maddy harper Posted May 20, 2014 Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 hi guys i've noticed that i become co dependent on people in my life does any one experience this as well as me? my issue is i get attached to people really easally and i wonder why i get hurt all the time its a bloody nightmare!!! thankss for reading, would be nice to hear other people's thoughts... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted May 20, 2014 Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 oh yes find it best to avoid people or we get entangled spent 25+ years in an abusive - codependent marriage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 thanks for your reply walker i also cling to long term relationships which are damaging to my psychy i've done that for as long as i can remember. that's gotta be the bpd i think that makes me do these things i wish i didn't become co dependent on people because i lose my independence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 its important for me to be independent as i can be with out sight. hope thispost makes sence cause it doesn't to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 i form attatchments to people really easally and been really hurt mentally in the prosess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gandalftheginge Posted May 20, 2014 Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 Hey there Maddy I find I very easily form these to. It was a huge issue in my last relationship, both of us became very dependant and I lost a lot of my own self and character, to the point of neglecting my friends. It think I'm a bit more aware of this now, but I've ended up becoming quite distant and avoidant as a result. I still develop attachments a bit too fast and strong sometimes these days, which does hurt me. I really need to find a healthy balance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 finding the balance is the difficult bit... at least that's what i've found Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 when i get co dependent i offen feel like that i wouldn't be able to coap with out them in my life hope that statement makes sence i'm a bit slow because of m anxiety tablets so not sure if i'm forming proper sentences sorry if i'm not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted May 23, 2014 Report Share Posted May 23, 2014 I am in a not so healthy relationship but I can't leave I am terrified to be alone because of my anxiety and panic attacks I also depend on him to drive me places and go places with me it seems my existence depends on him because if he isn't here I stay in bed all day. I don't want it to be this way I would love to be independent and not need anyone. I don't do this with other relationships though I avoid making friends or mixing with people I just like to live in my bubble with my partner and children and no one else although a therapist once told me the reason I don't move on is because of my partner and how he treats me :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted May 24, 2014 Report Share Posted May 24, 2014 I am not co-dependent, but I find that I attract such in others, this feels really crap because I never feel loved for being me just an object to others need to feel valued, by my illness, it makes me feel used. I don't like feeling like I wreck other people's lives for wanting to be well and stronger, instead of needy and sick. I don't like feeling that when I am needy and ill that this is the only point someone would be willing to want to be close to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2014 its really intresting to read your responses guys. keep them coming ass its intresting to see it from someone elses point of view Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gandalftheginge Posted May 24, 2014 Report Share Posted May 24, 2014 I wonder what healthy co-dependance looks like, if it even really exists. I think it must be hard to find a balance and understanding of each others needs at all times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted May 24, 2014 Report Share Posted May 24, 2014 Another thought I had on the subject is when one person is struggling or having a hard time it is easy for both people to lose sight of the give and take. It seems the co-dependant wants their needs met and are willing to wait their turn, but not as willing to let the other person know when they are needing it. I think part of the healthy dynamic we all strive for is not just an understanding of each others needs but a willingness to put ourselves forward and ask for our need s to be met. When only one person is doing this it gets lopsided really fast. I suppose both have to feel safe enough in the relationship to participate in this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gandalftheginge Posted May 24, 2014 Report Share Posted May 24, 2014 That's a really good thought Sah, I hadn't thought of that. I guess some of us are so willing to help others that we leave no kindness and compassion for ourselves. We forget they we also need to be looked after and cared for, but it feels unusual or wrong to ask for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted May 24, 2014 Report Share Posted May 24, 2014 its tricky because from the outside our relationship just liked we were the dependent one - on him but our psych said no he said it was codependent that it doesnt have to be just 'doing things' or paying for the home or practical things - but that it is also emotional and works on levels others dont see some people are dependent on helping others - it is an emotional need they have which from the outside can look like everyone is dependent on them - but it runs deeper than that not sure we are being clear and please dont want to offend dear friends on here who wrote above but we have known people in our life for whom helping others became an obsession - a sickness - a way of protecting themselves and avoiding dealing with things sorry not concentrating very well and finding it hard to put across Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 i also find when i become co dependant the other person becomes my world i know that's not healthy but there we are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 i'm glad i aint the only one that experiences this... makes me feel less alone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gandalftheginge Posted May 26, 2014 Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 I find I tend to feel similarly, Maddy, when I become dependant on someone. Its hard to stop thinking about them all the time, any anything they say or do can affect me very strongly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 we're singing from the same hym sheet gandalf methinks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gandalftheginge Posted May 26, 2014 Report Share Posted May 26, 2014 Seems that that's the case. Its reassuring to know its not just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DJJK Posted June 4, 2014 Report Share Posted June 4, 2014 The healthy balance is supposedly "interdependency"; I have to admit that it's an area I struggle with and I think it really is a fine balance for anybody - the reality is that I don't think there is a perfect relationship. Relationships ebb and flow, they move and change all of the time just as the people involved in it change - I don't think I'm consistently the same person from day to day and I know for a fact that my other half certainly isn't. Things have been a bit easier for me since I stopped expecting her to be perfect. I do read about interdependency and it feels a bit cold and barren to me, yet in another context I read Khalil Gibran when he talks about 2 trees growing side by side and how neither grows in the shade of the other and I can see that he's saying the same thing, yet it feels warmer...feeling it seems to be a different matter; especially when I am feeling particularly isolated and lonely; I know that there are clubs and groups out there, but often the social anxiety gets the better of me and I panic, because I struggle to balance all of the existing plates without adding new ones to the pile...that means just one thing - I cling more and it's totally as a result of fear and anxiety. I understand my codependency as a result of her past addictions and subsequent overdoses/self harm/behaviour which then becomes counter transference when I react in the same or similar manners...Recently I've read that this "codependence" thing has got out of hand and prevents us from having healthy relationships; I think there is a certain degree of interlocking dependence in relationships which feels primal to me (even if it feels a little outdated in modern society constructs, especially when capitalism and politics both seem to thrive on "isolationism") because ultimately we are all dependent on each other to survive and I don't think we could survive in isolation. I don't feel that a relationship could be a relationship without at least a small degree of codependency - I guess it all depends on the weighting of the words or the degree to which that exists; I guess that ultimately we're taught through books, movies and greetings cards that love is a smooth path, always righteous and true but the reality is that as humans, we have emotions; we feel and we hurt and without feeling we couldn't relate, so it feels a bit paradoxical to me...to have a perfect relationship, you'd need to be unfeeling and uncaring in which case you wouldn't need or want one anyway. I wish I had a clearer answer myself; to me it sounds like you have a strong awareness which can only lead to positive changes; I guess the frustrating part is the actual process of change... Interesting topic; thank you for posting and I hope my ranty reply contains something of at least minor use... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gandalftheginge Posted June 4, 2014 Report Share Posted June 4, 2014 Thanks for that post DJJK, I really enjoyed reading what you've written and I think there is a lot of wisdom in it, which will definitely benefit me in the future I love how positive, natural and honest it feels. Ash Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2014 i forgot about this thread... oops... wise words dj... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2014 i also find when i've formed an attatchment to someone my head gets filled up with them and no one or anything else wil distract me from it... anyone else find that??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2014 bpd is such a tricky disorder sometimes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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