]

I thought so but paranoia kicked in and I got all wobbly. No problems.

[Fanta]

What a day.

[fedup!]

I agree - sorry if I'm prickly at the mo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Fanta]

No your not being picky fed up I agree with you, This thread is pathetic and is such a joke. xxxxxxx

[fedup!]

Come on then Growly - let's get out of here! Won't post in here again, not worth getting upset over! xxxxxxxx

[Fanta]

haha done deal xxxxxx

[Christine001]

hi gals and guys of this forum

hope you will accept my advice on this one, t

his person ( vanille 13) is a troll or therabouts and if you want to respond this is up to you, he is saying things to get a rise from us, seen it so many times on here. Sometimes replying can help us to get some anger out so if you are using it to help you then thats something, but venille will never listen to your advice so no point trying to get through to him/her but really is this the best use of your energyay? we can all be fooled by this type of thread

take care peeps xxx

oh and love&me I think your cursor is landing on the x2 symbol on the toolbar of the reply box thats why its small, like the bold button just try to click it off, x

[Vanille13]

I've been using forums for about 10 years now and this is the first time i've ever been genuinely shocked. You've all decided not to air on the side of caution and labelled me a troll. I don't know what to say other than i've wasted a lot of my time opening up here. I really don't know what to make of it. I mean i've been completely rejected from forums regarding mental health, a type of forum that's usually founded around sympathy and good will. I don't quite know what to make of my life when i've been declared 'too unbelievable' from a community such as this. I responded with hostility because people came at me with hostility.

I would like to thank greenthing, OrangeLamp, Lonelyheartemma, Lily and Canadian Mike for reading my posts and replying. I promise that you did not waste your time and that I listened to you, so please continue to give such help to others that join. One thing seems certain; that I should only talk about my problems in person where I'm unlikely to be labelled a troll. I'm very disappointed in this community for not taking me seriously and I will certainly leave here. If I were to troll then I would have come up with something much more amusing that this and I certainly wouldn't have spent a few hours trying to construct what I believe to be logical posts, though it doesn't really matter because nobody will believe me. I honestly don't know what sort of rise you think i'd expect? I don't know what sort of person gets a kick out of getting others to discuss relationships.

I've spent the entire thread defending why I believe we need help and i've given my genuine opinions, in a sometimes hostile tone, because i've been labelled an asshole straight from the first post. I needed to justify why I wrote what I wrote. I suspect it was the talk of my overwhelming affection towards women that probably raised the troll flag, but these problems must happen to somebody and i've given you no real reason to believe otherwise. Maybe it was my little anecdotes regarding what i've learned about women, I don't know, but I guess it doesn't matter.

I know you will all go away thinking you've stopped a troll or whatever, but you've genuinely upset me a little, and you'll never know the truth.

[JasmineRose]

I wasn't labelling you as anything, simply saying that you both do need help with understanding relationships, and that learning sensitivity would be helpful for you, particularly, and that your girlfriend may need to take steps to protect herself. The thing was, you only gave half the story in your first few posts. And, admittedly, with my depression, it is hard to concentrate enough to read really long posts and take every single factor in, though I do try. I wasn't saying that you were necessarily emotionally abusing her, but that the kind of behaviours you are describing are things, in maybe different contexts, that people [like me] who have been emotionally abused find upsetting to hear being described.

And, I am an 'older' woman, and I'm not ashamed of it.

[greenthing]

Gosh what a mess

good luck vanille and to your lady friend too - I'm glad you found my thoughts constructive

I absolutely understand others who have posted more critically - it has taken a deep intake of breath for me not to do the same - the main reason for not doing so is that I am capable of being an arsehole, capable of being cruel and my sexual drives are an utter mess, so I am not in a position to judge others. Hence I will always try and post something constructive...

However, I take the point that probably this thread belongs in another forum - is there one somewhere for relationship guidance that anyone could recommend? I'm not going to post to this thread again for that reason.

[Love&Me]

I felt sure you were trying to upset people but if I am wrong I am sorry.

[ElleT]

Wookay flame wars, great way to start the day.

First off I am going to say, I am a 24 year old female living in the US, I love to watch porn, I have the 'insult' relationship with EVERYONE I know (although I'm better with not picking on things that really upset people) and I have a boyfriend. I also have mild BPD and Bi polar disorder with past incidences of self harm.

Second, I will say that I am truly appalled by some of the responses here, NO ONE has the right to judge ANYONE based on ONE post. You can't convey tone and body language through the internet, so we really have no idea how he truly feels.

That out of the way, I will agree that this may not be the right place to ask for help Vanille, but it's a place. You feel like all your problems come from your mental issues (by that I mean you AND your girlfriend). Now I am going to say some things that you may not like, you may get defensive and get angry but that is NOT my intention. This is my honest opinion and I hope good advice.

As for her reaction to rape, I agree it's odd. I have the same reaction when I read or see anything regarding rape. I totally and completely freak out, but as to my knowledge I have never been raped or sexually abused. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and a little over a year ago I was in an odd situation. I won't say I was raped, but I am ashamed of what happened and I'm not going to go into it on here. I have seen many therapists over the years, and I have NEVER mentioned my reaction to rape and sexual abuse. But while I have such a horrible negative reaction to rape, I used to find myself seeking it out. My favorite porn happens to be bondage, I don't like watching true play rape, and I do not have a rape fantasy. But I will say that I am turned on by bondage, ONLY when I am the one in control, at least with women (I should mention that I"m bisexual, might add some insight). Call me sick, twisted or whatever, if that happens I will walk away from this forum and never return. Which will be truly upsetting for me because I had hoped I would find people with similar issues like mine who I could connect with and find people to share with and get good advice from.

