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maddy harper

Anna! ! [Could Trigger]

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maddy harper

have been struggling with food really badly recently

it makes me feel horible inside when ever i eat anything

so, so, so want to perdge but i havent...

still trying to fight anna off as much as i can... but feel like i'm fighting a losing battle

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Threemoons

I sure hope you're not losing the battle. It must be really hard to fight for something you perceive as a lost cause. If I can do anything to help you just let me know, okay? Sending huge warm hugs.

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maddy harper

food is still a problem, i'm eating but not a lot per day...

my morphine pills that i take for my spine make my hunger go away totally so i've been forcing my self to eat

little and offen, thats what i'm doing

1 step at a time right??? :D

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maddy harper

Still struggling here even though i havent posted n this thread n such a long time. Ana is recking my life. I am having a sandwitch a day and thats it. i have no intrest in food at all. Dont think the morphine helps my hunger any. Its like my body has forgotten how to be hungry if that makes any kinda sence. its all gotten so crazy i cant explain the half of whats goin on. I am trying to but i feel this post dont make any sence now i have just read it back. Hope it does to you...cause it dont to me

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Threemoons

You make sense Maddy, don't worry. My grand-mother was under morphine earlier this year and I also think it doesn't help with the no interest in food. Just eat what you can. Have you talked with your doctor about this aspect of your treatment? Maybe there's more adapted painkillers? Take care, dear dear one.

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maddy harper

My doctor knows that i have issues where food is consend... Brought up the no intrest n food thing the last time i was there but they were more conserned with other bits of my disorder... Will bring it up again though...

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maddy harper

the dock just brushed it off again... What the fuck is wrong with people?!?!

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Alittlelost

Hello Maddy, I normally avoid anything relating to eating disorders mainly because they remind me of time spent in the grips of anorexia but I've started the realise that avoiding is not always a good idea, so I am really proud of you for acknowledging that you are struggling and not avoiding it. My troubles began in 2007 and was admitted for 10 months by the end of 2008. As I am sure you know, eating disorders can consume you very quickly and I am shocked that your GP, is placing it on the back burner to your other struggles. I am not sure how to help you regarding your your GP. You are doing everything right by asking for help. Have you spoken to "Beat"?. I am not sure if they can help you get the support you need.

I believe like addictions, people with a history of eating disorders revert or have blips when life becomes difficult. This is my experience anyway, I have blips occasionally. Could this be the case with you too.

I'm not very good at replying to posts but I just wanted to let you know I hear you and I've known the struggle. Keep pushing your GP. Hugs

Alittlelost

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maddy harper

thanks alittlelost :) i have struggled with this condition for over fifteen years and i hate how big i feel. Even though i am a six n waste and 8 n top but i feel so much bigger than that. Thats the problem i am having with my self image it doesnt matter what people tell me i still feel really fat. My b m i is 17 last time i had it checked, i dont let them check it that offen Mind u

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Alittlelost

I understand how you feel regarding feeling bigger than you actually are. It doesn't matter how many people say I are slim, too thin or look great for example. It is how you feel about yourself, I understand that.

I am maintaining the BMI I left hospital at, at present and that was 6 years ago now. I have had blips mind and have dropped to low BMIs. I still have the diagnosis of Anorexia on my record as it will alway be a part of me and it will always be a struggle of mine. There is always the risk of relapses but it is possible to find a balance. The balance may not be a text book healthy BMI and it may always be a daily struggle but it is possible Maddy to find a "healthy" you are comfortable with, a happy medium, My heart goes out to you for having this struggle for 15 years.

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tsepmet

Hi Maddy,

I'm new here. I just signed up. I'm 27 and have struggled with eating disorders since I was 15. I'm in a better place with food now, but it took a very long time and a lot of love for me to get there. Lately I've been watching documentaries about eating disorders. I find myself drawn to them these days. My feeling is that the treatment I received for anorexia was very poor and aggressive and that I never really ever healed and so my illness has transformed and manifested itself in different ways (alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, etc.). I watched a really nice documentary called Nova: Dying to be thin. I loved it because it covered a clinic that seemed to be very cutting edge in its treatment of eating disorders: very loving and compassionate and patient. Following that I watched another documentary (I can't remember its name), that I found to be quite the opposite, a system built on guilt and aggression and fear mongering. This one reminded me of how I was treated and I found it too painful to watch.

