Threemoons Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 Hello all. Not sure what the point of this post is, guess I just need to express some things. I feel like our rampant depression is worsening since two weeks. Nothing significant has happened, only the realization that we're still so distressed by life and the feeling that nothing has really changed since our hospitalization, we still feel the same. I'm losing all hope that we could heal one day. Treatment can't cure us, it can only help manage the symptoms for some months before it all becomes too much again. And we can't lead an adult life, mental pain always gets in the way and makes us a psychotic mess. Honestly, we don't know how we can continue, we must live for family but inside we're dead already. All our life we've been fighting death, first physically and then mentally, and it all feels pointless now. I pray before sleep for us to die while we're sleeping. It would be doing everybody a favor. I don't know why we cry anymore, I just know that there's something hurting bad in our head. Our life isn't dignity, it's only suffering or at best numbness. Actually we had a week of happiness using caffeine, this substance always send us euphoric but it also makes us physically ill and doesn't last anyway so not worth it. We feel like our brain is muddled jelly and we had to admit to our carer that suicidal thoughts are present again, which made her scared that we could actively try something again. Time is hugely distorted. We start again to be painfully conscious of minutes passing slowly and can't concentrate anymore on activities. I mean, we can't distract anymore, the pain is active in the background whatever we do. I feel that all our acts and efforts are pointless. We spend time sitting in the void, rocking, doing nothing cause nothing appeals us. It hurts to be alive, it hurts so much. The more time passes, the less I can bear the feeling of this disgusting body. Sorry everyone, we usually force ourselves to be more optimistic but it all feels too much right now, we can't pretend anymore. I so want to be dead! Feel so desperate that I don't think that anything could make things improve this time. Our carer says that our depression episodes are cyclic. What does that mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 Lovely threemoons, it breaks my heart to hear how distressed you feel. I hear you and be sure that i hug you with care and tenderness. Please do not apologise. Use us to support you as you support us everytime. I think that cyclic means that your depression it's not always active but will be activated, or get worse, from time to time. In cycles. Are you in therapy? What therapy do you do, if I can ask you? I think that the inside of you needs connection with understanding others. Please look for support if suicidal thoughts get too intense. It's hard to say this and maybe it will be hard to hear, but let hope in, even if only a tiny bit. Sometimes I imagine the nearly dead inside of me and keep it company. I cover her with a warm throw and sit close. If anything else, that part is not totally alone. It's nearly dead but still alive. And sometimes miracles happen. I hear your suffering threemoons. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 Thank you Karaindrou. We're not in therapy anymore, we only see a psychiatrist once a month and that's all. I saw him yesterday and failed lamentably at saying to him how we feel. I tried but failed. It was particularly hard getting him understanding as I'm not good at all at expressing emotions out loud usually and I was feeling sick yesterday on top of it all. I guess you're giving us good advises but the concepts behind them feel terribly alien to us right now. All feels alien. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 Hello threemoons.... I hear you...and that painful truth that is your experience.... I have stopped here with you.....because we know the dead and alien disconnect...we know the cycle that robs us of me-ness...I lose agency and disconnect....lose all human sense of self...I have the ones i named c and t, they take me over and try to rob me of my body.... Disjointed and disconnected lost and hospitalized distant from that it is to Be a 'real' person.... No...there Is no cure..But THERE IS YOUR PROGRESS TO MAINTAIN THE BODY UNTIL YOU RECONNECT... YOU HAVE COME BACK TO YOURSELF BEFORE AND YOU WILL COME BACK AGAIN. The dignity of a 'regular' person...I will not respond with a lie...my dignity has been robbed from me many times over... BUT there is dignity in my suffering when shared.... You are entering a cycle...your chemical chain has started and you may need to leave your body behind for a little while... May be hours minutes days or weeks which will make no difference....you will not 'feel' as yourselves anyway my friend... Your sharing is precious your truth is valued your pain is with us and everyone that heard you.... You are so much more than this suffering but you cannot feel this or identify with emotional qualities right now... You spoke to us all on the borderline of the disconnect that may have saved somebody's life next time they come up here... I wish for you hope for you a quicker cycle and return this time....my last cycle was less than an hour...i am crying to the universes for this to be a short one for you.... Please keep you body safe...go straight for help...if you are falling into not wanting to stay in your body as you are with us....it is time to go for help.... I sincerely want for you to be ok and return to balance as soon as possible.... My heart and soul are reaching over to yours.... Mbb Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 I understand the concepts being/feeling alien right now. Let me just be with you in this very difficult time. Please come as often as you wish to look for connection. If you know how I/we can help, please do say. I am thinking of you. The whole of you. Warn hug threemoons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon5 Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 I am sorry you are struggling. as you know it will pass x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 It means that it will pass as karaindrou says it cycles comes around and then goes. I'm so sorry your struggling threemoons I often feel that way that there is no hope or cure. There is no cure but there is hope there is brighter days where things are nice. It would be nice to keep it that way but