Okay moving on, I got a little worked up there. So Vanille, I think your girlfriend AND you have some unresolved issues. I agree that what women want and need are two totally different things when they are younger. But do not ever try to presume to know what women want or need. If we don't know, a man certainly wont. And believing that you know only makes you sound arrogant and pompous and it's not an attractive trait. That was not meant to be mean, but I know it sounded like that. The FIRST step to wisdom is to admit, that while you may know a little of what you talk about, largely you don't know. If you can admit that then you will be very wise in my eyes. And you have admitted that you need help in understanding your girlfriend. My HONEST opinion is that she is saying some things that aren't true to make sure you stick around. I don't know if it's true, I"m not saying that I'm right, but that is what I have understood. I just say this because it sounds like something I used to do to make sure my boyfriends didn't leave me. It wasn't healthy and I don't do it anymore, so I don't know if that's what she is doing but that's what it sounds like to me.

In regards to porn, I see nothing wrong with it most of the time. There are some occasions that I see the porn industry as evil but in the right light every industry on the planet can be considered evil in some sense. Humans are flawed, and because of that they are capable of great good and great evil. As to your collection, I find it odd that you feel the need to save so much, but not really wrong, just odd. It might be a sign of a deep underlying issue that you are unaware of, but I think your girlfriend may have a real problem with it. Not a problem with you watching porn, but maybe with the keeping it. I know that when my boyfriend points our pretty girls (which is less than me) I will compare myself to them. This might be what she is doing, she might be comparing herself to all the women on your computer. This will never stop, it's a chick thing, it's what we do. Granted some women handle it better and while they compare themselves to the women it doesn't affect their daily life. It's a self esteem issue, while your girlfriend may be a very confident person that doesn't mean she has a great self esteem. I don't know if people see me as a confident person but I know I strive to give that impression, when truly I have an abysmal self esteem. Some of it comes from my mental issues, other come from things my father says to me and what I see when I look in the mirror. So when I get criticized about ANYTHING regarding my looks, it hurts, even if it wasn't meant to be hurtful, it really does hurt. So my advice for your porn, don't give your girlfriend the opportunity to compare herself to anything you find attractive until you KNOW how it really affects her. I really don't know how you should go about doing that, but it's my advice.

As to her views on women, that is not normal and sounds like a self hatred issue. I really have no idea but I don't think any views where one sex is better than the other is normal. Men are better at some things, while women are better at others. We balance each other out. You girlfriend needs to talk to a professional about this. Be it now or later down the road, I feel like her views are not healthy and she should work on them. You can't fix her, I"m sorry to say it but the only person who can really fix her is herself. You can support her, and love her. Tell her WHY you love her, don't just tell her you love her, make sure she knows why. It may be hard, I know my boyfriend sucks at analyzing his feelings, but I"m also super self aware, having to bare your soul to strangers a lot can do that to a person. I think you both need to talk to a professional about your separate issues. I feel like the only real issues in your relationship are the ones you are creating. You are both young, you have life yet to live and you will grow and learn from it. You would be surprised how much you can learn in a year. I said young NOT immature. That said, you are young, this is the time in your life to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Doing that while in a relationship can be very hard, but I know that it can work for some people. It may not work for you two, but I'm a hopeless romantic way deep down buried under tons of concrete so I do hope you two make it. So this is my opinion, it's a horribly long and boring read but if anyone made it through it, good for you. I hope someone learned something

[fedup!]

Can a mod please add aTrigger warning to this post? So people affected by rape (ie the vast majority of the population) simply don't have to read any more??

[JasmineRose]

I just wouldn't call sensitive young and older women reacting to a described experience of another woman in sensitive ways a flame war.

[ElleT]

There is a difference between reacting sensitively and being mean. The feeling I got from some of the replies were downright hostile. My definition of a flame war are two or more people fighting with each other over a forum. The original poster may have been out of line, but automatically saying that their message to the girlfriend was to get away from him to me seemed a bit harsh. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but when I come on to a forum for people with mental health and there is someone who is asking for help because they are in a relationship with someone who has mental health issues I don't expect the people to start attacking said person. I have not been on both sides of the issue, I am just a person who has mental health issues but I see how it affects those I love. They act out in strange and sometimes seemingly cruel ways, but it's because they don't totally understand. We are a handful, there is nothing wrong with admitting that. Not everyone has the strength and patience to be the support system for those of us who have mental health issues. I can't say if this guy has the strength and patience, but I do know that there should be nothing wrong with asking for help when you don't know how to deal with a situation. Asking for advice and support when you are with someone like us shouldn't be seen as horrible. Maybe he choose the wrong forum, he probably should have gone to a forum that is specifically for people who are the loved ones of someone with mental health problems, but he came here, expecting advice. And a lot of the responses he got were hostile and not helpful.

I've always tried to follow the rule, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. I know that's not always possible, but sometimes when we are angered by something we read from another person, it helps to take a breath and figure out WHY it upset us so much, before we post something. I don't like to think that if I post something on here that everyone doesn't like I"ll get attacked. It doesn't make me feel safe.