maddy harper Posted November 13, 2016 Report Share Posted November 13, 2016 Hi guys sorry i havn't posted on here but i feel its time to post shit thats been going down here's the facts. my C M H T worker has been having secret meetings with my care provider to try and get me in to this 24 hour staffed unit with flats in because of my eating disorder but this isn't why i'm so angry but it is linked the complex is for people with serious learning disabilities and i don't fit in to that area. yeh i'm blind and have Asbergers and bpd but if i needed 24 hour support i would have got it when me and my husband broke up as he was my main carer as well as my husband and i was his and this is part of my argument for not going in there because i wouldn't have been able to live in my own house since 2007 if i had needed 24 hour support so why do i need it now? what would happen if someone hit me? how would i be able to defend my self against attack as i would be arrested because i have more mental capacity than the person hitting me did so they would be let off and be able to continue to hit people and i would be in a cell. the Guide Dogs wouldn't allow me to have a dog in there as the dog wouldn't be safe iether. no one has thought of this until i've had to point this out My C M H T worker would love it if i went in there as that would tick all the boxes regarding my houseing situation regardless of whether its right for me or not. the care provider thought i new about all the meetings that have been taking place but they now know different because of my reaction when i found out this has been going on behind my back. nice that its only my life they are making choices with out including me in any of them and they are supposed to be representing me fairly which they arn't My care plan is full of mistakes He has put that my friend who is bi polar who was supporting me with my food until he couldn't take the strain anymore as my principal carer and he's my main point to contact if i'm relappsing but on the same document he's written that he is no longer my carer which is right but how can my friend be my carer and not be at the same time?? my GP name is wrong my shrink is listed as the one i fired under the consultant heading and this shrink isn't a consultant and i don't have one at the moment C M H T worker has also put my care provider down as the people who are fully responsable for my eating disorder monitering even though nun of them are trained in the field i have an advicate who i am seeing on friday to discuss this all with but i think it might be too late as my relapps signature has started up again as i'm not sleeping and have had to get sleepers from dock but they aint very strong as you can see by this post time they arn't very effective but because of my adiction issues they don't want me getting addicted to something stronger as i'm all ready on a benzo for daily use to help with anxiety i told my support worker on friday that because the care agency don't tell me who's coming during the week i cant plan anything ahead and i had no meds for 2 weeks (they didn't know i had meds in the safe i was running on) i had also had no food for 4 days as no one cooked for me since last monday and shes not happy about this at all. she said i'm meant to have help to stop starving my self not be put in the situation to be forced in to doing it. my size 6 jeans are too big for me again so you can imagine how fantastically shight i look. bones everywhere and i have the junky death face mask on again which i don't like as they come up to me and ask me for ciringes or spoons or foil which i hate... i feel so ill. if this is allowed to continue i will be in hospital again by Christmas but maybe thats what they are all wanting apart from the support worker who i see on fridays who is the only one that seems to really care about how i am... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted November 13, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2016 Also the more stress i'm put in, the more violent the voices get in their content then by that point i'm usually carted off for my own safety. Poor little Chock would be devastated if i was to vanish as i'm all he's known since 6 weeks of age bless him... went through a list of points with my bi polar friend about what was wrong with the care plan which my advicate requested and a list to make a case against my C M H T worker for to be able to have him taken off my case totally. i don't want to see him as i may slap him round his face and not be responsable for my reactions as i feel so betrayed. Going to try call dock in morning to try get appointment to see if i can get a psych one as i feel like i could really use talking someone who understands what having a broken brain means. think i'm gonna have an early night as i feel so shight!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted November 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 Got a meeting with advicate and mental health worker will let u know how it goes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted November 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2016 Had meeting mental helth worker denyd knowing anything about the housing even though he spoke to me in another meeting my a so i am really pissed off my advicate is goin to wright a letter to try get my hours upped as i dont have enough time to do anythin but the basics so thats a start at least Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted November 25, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 I am so sad because my longest standing support worker finished working with me this afternoon today was her last day as she had been working with me since May I feel lost and abandoned and I know it isn't right for me to feel like this however I do even though I know it's wrong and it's not her fault however I still feel really shit I'm going to be really lost without her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted November 26, 2016 Report Share Posted November 26, 2016 Abandonment stinks maddy, think I would feel that too. Im not good at goodbyes either, try and avoid them. I left my last therapist before she could leave me if you understand how I mean. Made it easier to know I abandoned her rather than the other way round. Can understand totally you feeling like shite hun and