unfortunately we can't. I wish I had something helpful to say threemoons but all I can say is keep hanging on in then big hugs xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDBPD Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 Threemoons...Kara and Beth's words are what I would want to say...i don't have the ability though You are such a warm and caring person...i feel deeply touched by what you have said about dignity. I hope this cycle/episode passes rapidly Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 Threemoons, you are such a special person. The number of people who have replied to your post shows how much everyone loves you and how much you have to live for. The others before me have expressed things so well, I don't think I can improve on them. I do have some similar experiences to share though, maybe they can help a little... I also suffer from cyclic depression, this I have discovered for myself as over the past few years I have been 'fine' and then depressed in rotation. In the dark periods it seems like they will never end and that nothing is worth fighting for anymore. But they pass, and so too will yours, I truly believe that. I think it is natural that you have felt worse since your appointment with your psychiatrist too. It is SO frustrating not to be able to express what you want to, especially when the person is important to you and you only see them occasionally. I have left appointments with my psychiatrist in the past and wanted to scream and run away at my own uselessness and failure to express what I needed to. But you will see him again and you will have another chance. In the meantime you need to take care of yourself. Look after the child inside you. We are all here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 huge hugs three moons. I never new you felt this way. Please hold on it will get better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 It breaks my heart to read of your suffering Threemoons. There is nothing i can say that will take that pain away,so i will merely say that i am right beside you,in spirit,holding you in a warm embrace. To me,you are beauty.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 believe us when we say your beautiful because you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Thank you a lot, lovely people. We feel touched by your care. The truth is we can't leave you either, we must stay alive. We've moved towns with family last night. Slept in the new flat. The night before we had a dream of being s**ually abused like it happened in the past but this time by family members, which was even more disturbing. So we dreaded falling asleep but we managed to have a more peaceful night. There seems to be less ghosts there than in the town we've left, at least for now. These are the good news I hold onto today. Thanks again for being with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDBPD Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Threemoons..I hope you are happy in your new home, is this a new start? Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 congratulations on your new flat three moons. Hope u can find some happyness in the town you have just moved to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Thank you both. It can be viewed as a new start, Steve. We moved there with family as the other house was getting too expensive for us and we wanted to move from rural to city for practical reasons. Here we'll have buses and tramway so we can go to places easier. I don't drive anymore, had too many incidents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Hello....yay.... Not for the negatives....but for the fact that you are connected and well....and have not left your body behind.... Seeing you here knowing you are within coping range...has made my day.... Congratulations on your new start....I wish you all well. Big peace and light out to you xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PDBPD Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Moving is stressful...settling might help ?? Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do in your life. That and get marryd and have a baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Thank you Beth, there still is something hurting in our head but we better coped today and I don't want to die right now so there's improvement. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow but we've decided to live one moment at a time. Steve, Maddy, I don't think that moving house has stressed us. My mum organized almost everything, we had very little to worry ourselves. And we definitely like the idea of getting away from the other town as there are so many ghosts there. The only thing I worry about is my cat and how he will adapt to the flat. He is a very fearful cat. We'll try to bring him this evening. I think I've identified several things that may have triggered the suicidal thoughts. Think I'll try to discuss it with our psychiatrist next month so we can think of measures to take to lessen the likelihood of falling back into that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 sounds like a good plan three moons. Good luck with your cat. Maybe tempt him with some yummy treets so he settles in easyer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Hello again.... So very happy to hear your thoughts and feelings.... Strangely I feel so very proud to listen to you challenge and so far overcome the intensity of the last few weeks and days... Sending you a big smile mbb xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Hugs threemoons. I hope your cat has a smooth adaptation to the flat. In my experience cats are very territorial and find it difficult but with time they gate used to it. Your will too get used to the new space. Do you already know where his/her food going to be? And the litter? :-) I'm so pleased that you are out of the whirlpool. At times i too have to go hour by hour in order to cope. It's ok. I'm also so pleased that you now are in a place that you like better than your old town. Quite a significant move. But I'm sorry for your unsettling dream. I hope you find that feeling of safety within you and your environment. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 huge hugs three moons. Hang on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Huge hugs three moons. How are u today? Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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