Borderline? Ptsd? Aspergers? Who Knows?

[lucyloo]

Around 8 years ago, I finally asked for a psychiatric assessment, I was given a one hour appointment, I don't what conclusion the doc came too.

6 years ago, I asked for another assessment, again, a one hour appointment, with a diagnosis of BPD. Put on a waiting list for cbt, nothing more happened. Nothing they could do for me, apparently.

Over the past 18 months, my depression has lifted, leaving me more aware of my issues, I started to attempt to build a social life and actually leave my home more, doing the things I used to do when younger. I became more and more aware of my limitations and started to remember the struggles I had in my teens, as luck would have it, Hampshire now have a service called italk, telephone counselling. I self referred, had a telephone assessment, the outcome of that was a referral to the cmht.

Again I had a one hour assessment performed by an assessor, she told me she was referring me to a psychologist, I then get a letter stating that I was being offered a place on a 12 hour emotional coping skills course and had an appointment to see an occupational therapist. I was flaming mad.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw the ot explained why I felt that the skills course would be of little use to me and attempted to explain why. I went on to have a good moan about the fact that I have always been perceived as being "different" to the point that my mum knew when I was a tiny baby I was not like other babies, but given mother passed an a level in child psychology back in the 70's she knew I had not grown up with autism spectrum disorder. Although I display many of the symptoms, there are a fair few I show no sign of, some I remember experiencing as a teen and took steps to hide them.

I mentioned aspergers, because every time I searched google, with terms like "18 month old rejecting mother" and other little gems my mother had mentioned to me, autism popped up every single time.

The ot first response was to discount the fact I am autistic spectrum, she then went on to ask me lots of questions that I felt were irrelevant, we had a lovely chat!!!!!! The very last question she asked was is anyone in the family autistic? Well my grandson was diagnosed a couple of weeks before hand, so I explained his behaviour, how worried I had been since I realised what was wrong with him back in june, that lead to a chat about how he interacts or doesn't with people. His parents were amazed days after the diagnosis when I walked into their house, (was only my second time of meeting little un since he was a baby he isn't quite 3) I called out his name and asked him if he was going to come over and give me a cuddle! he ran over and pressed his cheek to mine, then spent most of the couple of hours I was there, laid next to me. his parents were astounded! He has never shown affection to anyone before and as I hadn't seen him for three months, going by his past behaviour, they didn't expect him to even recognise me.

The occupational therapist, commented, may be he recognises something in you that is similar to himself? Then she told me I display many symptoms of aspergers and she is referring me to a specialist, who is also an expert in aspergers in women, urgently. The wait would be 4 to 6 weeks, so hopefully sometime before Christmas.

Has anyone else been diagnosed with aspergers and ptsd? I have done much reading on the subject and it seems that if you are autistic spectrum it seems that is is much easier to develop ptds, as your view of how the world should be is much more fixed, attachment disorder, (my mums idea) +trauma =ptsd +more trauma= Bpd seems to be the path the other professionals have taken in their thinking. But the more I learn the more I realise that Aspergers +trauma = pstd =depression =ptsd.

Is it usual for something of this magnitude to be missed given I am in my 40's, have had many years of dealing with ss, mh and gp's? Why wouldn't it be picked up before now? Although bpd seemed to fit in my mind, there was always a little part of it I didn't get, I have lots of self control, I have learnt much about being able to fit in with people, any self harm I have undertaken, has always been a little out there, scratching, picking, chewing, etc. I am also photosensitive, partly colour blind, some flashing lights cause me to feel very sick and dizzy, even the old TV's made me ill when I watched them. Some smells actually stop me breathing, the list goes on. How was this missed? Do I have any recourse in law?

