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the war in my head. could be triggering

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I havent posted on this forum before as I have BPD, and usually use that forum. However I have suffered from anorexia for almost 14 years, and have been in 2 eating disorder units.

Ive recently been put on an anti-psychotic which has helped my other symptoms but really made my appetite decrease, as well as this I have been in hospital a number of times with a painful stomach. Since I was weighed (my doctor weighs me backward on a scale) in November Ive lost quite a bit of weight

I know I need to eat more but I just dont seem to be able to, the voice in my head is so loud and a dictator of what i shouldnt eat, what i should restrict on and when. Im at a point now where I could go two ways, one way means eating more (and potentlially gaining weight and looking big) or carry on and lose more weight (which would make the voice happy)

Its like that song

"I dont know the first time I felt unbeautiful

the day I chose not to eat

what I do know is how Ive changed my life forever

I know I should know better"

And I really REALLY should know better, I just feel unable to at the moment.

When I realise ive lost weight I feel almost euphoric. The day seems better, life feels better and im able to cope better. When I gain weight I feel like going back to bed crying, crying that nothing fits me and just generally depressed.

At the moment im suffering from high anxiety and slight depression so I guess this isnt really helping the eating disorder either.

Any help would be awesome :) I realise we r all fighting our own battles, so dont worry if you feel unable to comment. :) 



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Gosh its hard isnt it? I have been there. I hear your struggle.

You know dieting can really give us a high indeed and give us a purpose and a feeling of control when things in our life feel out of control.

I am wondering do you have any hobbies, things you love to do? I found that when I filled my life with more things that made me happy and like I could do something it made me feel less of a need to diet.

Youve had therapy for this I understand? Can you think back about things about the therapy that helped you, can you apply them?



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