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elbow

Help Me Please

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elbow

hi there. I am writing as I seriously need some sort of help in dealing with and understanding my mental health problem. I have suffered for 2 years and seen a psychologist and been taking medication. I have been told I have anxiety and depression, however i am not convinced of this at all. I have not been in many relationships in my life and 6 years ago became involved in what would prove to be my longest. We bought an house and got engaged at the same time, 3 and a half years into our relationship, however I started to feel strange both in mind and body and my whole experience began by feeling like I had cheated on my fiance. Over time that feeling has gone, however after a year and a half of trying to get over this horrible condition, and at a time my mother was ill with leukaemia my partner decided she didnt love me any more and broke it off. I am now living back at parents house, however I am still suffering. basically I can not get my past relationships out of my head, Everything I do I think about whether i did it with them, they are in my mind all the time, its as if the things I did with my exes, even though they were perfectly normal and before my last relationship, are massivley important in my mind and in the things i do. I feel like I cant get up in the morning because I may have slept over night with them at some point, basically it effects ever little thing that I do. This is confusing and uncomfortable enough as I now feel like I will never feel like I can get another partner, but on top of this it lasts about 5/6 days and then it is usually followed by anything from 10 - 18 good days where i feel like nothing has happened and feel myself again. It is worth mentioning too that on bad days I go over and over and over things ive done that day and at what times etc like they are bad things and like bad things are guna happen because of it. Please help me as the feeling is so awful I cry and become really emotional, angry and stand-offish with everyone? Can you help in anyway? any help would be massively appreciated.

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delusionaldolly

Hi Elbow,

Welcome to the forums matey! :welcomeani:

First off, I'd like to say you seem very aware of what's happening to you, and that's a really good start! Awareness is something psychologists push for, but don't always deal with...this can be very frustrating. So you're 50% there!

As for the uneasy feelings, I'm really sorry that you feel this way. I'm no expert, I'm a BPD sufferer like most people on here, and can only tell you from my own experience, but I would suggest that maybe the feelings that you've done something wrong / peculiar comes from something in you that you need to heal. Have you had some traumatic time when someone accused you of something? Have you done something "bad" in the past that you haven't dealt with? This could be coming out, even if it happened long ago, and affecting your way of thinking now...?

Only suggestions mate, like I said I'm not an expert. Do you have a therapist or a counsellor? I have a counsellor, and she helps me work out why I get so anxious over things that seemingly don't matter to anyone else, and it's really amazing how things from your past you didn't even think were related to your future can pop up throughout your life - believe me!!

I hope you get some good days soon honey, at least you know the bad times do pass eventually. We're all hear as ears if you need us.

Love,

Dolly xx

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elbow

Thanks Dolly. I saw a counsellor for 20 sessions but he didn't help 1 bit. My doctor precribed me medication over a year ago and has never once asked me how i am. this whole thing started as i was planning a wedding and all of a sudden felt i had cheated on my partner and my head told me i had. From there things got worse and worse. I still think about back then when it started sometimes and feel a certain bad even though i know i didn't cheat i do not feel like i can be myself anymore or meet someone in going to love. On a bad day like today all i feel like doing is going over and over everything ive done today. Fell asleep at this time woke up at this time. Got in bath at thus time etc. Every single thing is effected and massively important in my head i just don't know what to do anymore.

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Threemoons

Elbow, could you suffer from impulse phobia? Because what your fear of cheating on your partner make me think about that. I assume you didn't cheat actually, it's only your head teeling you that, is it? I'm sorry to say I don't know much on OCD but I hope you can find some important information if you research this type of phobia. Big hugs anyway, I feel for you.

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elbow

Thanks. Its possible it could b a fear of cheating because i was so so happy and didn't want anything to go wrong. Now everything has gone wrong. What are your experiences with impulse phobia?

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Threemoons

I have no experience with impulse phobia, just your post reminded me of it so I thought I could mention. Anyway I feel for you, you seem unhappy.

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