These days my feelings on eating disorders are that they are not at all well understood by the medical profession and if you want to be treated properly you really must fight to ensure that the treatment you are receiving feel right for you. When I was sick I was so scared, basically of everything. I think I knew I was hurting myself, even at that young age, but I wasn't ready to face the fact that I being so thin was unhealthy for me. I felt so much self-loathing that the idea of not being as thin as I was made me feel like there was nothing to live for. I'm not sure I am doing the best job of articulating this, Maddy, but what I mean to say is that, the way I thought about myself and about life during my sick period was so utterly skewed and fearful that, today, I cannot imagine any way I could have possibly gotten myself out of it by myself. I was so good at convincing myself that I was nothing if I wasn't thin. I needed intervention to stop the patterns of thought. I couldn't do it on my own. But it makes me fucking sick to my stomach to imagine little 15 year old me in the hands of those utterly clueless doctors who spent their time making me feel guilty for the way that I was and pushing me to be someone that I was not emotionally prepared to be yet.

I don't know where you are it in your journey, but I want to help you. In any small way. I am so sick of women hating themselves. I'm so sick of the way this disorder is treated. I know you are hurting and it's basically the most impossible thing to find good help when you really need it the most, but I urge you to continue to reach out and to take your illness seriously and find a program that will rid you of it for good so you can find some happiness in your life.

I hope it isn't too bold for me to say these things. I say them with the utmost of humility and care. I'm on my own journey as well. Best of luck and please feel free to contact me for any info or support. :)

Watch that film on youtube! It's super nice. :)

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maddy harper

Still struggling with my eating. My friend has got food in that he knows i like to try and get me to eat. Its kinda working but i have skipped two days out this week where i havent eatin anything. He thinks the doctors should be taking my anna seriously as i am still very under waight. I lair up my clothing so no one can see how thin i really am. My friend is very conserned about my waight as he hasnt seen me in over two years. All my jeans are too big on me and there all size six. I remember fitting in to them with out a belt but now i have to wair one with everything. So that means i am getting smaller. I have stopped perdging food for two years nxt feb. Gonna have a party i think. to give me something to keep going.

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maddy harper

My voices are telling me that my friend is trying to poison me with food so things dont taste right. Part of my brain knows its all shight they are talking but the rest of my brain listens to them and lets them take over. I have had anorexia since i was 14 and have struggled with it on and off ever since. my friend thinks i need to see someone to brake the circle i am in cause its quite clear i cant do it on my own. he is outraged at my dock for not taking the anna seriously. He thinks i need a lot more mental health support than i am getting. So do i. Thats why i wanna move as i will get more mental support down here. i dont wanna end up on a slab. :(

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Threemoons

Well, id you don't get the support you need there, I wish for you to be able to move soon to an area where better support exists. Until then try to force yourself to eat at least a bit each day, as no food at all is only reinforcing the disgust for eating, though I know it's not easy!

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maddy harper

I have been eating but really small amounts and i have been watching the calories counting every one in every mouthful. anorexia is so distructive! Why cant i just be normal ffs

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maddy harper

my friend said if i dont wanna eat for my self then do it for him as he cares about me and wants me to stay alive as he wants me in his life. I think i can do that.

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Threemoons

Okay, that's a good sign that you think you can do it for him. He sounds like a great friend, I'm happy you have him.

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maddy harper

He has been there for me for the last seven years nearly. he saved my life and thats not exadurated n any way.

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maddy harper

I find it easyer to eat for someone else rather than my self. I am still counting calories but less frequently. I was doing it every day for years but now its every second or thurd day which is progress. I think...

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Threemoons

Yes, it's progress! I'm happy that you can eat for your friend, it means there's hope.

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maddy harper

still eating like a pig. Beeting my head up for enjoying the food though. Thats something i cant change yet. Your right three moons, there is hope for me still. Ana is such a distructive disorder to have. Funny how i cant see my own reflection n a mirror but i still suffer with anorexia. how the fuck does that work???

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