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new here needing advice & learning desperatly

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Hello, hoping for some insight.

long story as short as possible, please be patient as im hoping to find some sort of closure or gain knowledge.

5 years ago i met a lady (40) that i was convinced was my soul mate. Our first half of the year together was amazing. We both came out of divorces and seemed to click pretty instantly.

Few months later we got pregnant. However, before this being confirmed her attitude switched. I had a feeling could be preganacy and convinced her to take a test after she called me a week later after breaking up with me. Why? because we went away on a weekend trip, she got sick. in the middle of the night i drove off in her truck to find meds for her in a snow storm. being in a rush i forgot to switch the wipers off and when she noticed them half way on the windshield in the morning she lost it. didnt say a word for the 3 hour drive home.

she ended up miscarrying... fast forward to normal life and daily routines.

we were really close and spent nearly every day together and spent time with families etc. sometimes she would flip out and rage about how i would shred cheese for example which ended up with her breaking up with me. break ups/ make ups became a routine event. so much so that her family would joke with me and text me asking if we want to go out for a evening or if im on holidays again.

needless to say this should have been my huge red flag. BUT she always had an excuse for her stress levels that caused her to want a out from me. Work, co worker, her son, my kids, her parents personal problems, her brothers nosy problems, how i vacuum, how i drive, how i snore (even though she did to) & on and on and on.. there was always an excuse to dismiss the rages.

she would call me cheap! after all during these years i never let her pay for a single thing.

she would always say i didn't care enough or put in a effort! i would spend ALL or 90% of my free time with her.

she called me a slut and accused me of flirting and cheating! all honesty i can say after meeting her and putting in all  my efforts i never once was even tempted or thought of cheating on her.

this is how a good few years were spent between us. Yes i realize it was getting toxic and i should have walked away like all of my family and friends told me to after witnessing her rage and how she would speak of me. trying to degrade me etc.

a part of me stayed because i truly did love this lady and thought this is just one of her stress things again. somewhere in there is the girl i fell head over heels for?

we got engaged on year 4..

year 5. i decided to start my own company for extra income. in my mind i was planning on using this income for us to use as extra to go on trips, take kids out, etc.

once calls started coming in and i would work my regular job mon-fri i would do this side work (renos) in evenings and weekends. well, every time i had something to do i was accused that i was with some other slut. i would go see her and it was like her face would change. she wasn't nothing like the same lady. face would change or appear as such and she would fly off the handle. " i hope you give it to her real good you s.o.b" was one of her fave sayings.

i would go to work and she would text constant. if i didn't answer in 5 mins or less she wouldn't call she would video call. this stressed me to the max. I knew i was 150% innocent and just trying to earn extra for US!

i forgot to mention that every holiday i was dumped. Simply because both our families were doing something and she refused to come to my side. so i would go to mine and meet at hers afterwards. In the last months together i told her i was sick of always being asked where my other half is. she was invisible to my family and never even met half of them.

i was broken up with for that and she blocked my number. during this break up she went on a dating site which was brought to my attention from a friend that was single and seen her on it.

i did confront her about it when she reached out and she said she went on to get under my skin and it was nothing. i fell for it and we ended up back. a month later her son (8) started mentioning a guy she was talking to too me. I said to myself hmmm and went on like nothing happened.

week later she blue toothed her phone to my car to listen to music and forgot to disconnect. after a evening at her place i got in my car to leave. my screen filled up with a call log. Not from my phone but was still linked to hers. plenty of long distance calls morning and night (daily). 2 days later i couldnt hold it in anymore and confronted her on it and told her about her son telling me of some guy (obviously someone from the date site)..

she flipped like ive never seen before. called me a psycho, stalker you name it. told me to consider her as dead to me. i walked away and let her be. never looked back.

she went as far as to feed her family something probably lies because a couple days later her whole family deleted me off social media. (they never went that far, and we broke up A LOT)

month and a half goes by she starts texting again and sending me pictures of herself. I asked her why she would do that and what did she want exactly.. again she flipped and said never again and she stopped responding to texts and stopped calling.

3 months later i see her in public out on what appeared to be a date. (with a guy that is polar opposite of her "type"). i walked right past her and even though i know she seen me and knew i seen her i just left it alone and went on my way. havent heard from her since that.

she is not diagnosed bpd. I dont want to call her bpd. I do feel and think she shows very good signs at a possibility that she is though.

what i want to know is, is this/that the final straw? should i prepare myself for some sort of wrath?

whats next? did i get my final "hoover"?

i know i should just forget this person and move forward and that would be best. i am though completely gutted and torn apart. not so much because she blew up and broke up yet again.

a part of me wishes she could see some light as shes a self proclaimed great person and a church go`er type and call to at least apologize for any of this.

I still find myself falling into darkness and breaking down out of confusion over all this.

but because i know my intentions and my efforts towards her the whole time spent together and how i literally gave my all and everything for her. i can sleep easy at night knowing i was honest, caring, loyal and didn't deserve this or not even a fraction of it.

That`s what cuts down deep in the worst way..


any insight is greatly appreciated. sorry for the long read. so much more but this is main keys i think.



thanks in advance:

dazed and confused


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