Screaming in the corner but no one can hear me

[mamalou]

I'm in a dark dark place at the moment. I'm trying to resist the urge to open up my stockpile of medication. I'm feeling suicidal. 

But, I feel like I'm so alone. It's as if  I'm standing in the corner of the room screaming and begging for help but no one can hear me. It makes no difference what I shout I'm invisible. 

Been having nightmares and flashbacks of sexual abuse when I was really small but I can't deal with it. I can't tell anyone. I'm bad and dirty and rotten. I'm so alone.

Don't feel obliged to read or reply. 

[successful_workthru]

18 hours ago, mamalou said:

I'm in a dark dark place at the moment. I'm trying to resist the urge to open up my stockpile of medication. I'm feeling suicidal. 

But, I feel like I'm so alone. It's as if  I'm standing in the corner of the room screaming and begging for help but no one can hear me. It makes no difference what I shout I'm invisible. 

Been having nightmares and flashbacks of sexual abuse when I was really small but I can't deal with it. I can't tell anyone. I'm bad and dirty and rotten. I'm so alone.

Don't feel obliged to read or reply. 

Please get rid of your stockpile of meds. You might permenently injure yourself rather than kill yourself. I took ages to get hold of my stockpile, but once the doctor told me that, it put me off trying to kill myself. I spent last year trying to find methods of sui.

Please importantly know that you are NOT bad or dirty, your paedo abuser was, but not you, even if you enjoyed what was happening, DO NOT feel guilty about this. Kids can feel sexual pleasure and if some paedo adult is abusing them in certain way, the kid can enjoy it, but its a body reaction you CAN'T help, so please dont blame or condemn yourself.

I had a stockpile of meds to do myself in at Xmas, but my doctor said they wouldn't kill me and I knew a lad online who tried using the same one and he failed in his attempt.

I can not imagine how horrible you feel, screaming but no one can hear, I cannot hear but I can feel it in your post, and I am sending you healing energy vibrations which should make you feel better. Not hocuc pocus crap, energy vibrations based on physics. Evidence based scenience, emotional energy carries, that's why you can walk into an empty house and still feel the atmosphere, or if you work you can feel the heavy "pissed off cos we are only here for the money" feeling really strong, especially if there are a lot of people in the same mood, so anyway, may my healing energy vibrations help you to make some helpful realisations which will stay with you forever and improve your mental health.

I feel alone in the world, so I can empathise on that one. My family are dysfunctional, I am the odd one, there is one in every family, I make friends with others who feel like the odd one out, so we are all like a raggle taggle patchwork social quilt.

One thing that is really heplful if having a pen and pad by your bed. The moment you wake up, write down what happened in your dream, even if it dooesnt make sense, the more you do this, the more familiar you will become with your unconsciousness personal language, as we all have our own different subconscious person language and the more familiar we are with it, by using dream diarys etc, the more self aware and self trusting we become. We begin to realise things we don't know at the moment, cos dreams are a portal into our subconscious where many of the answers to our anquigshed questions lay, waiting for us to discover them.

 

[mamalou]

Thank you so much for your reply. And for your suggestions. 

I have spent a long time creating an isolated world in which to live. I don't want friendships or relationships outside my immediate family. I can't manage them. 

I haven't washed in nearly 2 weeks. My husband said I'm disgusting. That sums it up really. I am disgusting.

 

[successful_workthru]

1 hour ago, mamalou said:

Thank you so much for your reply. And for your suggestions. 

I have spent a long time creating an isolated world in which to live. I don't want friendships or relationships outside my immediate family. I can't manage them. 

I haven't washed in nearly 2 weeks. My husband said I'm disgusting. That sums it up really. I am disgusting.

 

Please take your husband's comment for the total rubbish that it is?

For someone not to wash for two weeks, you must be feeling depresed, I've been there, I use floor wipes to wash my arse and front bum, cos they're cheap, convenient and nice and big, and I don't get a smellly bum. Same with underarms.

Your hubbys comment was abusive, and even more worse knowing what he knows about your troubled past.

People can convince us that we are bad, disgusting, stupid, boring etc, but really, all they are doing is taking out their own insecurities on you.

[Kimboski]

1 hour ago, mamalou said:

 

I have spent a long time creating an isolated world in which to live.

That is the problem I feel. We spend so much time isolating ourselves and convincing ourselves of our worthlessness......that we believe it! BUT the truth of the matter is we are worthwhile human beings who deserve happiness and friendship and love.

I hope you feel better soon.

1 hour ago, mamalou said:

 

 

 

[mamalou]

6 hours ago, successful_workthru said:

6 hours ago, successful_workthru said:

Please take your husband's comment for the total rubbish that it is?

Your hubbys comment was abusive, and even more worse knowing what he knows about your troubled past.

I don't think he meant to be abusive. He's usually kind and understanding. 

The crux of it is that he knows nothing about the abuse. No one does - other than mental health team. I'm just beginning to try and speak about it. But it's so hard. Instead of opening up, I totally shut down. 

 

[successful_workthru]

10 hours ago, mamalou said:

 

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Maybe if you told your husband, things would be a lot easier, a weight lifted off your mind, especially if he is kind and understanding.

[mamalou]

I can't tell him. There's no way I can tell him. He will never look at me the same again. I'd have to leave him and the children. 

They can't know how dirty and bad I am. I'm just better of ending my life. I can't even speak the words of the dreams and constant visions that plague me. I cannot say the words to describe what is happening to me in those flashbacks. I can actually feel the sensations of it happening and its driving me mad and making my skin crawl. 

I'm scared and alone and wondering if I am safe to share all this here ?? 

I do appreciate you reading and replying. 

[successful_workthru]

2 hours ago, mamalou said:

I can't tell him. There's no way I can tell him. He will never look at me the same again. I'd have to leave him and the children. 

They can't know how dirty and bad I am. I'm just better of ending my life. I can't even speak the words of the dreams and constant visions that plague me. I cannot say the words to describe what is happening to me in those flashbacks. I can actually feel the sensations of it happening and its driving me mad and making my skin crawl. 

I'm scared and alone and wondering if I am safe to share all this here ?? 

I do appreciate you reading and replying. 

I'm sure your husband wont think you were dirty and bad because you were abused as a child.

You were a CHILD and the abuser is whollly in the wrong, not you, you are as clean as the driven snow.

I was planning sui so I know how despair feels. Writing the dreams adn visions down should help you a lot, thats what they do in art therapy, it gets them out of your head, but when doing it, importantly be very kind to yourself, do not condemn yourself in any way, it was not your fault honest.

You are safe to share it with me. I can imagine the flashbacks are horrible, especially the sensations but if you look up online about healing from abuse you should see what I mean. Be gentle to yourself at all times, that is vital when doing this work. You can pm me and I will be happy to talk to you.