It seems sure that I will be diagnosed with aspergers when I see the specialist, given all my symptoms, so is it possible or likely to have this along side bpd?

what happens next? what does the assessment consist of? will they give me an iq test? (I am desperate for one, as going by the past it looks likely that mine is 150 or above, would boost my self esteem lol)

Any advice? kind words? Please tell me I am not alone with this

[walker]

we dont think you are alone in this - at all

and although it is confusing and distressing it must also be a relief to feel like people are finally 'noticing' what is going on for you

we would never have thought of us as remotely ASD in any way

yet just before we left teaching we realised we did certain things that some of the autistic children in school did

lots of rocking and finger twisting, wriggling when very stressed

and we felt sort of out of control if people messed with our environment

and we could NOT always see how our behaviour/words impacted on others

only small things

but it was weird

and after we left, one of our colleagues was a tremendous support and we realised she helped because she spoke to us like she did to her son (who has aspergers)

clear, simple instructions, one thing at a time, explaining kindly how we affected others, repeating the same things over and over

oh sorry

going on

we do not have an ASD

but we DO think that being borderline makes us think in similar ways - with similar limitations and confusions

we are also VERY sensitive to lights and flashing and noises and smells and the feel of things

but were always told we were just making a fuss

so

we understand perhaps some of what you say

and are pleased for you that they are going to assess you more thoroughly

girls/women with ASD often slip through the net as they are more likely to be withdrawn and shy rather than angry and disruptive

[lucyloo]

eHello walker :-) Its good to hear from you.

I agree that some of the symptoms are very similar to bpd, perhaps some primeval response that is tapped into at moments of stress????? I haven't even started researching aspergers yet, so may be talking rubbish, but that is how it seems to me.

I was always an angry child, but usually felt too scared to behave in such a manner, mainly loosing control only at home, from a very young age.

Whatever is wrong with the way my head functions has clearly always been there, since a tot. The op told me it is not usual to be able to read a couple of pages on plumbing then fit central heating, nor is it usual to learn everything from bricklaying to history by absorbing knowledge. On an intellectual level I am very able, far more so than most. As you worked in education perhaps you will know if reading classic novels at 6 years old, is unusual for a child who isn't on the spectrum? (by the time I was ten, zola and George orwell were my favourites) I suspect most 5 years old faced with a piano would bang on it, I sat and played the fleur de lis, having never seen a piano before.

I guess that now I am looking for things to back up the fact that I am on the spectrum as being high functioning feels much better than low functioning bpd. The idea that I could be so intelligent that my brain doesn't have space for social niceties makes me feel special, rather than useless. I have always believed I would function much better if I could be a professor sat at a desk researching, with someone else dealing with the mundane matters of life for me. Perhaps I am actually built that way?

It is good to know I am not alone, whatever they decide is wrong with me, yes you are right, the fact that I am being looked at in more depth is validating, makes me feel more hopeful. Although my family are scornful of the fact I have been referred. I suspect that is because given my mums education (which she uses to validate herself) if she accepts this is possible, it is yet another failure on her part as autistic spectrum was an accepted problem by the time I was tiny and I do show many of the traits, but she didn't pick it up.

, I too did not see the impact my words and actions had on others, I still struggle with the notion that other people are actually people with thoughts, feelings and a perspective which is likely to be unlike mine. You always display such empathy, but then I know that I can empathise when people tell me what is going on and how they feel about that, but until it is explained to me, I have no idea! I guess that is because once I understand what is causing them pain, then I find out their perspective on that, I can find a way to relate on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level I am useless unless I have been through a similar experience.

Thank you for responding, its always good to hear from you x

[walker]

you sound like roald dahl's Matilda !!

it is not usual,

but some clever children can do those things without having a dx of ASD

you, yourself, will know how different/seperate you feel from others

intellect can be a mixed bag, cant it

abundantly useful, yet stigmatising and segragating at times

the 'handicap' - if we dare use that word - of having an ASD - is in relating to others - in social skills - in 'understanding how the world of people, works'

where what is picked up 'along the way' by most children - must be taught, learned and practised

yes - we do have empathy - in some instances - we actually FEEL the pain of others

but very often we also seem totally closed off and dissociated from what others are experiencing

that is - two parts of us

we really really do wish you well in understanding who you are and getting any help you need

xx

[lucyloo]

Intellect is not always a blessing, People expect much more of you all in settings when they know you are bright, but no matter how many amazing things I can do, no amount of intelligence will make up for my lack of social ability. It has taken me decades to learn such treasures as thinking before I speak, although I still suffer foot in mouth disease on a regular basis!

you are right, people can be intelligent without having mental health issues/syndromes. I guess the only thing I can do is wait and see now,

I felt like matilda growing up, without the special powers! I took a lot of responsibility for the family, by the time I was 12 I was doing the family bake every Saturday, bread, rolls, all manner of cakes for the freezer etc. x