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artemis84

What Is Going On?

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artemis84

Why am I eating as a source of comfort?

Why am I putting on weight and not doing anything about it?

Why am I eating chocolate and cakes as and when?

I feel like I am losing control of my control mechanism. I am supposed to be a (recovering) anorexic, not tending towards over-eating, comfort eating and weight gain.

I HATE IT!!!!

And it makes me hate myself again.

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addy2

Sorry I have no answer Artemis, I comfort eat and I am overweight and I hate it, my psychologist thinks its a form of self harm and eat as a way of punishing myself and make myself feel worse but sometimes I want to eat, after a stressful day a cup if tea and a piece of cake is nice. I don't binge eat i only eat one piece of cake or one bag of crisps or bar of chocolate but I still feel bad about this but the more I worry the more I eat its vicious circle. Hugs Artemis xx

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artemis84

Thanks for replying addy. Yes, that's how I am at the moment - not binge eating but eating unnecessarily.

And I really do hate myself for it.

I NEVER thought this would be something I did and I feel such a failure - a failure to my anorexia and a failure to my strength of will.

I must start exercising and get rid of this weight...

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addy2

I understand Artemis, sometimes boredom causes me to eat too, worrying about it makes it worse and you definitely aren't a failure your a lovely kind helpful person please try not to feel bad about it xx

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TiniToni

I don't know the answer to it other than I guess a loss of control for a bit. I di the cycle of starving, b/p and then overeating and I think it's because I make myself go so long without anything that then all of a sudden I break and eat everything and then because you have a bit of energy and everyone is happy you are eating you start to like it too but then you see the scales or your clothes get tight and you panic again. I do wonder if people without eating disorders get like this too. I will say one thing that I have ever done that helped me carry on eating to a normal level but not put on weight and that was by removing all sugar, so a low carb diet and that seems to take the want to overeat away. I don't know why and I'm sorry if this is a oointless and totally unhelpful response :-/ I hope you aren't too hard on yourself though, maybe your relationship with food is finally turning to a nicer one x

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artemis84

Thanks for your reply TiniToni, it wasn't pointless or unhelpful! I think you may have a point about the sugar - it is sugar that I am craving all the time - biscuits, cake etc. I am feeling poorly at the moment but when I get better I think I'll make a shopping trip where I buy loads of healthier snacks e.g. fruit and try to eat that instead. Ideally I won't eat anything (snack wise) but at least fruit is less calories. I need to stop getting heavier!

Maybe it is a move towards a more positive relationship with food but I think whilst it still panics me like this, my ed thought processes are still strong no matter how much I've tried to hide them away.

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angel tears

Hey there, I do agree about cutting out carbs!!! I have managed to keep my weight steady for longer and I go through cycles of starving, purging, binging (or feeling like I do) and also too much exercise!!. But it is hard work trying to keep it all in check all of the time. Please be kind to yourself and keep seeking support hun. I sometimes use an ed group but not every week. I understand the thoughts hun. They are so hard to break!!!!. Xxx

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artemis84

Thanks for your kind reply angel tears.

It is hard, SO hard!

Last night I researched if there were any ED groups nearby that I could maybe get some ad hoc support from. The thing is, the group that is run is run by the eating disorders service who I was seen by for a few years (including one where I was hospitalised and treated out of county but under their funding). I am really reluctant to get back involved with them, even in this less formal way, because I think it could be really triggering. Especially if I bumped into any former patients who I was in treatment with.

Plus, I am really aware of the fact that compared to when I was treated by them I have put on a lot of weight and I would feel fraudulent sitting alongside true anorexics, even though I was as thin as them once and I am still not 'overweight'.

That's the thing though, I do feel like my attitude to food and eating is still 'disordered' and the feelings I have about my body now are as strong and negative as they were in the pre-treatment days. If I was 'normal' I could just go on a diet to lose this unwanted weight but I know that if I start dieting my old behaviours WILL resurface so I can't.

That's what I mean by feeling like these new cravings to eat all the time are the 'control' aspect of old but in a new form... almost like I know it's 'bad' to starve myself so now the control is finding another route with food.

And of course it doesn't bloody help being on a med that makes me hungry all the time to control my anxiety!!

Sigh......... :worried_anim: I am really stuck with all of this.

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Br0kenW1ngs

Morning!

Just wanted to hop in and see how you're doing?

Over-eating (be it what a doctor would consider over-eating or what an individual who's recovering from restriction would see as over-eating) is actually very normal in recovery from anorexia.

There is a biological, as well as psychological, reason for it but I forget the details off the top of my head, but it is common.

When I went through weight restoration after every period of long-term restriction I ate for England. No cake, chocolate bar, biscuit, packet of ham (yep ham) was safe.

It was almost like my hand-to-mouth action was automatic. I thought I was losing my mind - after years of control I couldn't understand why, suddenly, I couldn't "just say no!".

My weight went up (and up) and yes, it was more than I was comfortable with, and probably more than was suitable for my frame, BUT it did level out. I eventually stopped shoving anything that was still long enough into my mouth and began eating "normally". 

The excess weight actually dropped off slowly after a while of eating sensibly and yeah, I have a sweet tooth and do still indulge, but for the most part I eat well.

So the chances are you will be OK.

That said......it is also not unheard of for recovering anorexics to develop bulimia. So what I will say is keep an eye out.

Hope you're ok,

I know it's not easy and it would be wonderful if we could just flick a switch and have a normal brain!

:)

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artemis84

Hi Br0kenW1ngs, thank you so much for your reply.  It has really helped me to read that I am hopefully just going through a normal post-anorexic phase and that you understand, more so have experienced what I am going through.  Perhaps I am not so strange as I feel after all!

Things are still pretty much the same if I'm honest.  I am trying to replace the neverending biscuits with fruit though and have started running again. (You know you need to go running more when you put on your running gear and it is getting too small.. :unsure: )

I do worry about the potential of turning my anorexia into bulimia but I have always had absolutely zero-tolerance for vomiting regarding my eating habits so hopefully if i keep that strong then it won't develop.

You're right, this is all so hard - and trying to manage it alongside holding down a job, functioning in the real world, dealing with my BPD and anxiety / depression is almost impossible. 

But, like I said, thank you so much for your post - hearing it from someone who has been there has really helped lift the cloud above me a little higher regarding my weight.

I hope you are well  :) xxx

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