the first couple of weeks will be really hard, but I promise it does get easier with time. Do you have someone new that will be working with you to take her place? It isnt her fault but it feels no less painful for knowing that maddy. Be gentle with yourself. I hope that you are able to be kind to you. With love, Daisy x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted November 26, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2016 The thing is the other caterers that are working with me they're going to be leaving to go to the place that I was highlighted for which is the 24 hour care unit for learning to stabilities I haven't got learning disabilities I'm just a bit mad there is a difference Just because I am blind and Matt had does not mean that I need to be watched 24 hours a day Its fucking disgusting and demeaning quite frankly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted November 26, 2016 Report Share Posted November 26, 2016 Yes I can understand your anger at their insinuation that you are incapable of looking after yourself when clearly you have done so for quite some time already. I would be furious to be told I had learning disabilities, when they are overlooking the real issues. What you need is support to be able to be independent. Your feelings about this are totally valid maddy x With love, Daisy x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted December 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2016 Well I had a totally pointless and stressful fucking conversation with Mike twat of a cure Cordinator this afternoon I ended up in the phone down on him basically because he was stressing me out He said that I was to go to my GP slick up my medication because according to the CMHT psychiatrist he said he could do it but I've had problems with the surgery up in my mates before because they wanted the psychiatrists input before they did anything which is fair in off because they are general practice doctors not psychiatrics And he just didn't get it and he said well I'm off on the GP then I said what go-ahead I said because you're just get told the same thing as I've just told you but maybe then you're fucking listen because you're not fucking listening to me He also doesn't understand that because of the stupid carer agency I don't know who's coming on 40 or what time so I can't even book a GP appointment to get anything done I didn't get that either so that's another reason why I put the phone down on him I'm going to phone my advocate tomorrow morning to see if she can do something because he might listen to her instead of me because he's not listening to me right now And I am fucking fed up with it quite frankly I also said to him that if he wanted me to be in hospital by Christmas then you must to carry on what you was doing because that's exactly where I will end up with nothing is done now The fact that I have acted out on my voices before and got 16 months in a psychiatric unit for it should be enough for him to actually realise that leaving this and checked it's really not a good idea I have had enough Seriously I really fucking have had enough Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcluton Posted December 1, 2016 Report Share Posted December 1, 2016 Wow Maddy! Pillar to post, they have you running in circles! I think that's enough to trigger every emotion on its own, matter of you being able to use any coping strategies. Reading your posts has my head spinning! Perhaps they can just let you relax and support the fact they seem to be causing more problems than actual support. I'm not going to say I feel sorry for you as you sound like one tough cookie, but if they are going to have these little inter team meetings and label you with practically every health condition going. Maybe help you. I can so see your frustration. I have been sectioned in the past but I was bye bye at the time! You come across as a highly functional woman! Stressed yes, but who wouldn't . I hope there is still some sanity in the system, you need support as its not happening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted December 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2016 I have texted my advocate to let her know what's going on so that she can maybe have a go at my fucking idiotic care coordinator because I haven't got the mental energy to go round and round in fucking circles can't be doing with it it's doing my heading I did let him know yesterday that I've got voices telling me to set myself on fire and to cut myself even though I have never cut myself am I follow their actions again because the last time nobody listened I tried to throw myself out of my sisters bloody car when it was going 30 but I didn't realise it was even move then I thought she parked up because it was voice is so loud that I couldn't feel the engine running or anything I thought was still but we weren't I scared I half to death I got 16 months in a low secure psychiatric unit for that and that's when I actually got treatment for the dopamine induced psychosis in the auditory hallucinations because up until the car incident nobody was paying any fucking attention again but that's the usual story nobody does anything until your battery dead Correction practically dead this dictation is not fit for bloody purpose I'm having to use it because my hands are shaking so much and I can't hold my iPhone still enough to type fuck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted December 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2016 At least I feel a bit better now knowing I've actually done something other than nothing it's been quite nice to off load At least I can actually have the weekend without any stress which will be nice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcluton Posted December 5, 2016 Report Share Posted December 5, 2016 I hope you had a good weekend. Look after yourself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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abdul55 Posted April 12, 2017 Report Share Posted April 12, 2017 You need to consult doctor as early as possible. Depression is the most dangerous thing. It may lead to death in worst cases. Better stay with friends and relatives. Never be alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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